


Absolution

by spitfiresparrow



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:54:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 80,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24860392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spitfiresparrow/pseuds/spitfiresparrow
Summary: TLOU2 spoilers ahead, don't read if you haven't finished the game!!noun: absolution; plural noun: absolutionsformal release from guilt, obligation, or punishment.After Ellie returns home to find the farm empty she knows that she cannot live without knowing that Dina and JJ are at least safe, and so she sets off back to the town, a mixture of feelings inside of her.But will knowing they are safe be enough, or will she find the strength for one last fight - the fight for her family.
Relationships: Dina & Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 1046
Kudos: 2652





	1. Chapter 1

The relatively short walk from the farm back down to Jackson city felt longer than the journey back from California had. Then again on the journey home there’d been some sort of a figurative spring in her step at the prospect of seeing Dina and JJ once again. 

Now however, there was just dread at the thought of possibly seeing Dina again. 

Ellie had imagined their reunion a lot over the course of the last few months - thoughts of smiles and tears and laughter. Never had she imagined returning to the farm to find it empty of everything that had made it a home. 

She wasn’t an idiot, she had of course known that Dina being gone was a real possibility - it was just that she hadn’t entertained the idea. She had needed that hope of being reunited with her family to get her through the journey. 

But what good had that done her in the end? 

In the end she was just as alone as she’d always feared. She’d lost Dina, she’d lost the family that they had built together. And for what? 

_You’re allowed to be happy, kiddo_

If only she’d fucking listened to him back then. 

\--

On the approach to the Eastern gate the dread tightened into a knot at the pit of her stomach. 

She was pretty sure Dina didn’t want to see her, that much was clear from the way the farmhouse was cleared of everything save from Ellie’s possessions, but she’d never really taken the time to think about the rest of the settlement. 

Ellie was relieved to find that the two guys on guard duty tonight, Nathan and Paul, were at least people who knew her well enough to let her in without questioning, but not enough to pry or be angry with her. 

\--

Silently Ellie padded through the old graveyard, fallen branches cracking beneath her shoes the only sound in the evening air. 

As she reached him Ellie crouched down, remaining fingers of her left hand reaching out and brushing away the wet leaves to reveal his name etched into the stone. She let out a shaky breath as a dampness began to form in the corner of her eyes. 

“Got you something on my trip, old man” she whispered softly to the night air, shrugging her backpack off and opening the main compartment. 

“You’d probably hate it ‘cause you could be a miserable shit” she laughed gently and pulled out a battered old tin mug with a faded cartoon dinosaur and the words ‘Tea Rex’. “But I found it fucking funny and I guess I’m in charge now, right?” she smiled sadly and pulled some coffee beans out of her bag, pouring them into the mug and replacing the vase in front of the gravestone with it.

“I read that coffee’s good for growing shit in - apparently” she explained as she started to swap the flowers from the vase to the mug. “I mean, it’s no good for drinking that’s for sure. No matter what you try to tell me”

When she was done she sat back on her knees to inspect her work, shrugging at the sight in front of her. “Guess it’ll have to do, right?”

Ellie stayed there for a little while longer, just talking to him, hoping it might help this pain inside her. But it wasn’t until she felt the first few drops of rain that she realised she couldn’t stay here forever, no matter how peaceful it was. 

“Well...I guess I’ll see you around” she whispered as she pushed herself to her feet, slung her backpack over her shoulders once more. A soft sigh escaped her as she looked down at the grave once more before forcing herself to walk back through the graveyard and into the town.

The sun was starting to set as she walked through the familiar streets of Jackson, the stars would soon be out but she had no course. 

_Dina. Where would you be?_

Ellie couldn’t even be sure that the other woman had come back to Jackson, but it seemed like the most plausible route to explore. Though as she walked through the streets she realised she really had no idea where to look.

Dina had given up her old home for any new families when they’d chosen to move out to the farm with JJ. And the only other place that Ellie could think to look was somewhere she wasn’t sure she wanted to go - Jesse’s parents’ house. 

She liked them. Of course she did. They had infectious personalities much like their son. But Ellie just felt guilty now, about everything, and she wasn’t sure she could face another pair of eyes looking at her with disappointment.

And so she wandered, alone, through the streets.

“Ellie?”

It took a moment for her to realise the voice wasn’t in her head and when she turned she was greeted by the stoic face of Maria. 

“Uh, Maria...hey…”

Maria looked older, had it really been that long? Or had it something to do with the stress and pain of everything?

“I didn’t know you were back…”

Ellie bit her lip and shrugged gently before looking down at the ground. “I wasn’t” she explained as she scuffed her shoe against the ground. 

“Where are you going?”

When Ellie looked back up and saw Maria’s arms folded across her chest she regretted it. Maria always had this way of making Ellie feel like a child being scolded. She supposed it had something to do with the fact that the woman pretty much ran Jackson and Ellie looked up to the woman, wanted her respect and admiration. 

“Don’t know” she mumbled, acting just like a child being scolded. 

Maria sighed softly and Ellie heard the crunching of her boots as she approached. 

“Where’s your jacket? You’ll catch your death out here”

“‘M not cold”

“Why don’t you come to the diner? Warm up some?”

Ellie shook her head, she didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve people to care about her wellbeing after everything she’d done. Especially not good people like Maria.

“No it’s alright, I think I’ll just -” Ellie paused, she didn’t even know how to finish that sentence, how to lie. 

The sounds of people leaving the diner and bidding one another goodnight was the only noise as the two women awkwardly stood in the middle of the road. 

Ellie finally found the confidence to ask what she needed to know,  
“Do you know if -”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea, Ellie” Maria interrupted sharply.

“I know. I just -” she sighed and lifted her arm as if she had something to say, something to gesticulate but then thought better of it, arm dropping back to her side with yet another soft sight. “I need to know they’re okay”

“They’re okay” Maria confirmed and Ellie frowned, reaching up to brush a strand of hair out of her face. 

“Okay” she whispered, biting her lip and nodding, eyes still down on the ground below. 

“It hurt. You leaving her” Maria’s voice was softer now, as if she could see that the younger woman was feeling enough pain without needing to be reprimanded by her. 

“I had to -”

“No, Ellie. No” the sternness returned to her tone now. “You did _not_ have to leave that girl or that baby. You did not have to go on some - some suicide mission” 

Ellie swallowed hard, chanced looking up at Maria but quickly looked back down as she saw the fury in the woman’s eyes. She could see why Tommy always struggled to get his way with his wife - ex wife?

“And you sure as hell do not get to come back here full of self-pity” Maria’s accent got heavier with her temper Ellie realised.

_Fuck. Don’t hold back, Maria._

“Now you can either pick yourself up and come have a drink at the diner, or you can get the hell out of my town”

And with that the other woman turned on her heel and started marching back towards the diner. When Ellie didn’t follow she stopped and turned around once more. 

“Just to be clear - I wasn’t giving you a choice there”

Ellie let out a shaky breath and reached for her backpack straps. 

“Yes, ma’am” she whispered as she slowly followed Maria back towards the warm lights of the familiar diner.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She'd imagined their reunion in so many ways. 
> 
> This wasn't one of them.

“Seth, two glasses of whisky please”

The older man looked up from the bar at the sound of Maria’s voice, his eyes landing on Ellie and his jaw tightening as if he had something to say. 

_Go on, I fucking dare you, asshole._

“And none of that watered down stuff either” Maria’s words caught the man’s attention once more and he nodded stiffly before turning to grab the glasses. “Sit down” she directed at Ellie who sighed and shrugged off her backpack before sliding onto the stool beside Maria. 

“You got any of that stew left? We’ll take a bowl of that too, thank you Seth”

“I’m not -”

Maria raised her hand to silence Ellie, “I ain’t never seen you looking this skinny. How long since you last ate?”

Ellie shrugged. 

“The stew, Seth” 

The older man nodded once more and Ellie wondered who felt the most uncomfortable right now, him or her? 

\--

The next hour or so was awkward. 

Ellie was sure Maria wanted to be here as little as she did, but the older woman was too good of a person to let her own personal feelings stop her from doing what she felt to be the right thing. 

“You gonna be sticking around?” she asked after their latest bout of awkward silence. 

Ellie shrugged, feeling like a moody teen once again under Maria’s sharp gaze. 

“Well if you are you better let someone take a look at you”

Ellie frowned and glanced up at Maria. She’d hidden her wounds well hadn’t she? She’d certainly spent all night hiding her left hand on her lap, not yet ready to share that with anyone else. 

“You look like shit, Ellie” the older woman explained and lifted her glass to her lips, finishing off the last sip of whisky. 

“And if you plan on staying in town then you do your part. Just like everyone else”

“Yeah I know…” 

“So -” she lifted her eyebrows and stared at the young woman. “In the mornin’ you get yourself down to the clinic and get checked out so I can clear you for jobs”

Ellie sighed and opened her mouth to respond when the door of the now quiet diner clicked open and all breath was taken from Ellie’s lungs. 

“Maria, there you are I was just -”

The sound of that voice in real life, outside of her imagination, it sent shivers up her spine. It felt as though someone had reconnected her nervous system. 

“Ellie?”

And her name, on those lips. This felt like a dream. 

Ellie bit her lip and lifted her head, green eyes meeting the warmth of Dina’s dark ones. 

How many times had she thought over this moment? And now she had no idea what to say, she wasn’t sure she even remembered how to use words. 

“Hi Dina” Maria finally broke the silence with a soft smile offered to the dark haired girl. “You know, I was just about to help Seth close up - we can give you some space” she stood up and started towards the other side of the bar. 

“No” the harshness of Dina’s tone caused Ellie’s heart to plummet as she stared back at her girlfriend - no, ex-girlfriend. 

“No it’s fine. I just - I wanted to ask if you’d mind me being a little late tomorrow. Only JJ -” Dina’s eyes were firmly fixed away from Ellie, as if she weren’t even there and _fuck_ that hurt. 

Maria lifted a hand and waved Dina’s words away. “Of course not” she promised the younger woman. “It’s fine, you just head over when you can” 

Dina nodded and Ellie watched on feeling as though she were invisible. Perhaps it would hurt less if she were.

“Great. Thanks” Dina smiled softly at Maria, but it didn’t reach her eyes Ellie noticed. “Well I guess I’ll see you -”

Maria nodded. “See you tomorrow, Dina”

Dina sighed softly and turned, not even sparing Ellie another glance as she strode out of the diner. 

Before her brain could connect with the rest of her body Ellie was out of her seat.

“Ellie, wait!” Maria’s hand reached out for her but it was too late, the younger woman was out of grasp as she rushed out of the diner. 

“Dina!”

The woman ignored her, or didn’t hear her, and so she carried on after her retreating form. 

“Dina, wait!”

“Don’t!”

As Dina turned on her heel to face her Ellie froze, eyes wide as she stared at the woman she loved, the woman she hadn’t stopped thinking about these last few months. 

She opened her mouth to speak but Dina’s hand rose telling her to stop. 

It felt like forever that they stared at each other across the quiet street. Dina’s dark eyes were wide, her body trembling and she reminded Ellie of a scared and wounded animal facing its predator.

That analogy hurt. 

“You don’t get to do this” Dina argued in a broken tone before turning away to leave once more.

“I just - I needed to know that you were okay” Ellie’s voice was barely a whisper, her heart was pounding in her chest but she’d never felt less alive. 

Dina stopped, a shaky sigh escaping her as her eyes fell closed against the pain. 

“I’m not okay” she whispered in response. “ _None_ of this is okay, Ellie”

Ellie stared silently at Dina’s back, her breath rising and falling heavily. 

“I mean -” Dina hesitated a moment as if she weren’t sure she should say what she was thinking, but then she did it anyway. “I’m glad you’re alive” 

The spark of hope that flared in Ellie’s chest was soon doused with Dina’s next words. 

“But I think a part of me hoped I’d never see you again” the shorter girl whispered, her voice breaking as she turned to look at Ellie once more, tears shimmering in her eyes.

Ellie looked down at the ground, she could feel her heart tearing in two but she knew she couldn’t let it show. Instead she bit her lip hard and tried to keep a brave face, nodding gently to acknowledge Dina’s words, and her acceptance of them. 

“You don’t have to” she finally promised, because if she truly loved Dina - and she did - then she had to give her what she wanted, what she felt was best for her and her son. She lifted her head and hoped to a God she wasn’t sure she believed in that Dina couldn’t see the tears. “JJ...he’s okay, right?”

Dina nodded. 

“Yeah, yeah he’s okay. He’s with his Grandparents right now”

Ellie nodded this time. 

“Okay good” she nodded again as if trying to convince herself that it _was_ okay. “Well I just - I needed to know that you were both okay” she explained before reaching to grip her backpack straps as she always did when she was nervous - except she’d left her bag in the diner in her haste to follow Dina.

“I’m gonna go” she promised as she rubbed her shoulder in desperation to find something to do with her hand. “You won’t have to worry about seeing me again” she whispered brokenly, allowing herself one last sorrowful look at Dina, hopefully enough to commit to memory, before turning and slowly walking back towards the diner. 

“Ellie, wait…”

Hope sparked. 

She turned around. 

“Your old place. It’s - well, Maria never let anyone else move in…”

“Oh” Ellie nodded. 

Hope faded. 

Dina turned around. 

And this time it was her who walked away.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a small filler chapter this time, I'm afraid. 
> 
> Ellie returns to her cabin but it's no longer a home, perhaps it never had been. Perhaps home wasn't a place, but a person. Or people.

_”We can fix it up real nice for ya”_

_“It’s fine”_

_She looked around the small cabin, it was sparse but still it felt kinda homely._

_“No” Joel shook his head. “No, we’ll get you some stuff” he promised. “Some of those comics you like. Some music? See if there's a spare tv lying about. Make it feel like a home”_

_Home._

_She’d never really had one of those._

_And she certainly never had a place to herself. She’d always shared crowded dorms in the military schools._

_Ellie shrugged her backpack off and rested it carefully against the door before turning to look around the cabin once more._

_She heard Joel shuffling and when she turned he’d picked up her backpack and placed it next to her bed._

_“You can tell me I’m an old fool but -” he hesitated. “It’ll make me sleep a whole lot easier knowing you got your gun right beside you”_

_“I thought you said it was safe here”_

_“It is. Least I hope it is” he replied gruffly. “It ain’t a safe world we live in, Ellie. Jus’ -”_

_“Alright, alright” she sighed and sat on the edge of her bed. “I’ll keep it beside the fucking bed”_

_Joel rolled his eyes but smiled softly._

_“Okay well, maybe you should get some sleep?” he suggested._

_“Sure”_

_Ellie didn’t think sleep was going to come so easily._

_“And if you need me I’ll -”_

_“I know, Joel”_

_“Alrigh’ then” he nodded and took a deep breath, Ellie noted he looked almost awkward. “I’ll see you in the morning?” It came out as more of a question than she was sure he intended._

_“Bright and early” she confirmed with a nod._

_“Bright and early” he repeated._

_“No sleeping in old man” she teased. “I plan on being fucking starving”_

_“Oh is tha’ right?” he chuckled and folded his arms across his chest._

_And Ellie shrugged simply, a small smile on her face._

_“See you in the morning, kiddo”_

_“Night” she whispered as she watched his retreating form._

_This could be a home, she thought as she lay back on the soft mattress. This could really work._

The old cabin wasn’t quite as sparse as it had been all those years ago, it still bore some evidence that Ellie had lived there, but it didn’t feel like home. Not anymore. 

Ellie sighed heavily as she closed the door behind her and flicked on the lamp, dropping her backpack at the side of her bed before heading into the small bathroom. 

Maria was right, she realised as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. She did look like shit. 

She felt like shit too. 

Seeing Dina had broken her. 

_I’m not okay._

_None of this is okay, Ellie_

“Fuck” she whispered as she ran her hand over her tired face, staring back at the unrecognisable face before her, throwing some water on it.

As she turned off the tap she was once again reminded of her new reality, new scars to remind her of everything she had done. She reached across with her right hand to turn off the tap and then grasp her left, holding tightly trying to fight the phantom pains. 

“One day at a time, Ellie” she whispered as she dragged her weary body back to the bed and closed her eyes. 

She couldn’t be sure that sleep would come, but she had to try. 

\---

_She woke suddenly, breathing heavy and her eyes wide._

_The bad dreams hadn’t plagued her for a little while. Not like this._

_“Ellie?”_

_A distant sound in the background, her ears ringing with the screams._

_Riley. Tess. Sam. Henry._

_David._

_“Ellie!”_

_Strong arms encircled her and suddenly she was aware of his voice as he cradled her to his chest._

_“You’re okay. You’re okay” he was whispered. “I got you baby girl”_

_His shirt was wet._

_And her entire body was trembling, her heart pounding as she clung to Joel._

_“Shh. It’s okay. You’re okay”_

_His shirt was wet with her tears._

_Ellie couldn’t say how long he held her but it wasn’t until her breathing evened out that his hold on her loosened slightly and instead he reached out to brush his fingers through her hair, worry in his eyes._

_“Joel…” her voice cracked._

_“Oh Ellie” he pulled her back against him._

_“I got you. It’s gonna be okay”_

_And she believed him. She really did._

\---

She woke suddenly, breathing heavy and her eyes wide. 

Her ears ringing with the screams. 

Riley. Tess. Sam. Henry. 

David.

Joel. Jesse. 

Jordan. Nora. Owen. Mel. 

Abby. 

There’s no strong arms to hold her this time. 

And there was no light on in the windows of the house. He couldn’t take care of her this time. 

There’s no smaller arms either. No warmth beside her. 

She can’t be sure how long it takes her but she sits up against the headboard, hand on her chest breathing in and out, doing everything Dina had taught her to calm herself down. 

It wasn’t the same without someone holding her. 

\---

By the time the cockerel crowed Ellie was desperate to get out of the cabin.

She couldn’t sit in this bed any longer not able to sleep. 

Pulling a sweater over her head, and quickly fastening her hair up messily she headed out in the streets of Jackson. 

She was grateful it was so early, that the only people getting up right now were those heading on patrol, and she knew that they’d be getting something to eat.

Ellie wasn’t hungry. She couldn’t really remember the last time she had been. 

And so she walked past the diner, past the queue for warm food and straight to the small clinic. 

_“And if you plan on staying in town then you do your part. Just like everyone else”_

_“So In the mornin’ you get yourself down to the clinic and get checked out so I can clear you for jobs”_

There was very little she wanted less than to have people look at her injuries right now. To have to see the look of disgust when someone looked at her hand and the new chemical burn it sported. 

_I hope you’re fucking happy, Joel. Hurt like a motherfucker, but I’m keeping it a secret just like you wanted._

And worse. The look of pity when they saw her mutilated fingers. 

But somehow it was preferable to being stuck here unable to even help out around town. She would suck it up if it meant having some sort of purpose, something that might chase away the nightmares - at least through the waking hours.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felt a little bad about all the angst. So here's a fluffier flashback to act as a band aid for the angst to come.

_“Hey…”_

_“Hey”_

_“How was your day?”_

_“Yeah it was good” she shrugged and stepped aside so that Dina could walk inside the cabin._

_“What did you do?” she asked interestedly as she shrugged off her jacket and hung it up beside Ellie’s. The sight made Ellie’s heart pang, in the sweetest of ways._

_“Cleaned out the stables” she laughed softly, shrugging as Dina looked over at her with raised eyebrows. “I think it’s Maria’s way of punishing me”_

_“Hm, that’s what I can smell” she teased._

_“Shut up, I showered”_

_“Hm. Shame” Dina winked. “I was going to suggest we save water and shower together”_

_Ellie’s eyebrows shot up as Dina turned her back and started towards the small bathroom._

_“Guess I’ll have to go it alone”_

_“You know there’s no hot water left…”_

_Dina rose an eyebrow, leaning against the bathroom door with a mischievous smile on her face._

_“...you might, you know, need some help keeping warm”_

_Dina smirked and peeled off her shirt._

_“You better hurry up then” she winked and reached up to turn on the shower, smiling happily when she felt strong arms encircle her waist and soft lips against her shoulders._

_\--_

_“Man, I’m exhausted”_

_“Seriously? **You’re** exhausted?” Dina asked incredulously as she pulled on an oversized t-shirt and got into the bed._

_“Hey, you’re not the one who had to go out in the freaking cold and attach another barrel because someone wasted all the water by not washing”_  
_Dina narrowed her eyes and glared up at Ellie as she got changed into a pair of boxers and a tattered old t-shirt._

_“Uhm, I’m pretty sure I’m not solely to blame for that situation”_

_“Pfft” Ellie huffed and climbed into the bed beside her, tugging the duvet over them both and grinning widely as she leaned over and pressed a hard kiss to Dina’s jaw._

_“I got you a present…”_

_“Didn’t I just get my present?” Ellie teased, eyebrows raising, a soft amused smile on her lips._

_Dina rolled her eyes and shoved her._

_“You’re gross”_

_“Definitely **not** what you were saying when -”_

_“Do you want this present or not??”_

_“Alright, alright. Geez woman!” Ellie huffed._

_“Lay back…”_

_Ellie frowned slightly, “I swear to God if -”_

_“Jesus, Ellie! It is **not** going to kill you if you let me be on top just once!” she scolded._

_“It might” Ellie muttered, making Dina roll her eyes yet again._

_“Stop being an asshole and close your eyes”_

_“Okay, okay”_

_Ellie sighed and did as she was told. There was a shift in the bed as Dina leant across Ellie’s body._

_“ **Dina** ”_

_“Shut up, you’re loving this”_

_Ellie had to admit she didn’t **hate** it as she opened her eyes and let her hand slide across the small of Dina’s back, taking in the sight of her girlfriend’s body as she leaned across her to reach for her backpack on the floor below._

_“Okay, I said close your eyes”_

_Ellie rolled them dramatically but closed them again as she felt Dina move to lay back beside her._

_“Give me your hand”_

_She did as she was told and was soon rewarded with Dina placing a small piece of paper into her hand. A polaroid maybe?_

_“You got it?”_

_“Yeah” she tightened her grip slightly._

_“Okay...you can look now”_

_Ellie opened her eyes, letting them take a few short moments to adjust to the dim light and take in the sight before her._

_“Is that -”_

_“Yeah” Dina grinned, moving so her body was pressed tighter to Ellie’s._

_“ **Fuck** ” she whispered, the one syallable drawn out a little longer than necessary._

_“Dina, this is - this is fucking real” Ellie shifted, moving to sit up against the headboard._

_“Well..yeah…” her tone was clipped, clearly not getting the response from Ellie that she’d been hoping for. “You know that’s not just a beer belly I’ve been growing…”_

_There was silence as Ellie stared at the sonogram, her thumb tracing the tiny outline of the baby, whilst Dina stared at Ellie trying to gauge her thoughts._

_Dina bit her lip and sat up too, bringing her knees to her chest as she watched Ellie._

_“The doctor said that he’s about the size of a potato now…” she whispered, eyes still fixed on Ellie’s face, a hint of worry in their depths._

_What was she going to do if Ellie decided she didn’t want this?_

_“He?”_

_“Well, I don’t know for sure” she shrugged. “But I just have a feeling” It was hard to explain, but somehow whenever she pictured her baby it was a boy. Jesse’s son, who looked so much like his Dad._

_Ellie was silent once more, her eyes still fixed on the image in front of her._

_“Ellie...say something” she pleaded. “You’re scaring me”_

_“I don’t know what to say”_

_**Shit.** _

_Alarm bells were ringing in Dina’s ears. This was it. This was the moment she lost Ellie too._

_“So you’re uh - you decided you’re keeping it? Him?”_

_Dina felt as though ice were running through her veins. Ellie didn’t want this._

_And she had been stupid enough to convince herself that she would._

_“Well, yeah” she whispered softly, her entire body beginning to ache._

_They’d never explicitly had this conversation, but Dina didn’t think she’d ever made any suggestion that she wanted to get rid of the baby._

_And even if she did, how could she now? The last little bit of Jesse was growing inside her and she couldn’t lose that too._

_Ellie nodded but was silent as she moved to put the sonogram on the bedside table, Dina held her breath, terrified of the words to come._

_Instead there was nothing._

_Which was possibly worse._

_Dina let out a shaky breath and reached out for Ellie’s hand cautiously._

_“It’s okay if this is too much -”_

_“It’s not”_

_“It might not feel that way now but soon -”_

_“Dina”_

_The soft squeeze Ellie gave to her hand gave Dina the courage to go on._

_“Have you ever seen a baby? They cry, they don’t sleep, they make a mess...”_

_Ellie shrugged. “He’s gonna be two halves of my best friends”_

_Dina smiled sadly._

_“Never knew you wanted kids…”_

_“I didn’t. I mean, I never really entertained the idea” Ellie admitted with another shrug._

_What 19 year old did?_

_“And well, I didn’t really think that was a possibility for me…”_

_“Lucky you fell for a knocked up girl then” Dina teased, tangling their fingers and holding on tightly._

_“I fell for her long before she got knocked up” Ellie’s reply was much more serious than Dina had been prepared for and it thawed the ice in her veins._

_“You know you don’t have to do this as some kind of obligation to me, right?”_

_She had to make sure Ellie knew she had an out. She knew it wasn’t fair to force Ellie into this if it wasn't what she wanted. It wasn’t what she’d signed up for when they’d decided to give things a go between the two of them._

_“I’m not”_

_“Or to Jesse…”_

_Ellie sighed._

_“Babe. It’s not an obligation”_

_“Ellie -”_

_“If he were still alive would you -”_

_“No” Dina answered immediately and when Ellie’s eyes searched hers she continued, “I mean, God I wish he was alive. I’d give anything. But the baby wouldn’t have changed things between us. I loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him”_

_Ellie nodded, thumb brushing the back of Dina’s hand before she lifted it and pressed her lips gently to it._

_“I didn’t tell you because - well, because there was kind of a lot going on -” Ellie laughed softly. “- and then I was scared you’d leave me” she admitted quietly. “We’d just started out and it was everything I’d dreamt of but -”_

_“I’ve always wanted a family”_

_Dina opened her mouth to speak but Ellie shook her head and continued._

_“For a long time I thought that meant a Mom. A Dad” she explained. “Then I found Joel”_

_It still hurt to mention him but Ellie knew she needed to do this. “And that was enough. More than I’d ever imagined” she admitted gently. “But now - I want this, Dina. I want to be your family. I want to raise this baby with you, if you’ll let me?”_

_“Of course I will, you sap” Dina beamed happily and let Ellie pull her close._

_“So that’s it, huh? Me, you and -” she paused, hand moving to Dina’s stomach, sliding beneath the t-shirt that looked suspiciously like one of Ellie’s. “What did the doctor say he was the size of?”_

_“A potato”_

_Ellie smiled softly. “You, me and our little potato” she promised, leaning down to brush her lips to the small bump that was beginning to form._

\---

Ellie sighed heavily as she finished drying her hair with the towel and tossed it back towards the bathroom.

She was pretty sure it hit the ground rather than the bath but she didn’t have the energy to care as she pulled on some clean clothes.

Since when had stable duties been so hard?

At least the shower had gotten rid of the smell.

As she slowly stepped towards the bed something caught her eye and ripped a new wound into her heart.

The memory of a night so similar to what this could have been.

She bit her lip as she reached out and brushed her fingers gently over that very first sonogram photo. The one she had lovingly pinned up above her bed that next morning.

_”You, me and our little potato”_

It seemed so long ago now.

A distant memory.

A dream that could no longer be true.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie's been trying to find her place back in Jackson but she's never felt so alone. 
> 
> After a hard day she finally plucks up the courage to head to the diner for some of the decent whisky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took longer to write than I thought, but it's relatively long so hopefully it's worthwhile :)

It had been around a month since Ellie had made it back to Jackson and honestly every day felt the same. She often found herself wondering what was even the point to anything anymore.

She woke up - if she managed to get any sleep in the first place - headed into town to check what rotation Maria had put her on, worked her ass off and then went home alone. 

_I was supposed to die in that hospital_

Ellie had really thought that going after Abby once more would have given her purpose, and put this guilt to bed. 

_My life would have fucking mattered_

In the end it had made things worse. Her life didn’t seem to matter at all now. 

Maria gave her the shitty jobs that kept her busy but off of patrol. Whenever she saw Dina across the street the other woman would look away. And she hadn’t even heard anything of Tommy since she’d been back. 

It hurt. 

It hurt a lot.

Jackson no longer felt like the home she and Joel had built, and so she did her best to keep to herself. The people that knew her looked at her with disappointment and those who didn’t know what she’d done, well, their eyes always fell to her butchered hand and then turned away in disgust. 

It was lonely. 

It was everything she’d feared since she was a kid.

Jackson had been her haven. It had been the first place she had finally fit in. She’d had friends, she’d had _him_. Now it was just a roof over her head, a roof that she wasn’t sure she deserved anymore.

\---

Once her jobs around town were done for the day Ellie would usually go home, and stay out of the way, but tonight she had the need for the burn of whisky down her throat. 

That’s how she found herself in the diner, slumped on a stool at the end of the bar with an empty glass in her hand, ignoring the way Seth was glaring at her - surely that bigot should be happy Dina hated her now, right?

“Ellie?”

She closed her eyes tight against the pain, the rich sound of his accent no longer plagued her in dreams alone.

“Ellie?”

Her body tensed as she felt a hand on her shoulder, adrenaline pulsed through her body - fight or flight. 

“Yer back?”

She froze. Green eyes opening and lifting to see the battered face of the last family she had.

“Tommy?”

The older man smiled and it warmed Ellie’s heart for the first time in months as she rose from the stool and allowed herself to be enveloped in a tight one-armed hug.

“When’d you get back?” 

“Couple weeks” she replied, voice muffled slightly as she pressed herself tight against his shoulder. 

It felt good to be held after all this time.

“Couple o’ weeks?” he asked, pulling away to look at her. 

“I didn’t know where to find you, or if you’d want to see me” she shrugged, eyes searching his face. He looked like shit. She knew she probably did too.

“Course I wanna see you” he laughed softly, a bit of the old Tommy coming through in his smile. “Seth, couple more of your finest o’er here man” he called over to the barkeep before slowly lowering himself onto the stool beside Ellie’s. 

“Been worried sick about you” he admitted as they were presented their drinks.

Ellie smiled sadly. “No need. I’m fine”

She wasn’t. 

“So…” Tommy began and took a sip of his drink, Ellie nervously doing the same. 

“How’d ya do it?”

Ellie’s throat ran dry and she lifted her glass once more to buy herself a little time. 

“Listen Tommy -”

“I know, I know. You probably jus’ wanna put it all behind you now. But I gotta know, Ellie. It’s been eating me up”

She sighed heavily, staring down at the worn wood of the bar.

“I don’t want to talk about this, Tommy”

“Well I do, Ellie. I fuckin’ do” he snapped. 

A heavy silence fell between them.

“No”

“No?”

Ellie furrowed her brow and sighed softly, reaching out to play with the glass in her hand. Should she lie to Tommy? Would that make this easier? 

“I had my chance. I couldn’t do it” she finally admitted, her voice low. Shame flooded her entire body. She’d let Joel down. She’d let Tommy down.

“You’re a coward” 

Ellie sucked her teeth and nodded, eyes still focused on the wood grain.

“Yeah” she agreed, lifting the glass to her lips once more, avoiding making eye contact with him.

“‘I’ll make her pay’, that’s what you said”

“She’s paid, Tommy”

“Is she still breathing?”

Ellie sighed and gripped the glass tighter in her hand. 

“Last I saw” she shrugged. 

“Then she ain’t paid” his anger was starting to build, she could hear it in the way his accent thickened. 

Ellie closed her eyes and took a moment to steady her breaths, she really didn’t want to have an argument with him right now. Or ever, really. 

“Look at us, Tommy” she whispered, opening her eyes and glancing up at him. “Look how - how fucked up our lives are now”

“Because what she did to us” the man argued and Ellie could see his knuckles whitening as he held his glass tighter.

“Tommy, no” she sighed and dared to look up at him. “We did this to ourselves”

“What you talking ‘bout?” the bar quietened down as Tommy got to his feet, sending his stool clattering to the hard ground. “We ain’t done this to ourselves, Ellie. She came into our lives and she - she butchered him” his voice was getting louder with every word, pointing an accusing finger at her as he spoke. People were watching now. 

“Don’t you think I don’t know that, Tommy?” she demanded, her own voice getting higher and louder and when had she stood up? “I still - I see it every time I close my fucking eyes”

Tommy was silent as he glared at her. She knew he saw it too. His last moments with his brother. 

“What’s killing her going to change?” Ellie asked in a whisper. 

“Everything.”

Ellie shook her head. 

“She’s not so different from us, Tommy”

“You take that back” There was a fury in his eyes now that she didn’t think she’d ever seen in them before. “I’m not - I’m not condoning what she did. I fucking hate her for it, but he did kill her Dad…”

“To save you” the older man quickly pointed out. 

“Exactly” Ellie’s voice broke. “And how the fuck do you think I feel about that? It’s my fault he’s gone” she’d been wrestling with this knowledge for two years now. It was tearing her apart knowing that her life had ultimately cost Joel’s. She had wanted her life to matter, in the end it had ruined the only life that _had_ mattered to her. 

“Yeah. Yeah it is” Tommy replied firmly and it was at that point that Ellie could no longer hold back the tears, as the only family she thought she had left told her he blamed her for Joel’s death. 

If there was any part of her that wasn’t yet broken well, it was now. 

“Tommy you haven’t seen her. She - _fuck_ she’s lost everything too. She got her revenge and it wasn’t enough. Why would it be enough for us?”

She knew she couldn’t really justify her own cowardice. Not to Tommy at least. And not even to herself. 

“I don’t give a damn about that! She needs to pay for what she did to him”

“He wouldn’t have wanted this, Tommy…” she urged Tommy to understand, but she knew deep down that he wouldn’t. 

“We may have had our differences, but I loved my brother and I -”

“I loved him too!” she shouted angrily, the entire diner had stopped now to stare at the argument going on at the bar. She thought perhaps it might have been the first time she had said that out loud. But she did, she had, still did - she loved Joel and it was tearing her up inside having to go on without him. 

“You sure ain’t acting like it”

“Fuck you, Tommy”

This pain hurt too much. To have Tommy hate her like this, Ellie wasn’t sure how much more she could take. She’d hoped maybe he’d understand. 

“You ain’t welcome here, Ellie”

“I’m aware” 

“You better get yer things together and get on out of this town”

“Just fuck off, Tommy. And maybe lay off the booze for a little while?” she bit back, the pain morphing into anger now. She could smell the whisky on his breath, could see it stained into his shirt.

“Don’t you talk to me like that. This is my town” Ellie rolled her eyes at that and Tommy picked up her backpack from the ground and threw it at her. “Get out, Ellie. No one wants you here”

Ellie chose to ignore Tommy and lifted her glass to her lips once but that just riled him even more, making him step closer and push her roughly.

“Back off, Tommy!” she replied angrily, standing once more and clenching her fist. She didn’t want a fight, but she was ready for one. 

When the older man went for her she was caught off guard but he was so drunk she was able to duck out of the way. He went for her again and she was just quick enough to grab hold of him and press him against the bar. 

“What the fuck, Tommy?!” 

Finally their spectators decided to get involved, a couple of the men trying to pull the two apart.

Ellie had no real interest in having it out with her Uncle of sort and was quite happy to get out of it, but Tommy apparently wanted blood. The next swing of his fist caught her in the face but before she could retaliate she was dragged out of the way by one of the guys in the bar. 

“I think you should leave, kid” the man who’s name she couldn’t remember said as he tried to maneuver her out. 

“Fucking - get off me!” she pushed him away and grabbed her backpack before storming out of the diner. 

\---

She pushed the door open with all her strength, not caring how loudly it banged against the wall, and started stomping down the street. 

Ellie just wanted to get home after that encounter, she didn’t want anyone to see just how affected she was by Tommy’s hurtful words. 

Fuck them all. Especially him. 

She hadn’t accounted for the last person she wanted to see right now being stood in the middle of the street, wondering what the commotion inside the diner had been about. 

“Ellie?”

“Fuck” she clenched her teeth and pulled her backpack tighter over her shoulder as she reluctantly lifted her head to meet the gaze of her ex-girlfriend. 

“You stayed then?” Dina’s voice was quiet, a nervous edge to it. 

“Didn’t have anywhere else to go” Ellie shrugged. She really didn’t want to do this, not right now. 

“Wasn’t sure if you’d have stayed at the farm”

Ellie laughed humorlessly, “That was your dream”

Dina nodded, nervously biting her lip, she seemed just as uncomfortable as Ellie right now. 

“ _You_ were my dream” Ellie continued, her voice barely a whisper, lifting her head to look at the other girl. 

Dina sighed softly, clearly unsure how she was supposed to respond. But when she looked back up at Ellie the dim lights of the street caught the bruise that was quickly forming beneath her eye. 

“What happened?” she frowned and stepped closer to Ellie. 

“Nothing” she lifted her hand to stop Dina coming any closer, a huge mistake. 

Dina’s eyes widened as she noticed, for the first time, the damage that had been done to Ellie’s hand. 

“Ellie, what the fuck?” she stepped closer and this time it was Ellie’s eyes that widened as she realised what she had accidentally let Dina see. 

“Nothing. It doesn’t matter” she quickly shoved her hand into her pocket to hide the mutilation from the other woman. 

“That’s _not_ nothing” 

Ellie shook her head and tightened her hold on her backpack strap. 

“What so you can’t even talk to me now?” Dina asked irritatedly. 

“You made it pretty clear that you didn’t want anything to do with me” Ellie shrugged simply and Dina laughed humorlessly. 

“There you go, putting words in my mouth again” 

Ellie shrugged, staring down at the ground and staying quiet.

Dina continued. 

“I can’t just take you back, you know that”

Ellie kept her eyes down, suddenly fascinated by her sleeve. 

“You terrify me” she heard Dina admit, and Ellie closed her eyes against the pain of it. “The power you hold over me” the other woman continued. “What if you decided to leave again?”

“I wouldn’t” Ellie’s voice was small, she felt like she was fourteen again. 

“You don’t know that”

“I do”

Dina shook her head. 

“And I have to think about JJ too. It wouldn’t be fair on him if you just walked out again”

“Dina” she spoke sternly, finally lifting her head and looking at her ex. “I wouldn’t” 

She’d learnt her lesson, right? Leaving her family had been a huge mistake. If she got them back she’d never make such a stupid mistake again.

“Yeah well” Dina shrugged, folding her arms across her chest now as some form of defense. “That’s what you said when he was born…” she shot back. 

“I love you…” Ellie’s words were weak, desperation seeping into her tone.

“That’s not enough anymore…” Dina replied simply, hiding any evidence of the words affecting her.

“It can be”

“No” the break in Dina’s voice, the tears shining in those beautiful dark eyes, it broke Ellie in two. “It’s over, Ellie. You need to move on” she whispered before quickly turning and walking briskly away. 

As Ellie stood silently in the middle of the street she swore she heard Dina sob. She was pretty sure that she could fall to the ground and die of a broken heart right now. 

“Happy fucking birthday, Ellie” she muttered to herself, letting a lone tear fall.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is this fluff or angst? We may never know. 
> 
> Anyway, Ellie finds herself one of the famous Jackson bonfires...

**3 years earlier**

“Hey, Williams”

Ellie was hunched over in her seat, staring ahead of her, completely unaware that she was no longer alone.

“You stare any harder and you’ll burn a hole right through them”

“Huh? What?”

Ellie looked up at the source of the voice, a guy about her age - Jake she thought his name might be. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing”

“Okay” he shrugged and sat beside her, which made Ellie roll her eyes a little. 

“Want some?” He asked, offering the joint.

She hesitated before nodding and taking it from him, taking a drag.

“Ellie, right?”

She slowly blew out smoke to buy herself sometime before lifting her eyes to acknowledge him. 

“Right”

“I’m Jake”

She nodded and passed him back the joint. She didn’t like the way his fingers lingered as he took it back, her eyes drifting back to her friends at the other side of the bonfire. 

“Not seen you at this kinda thing much before” 

Ellie toed the dirt beneath her, watching it scuff her battered sneakers, and shrugged. “Not really my thing” she explained.

Silence fell between them again. 

Ellie’s eyes stared right through the flames at the scene before her. Dina. Wrapped up in Jesse. Her two best friends.

It shouldn’t hurt. But it did. 

“Hey did you hear me?”

“What?” She snapped a little, lifting her gaze and her eyes immediately softening as she realised she’d acted a little harsh. “Sorry, distracted”

“Yeah. I noticed that” he laughed softly. His laugh wasn’t annoying, not like some of the other guys. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to talk to him?

“I saw you put your name down for patrol training next week”

Ellie sighed softly and stared down at the ground. What was this guy’s deal?

“Yeah”

“Cool. Me too. I can’t wait to get out of these walls and do something good you know?”

Ellie nodded and glanced at him. 

“You ever killed an Infected before?”

Ellie frowned as her eyes searched his face. Who hadn’t? 

“One or two” she replied softly. 

Jake nodded. “What’s it feel like?”

“Survival” She paused and then continued, “You’ve never killed an Infected?”

“No” he looked sheepish at that. 

“Shit” she laughed softly and looked up at him, the tiniest of smiles on her face.

“Yeah it’s kinda embarrassing” he admitted.

“Yeah” Ellie nodded but her attention was soon caught once again by the sound of her best friend’s laugh. 

Jake didn’t seem to notice the source of her distraction though and moved a little closer.

“Hey I really like your ink...” he said and reached out to touch Ellie’s tattooed forearm.

She was so distracted by Dina’s smile from across the bonfire that his touch caught her off guard. Her eyes immediately widened and she jumped up from her seat, knife pulled from her back pocket and pointed straight at him without hesitation.

It all happened so fast, everyone around the bonfire heard the commotion and were staring wide eyed as Ellie pointed the knife at Jake who looked terrified. 

“Ellie?” she didn’t hear the voice over the pounding of her heart, “Ellie, come on. It’s me...” 

Ellie’s eyes were frantic, her chest rising and falling heavily and her teeth grit in a pained expression.

“El? I’ve got you, okay? Let’s lower the knife” 

Ellie let out a shaky breath as she felt Dina’s smaller body pressed against her back. Her friend reached around and gently took her arm, lowering it until she could retrieve the knife from Ellie’s hand. 

Jake was staring wide-eyed. Ellie was trying to focus on her breathing. 

“It’s okay. I’ve got you” she heard Dina whisper behind her as she pressed a soft kiss to Ellie’s shoulder. 

“Come on, lets get some air huh?” She wrapped her arm loosely around Ellie’s waist, her spare hand taking Ellie’s hand. 

“What the fuck, Williams?” She heard one of the other teenagers mutter but Jesse pushed them aside.

“Dina?”

He looked worriedly between his girlfriend and their friend.

“It’s fine, Jesse” she replied, her tone clipped. “Just - you stay. I’m going to get Ellie some air” she explained and guided Ellie away from all the people.

The taller girl was silent, letting her friend lead her away from the fire. 

When they reached the kid’s playground at the back of the daycare Dina let go of Ellie and unlocked the gate. When Ellie didn’t move her friend came back to her side, hand going to the small of her back as she led her inside. 

“I think I’ve had too much to drink to sit on the swings” Dina explained with a soft laugh which Ellie didn’t respond to. Dina smiled sadly and hoisted herself up onto the jungle gym, legs dangling off the side, and patted the space beside her.

When Ellie didn’t move she smiled sadly. “Hey don’t make me come down there. Move your ass, El!” She teased and reluctantly the taller girl walked over, pulling herself up onto the wooden frame to sit beside Dina. 

Dina watched, her own hands clasped in her lap, as Ellie’s gripped the wooden frame at the side of her, her eyes staring down at the ground below.

It didn’t look like Ellie was willing to talk, or even crack a smile, and that made Dina nervous. 

“You know this whole pouty, silent but strong look you’ve got going on is kinda hot”, she teased her friend after a few moments.

“Fuck off dina” 

“Ah there she is!” Dina beamed in response and Ellie slowly lifted her head, those entrancing green eyes searching Dina’s expression. 

Dina felt as though her breath caught in her throat as Ellie studied her and then a small smile spread across her best friend’s face and finally Dina could breathe again.

She smiled widely and nudged her best friend. 

“So...Wanna tell me what happened?”

Ellie shrugged and Dina waited patiently. 

“He touched me”

Dina’s brow furrowed. “Touched you? How?” 

“I don’t know. He said he liked the tattoo and touched it”

Dina laughed softly and shook her head, looking down at their legs, hanging over the edge and oh so close to one another’s. 

“Okay let me get this straight”

Ellie sighed. 

“You’re seriously telling me that he _actually_ said he likes this thing??” She grinned and reached out for Ellie’s forearm. 

“Fuck you, Dina” Ellie pulled her arm away and Dina just smiled wider.

“You wish” she quipped and Ellie’s throat ran dry.

It caught her off guard long enough that Dina could grab her arm again and pull it into her lap, delicate fingers tracing the ink. 

Ellie’s heart hammered in her chest. 

“I mean, I guess it’s _okay_ ” She drew out the last syllable, dark eyes fixed on Ellie’s arm. 

Ellie sighed and stared down at the ground once more. She wished she had the strength to pull her arm away, but she was pathetic. Her best friend was constantly on her mind and even though she knew Dina holding her right now was just a friendship thing Ellie’s treacherous heart was willing to pretend otherwise. 

“So...did you pull your knife on him because he liked your tattoo?”

Dina asked with a raised eyebrow, her fingers still gently tracing the recently healed skin of Ellie’s arm. 

When her friend didn’t respond she continued, “Or was it because he liked you?”

“What?” Ellie frowned and glanced up at Dina.

“Oh yeah. He totally has the hots for you” Dina replied simply as if it were the most obvious thing. 

“No he doesn’t” Ellie argued.

“Oh Ellie, you’re adorable” Dina teased in a lilting tone, her fingers tangling with Ellie’s as she held the taller girl’s arm in her lap still.

The gesture made Ellie swallow, her face flushing. 

“Hey, he’s pretty cute” Dina shrugged. 

“You think all the guys are cute” Ellie huffed.

“Not _all_ of them” Dina argued.

Ellie sighed and looked out over the town, lifting her left hand to brush a strand of hair out of her face.

She wasn’t sure how long they sat in silence but it was sort of nice. And for once Dina wasn’t being loud or pushy, she was simply letting Ellie choose when to finish this conversation. 

“Dina...”

“Hm?”

She saw her best friend glance up at her from the corner of her eye, but she couldn’t look at her. Ellie kept staring dead ahead and took a deep breath as she finally found the words she’d been searching for for what felt like forever. 

“You know I don’t like guys right...” she whispered.

There was a pause in which Ellie thought her heart might beat out of her chest or she’d die of embarrassment. 

“Suspected it, yeah” Dina replied softly, glancing at Ellie who was still doing her best to avoid looking at her. 

“Been waiting for you to feel ready to tell me though” she added after Ellie made no move to say anything more. 

Ellie sighed softly and made a move to retrieve her arm from Dina’s lap. 

“It doesn’t bother me if that’s what you’re thinking” Dina promised and tightened her hold on Ellie’s arm. “It doesn’t change that you’re my best friend”

Okay, now Ellie’s heart really was going to burst out of her chest, but this time with everything it felt for the girl beside her. 

“In fact it means I don’t gotta worry about you bringing your sleazy boyfriends to my parties” she teased and squeezed Ellie’s hand. “But no sleazy girls either, thank you very much” she added, emphasising the last syllable.

The tiniest smile crept onto her face as she raised her eyebrows slightly, bit her lip and looked down at her legs swinging below. 

“So you and Cat?” 

Ellie shrugged, she supposed she shouldn’t really be surprised that Dina had figured it out, right?

Dina smiled and continued, “Yeah, I figured she was getting more than just her needles into you...” 

“Dina!” Ellie’s eyes widened and she stared at her best friend incredulously. 

Dina grinned, clearly proud of herself for embarrassing the other girl. 

“Seriously though...she’s not taking advantage of you, right?” Her dark eyes met Ellie’s, searching her friends’ for the truth.

“What? No...”

“Okay it’s just - well, she’s older...” Dina shrugged.

“I’m eighteen, Dina”

“Yeah. Barely” she huffed. 

Ellie sighed and rolled her eyes.

“What is she? Like 30?” Dina teased.

“Fuck off” Ellie groaned. “She’s 23...”

“Yeah, so she’s older,” Dina shrugged. “Just looking out for my best friend is all” she smiled and squeezed Ellie’s hand softly. 

Silence fell between the two girls once more.

“She uh - she didn’t try anything before, right?” 

“Dina...” Ellie’s voice felt like a warning, one Dina would not heed. She was going to die of embarrassment. She might as well have been talking to Joel about this.

“I’m serious, El. That’d be kinda fucked up” she shrugged. 

“You just don’t like her”

“It’s _not_ that I don’t like her” She didn’t. “It’s that I know she started that tattoo before you were eighteen...” 

“Nothing else happened until I was eighteen” she assured her friend and Dina nodded. 

“You could invite her to things like this you know?”

“What? Sitting on the jungle gym freezing my ass off?”

“Firstly, it’s your fault for not dressing for the weather. As usual -“ Dina replied with raised eyebrows and a don’t mess with me expression.

“It was warm by the fucking bonfire!” Ellie argued.

“And secondly, stop being a smartass, you know I meant the bonfire, or the parties or whatever...”

“She doesn’t like them,” Ellie shrugged. 

“Right”

Ellie sighed and took a breath, glancing at Dina. “I think she feels a bit awkward hanging out with a bunch of teenagers...”

Dina raised her eyebrows and shook her head amusedly. “Well that’s what happens when you’re dating a Grandma!”

“Fuck you, Dina”

“Hmm, you could, but I don’t think your girlfriend would be pleased...” Dina smirked.

Ellie sighed heavily and lay back on the wooden jungle gym. Was this going to be her life now that she’d finally told Dina the truth? Her best friend was going to flirt even harder with her? Because it was eventually going to break her.

Dina smiled and lay back too. 

“Stars are really pretty tonight, huh?”

Ellie mumbled an agreement, biting her lip as she stared up at the night sky. 

“So are you” Dina whispered, Ellie’s arm still clutched in her lap. 

Ellie furrowed her brow, scrunched her nose in that adorable way that she did when she was embarrassed. “‘M not” she muttered.

Dina lay quietly and watched her friend for a few moments, wondering what she saw in Cat. Was it the age difference? The tattoos? All things Dina could never compete with. 

“Yes you are” she whispered after a few moments. “You can’t blame guys like Jake for trying, El” 

“This again” Ellie huffed frustratedly. 

“I’m just saying -“ Dina sighed and Ellie swore the smaller girl shifted closer so their bodies were pressed together. “You pulled a knife on him, Ellie. I mean, I get it if you don’t like guys, but it’s a pretty extreme reaction...”

Dina’s voice was cautious, quite unlike her usual bold self. 

Ellie closed her eyes for a few moments, thinking it all over, and Dina waited patiently. 

“When I was fourteen...” she began, her voice breaking slightly. She’d tried not to think about this in a long time. “When I was travelling with Joel...”

Dina nodded and squeezed Ellie’s hand to encourage her to continue. 

“He got hurt. Pretty bad”

Dina nodded, “I remember you mentioning. You took care of him, got him medicine, right?”

Ellie nodded this time. 

“Except the guy I got the medicine from - David”

It made her sick to say his name but the weight of Dina’s body pressed against hers had a calming effect.

“He Uh - it turned out it was some of his men that had attacked us. That Joel had killed when he got hurt” she explained. She sometimes still saw Joel being impaled on that metal rod when she closed her eyes at night. 

Dina bit her lip and squeezed Ellie’s hand softly. 

“They tracked me back to Joel so I tried to lead them away and - the fucker knocked me out, locked me in this cage” 

Dina had never heard Ellie’s voice so timid. 

“Turned out the fuckers were - they were fucking cannibals Dina”

“What the fuck?”

“Yeah” Ellie laughed humorlessly and closed her eyes at the pain of the memory. Dina leaned closer and pressed a kiss to her friend’s shoulder, urging her to continue, promising she was safe. 

“It was all such a blur. I just, I remember him on top of me” Dina squeezed her hand again. “I don’t know - shit, he was a creep. I don’t know what he was going to do to me” 

She had ideas. Each worse than the next. 

“Joel got to you in time though, right?”

Ellie shook her head tightly and lifted her sleeve to wipe her face. Dina felt her heart breaking for her best friend, terrified of what she was about to hear.

“I - fuck, Dina. I killed him” Dina let out a breath of relief, she hadn’t realised how tightly she’d been clinging to Ellie. “I fucking - I grabbed his machete and shit - I can still see the way his head split open” She felt disgusted at herself.

“Ellie’s it okay” Dina whispered. 

“I couldn’t stop. He was dead and I just - I kept hacking away at him”

It had taken days to get the blood out of her skin. 

Dina closed her eyes and pressed closer to Ellie, squeezing her hand.

“Fucking Joel. He had to pull me away from the body, I think I ruined his shirt with all the tears and blood and he just held me and told me it was okay”

She hastily wiped away her tears, embarrassed by them, and Dina pretended not to notice. 

“I fucking butchered him, Dina”

“He’d have done worse to you” 

Ellie nodded and lay silently for a few moments. She hadn’t spoken about what had happened with David in years. Had barely spoken about it when Joel had asked if she needed to. 

“So tonight? With Jake...”

Dina pressed cautiously. 

“If I’m distracted and someone touches me it just triggers the memories” she tried to explain.

Dina nodded. 

“You’ve never been like that with me”

Dina knew she was a touchy person. And she always reached out for Ellie without warning. She’d never even thought about how Ellie might not have liked that. 

“You’re different”

Ellie’s words intrigued the darker haired girl but she chose not to push it. 

“I’m so fucked up” Ellie whispered. “I just - I see him on top of me and it makes me panic” she explained.

Dina stayed quiet, just holding Ellie close, wishing she knew how to make her friend feel better.

“Hey” She smiled after a few moments, turning onto her side so she could properly look at Ellie. “You don’t like people on top of you” Dina smiled and Ellie turned her head, looking quizzically at her friend, her brow furrowed in that adorable way. 

“That’s uh - that’s an insight into your sex life that I’m not sure I needed!” She grinned.

Ellie’s eyes widened, her skin flushing. “Dina!”

The other girl just cackled happily. “Wow, lucky Cat” she teased, grinning wider as Ellie grumbled frustratedly and tugged her arm from Dina’s grasp, sitting up and staring down over the edge once more. 

She could pretend to be annoyed but really Ellie just admired how Dina could turn such a tense situation into a joke. 

“I’d never really thought about it before but God - yeah, I can totally see you asserting your dominance in bed...”

“Dina, what the fuck!?”

Ellie was bright red now, and despite the darkness of the night she turned her head away from Dina who was now cackling once again.. 

“Shit you’re so easy to make uncomfortable” Dina grinned as she sat up too, body instantly pressed against Ellie’s side once more. 

“So...what _exactly_ did you trade for Cat’s services?” She asked innocently as she reached out and pulled Ellie’s arm into her lap once more, tracing the intricate patterns of the tattoo.

Part of Ellie wondered why Dina kept reaching out for her, but it felt good and she didn’t want to question it. Didn’t want to ruin this moment.

“Was it some of that good whisky I know you keep a stash of?” She teased. “Or was it your body you offered?” She smirked and Ellie rolled her eyes. 

“Cause if it was - I think you deserve a lot more than just this tattoo...” she whispered.

“Dina, what are you doing?” Ellie asked weakly, lifting her head to look at Dina and being met with those dark eyes. Eyes that haunted her dreams. 

“Just making sure my best friend knows what’s she’s worth” Dina shrugged.

Ellie bit the inside of her cheek, her eyes scanning Dina’s face, dropping to those soft pink lips. She wondered what it would feel like to press them to hers. She wondered what Dina would do. Would she push her away? Or would she melt into Ellie, beg her to show her how special she was?

Before Ellie could make any such mistake a voice interrupted them.

“Ellie, hey...”

Ellie lifted her head and saw Cat leaning against the fence. 

It took a second too long but then Dina was dropping Ellie’s arm and the two girls were putting some distance between one another. 

“Hey...” she replied, staring back at her girlfriend, heart pounding and feeling as if she’d been caught red handed. 

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah” Ellie nodded and lifted her hand to rub the back of her neck sheepishly. “You just got back from the gate?”

Cat nodded, still leaning against the fence.

In the darkness Ellie thought perhaps she saw the older girl glance at Dina but then her eyes were back on Ellie. 

“Anything happen?”

Cat shook her head, “Last of the patrols came back, that was it” she shrugged, shifting her backpack.

Ellie awkwardly worked her jaw and nodded.

She didn’t think she’d ever been around Dina this long without her friend making a sound. 

“Walk me home?” Cat suggested and Ellie nodded.

“Yeah. Sure” 

She turned to glance at Dina who seemed fascinated by her own boot, and slid off of the jungle gym, her shoes crunching the ground below..

“I’ll see you later, D...” she said awkwardly, the tension in the air right now could be cut with a knife.

“Goodnight Ellie”

Ellie shoved her hands in her pockets and started over to the gate. She heard the sound of Dina’s boots hit the ground too and then her friend called out her name. 

She glanced at Cat and then turned back to Dina.

“Don’t forget your -“ Dina lifted the knife that she’d confiscated from Ellie earlier that night. 

“Oh yeah”

The taller girl strode back over to Dina, their eyes meeting and locking as she reached out to take the knife from her friend. The way Dina’s fingers lingered as she handed it over sent a shiver down her spine but it was nothing compared to the fluttering in her chest as Dina leaned up and brushed a kiss to her cheek. 

“Goodnight, Ellie” she whispered, gently squeezing her hand and looking over her shoulder. “Night, Cat” 

The older woman raised a hand to wave goodbye and Ellie just stared at her best friend’s back as she watched her walk away. The entire time she could feel her girlfriend’s eyes on her and once Dina was down the street she stuffed the knife into her pocket and turned around.

“Hey...” she whispered gently as she walked over to Cat, a tight smile on her face. 

“Hey” Cat replied and reached to open the gate.

“Thanks,” Ellie muttered, her smile not quite reaching her eyes as Cat leaned in and brushed a kiss to her lips. 

“Good night?”

“Yeah sure” Ellie shrugged, distracted as Cat’s fingers tangled with hers. They weren’t as warm and soft as Dina’s. 

“I thought you were going to the bonfire with a bunch of the others?”

Did Cat’s tone sound accusatory? Or was she imagining it?

“Yeah” Ellie mumbled. “We did”

“Okay”

Cat wasn’t the type to push for answers. Not like Dina. She didn’t seem to like confrontation.

Perhaps that was a good thing.

They walked in silence to Cat’s small home that she shared with some of her friends. 

As she opened the door Ellie moved to follow her inside, like she had so many times before, to spend time with Cat somewhere Joel wouldn’t come knocking.

“I’m actually kinda tired, Ellie” 

Cat turned in the doorway and looked at Ellie, effectively blocking her from walking in.

“Oh”

They stared at each other for a few moments. 

“Yeah of course” she nodded. “Long night, huh?” She awkwardly played with her sleeve.

“Yeah” Cat nodded, clearly feeling just as awkward as Ellie right now. 

“Okay well uh -“ Ellie was useless at this kind of thing, she looked up at Cat for guidance. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” The older woman suggested.

“Yeah. Tomorrow. Great” Ellie nodded.

“Okay” Cat’s eyes bore into hers for a moment and it was hard not to look away. “Goodnight, Ellie”

“Night” She whispered and took a step closer to kiss her girlfriend goodnight but instead Cat offered a sad smile and walked inside her home, closing the door softly behind her. 

Ellie let out a shaky breath and stared at the door for a few moments before shoving her hands into her pockets and starting the walk home, her head pounding with conflicting thoughts.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie is reunited with JJ...sort of...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty meh, but hopefully now it's out of the way I can write some better ones!
> 
> Thanks everyone that has read, left kudos and commented so far. It's so nice to know you're enjoying this, and encourages me to keep going <3

_”Congratulations, it’s a boy”_

_Dina’s breathing was heavy and filled with sobs, both from exertion and a happiness she’d never felt before. It was over, he was here._

_She watched carefully as one of the nurses took her little boy and wrapped him up in a blanket._

_“Do you want to hold him?”_

_Dina nodded quickly, ignoring the tears running down her cheeks._

_Carefully, she shifted her body as her son was placed in her arms for the first time, taking in the sight of him. Her mouth opened in a slight ‘o’ shape as she watched the baby peer around, tiny fingers reaching out._

_He was perfect._

_“Is his Daddy waiting outside?”_

_The question caused a pang in Dina’s heart, but she quickly recovered, the doctor was relatively new to town, didn’t know what had happened._

_She opened her mouth to respond when a commotion outside the room interrupted._

_“This is bullshit!” called an angry voice. “Just - fucking let me in!”_

_A soft smile crept onto Dina’s face and she looked up at the doctor._

_“I think my partner’s outside…” she explained softly._

_If it surprised the doctor that Dina’s partner was the source of the commotion he didn’t show it and instead walked over to the door._

_When Dina next looked up she found Ellie staring back at her from the doorway._

_“Hey” she smiled softly._

_“Hey…” Ellie replied, those usually bright eyes of hers looking so bewildered right now._

_Dina watched her for a few moments before gently gesturing with her head for Ellie to come and join them._

_She adjusted the rifle strap on her shoulder and slowly made her way over to Dina and the baby._

_Ellie looked a little shell shocked as she approached, which Dina found kind of adorable._

_“Did you seriously bring a rifle to the birth of your son?” Dina teased._

_Ellie’s eyes widened slightly, “I uh -” she reached to carefully remove the gun from her shoulder. “- just got back from patrol” she explained softly, placing the gun out of the way, her eyes fixed on the baby the entire time._

_Dina watched the other woman for a few moments, waiting for the words to register in her head._

_“My son?” she asked, obviously so shocked that this tiny bundle in Dina’s arms would ever be considered hers._

_Dina smiled softly._

_“Well,_ **our** _son” she corrected. “Do you wanna hold him?”_

_Ellie hesitated._

_“Come on, El, I’m exhausted” she teased and carefully shifted the baby in her arms._

_Ellie lifted her eyes to meet Dina’s nod of approval and then carefully lifted the baby from his Mother’s arms into her own._

_Dina sighed softly and lay back, her eyes carefully watching the two people she loved the most in this world. She was still so terrified that this would be too much for Ellie, that she wouldn’t stick around._

_Who wanted to raise someone else’s baby at the age of twenty?_

_Silence fell between them as Ellie sat down on the chair beside Dina’s bed, the baby was staring up at her now with his big brown eyes, his tiny fingers wrapping around one of Ellie’s._

_“Ellie…” Dina whispered after a few minutes. “Can you say something?” she asked nervously. She desperately needed to know what Ellie was thinking, needed to know that their family was going to be okay._

_Ellie stayed silent a little longer, her eyes fixed on the baby, but then something softened in them and she smiled._

_“He’s a little bigger than a potato”_

_Relief flooded through Dina’s body, the smile that stretched across her lips mirrored Ellie’s as they both looked up, eyes meeting._

_“Yeah, just a little” Dina smiled happily, reaching out and squeezing Ellie’s hand._

_They were going to be okay._

_They were going to be a family._

—-

It was a pretty grim day in Jackson, the sky was dark and the heavens were threatening to open. 

Ellie walked through the empty streets, Joel’s old jacket her only shield for when the rain finally came. 

Some maintenance was required on the old hydroelectric dam, and Ellie had offered herself as one of the volunteers - it would probably be good to get out of town for a few days. She’d seen Dina a couple times in the last few weeks and it had hurt more each time. The other woman couldn’t even look at her anymore, and it broke Ellie’s heart every time she caught Dina’s eye only for her ex to quickly look away. 

Love hurt. 

She was trying to shake their latest encounter, if you could even call it that, from her head when a small figure caught her eye across the street. 

Ellie’s brow furrowed and she stepped closer. 

“JJ?” 

She was sure that her mind was playing tricks on her as she watched the toddler...well, toddling across the road.

Within seconds she was rushing across the street and lifting him up into her arms. 

“Hey buddy…” her eyes searched his, a soft smile forming on her lips as the baby beamed happily up at her. “Wow, you got big” she smiled happily, she had missed him so much. 

“What are you doing out here alone?” she asked as she lifted him higher in her arms.

Where was Dina? None of this made sense. 

Ellie could feel a wave of panic starting to hit her as she wondered how JJ had gotten out here on his own. 

Before she could even start to wonder where to find Dina, a woman, a few years younger than Ellie, came rushing around the corner. 

“Oh JJ, thank God!” she cried at the sight of the toddler in Ellie’s arms. 

“Thank you so much” she turned her attention to Ellie. “He was just - and then he was -” she tried to explain frantically and reached out for the baby. 

Ellie stepped back, eyes narrowing as she took in this stranger. Who the fuck was this? 

“It’s okay, I’m -”

Ellie shook her head and tightened her hold on JJ. 

“He’s not going anywhere with you” Ellie argued. 

“But - I don’t even know who you are. I can’t just -”

“I’m his -” Ellie hesitated. What was she exactly? She’d been gone a while and Dina no longer wanted anything to do with her. What was she to JJ? 

Nothing, a voice in the back of her head told her. 

“I can’t just let you take him”

Ellie glared at the teenager, JJ blissfully unaware of the tension as he tugged at Ellie’s hair. 

“Ellie?”

Her head snapped up at the sound of JJ’s Mother. 

Dina looked between Ellie, her son, and the teenage girl. 

“Dina, hi…” the girl immediately addressed the woman. 

“What’s going on here?” she asked cautiously, reaching out and taking her son from Ellie’s arms. 

“She was - I don’t know who she is but -”

“I found him out on his own”

Dina sighed and gently bounced JJ on her hip, looking between them. 

“Amanda, it’s fine” she raised a hand to stop the girl. “Just - go back to work” 

The teenager, Amanda, looked worriedly between the two older women before nodding and disappearing back into the daycare building. 

“What the fuck, Ellie?” Dina turned on Ellie. 

Ellie’s eyes widened, “What do you mean ‘what the fuck’?” she demanded. “He was out in the street on his fucking own, Dina!” she explained, angrily gesturing to where she had found JJ. 

This time Dina’s eyes widened. 

“I can’t believe you let him go to that fucking place” her angry gestures this time were aimed at the daycare centre, because she had pieced together that that seemed to be where JJ had escaped from. 

“There’s nothing wrong with _that fucking place_ ” the other girl argued. 

“Are you kidding me?” she shook her head and glared at the shorter woman. “It’s run by a bunch of teenagers who just want a reason to get out of the fucking house!”

“What other choice do I have, Ellie?! I still have to work, I have to do my part around town”

“You have me” 

It was three simple words, but they held so much weight, so much emotion. They were a promise, and an offer. 

They weren’t wanted. 

“Yeah that’s really an option” Dina rolled her eyes and held JJ tighter. “Be fucking serious for once, Ellie”

“I am being serious”

“You left us. How am I supposed to forgive that?” Ellie opened her mouth to argue but Dina lifted a hand silencing her and continued. “Do you honestly expect me to just take you back, to _trust_ you again? To trust that you won’t just up and leave us. Again”

“I’m here now aren’t I?”

“That doesn’t mean anything”

“Bullshit! It means everything” Ellie argued. 

Dina shook her head. “You have no idea how much you hurt me, do you?” she bit her lip and turned her head so that Ellie wouldn’t see the tears forming in her eyes. 

“I’m here. I’m trying to fix things. I’m - fuck, Dina. Who knows what might have happened to him if I hadn’t been here just now?”

“We don’t need your fucking help, Ellie”

_I don’t need your fucking help, Joel_

The memory hit Ellie hard and caused her to take a step back, eyes wide. 

She stared up at Dina for a few moments, her heart aching from hearing those words from the person she loved the most in this world. 

Had that been how it had felt for Joel too?

“Just - just stay away from us, Ellie” Dina whispered, but Ellie didn’t pick up on how broken the other girl’s tone was, she was too distracted by the breaking of her own heart. 

And then the heavens finally opened, rain pouring down on Ellie as she watched her family walk away. 

Was this pain the same as what Joel had felt every time Ellie walked away from him?


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alarm bells sound, but not just in Ellie's head...

_“Ellie! You need to stop worrying” she laughed, forehead pressed to the other girl’s as they sat cross legged facing one another on Ellie’s bed. “He’s not going to find out” she insisted, pressing her lips to Ellie’s and then to her neck, sucking gently. “Well unless you tell him which, by the way, I still think you should...”_

_Ellie rolled her eyes exasperatedly. “That is **not** happening!” _

_“Why? Are you ashamed of me?” She challenged, raising her eyebrows._

_“No” she sighed softly, looking up into those dark eyes. “You know it’s not that it’s just -“ she sighed again. “Ugh” being a teenager was fucking hard. “He thinks I have a thing for Jesse” she admitted sheepishly._

_“Oh my god? What?” She laughed loudly._

_“Shh!” Ellie glared at the other girl._

_“That man is clueless” she chuckled, running a hand through her perfect hair._

_“Yeah” Ellie muttered and scratched her shoulder, her nervous tick._

_“Now come on, I didn’t trade shifts just to come here and laugh at you” she grinned and Ellie took a breath before leaning in and capturing the other girl’s lips in a hard kiss, pushing her down onto the bed._

_Ellie’s hands reached for thin arms, pinning them above the other girl’s head as her lips travelled down that long perfect neck, causing a moan from the girl beneath her._

_Ellie bit gently at her collarbone, spare hand starting to impatiently unbutton the girl’s shirt, sliding her hand beneath it and over a bra-clad breast._

_“Shit. You’re getting good at this” the girl whispered as Ellie lowered her head to brush her lips against her stomach. “Fuck, Ellie, that feels good...” she whispered as Ellie’s head lowered._

_She waited with baited breath -_

_**Knock.** _

_**Knock.** _

_The harsh noise caused both girls to spring apart, Ellie’s eyes wide with fear._

_“Fuck” she grabbed her plaid shirt and hastily threw it back over her t-shirt as the other girl moved to fix her own clothes._

_Ellie got off the bed and padded over to the door, taking a breath before opening it._

_“Dina?” She frowned, she’d definitely been expecting Joel._

_“Hey” the smaller girl beamed at her friend._

_Ellie lifted her hand behind her head and rubbed her neck awkwardly._

_“Wh - what are you doing here?”_

_“You said you didn’t have any plans tonight so I thought maybe we could watch one of those movies you were telling me about?” She shrugged simply._

_“Oh. Right...” Ellie nodded and bit her lip as she took in the sight of her beautiful best friend. “That’s Uh - really sweet but -”_

_“Everything okay, El?”_

_“Yeah, yeah of course” she nodded. “It’s just now isn’t the best time...”_

_“Oh...” Dina frowned and then peered over Ellie’s shoulder. “Oh. Hi Cat...” the lightness in her tone was gone, her eyes narrowing slightly as she saw the older girl. “I Uh - Ellie never mentioned you’d be here”_

_Cat shrugged. “Change of plan, had some spare time” she explained._

_Tension filled the air and Ellie wondered if she was imagining it or if the two other girls really did dislike one another._

_She noticed Dina’s eyes fall to her neck and she quickly covered the mark Cat had made with her hand, pretending to rub her neck in order to mask it._

_“Do you uh - do you wanna come in?” she asked Dina, gesturing into the cabin awkwardly._

_The shorter girl looked at Ellie, then over her shoulder at Cat, who was still sitting on the bed._

_The bed with the rumpled sheets._

_Cat was staring back at Ellie._

_If looks could kill._

_But Ellie was clueless._

_“Cat’s gotta go soon anyway” she shrugged and stepped aside._

_Dina walked into the small cabin a little awkwardly, and avoided looking at Cat._

_“Actually, I can stay a while,” Cat said simply, lifting her eyebrows and staring straight at Ellie._

_“Oh. Okay…” she nodded and rubbed her neck once more. “Well uh - maybe we could all just hang and watch a movie?” she suggested._

_Dina and Cat were silent so Ellie offered Dina a small smile and headed over to her kitchen area. “Do you want a drink?”_

_“No” replied Dina at the same time as Cat’s “Yes”_

_Ellie looked between them awkwardly before grabbing a glass of water and crossing the room to hand it to Cat._

_“Thanks babe” Cat replied, fingers lingering as she took the glass, and Ellie could practically feel the heat of Dina’s glare._

_“So uh - what do you want to watch?” she asked, looking between the two girls._

_Cat shrugged and Dina actually looked sheepish._

_“I don’t mind” she replied softly, folding her arms across her chest. “I uh - I just gotta use the bathroom…” she whispered and excused herself from the awkwardness, figuring she needed to let Cat say whatever was on her mind to Ellie._

_As soon as the door shut Cat glared up at Ellie._

_“What the fuck, Ellie?”_

_“What?” she shrugged, eyes wide._

_“I didn’t come here for a fucking threesome”_

_Ellie’s face flushed bright red and she had to look away._

_“What did you want me to say?” she asked frustratedly, eyes wide as she rubbed her shoulder awkwardly._

_“How about ‘sorry I’m hanging out with my girlfriend’, that might have been a good place to start!”_

_“You said you could only stay another thirty minutes” Ellie argued._

_“Then you tell her to fuck off because you only have half an hour with your girlfriend”_

_“Stop saying girlfriend”_

_Cat’s eyes widened and she glared at Ellie._

_“I don’t - fuck” Ellie sighed heavily and raised a hand in some kind of apology. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant - well, she knows you’re my girlfriend. You don’t have to keep repeating it”_

_“Does she?” Cat huffed. “I’m starting to wonder whether it’s you that doesn’t know, not her”_

_“Why are you acting fucking jealous? She’s my best friend, Cat. That’s it”_

_Cat shook her head and shrugged, looking up at Ellie._

_“You just can’t say no to her, can you?”_

_Ellie pursed her lips, arms folding across her chest, and glared down at the ground just as the bathroom door opened and Dina reappeared._

_Despite their hushed tones Dina had been able to make out most of it._

_“Hey, El…” the other girls were silent. “If you guys have plans I can just leave…” she offered._

_“No,” Ellie replied without even thinking and Cat scoffed._

_“Point fucking proven” she muttered softly to herself but Ellie didn’t hear._

_“No it’s fine” Ellie promised, “Let’s just watch a movie”_

_Why couldn’t they all just be friends? Was that such wishful thinking?_

_\---_

_The whole situation was soon made even more awkward by the realisation that the way Ellie’s room was set up meant you couldn’t see the tv from the couch, but instead needed to sit on the bed. U_

_This usually wasn’t an issue. Now, however, it was proving to be._

_Ellie was cursing her younger self for deciding being able to play video games in bed was more important than avoiding awkward future situations with your girlfriend and the girl you couldn’t stop thinking about._

_She was currently sitting against the headboard, Cat sat between her legs, and Dina sat beside her. There wasn’t a lot of room between them all._

_Ellie hoped to God that no one would ask her a question about the movie because she hadn’t been able to concentrate since the piracy warning at the start of the DVD._

_Cat had possessively reached out within minutes of the movie starting, pulling Ellie’s arm around her waist and tangling their fingers together as she lay back, her head resting against Ellie’s chest._

_Ellie was sure she could feel Dina’s eyes on their entwined hands. It was awkward as fuck._

_And really it shouldn’t be._

_Ellie had hung out with Dina and Jesse enough times where they’d been doing similar things._

_Yet somehow this was different._

_“Shit, this movie is terrible” Cat whispered as she watched the screen._

_“Yeah…” Ellie agreed, not daring to glance at Dina. It was one of their favourites to watch together. Instead she pressed a kiss to the top of Cat’s head, a good excuse to hide her face._

_“Babe, will you pass me some water?”_

_“Yeah, sure” Ellie carefully extracted her hand from Cat’s and picked up the glass of water from her bedside table, placing it in the other girl’s hand._

_She bit her bottom lip awkwardly as she waited and dared a glance at Dina._

_Dina immediately looked away, face flushing as she stared at the screen._

_Ellie looked back at Cat and took the water, placing it back on the table. Immediately Cat pulled her arm back around her, this time sliding Ellie’s hand beneath her top._

_Ellie’s heart was pounding in her ears. Had she ever felt so fucking awkward in her life?_

_Her eyes were fixed firmly on the tv but she was hyper aware of the way Cat had turned her head and was pressing soft kisses to her arm. And she just knew it wouldn’t have gone unnoticed by Dina._

_She didn’t know how much more of this she could take. She was about to declare that she’d forgotten she needed to go ask Joel something - talking to fucking Joel would be less awkward than this - and then she was saved by the bell._

_Or rather, the alarm bell._

_The sirens sounded loudly through the small cabin and Ellie quickly leaped up from her bed, grabbing her gun._

_Dina stood too and hastily rushed to pull on her jacket._

_Cat stared at the two of them._

_“Where are you going?”_

_“To fucking help” Ellie replied simply as she pulled on boots._

_The door to her cabin suddenly flew open._

_“I’m fucking coming” she growled, hopping on one foot as she tried to tie her boot laces quickly._

_Joel’s eyes settled on Ellie’s neck, then eyes darted between the three girls - if he noticed the love bite and had something to say he at least kept it to himself._

_“Joel. Fucking go!” she glared at him as she grabbed her jacket. “I’m right behind you”_

_The older man nodded and turned his back, rushing out into the streets._

_Cat was still sitting on the bed staring at Dina and Ellie._

_“Dina, you should stay -” Ellie started._

_“Oh fuck off, Ellie” Dina replied and pushed past her to the doorway._

_She sighed and glanced at Cat who looked terrified. She did her part around town, but patrols weren’t her thing, it wasn’t expected that she’d answer the call to arms when there was an attack._

_“Ellie…” she whispered worriedly._

_Ellie hesitated and stared at her girlfriend._

_“Ellie!” the urgency in Dina’s voice won and she rushed outside, letting the cabin door close behind her._

_“Fucking hunters” she groaned as her and Dina broke into a run, Ellie handing Dina a spare firearm._

_“Really? They’ve attacked at the perfect time” Dina huffed._

_Ellie frowned slightly but as they caught up with the rest of Jackson’s makeshift soldiers Ellie realised she knew exactly what Dina meant. Fighting was easy. Being stuck between those two women had not been._

\---

Ellie thought she was dreaming of a past alarm blaring. 

But the sound was still filling the darkness of the night. 

“Fuck…” she whispered, realising there’d be no wakeup call from _him_ this time.

She scrambled out of bed, pulling on the clothes she’d been wearing the day before and grabbing her gun. 

As she ran out of her home and into the town her eyes widened. The street was lit up in the orange light of flames that engulfed some of the nearby buildings. Fuck, this was so much worse than it had ever been before. 

There was no time to assemble in the town centre, every able bodied fighter in Jackson was quickly rushing towards the source of the commotion. 

Ellie sped up, gun raised as she got closer. It had been a long time since she’d been faced with a human attacker, but it didn’t phase her as she fired a shot into the side of a man’s head before he could do the same to one of her friends.

She leaped the fence, eyes darting around her looking for more attackers. 

It was chaos. No cohesion. 

It was hard to see friend from foe. It was hard to see anything with the smoke filling the night air, and her lungs. 

“Ellie!”

She looked up just as Maria came rushing over to her, taking cover behind the fence with the younger woman. 

“Maria! What the hell is happening?”

“No idea. It’s an ambush, I don't know how they got in” she admitted. 

“Fuck. They’ve got us surrounded” 

Maria nodded. “I’ll cover you, can you flank them?”

Ellie bit her lip, they didn’t have much choice. “Fuck. Yeah. Yeah I’ll try” she nodded. 

Maria squeezed her arm and then rose, aiming over the fence and shooting a couple rounds. 

Ellie took the opportunity and jumped the fence, skidding to cover behind a truck. She peered round and shot down another attacker. 

\---

By the time it was over Ellie was exhausted. She collapsed against the nearest wall as she heard Maria call out “All clear”, her breathing heavy as she lifted her arm and wiped her brow. 

She took a moment to regain her breath before rising and looking at the chaos around her. 

Some of the guys were already putting out the fires. 

Ellie slowly walked through the street, looking down at her fallen friends and their enemies. She stepped closer to one, dressed in a familiar black military jacket. 

Her heart began to pound, a familiar tightness in her chest, as she crouched down and flipped over the body. Relief flooded through her as she took in the blank arm, no sign of a ‘WLF’’ patch stitched to the material. She had been terrified she had brought them to the town. 

Again.

“Quick! Over here!” she heard Maria calling. “We need to get her out”

Ellie frowned and started moving a little quicker towards where Maria crouched beside some of the collapsed rubble of the old warehouse. 

There was a feeling in her gut. 

And it wasn’t good. 

She broke into a run, her heart in her stomach. 

_No. Please no_

She rushed over, dropping her gun and falling to the ground. 

“Dina?!”

The girl was laying half under the rubble, eyes closed, blood covering the side of her head. 

“Ellie, stop” Maria was trying to pull her away but Ellie pushed her back, using every bit of strength she had to lift the fallen timber from Dina’s body. 

Ellie was vaguely aware of two of the guys trying to help her but she was so focused on getting Dina out of there. 

“Dina…” she cried weakly, hands cupping the other woman’s lifeless face once she was free of the rubble. 

“Don’t do this, Dina” she whispered brokenly, gathering the woman she loved into her arms. “Dina. Fucking - get up” she cried, tears falling down her face as she cradled the woman to her. 

“Ellie, please” Maria was trying to lift her again. “We need to get her some medical attention” she argued, managing to tug Ellie away enough that the two men could move in and carefully lift Dina between them. 

Ellie collapsed against Maria, sobbing in her arms. 

She couldn’t lose her. 

Not like this. 

She couldn’t die without knowing how much Ellie loved her. 

Not like _he_ had.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie has spent every waking hour by Dina's bed, but if the woman she loves wakes will she even want her there? 
> 
> They were meant to be a family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, joined Tumblr to reblog endless Dina/Ellie content. [Feel free to hit me up!](https://moth-and-fern.tumblr.com)
> 
> Thanks as always everyone who has commented, left kudos or even just read! It means so much <3

_Dina stirred in her bed, everything fucking hurt. Her body ached, she felt like she’d been tossed across a room by a damn Bloater._

_She kept her eyes squeezed shut, maybe if she was lucky she could get a little more sleep._

_But as she was attempting to drift back off she heard the soft cries of her son, followed by movement in the bed._

_“Hey buddy…” Ellie whispered as she climbed out of bed and crossed the small room, lifting the baby into her arms._

_Dina smiled to herself. Ellie was really doing this._

_They were really a family._

_“Gotta let your Mom sleep” Dina heard her telling the baby as the bed dipped and she sat back down._

_Dina could hear the baby babbling softly now and it brought a smile to her face._

_“What’s wrong, huh?” she gently bounced the baby. “You hungry?” Ellie asked gently._

_“Hey, did you know - ‘a mother’s milk is a newborn’s breast friend’” Dina heard Ellie chuckling at her own, terrible, joke. “No? Eh, you’ll appreciate these much better when you’re older” she insisted with a shrug._

_Dina smiled at that and rolled over, opening her eyes to look lovingly at her family._

_“Are you subjecting my son to your terrible jokes?”_

_Ellie smiled happily as she saw Dina awake, the baby still clutched in her arms, and shrugged. “He loves it,” she insisted._

_“Oh yeah, sure he does” Dina rolled her eyes as she carefully shifted so that she was sitting up against the headboard too. “Just like I _love_ them” she teased. _

_“You’re the worst” Ellie huffed._

_“Hm. I love you though” Dina smiled happily as Ellie leant down and brushed a soft kiss to her lips._

_“Anyway, the little spud is getting hungry”_

_“Oh? So that’s my cue?”_

_“Mm hmm” Ellie nodded and carefully shifted the baby into Dina’s arms. “There you go, bud. Mama’s kitchen is open” she teased._

_Dina rolled her eyes as she carefully maneuvered her son, lifting her shirt and letting him latch onto her breast._

_“Fuck, I’m so glad I don’t have to do that” Ellie laughed as she sat back and watched the baby suckling._

_“Oh?” Dina’s eyebrows rose as she watched her girlfriend. “You don’t wanna get your mouth all over my boobs?”_

_Ellie’s eyes widened and she laughed._

_“Touché” she replied softly._

_“Okay go make yourself useful, Mama’s hungry too” she insisted and nudged Ellie out of the bed._

_“Alright, alright! Geez, you weren’t this cranky when you were pregnant!” she laughed and got out of bed, pulling on some fresh clothes before disappearing downstairs._

_Dina let out a soft and happy smile._

_They were a family._

\---

Dina stirred in her bed, everything fucking hurt. Her body ached, she felt like she’d been tossed across a room by a damn Bloater.

She kept her eyes squeezed shut, maybe if she was lucky she could get a little more sleep. 

“Okay, okay. I’ve got one for you”

Dina’s eyes shot open at that voice. 

"Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?” she heard Ellie asking, before “He was outstanding in his field." 

The other woman laughed stupidly at her own joke and Dina’s heart skipped.

“Wow, nothing? Really?” Ellie laughed softly and Dina could picture her shaking her head amusedly. “Eh tough crowd” she complained.

Dina frowned, was Ellie talking to her? 

“Geez, you’re as bad as your Mom” Ellie continued. “Maybe one day you’ll finally appreciate my incredible jokes ”

Dina tried to sit up, eyes searching the room until they landed on Ellie sitting in an armchair, JJ sat on her lap. 

“Ellie?”

Ellie’s eyes widened and immediately shot up to meet Dina’s. They stared at one another for a few long moments, JJ bouncing on Ellie’s legs, her strong arm around his waist holding him safely. 

“Hey…” she finally whispered. 

Dina remained quiet, just staring at her son and her ex. Was this some kind of a dream? 

Ellie stared back and Dina could see apprehension in the other woman’s expression. 

“How are you feeling?” Ellie finally asked and it took a moment for Dina to remember the way her body ached. 

“Oh yeah, perfect…” she replied with a roll of her eyes that brought a soft smile to Ellie’s lips. 

In another place and time it would have made Dina’s heart skip. 

Now it made her heart pang. 

The two women stared at one another for a few moments long and then JJ started bouncing, waving his little arms and legs around in Ellie’s arms. “Mama!” he cried and Ellie laughed. 

“Yeah, Mama’s awake” she smiled and lifted the boy up into her arms as she stood. 

Dina watched, breath caught in her throat, as Ellie approached the bed, crouching down at the side of it and placing JJ down. Immediately he crawled towards his Mom. 

“Hey careful little man” she smiled and reached out, her hand going to JJ’s back. “Mama’s still hurting”

Dina was so lost in the way that she was watching Ellie, and more specifically the way that Ellie still interacted so naturally with JJ, that it took a moment for the words to register. 

“What happened?” Dina asked softly. 

Those soulful green eyes that Dina had fallen in love with so long ago lifted and took her breath away once again. 

“Town was attacked by hunters,” she replied, voice low. 

Dina could see JJ crawling across the bed, Ellie’s hand sliding under his stomach to stop him getting too far - another pang to her heart. 

“I don’t -”

“It’s been a few days. Shit, I don’t know, maybe a week” Ellie shrugged and it was then that Dina noticed just how rough the other woman looked. She looked exhausted. 

Had Ellie not been sleeping? Had she possibly spent every hour since the attack by Dina’s bed?

Surely not. 

“I don’t -” she sighed heavily and shifted slightly, she was still crouching beside Dina’s bed. It couldn't have been comfortable. “I’m not exactly sure what happened. Just that we found you trapped under the collapsed warehouse once it was all over” she explained. 

Dina bit her lip and let her eyes fall to her son as he crawled closer, reaching out for her. Ellie’s hand was hesitant beneath his stomach, clearly unsure whether she should stop him or not. 

“Hey little man” Dina smiled softly at her son who was grinning and showing her his baby teeth. “Why don’t you go to -“ she hesitated, eyes lifting to meet Ellie’s. 

What was Ellie to JJ now? Was she still his Mom? Could Dina allow that? Would Ellie want that?

They were meant to be a family. 

The other woman seemed to sense Dina’s uncertainty and reached out for the baby. “Hey spud, come here. I gotcha” she stood up and hoisted him into her arms. 

“He’s a big boy now, huh?” She glanced down at Dina who smiled sadly. 

“It’s going by so fast,” she agreed. 

“And you’re doing okay on your own?”

Dina had to bite her tongue, stop herself reminding Ellie’s who’s fault it was that she was alone. 

“We get by” she chose to reply softly instead. “It’s been really helpful to have Robin and -“

Ellie nodded. “They seem pretty protective” she responded quickly, tone a little clipped.

Dina smiled sadly, figuring Ellie and Jesse’s parents had had some kind of confrontation.

“They’re downstairs” she explained. “Keep coming to check I’ve not hurt you or JJ” she rolled her eyes, bouncing JJ slightly in her arms. 

“He’s their Grandson. He means the world to them” 

“He mea -“ Ellie stopped mid sentence and glanced away sighing, Dina could tell from the furrow of her brow she was talking herself down from an argument. It was progress she thought. “He’s lucky to have them” she responded instead and Dina nodded. 

“So am I” she whispered, shifting slightly in her bed and wincing at the pain.

Ellie stepped forward as if she was going to help but then stopped. 

Dina let out a soft breath and glanced back up at her son and his Mother. Was it fair of her to keep thinking of Ellie in that way? 

Her eyes drifted to where Ellie clutched the little boy, to where he was reaching out for her hand, and to the angry red skin where Ellie’s fingers used to be. 

“Does it hurt?” She asked gently. 

Dina could see the moment that Ellie realised what she was referring to because she instantly clenched her hand into a fist and averted her eyes. 

When Ellie didn’t respond Dina bit her lip and continued to watch the other woman. 

“Cause you can tell him to stop if he’s hurting you” she explained instead. “He’s quite good at understanding the word ‘no’ now”

Ellie shook her head, “S’fine” she whispered. 

“Am I allowed to ask what happened?”

Their eyes met and Dina felt frozen in time. Until Ellie spoke. 

“Abby”

And it was broken.

“Oh”

Honestly Dina hadn’t been sure if Ellie had completed her quest to find the other woman. And she hadn’t wanted to know.

There’d been enough death, and violence and revenge in their lives. She couldn’t be a part of that anymore.

And so she had avoided asking. 

Silence fell between them once more and Ellie shifted JJ to the other arm. 

Dina had felt a breath of relief when Jesse’s Mother, Robin, suddenly walked into the room. 

“Dina, you’re awake” she practically pushed past Ellie to check Dina’s temperature and how she was feeling. “Are you hungry? I could rustle something up?”

“No Robin, thank you” she smiled softly. “I feel too exhausted to eat”

The older woman nodded and brushed her fingers through Dina’s hair.

“Then get some rest, sweetheart. Don’t worry, I can look after little JJ” she promised.

And then she turned on Ellie.

“I’ll take him now” there was no question in her tone.

Dina watched the way that Ellie stopped herself from arguing and reluctantly handed the baby over to his Grandmother. 

“See you soon, bud” she whispered, gently squeezing JJ’s hand, and brushing a finger through his soft hair.

Robin looked between the two women and then fixed her eyes on Ellie. 

“Dina needs to rest. You should go. You’ve been here all day” she clearly didn’t sound happy that Ellie was here.

“Okay” Ellie whispered in response, not wanting to argue, and stepped aside as Robin left the room with JJ.

“Endearing yourself to the Grandparents I see” Dina raised her eyebrows slightly. 

Ellie huffed and folded her arms across her chest, leaning against the wall. 

“You’ve missed quite a few arguments between us” she admitted softly. “They were adamant that I shouldn’t be here” 

“Why are you here?”

Ellie frowned, eyes lifting to meet Dina’s, a flash of hurt crossing them at the question. 

“Because you were hurt. I was scared I was going to lose you”

“Ellie, you lost me when you left for California”

“I don’t believe that” 

“No?” Dina raised her eyebrows. “You chose revenge, you chose her, over your family” 

“That’s not true!” She argued.

“Of course it is” she whispered, voice breaking. 

“I left for my family!”

“Wow” she shook her head and looked away. “Do you hear yourself?”

“Dina…”

“Ellie, don’t” She said harshly. “We clearly have very different views on what family means”

“I was terrified of hurting you. Or JJ”

“But that’s exactly what you did!” Did Ellie not see this?

“I had to end it. It was eating me up inside” 

“Don’t you think I don’t know that? I sat up with you on the nights the nightmares wouldn’t go away -“

“I know”

“- I did everything I could to help you, but you needed to help yourself” 

“That’s what I was doing!”

“Violence wasn’t the answer, Ellie”

Ellie looked away and frustratedly wiped her face, Dina thought she glimpsed tears on the other woman’s skin. 

“I did what I thought was the right thing for my family,” she explained, turning back to Dina.

“And you expected to come home to find us waiting for you?”

“I’d hoped, yeah”

“Do you not understand how unfair that was on us?”

Ellie was silent.

“He wouldn’t have wanted this you know”

Ellie pursed her lips, worked her jaw, all classic Ellie signs of discomfort. 

“Family meant the world to him”

Ellie scoffed.

“If it had been me or Tommy he would have gone after her too”

“Yeah maybe” Dina sighed. “But he wouldn’t have wanted you to lose yourself, Ellie”

Ellie sighed and looked away, Dina could see her working her jaw in the way she always did when she knew she was losing an argument.

“You know I didn’t mean to hurt you, right?” Ellie asked eventually, carefully glancing at Dina. 

“Of course I do”

Ellie nodded and looked down at the ground once more, sucking her teeth.

Dina sighed. 

“I know how that head of yours works, El” she whispered softly. “I don’t hate you. Far from it” she saw the slight movement of Ellie’s throat, indicating the other woman had swallowed, but Ellie didn’t look at her. And so she continued. “I just, I don’t know how to forgive you”

She saw Ellie squeeze her eyes shut. 

Dina felt her pain. 

“I don’t - I don’t properly understand why you had to leave, why you thought you had to keep doing this to yourself” Dina explained, voice soft. “But I do understand that for whatever reason you thought it was necessary, that you didn’t think there was another option”

“There wasn’t” Ellie whispered in response, opening her eyes and glancing over at Dina. 

“But Ellie, look at it from my side of things, you chose revenge over your family”

“I was protecting my family”

“Were you?” Dina raised her eyebrows, keeping her voice low. She wasn’t trying to start an argument, there’d been enough of that, she just needed Ellie to understand how she was feeling about all of this. 

Ellie hesitated. 

“If she was going to kill us Ellie she would have done it back in Seattle”

Ellie sighed and looked away again. 

“You used to be the strongest person I knew” she whispered, tears forming in the corner of her eyes as she watched Ellie. 

Ellie’s green eyes lifted to meet Dina’s. 

“But then you let your anger win,” Dina continued gently. “You let anger and violence and revenge become more important than your family”

“I didn’t”

The two women stared at each other. 

The way Ellie’s eyes fell shut with a sigh was enough for Dina to know that Ellie finally understood what she had done. 

“Tell me how to fix this, Dina” she begged and her tone made Dina’s heart break in two. 

“I can’t do this for you, Ellie”

“I’m not asking you to. I’m just asking how”

“I don’t know,” she whispered. “I don’t know if you can” she found herself admitting brokenly.

A silence fell between them and it felt too final for Dina to like. 

Ellie pursued her lips and nodded, pushing herself off of the wall she was leaning on.

“Right”

“El…”

There was a hardness to Ellie’s expression as she looked up at Dina now. 

“Does it still haunt you?”

Ellie stared at her, arms still folded across her chest, and eyes devoid of emotion as she considered Dina’s words. 

“Yeah” she whispered, glancing down at the ground and toeing the old wooden beams with her shoe. 

It broke Dina’s heart to hear that. 

“Then what hope is there for us?” she whispered. “Ellie, you have to find a way to forgive yourself before you can move on. Before we can even think about trying to be a family again”

“I don’t know how,” Ellie admitted. She had tried everything she had thought of. 

“I wish I could help”

“You can”

Dina shook her head. She couldn’t go through that again. It wasn’t fair on either of them. 

“Ellie, if I couldn’t before then what chance have I now?”

Ellie didn’t respond. 

“You did more than enough for him” Dina whispered.

“I should have saved him”

Dina squeezed her eyes shut, letting the tears finally fall as she shook her head. 

“Please don’t blame yourself, El” she begged. “It wasn’t your fault”

Ellie scoffed. 

“I know you think it was, but it wasn’t. No one knew what was going to happen. It was horrible and it was unfair but you can’t blame yourself. It’s not healthy” 

Dina cared so deeply for Ellie, she just desperately wanted the other woman to find some kind of solace. 

“He would want you to be happy, Ellie”

“How the fuck -” Ellie paused and took a deep breath. “How can I be happy when he’s fucking dead because of me?” Ellie’s eyes looked frantic now, as the truth came out, as her insecurities, her worries, her beliefs were laid bare. “It should have been me”

After all this time she still thought she was to blame for Joel’s death. 

And she was still angry at him for taking away her chance to matter, and taking with it his presence from her life. 

“You matter, Ellie”

“Not the way I should have”

Dina’s tears were falling freely now but she didn’t move to wipe them. 

“You mattered to him,” she whispered. 

Ellie shook her head and looked away. 

“And look what happened to him”

“Ellie, he would have chosen that”

“Dina…”

“No, Ellie. Listen to me” Dina insisted. “He loved you. Maybe what he did wasn’t right. But he did it and he did it because he loved you” It had been a long time since Ellie had admitted to Dina the reason for Joel’s death, but she remembered every detail. “And he would have done it again”

_I’d do it all over again._

“And I’d have done the same,” Dina whispered. “You fucking matter, El”

Ellie wouldn’t look at her but Dina could tell from her body language that she was crying too. 

“You should rest” Ellie whispered after a few moments of silence. 

Dina wanted to scream in frustration. She’d been getting through to the other woman and then Ellie had thrown up her walls. It was predictable, it was infuriating, but it was Ellie. 

“Okay” Dina replied softly. 

She knew there was no point arguing. Ellie needed to go away and process the words they had just shared, lick her wounds. 

“I can come by tomorrow if you -”

“I’d like that,” Dina confirmed with a nod. 

“Okay”

“Goodbye Ellie”

“Bye”

Ellie turned and walked out without looking back. 

Dina sighed heavily, squeezing her eyes shut to slow the tears. 

They were meant to be a family.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get heated in the kitchen...and by heated I mostly mean the food...gets cooked. Or something.
> 
> Anyway, it's late and I can't speak for my proofreading skills right now but hopefully this chapter makes some sort of sense.

_Two years earlier_

_“So?”_

_“Mm” Ellie nodded, mouth full._

_Dina held her arms out wide, eyebrows raised, clearly looking for more._

_“S’good”_

_“ **Just** good?”_

_“No. Really good” Ellie shrugged._

_“Yeah?”_

_“Yeah” she nodded and Dina looked relieved._

_Ellie smiled softly. “I didn’t know you could cook?”_

_“Well, technically it’s baking” Dina pointed out as she sat down on the arm of Ellie’s couch._

_“Same thing”_

_“Yeah, see, it’s only the same thing if you’re useless at both” Dina argued, one perfect eyebrow raised._

_Ellie shrugged and took another bite of the loaf._

_“So, I take it you can do both?” Ellie asked once she’d swallowed the bite. “Baking and cooking?”_

_Dina shrugged, “I can handle my own in the kitchen”_

_“Hm, you’ll make a perfect housewife one day” Ellie smirked._

_“Oh yeah?” Dina smiled brightly and stood up, taking Ellie’s empty plate from her lap._

_“Mmhmm” she nodded and stood too. “Hey, I’ll get that” she insisted, taking the plates from Dina’s hands._

_“So chivalrous” Dina teased and nudged her friend, following her to the small kitchen area of Ellie’s home. She smiled at the other girl before filling up the sink as Ellie placed their empty plates in._

_“So...where do I sign up?” Ellie asked as she leant back against her desk, arms folding across her chest._

_“For what? Baking lessons?” Dina laughed._

_“No. For the perfect housewife” Ellie pushed herself off of the desk and was suddenly behind Dina, her arms sliding around the shorter girl’s waist._

_The dominance of it was - well, Dina was finding her best friend incredibly sexy all of a sudden and she wasn’t sure she wanted to spend too long dwelling on that realisation._

_“Oh you’re interested?” Dina laughed it off instead, her eyebrows raised and a smirk on her face._

_Ellie laughed softly. “Hey, I need someone to keep me fed, right?” she grinned._

_Dina turned in Ellie’s arms, eyes searching her best friends’._

_“And that’s **all** you need?” Dina asked, raising an eyebrow. _

_Ellie shrugged._

_“Cause I’m pretty sure a perfect housewife would offer a **little** more than skills in the kitchen…”_

_Ellie laughed softly, her arms were still loosely placed on each side of Dina’s waist, and if the shorter girl looked hard enough she would notice the slight flush of Ellie’s skin._

_“If she’s good in bed too that’s a bonus, right?”_

_Dina laughed and slapped Ellie’s hands away._

_“You’re incorrigible” she huffed and turned back to doing the dishes._

_“I swear you make these words up!”_

_“I just read, Ellie. You should try it!”_

_“I read!”_

_“Oh really?” she glanced at her friend with raised eyebrows and Ellie grinned._

_“Yeah, have you not seen how many fucking boxes of comics I have in here?” she gestured around the room._

_“Comic books? Seriously?” Dina laughed and pushed Ellie away but Ellie just moved closer again, wanting to annoy her friend, her arms sliding back around Dina’s waist._

_Dina’s breath hitched and it took her a moment to recover._

_“Comics aren’t the same as reading” Dina insisted, hoping Ellie hadn’t noticed how her body had responded to her best friend’s touch._

_“Totally are!” Ellie argued._

_“They’re just pictures!”_

_“There’s words too!”_

_“Oh yeah?” she smirked and pushed Ellie away roughly this time, glad of the distance between the two of them. She slowly padded over to the coffee table, her eyes fixed on Ellie the entire time, and grabbed the nearest comic, opening it and pretending to read interestedly._

_“Wham? Crash! Bam! Crunch!” she shook her head. “Those aren’t words, they’re sounds”_

_Ellie rolled her eyes._

_“Wham, bam, thank you ma’am” she grinned and grabbed the comic from Dina’s hands._

_“Wow, you’re disgusting!” Dina laughed, shaking her head at Ellie’s words._

_“What? Why?”_

_“Do you even know what that means?”_

_Ellie shrugged and flipped through her comic._

_“You’re gonna make a girl really fucking lucky one day” she teased and went back to the kitchen._

_“What’s that supposed to mean?_

_Dina just laughed and shook her head, going back to cleaning up._

_**”Wham, bam, thank you ma’am”** _

_She couldn’t help but wonder if that’s really what it’d be like - sex with Ellie._

_Her best friend could put on some bravado when she wanted to, but somehow Dina couldn’t imagine her being like that in the bedroom._

_Not that she should have been imagining it._

_She was with Jesse._

_She’d never been with a woman._

_She really shouldn’t be thinking about it._

_She couldn’t help it._

_The way that Ellie was acting with her today, the way that **she** was acting with Ellie. It made her wonder. _

_And despite Ellie’s teasing, Dina knew she’d be a caring and attentive partner in bed. Her best friend’s heart was full of love, and desperately craved affection in return._

_She wouldn’t look for a quick fuck._

_No. She’d take her time with her partner._

_She definitely wasn’t the ‘wham, bam, thank you ma’am’ character of those old western’s she loved to watch with Joel._

_Dina swallowed nervously and looked up from where she was washing the dishes._

_Ellie was now sitting on the couch, legs stretched out on the coffee table as she read the comic book. It was so completely normal, Ellie in her natural state, and Dina desperately wanted to jump her. She wanted to climb onto her lap, press her lips to Ellie’s and finally know what it was like to feel those hard muscles work beneath her._

_Or above her._

_She didn’t mind either way._

_Maybe there was more to this than the way the two friends were acting today._

_Maybe there was more to Dina’s recent realisation that things had stalled with Jesse._

_And maybe, just maybe, there was more on offer from Ellie should Dina seek it._

\- - - 

“Yeah if you just -” she craned her neck to watch. “No, don’t. Not like...that…”

Dina laughed softly, shaking her head. 

“What? You just said…”

Ellie’s eyes widened as she turned to look at Dina. 

“No, Ellie” the other woman chuckled gently. “I didn’t get chance to say anything” 

Ellie groaned frustratedly. 

“It’s fine, just -”

“It’s ruined,” Ellie huffed and threw the wooden spoon back into the sink. 

“Ellie, it is _not_ ruined” Dina was struggling to keep a straight face. 

“I can’t do this shit”

“What? Cook?” Dina shook her head amusedly and adjusted JJ on her lap. 

“I’ve never been any good at it” 

“You’ve lived on your own since you were what - 14?”

Ellie shrugged, arms folded across her chest and Dina couldn’t look at her, she really couldn’t. She wanted to laugh, the pout on her face, the irritation at herself for not being able to do something and not to mention the smudge of flour on her shirt - it was all too much. 

“Well, I suppose now we know why you’re so damn skinny”

“M’not”

Dina raised her eyebrows. 

“O-kay” Dina drawled softly as she carefully put her son down on the ground and started to stand. 

“Dina…” Ellie’s eyes widened and she took a step closer, halted only by the raising of Dina’s hand. 

“It’s fine. _I’m_ fine” she insisted as she started to slowly, very slowly, make her way over to Ellie. It had been just over a week since the attack, and she was slowly starting to regain her strength. 

She honestly didn’t know what she would have done without Ellie who had rarely left her or JJ’s side other than to sleep or eat (both activities forced upon her by Dina’s stern words).

“What ab -”

Dina shook her head. “He’s fine. He’s in his pen” she smiled softly at her son who was trying to lift himself to his feet, little hand clutching the chair Dina had just vacated. “Hopefully he’ll be walking soon. Isn’t that right, my little goober?” she beamed down at the baby who was wobbling on his legs and soon enough was dropping back down to the carpeted floor. 

Ellie was watching silently, mesmerised by the sight of JJ. 

“Okay, let’s have a look” 

Ellie lifted her head as she realised Dina had made it to the kitchen worktop, forcing her gaze away from JJ. 

“Is it bad?” she asked with baited breath as Dina took in the sight of the pot pie Ellie had been attempting to prepare. 

“No it’s uh -” Dina’s brow furrowed and she shook her head before laughing. “You can take out a room full of infected but you can’t make pastry to save your life, can you?” she grinned happily up at the other woman. 

Ellie shrugged. “I tried”

Dina scoffed softly, her eyes landing on the wooden spoon. 

“What were you using this for?” she asked, lifting it up and holding it far enough away that it was as though she were offended by the utensil. 

“To mix it,” Ellie replied simply. 

“Oh Ellie”

“What?”

“You don’t _mix_ the dough” she laughed and attempted to salvage what Ellie had produced this far. “You knead it…” she explained, placing it out on the worktop. 

Ellie glanced away, embarrassed, her eyes landing on JJ. 

“I _knead_ you to do it for me” she muttered and she could practically hear Dina’s eyes roll.

“Come here” Dina whispered and patted the worktop beside her. 

Ellie sighed softly and moved to stand beside Dina. 

“Okay so you just -” she reached out and slowly began to knead the dough. 

Ellie was silent, but her eyes followed every movement of the other woman’s hands. 

“Okay go on -”

The way that Ellie’s brow furrowed and her nose scrunched at the suggestion made Dina’s heart skip. 

“Dina, I’m not -”

“Try? For me?”

If Dina genuinely realised the power she still held over Ellie she didn’t acknowledge it, just watched as the taller woman shifted and reached out for the dough. 

Dina watched silently for a few moments, the tiniest of smiles on her face. 

“You don’t need to be so rough with it, it’s not going to attack you” she teased and moved so that she was standing just behind Ellie, reaching out and covering Ellie’s larger hands with hers, gently guiding her movements. 

Ellie’s breath caught in her throat, her heart pounding in her chest and she stood stock still, letting Dina take control of her hands.

“Okay that’s uh - I think that’s probably okay now…” Dina whispered after a couple of minutes. Was it Ellie’s imagination or did Dina sound breathless? 

Ellie remained silent, looking down at the way Dina’s small hands were still on hers. She swallowed nervously and turned her own hands over, slowly tangling her fingers with Dina’s. 

She heard the other woman’s breath hitch. 

Slowly, gently she squeezed Dina’s hand, opened her mouth to speak -

A loud squeal broke the spell and both women quickly turned around, eyes wide with worry. 

JJ was beaming brightly at them. 

JJ was standing by himself. 

“Holy shit” Dina whispered. “Ellie get the -” she frantically nudged the other woman. “Get the camera -”

It took Ellie a moment to register Dina’s words but she stood up properly and looked around. 

“The table. It’s on the table” Dina muttered as she slowly approached her son. 

“Hey bud” she whispered. “What are you doing?”

Ellie’s heart fluttered wildly in her chest as she grabbed the camera and took a couple photos of the boy. Of the boy and his proud Mother. 

“Wow, you’re so clever JJ” Dina was beaming as she carefully lowered herself to the ground at the opposite side of JJ’s baby pen. “Come on, bud, can you walk to Mama?” she held out her arms and JJ gurgled happily, starting his unsteady approach. 

Ellie wasn’t sure her heart had ever felt so full. 

She watched as the boy slowly headed towards his Mother, managing a few steps before falling to the floor. His eyes widened a little in shock as he found himself back on the ground and then he was grinning again as he crawled towards Dina. 

“Oh yeah!” Dina grinned. “You made it” she proudly scooped him into her arms. “Mama’s so proud of her big boy” 

Ellie bit her lip and lay the camera back down on the table before walking over, crouching beside Dina and reaching out to ruffle JJ’s hair proudly. 

Dina lifted her head, her dark eyes meeting Ellie’s and they stared at each other. 

“He walked,” Dina whispered. 

“He walked” Ellie replied just as softly. 

Dina smiled wider, her eyes fell to Ellie’s lips and her mouth parted as if she were about to speak. 

_Knock._

_Knock._

_Knock._

The spell was broken once more. 

“It’s open!” Dina called out and Ellie pushed herself back to her feet just as Robin walked in. 

“Hey” Dina smiled at the sight of JJ’s Grandmother. 

The smile on the older woman’s face fell slightly at the sign of Ellie. 

“I just wanted to check how you were getting on,” she explained, looking between the two of them. “Have you eaten? I brought food” she didn’t wait for either of them to answer before she was walking to the kitchen. 

There was a pause as she took in the mess and Ellie and Dina’s eyes met, small smiles on their faces as they realised Robin was silently judging it. 

“Can you take him?” Dina whispered, gesturing to the baby still in her arms. 

“Yeah” Ellie nodded and carefully lifted JJ from his Mother’s lap. “I got you” she whispered, securing him on her hip and then holding her hand out to help Dina. 

“Thanks” the other woman whispered, eyes on Ellie’s as she slowly got up. Her fingers lingered before she began walking over to the kitchen.

“It’s a mess. I can clean it…” Ellie heard Robin offering. 

“Oh no. It’s fine, really” Dina was waving a hand at the mess. “We were making a pie” she chuckled nervously. “I promise it’s going to taste better than it looks”

Robin nodded. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Yeah. Yeah I’m good” Dina shrugged. “Still a little sore but I’m getting there” 

Robin was now stocking the fridge. 

“You didn’t have to do this…”

“I know”

“I can...well, I mean, Ellie’s been helping us out -” she explained and Ellie took a breath, gently bouncing JJ and trying to stay out of the way. 

“I didn’t know,” Robin replied softly. “It’s fine. More food is better than none”

“Yeah”

There was an awkward silence and Ellie felt Robin’s eyes on her before she looked back at Dina. 

“Are you and her -”

Dina shook her head. “No it’s -”

Ellie’s heart turned to ice. 

“She cares about JJ. It’s fine. It’s good for him” Dina insisted. 

Robin nodded. 

“Okay well, there’s food in the fridge if your -” she glanced at the mess. 

“Pie” Dina answered and Robin _almost_ laughed. 

“- your pie doesn’t work out” she finished. “And you know where I am if you need anything”

“Yeah. Thank you. So much” Dina smiled and rested against the kitchen counter. 

Robin smiled and gently squeezed her hand before crossing the room to Ellie and JJ. 

“You look after your Mommy” she whispered, gently pinching JJ’s cheek and kissing his head. 

And then her eyes lifted to meet Ellie’s and the younger woman froze. 

“Look after them” she practically whispered. “And be careful. Both of you”

Ellie nodded, watching silently as JJ’s grandmother said her goodbyes and walked back out of the house. 

She must have looked like she’d seen a ghost, still staring at the door as JJ tugged at her hair. 

“What did she say?” Dina asked softly. 

It took Ellie a moment before looking over at the other woman. 

“Oh uh -” she shook her head. “Nothing, just -”

Had it sounded like approval?

“Okay well get your ass back over here” Dina laughed softly. “And bring the chair, my broken body’s had enough excitement for one day”

Ellie swallowed and carefully put JJ back down in his pen, lifting the wooden chair Dina had been sat on earlier and carrying it over to the kitchen. 

“Thanks” she smiled gratefully as she let Ellie help her down into the chair. “Guess I’m not quite healed yet, huh?”

“You did have a whole building fall on you” Ellie shrugged. 

“It wasn’t a _whole_ building, Ellie” Dina rolled her eyes. 

“Totally was”

“You exaggerate”

“Do not”

“Oh okay. Well in that case I heard you flooded the ‘whole building’ with your tears…” Dina shrugged, looking up at Ellie from her seat, a tiny smile tugging at her lips as she let herself fall back into the easy banter with the woman she had been meant to share her life with. 

“Well, yeah, how else do you think we managed to get all the fallen debris off of you?” Ellie deadpanned. 

Dina laughed softly. 

It was a beautiful sound. 

“Okay. Tell me what I need to do now…” Ellie’s attention was back on the mess they had made of the kitchen. 

“Oh wow, you still want to try to make this?”

“Yeah. I’m going to prove I’m the pie fuckin’ master” she shrugged, grinning over at Dina who just rolled her eyes. 

“JJ, baby?” she called out to her son. “In case this pie kills me, know that Mama loves you”

“You’re such a dick” 

“You love it”

 _I love you_ , Ellie thought as she smiled down at the woman beside her, her heart filled with happiness and hope burning in her chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those not familiar with the phrase 'Wham, bam, thank you ma'am', please see the  
> [Urban dictionary](https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=wham%20bam%20thank%20you%20maam)
> 
> Classier sources are probably available. And there's definitely some more historical origin to the phrase. 
> 
> Let's just say Ellie picked it up off of Tommy. 
> 
> \---
> 
> Also thanks for reading and commenting, it really means a lot to know you guys are still enjoying this. 
> 
> Feel free to come hang out on [tumblr](https://moth-and-fern.tumblr.com/) where I mostly reblog Ellie x Dina content to my heart's content because it's cheaper than the therapy I need after this damn game! Those naughty dogs...


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An old friend returns to lend a helping hand.

_**Two and a half years earlier** _

_“Ellie?” she whispered into the darkness of the room, her body curled up against her girlfriend’s._

_“Mm?” The younger woman replied softly, her head turning to press soft kisses against her girlfriend’s shoulders, fingers dancing across a flat stomach._

_“Can I ask you a question?”_

_“Sure” Ellie replied softly._

_There was a pause, a hesitation between them, the only sound in the room was Ellie’s lips against the other girl’s neck._

_“Are you in love with Dina?”_

_Ellie tensed, her brow furrowing._

_“What the fuck, Cat?” she replied in half a whisper as she lifted her body slightly, her eyes frantically searching her girlfriends’._

_Cat sighed and shifted her body, her movements enough to force Ellie onto her side where she just stared at her._

_“Just answer the question” she pleaded, the most surprising part was perhaps the lack of anger in her tone._

_“No. What the fuck? I’m with you!” Ellie argued._

_Cat bit her lip and sat up, causing Ellie’s eyes to widen._

_“Why are you doing this?” Ellie pleaded as she shifted to sit up too._

_“I just needed to know”_

_“Needed to know what? There’s nothing to know” she argued exasperatedly._

_Cat offered a sad smile and swung her legs over the edge of the bed._

_Ellie moved quickly to get out of bed, crouching in front of the smaller woman, reaching out to cup her face between her hands._

_Cat smiled sadly, biting her lip as Ellie pressed kisses to her cheeks, her nose, trying to hold her attention._

_But she couldn’t meet the younger woman’s eyes, her mind was made up._

_“Ellie, stop” she whispered, gently pushing her away and standing up._

_Ellie swallowed nervously, slowly getting to her feet as she watched Cat pull on her jeans and search for her t-shirt._

_“Cat, please...”_

_The other woman shook her head, focusing on getting dressed._

_“I don’t understand. Have I done something wrong?” she pleaded, taking a step closer, worry evident in her tone._

_“No” she shook her head. “No it’s fine” Cat insisted as she pulled on her boots._

_“Well it doesn’t seem fucking fine” Anger was starting to lace Ellie’s tone now, the frustration building up inside her._

_“I’ve been trying to ignore it but - I can’t anymore, that’s all” Cat tried to explain._

_“Ignore what?”_

_“You” she sighed, “Dina”_

_Ellie frowned, clearly not understanding._

_“She’s my best friend,” she whispered._

_“I know”_

_“There’s nothing - do you think I’m cheating on you or something?” she questioned, folding her arms across her chest - a defense mechanism._

_“No, not physically at least”_

_“The fuck does that mean?!”_

_Cat sighed and fastened up her jacket, offering a small shrug. “I’ve seen how you look at her,” she explained._

_“I don’t look at her”_

_“Bullshit, Ellie” she whispered, still no malice in her tone._

_A silence fell over them as Cat finished gathering her things._

_“I can’t - I can’t do this anymore. That’s all”_

_“Cat, come on? Come back to bed, we can talk about it?” Ellie insisted, stepping closer to her girlfriend._

_“There’s nothing to talk about” Cat shrugged, stepping back._

_“She’s with Jesse”_

_Cat laughed softly causing more confusion for Ellie._

_“Ellie, you’re being dumb” she said affectionately. “Her being with Jesse doesn’t mean you’re not in love with her”_

_“I’m -“_

_Cat shook her head, her mind wouldn’t be changed on this._

_“I love you…” Ellie whispered brokenly, and her tone made Cat’s heart ache._

_She shook her head and took a step closer, reaching out to cup Ellie’s cheek._

_“I’m your first proper girlfriend, El” she reminded her. “It’s okay for it to not work out”_

_“But it **is** working out” Ellie argued. _

_Cat chuckled softly, thumb brushing Ellie’s cheek._

_“I’ve loved being with you” she admitted gently, brushing away a stray tear from the taller girl’s face._

_“Then why are you doing this?”_

_“Because I care about you. Because you mean too much to me for me to stand in the way of this any longer. It’s not fair on either of us” she tried to explain._

_Ellie just stared at her, sadness in her eyes. It broke Cat’s heart, Ellie would always be her friend._

_Her eyes searched Ellie’s and she leant in, brushing a soft kiss to the girl’s lips before pulling away and stepping closer to the door._

_“Just, Ellie - do yourself a favour and admit it already” she whispered. “You never know, she might be going through the same denial” she shrugged._

_Ellie just stared at her for a moment and then Cat was gone, quietly closing the door behind her._

_Ellie swallowed hard and dropped down to the ground, leaning back against her bed she pulled her knees up to her chest._

_So this was a break up?_

_Break ups fucking sucked._

_She angrily wiped her eyes and rested her head on her knees._

_But was Cat right?_

_Dina’s smile popped into her head and her heart skipped._

_She thought she’d loved Cat._

_Maybe she’d just loved what she’d had with Cat. The ease of it._

_Relationships sucked._

_Love sucked._

_“Fuck” she whispered into the darkness, her best friend’s smile still stuck in her head._

\---

“Okay, bud” Ellie smiled and reached down to pack everything into her backpack before swinging it back over her shoulders, her right hand tightly holding JJ’s. “What do you say we get back to your Mom?”

JJ squealed happily and Ellie took it as a yes, bending down and lifting the recently toddling toddler into her arms, carefully sitting him on her shoulders. 

JJ squealed again. 

“You like being high up, huh?” she laughed and started out of the small convenience store. “You know, your Dad was pretty tall,” she told the boy. “And I know your Mom is stupidly small, but I’m still holding out hope for you”

JJ laughed and clapped his hands together. 

“Yeah, yeah. You’re gonna be big and strong one day” she promised. “Hey, shall we get Mama a gift?” she asked, crouching down by the community garden and placing the boy back on the ground, her hand in his. 

“How about these ones?” she asked as she started picking a selection of the wildflowers with JJ. 

“Ellie?”

Her breath hitched and she looked up. 

“Cat…”

“Hey…” the older woman was leaning on the fence of the community garden smiling down at Ellie and it felt like barely anytime had passed. 

She stared at her ex girlfriend for perhaps a few minutes too long. 

“Are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost” Cat teased, her voice as soft and light as it always had been. 

“Yeah, I -” Ellie shook her head slightly and stood up, her hand still holding JJ’s so he didn’t run off. “Wow, hi. I wasn’t expecting this”

Cat smiled, perfect teeth as always. 

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t expecting _this_ ” she laughed softly, standing up properly so their eyes were level, and nodded down at JJ. 

“Oh yeah...uh...this is JJ” she explained, the little boy was reaching out for the flowers in front of him. 

“New patrol partner?” she asked with a smile.

“Ha, yeah” Ellie laughed and reached up to nervously rub her neck. “We start them pretty young these days” she joked. 

“Seems a feisty one” she commented as JJ started tugging on Ellie, trying to be let free. 

Ellie crouched down and let go of the boy’s hand. “Don’t go far, little spud” she warned him and JJ instantly started to slowly toddle across the grass. 

Cat smiled and opened the gate, joining Ellie and JJ in the garden. 

“When did you get back?” Ellie asked, looking at the other woman, she’d hardly changed. 

“Just a few days ago”

Ellie nodded. 

The two women watched the little boy for a few moments, before Cat bit her lip and reached out to gently squeeze Ellie’s arm. 

“I heard about Joel” 

_Ellie?! Ellie...help…_

She squeezed her eyes shut at the pain. Would she ever hear his name and not feel it? 

“I’m so sorry” she heard Cat saying before she was pulled into the woman’s embrace. 

Ellie’s chest was rising and falling heavily, the pain still so raw. 

She didn’t say anything. She couldn’t. 

She couldn’t breathe. 

She could vaguely feel Cat’s hand gently rubbing her back and then it was gone. 

“Oh no, we’ve got a runner” Cat chuckled and let go of Ellie, quickly scooping up JJ who was making a beeline for one of the greenhouses. 

Ellie let out a deep breath, her hand moving to her chest as she tried to regulate her breathing. 

How did it still affect her so badly? 

Cat noticed Ellie’s rather extreme reaction and reached out, gently squeezing her arm as she held JJ. 

“So, did you trade in your guns for working in the daycare?” she asked softly, “Or have I missed a hell of a lot over these last few years?” she raised her eyebrows, carefully handing JJ back over to Ellie. 

Ellie held him close, her breathing evening out again now. She pressed a kiss to the top of the child’s head, breathing in his scent and letting it calm her. 

“He uh - he’s Dina’s” she explained quietly. 

“ _Just_ Dina’s?” Cat raised an eyebrow and Ellie smiled shyly, shrugging.

“Ellie?” she pushed. “Are you - shit, are you a Mom?” she laughed softly, a little incredulous at this apparent change in her friend’s life.

Ellie shook her head quickly. “No I -” she hesitated. 

She had been. She’d been there when JJ was born, she’d held him whilst he cried, she’d promised to always be there for him and Dina. “We’re not -” she shrugged, not sure how to explain her relationship with Dina. 

“But you were, right?” Cat pried. 

Ellie swallowed and looked up at her ex. 

“Because I’m pretty sure when I broke up with you I was very insistent that you go and get your girl” she reminded her with a soft laugh. 

“It’s complicated”

“Hmm” 

Cat folded her arms across her chest and silence fell between the two of them. 

“Well, it suits you” she admitted after a few moments, nodding towards JJ. “You deserve to be happy, Ellie”

Ellie rolled her eyes at that, she clearly didn’t believe it. 

“Plus, this little guy seems to like you” she shrugged, watching the way that JJ clung to Ellie, a bright smile on his face. 

“This guy likes anyone” she smiled, JJ was a happy kid and she was so glad of it. 

“So if you and Dina aren’t together…” 

Ellie swallowed nervously, unsure where this was going.

“How come you’ve got the kid?”

“Oh” 

Okay, not that then. 

“Town was attacked a few weeks back,” Ellie explained. “Dina got hurt, so I’m just helping out”

Cat nodded. “She okay?”

“Will be”

She nodded once more. 

“Is that why you were picking flowers for your Mommy?” Cat smiled and gently squeezed JJ’s little hand. “Or was it so that your other Mommy can finally stop being stupid and admit how she feels?” she teased. 

Ellie rolled her eyes. 

“I promise you, that is _not_ the issue”

“No?” Cat smiled and crouched down, starting to pick a few more flowers. 

“No”

How many times had she tried to tell Dina how she felt in the last few months? But it was getting her nowhere. 

“Then what’s the problem?”

Ellie sighed. “If I knew that then there wouldn’t be a problem”

“You give yourself too much credit” Cat laughed, lifting her eyes to look up at the other woman. “You’re really kinda stupid when it comes to girls”

“M’not” Ellie huffed and adjusted JJ in her arms. 

“Oh come on, Ellie. I was flirting with you for months and you had no idea”

Ellie rolled her eyes. 

“I’m not even sure that you realised our first date was a date” she teased. 

“Don’t listen to the nasty lady, JJ” Ellie pressed a kiss to the baby’s head. 

Cat smiled and stood back up, taking the flowers Ellie had already gathered and adding a few more to the bunch.

“For Dina” she smiled and placed them back in Ellie’s hand, fingers lingering as she noticed Ellie’s new scars, her mutilation. 

But she didn’t comment. 

“Hey, I’m not gonna help you try to make a move on my girl…” Ellie laughed nervously.

Cat rolled her eyes. “Just tell her they’re from you, you idiot!”

Ellie just stared at the other woman for a few moments. 

“Okay, I better get going. I’m late for meeting my Mom” Cat explained as she reached out to tap JJ on the nose. 

“It was nice to meet you little man” she told the little boy with a bright smile on her face, which grew as JJ laughed at her actions. 

“And it was good to see you, Ellie” she smiled softly and squeezed Ellie’s arm. 

Ellie nodded, “Yeah. You too” and she meant it. Cat had been a good first girlfriend, but most of all she’d been a good friend. “Say hi to your Mom”

“Hi from my ex who now has a baby with someone else?” Cat teased and Ellie rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I will” she promised and opened the gate before pausing and turning back. “Hey, Ellie?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s the autumn dance at the town hall next week…”

Ellie’s brow furrowed slightly from confusion. 

“Cat, I…”

“Ask Dina, you idiot”

“Oh”

“Yeah” Cat grinned and lifted a hand to wave before disappearing around the corner, leaving Ellie standing silently with JJ in one arm, the flowers in the other. 

“You think Mama would like that, huh?” she asked the boy as she carefully lifted him onto her shoulders once more. “I think she’d prefer to go to a dance with her little man” she smiled and started the short walk back to Dina’s home. 

\---

“Hey goober!” Dina smiled brightly as she looked up from the shirt she was sewing. 

Ellie lifted JJ with a loud groan and placed him beside his Mom on the couch. “The little monster made me carry him all over town” 

“Oh did he?” Dina laughed softly. 

“Mm hm” she nodded and pulled off her backpack, sitting beside Dina on the edge of the couch. “Slave labour”

Dina smiled. “Hey what can I say, he thinks you’re a good horsey”

JJ giggled. 

“Yeah! You got your own horsey, huh?” she smiled and ruffled her son’s hair. 

“What have you been doing?” Ellie asked softly, looking at the pile of clothes. 

“Fixing up some of his clothes. He’s worse than you at wrecking them” 

Ellie chuckled softly and picked up the small elephant toy that was placed on the top of the pile. 

“Olly too, huh?” she asked as she turned the small toy over in her hand. 

“Olly too” Dina agreed with a nod, looking affectionately between Ellie and her son. 

“Owwy!” JJ squealed and Ellie laughed, placing the toy in his hands. 

“There you go, bud”

JJ squeezed the little elephant and then immediately started chewing on its ear. 

Ellie watched him quietly for a few moments, a soft smile on her face. The kid made her so damn happy. 

Dina went back to sewing up the shirt and for a few moments Ellie could let herself pretend that this was her life again. 

This easiness, this happiness.   
“Oh, uh. We got you something…” she suddenly remembered.

“I hope it was everything on my damn list” Dina teased. 

“Yeah yeah, you got your damn almonds woman!” Ellie huffed.

“Good” she glanced up from sewing just as Ellie pulled the flowers out of her backpack, Dina’s eyes widening a little. 

“Did you pick these, bud?” She asked JJ as she gently took them from Ellie, it was easier than looking at the other woman. 

“Eh, he supervised,” Ellie shrugged. 

Dina smiled softly, “Good skills, JJ” she said happily, carefully putting down her sewing kit and standing. 

Ellie rested her elbows on her knees and watched as Dina moved to the kitchen to find a vase, putting the flowers in before happily placing them in the middle of the dining table.

“Thank you” she whispered looking over at Ellie. 

“Sure” Ellie shrugged nonchalantly and it made Dina smile a little wider, knowing Ellie was embarrassed by her show of affection.

“So JJ’s going back to daycare next week…” she said softly as she sat back down on the couch. 

“Oh”

“It’ll be good for him to be around his friends”

“And you?” Ellie asked, glancing up at the other woman. 

“Maria’s found me a few easy jobs, to help ease me back into things”

Ellie nodded, “Okay. Good”

Dina smiled and bit her lip as she glanced at Ellie. 

“So uh - I guess you won’t need my help anymore then…”

“I really appreciate everything you’ve done, El” she whispered. 

“Yeah” Ellie nodded slightly, her eyes down on the floor as she worked her jaw. 

Dina fell silent, feeling the tension building in the air. 

“Okay well I think I’m going to try and get him down for a nap” she explained with a soft sigh as she stood up. “Do you want to stay for dinner?”

Ellie hesitated and looked up at Dina for a moment before shaking her head. 

“No it’s fine. I’ve gotta be up early anyway” 

And just like that it felt like the door was slamming shut on them again. 

Ellie stood, lifting JJ into her arms before carefully passing him to Dina. 

Their eyes met and they both hesitated before Ellie turned and picked up her backpack. 

“I’ll see you soon…”

It felt like a question. 

“Yeah” Dina smiled and watched as Ellie ruffled JJ’s hair. 

“Bye little spud” she smiled and squeezed his hand. 

JJ squealed happily and Ellie forced herself to walk to the door. 

She reached out for the door handle but hesitated before turning it. 

“Hey D…” 

“Hmm?”

She turned her head, one hand on the door handle, the other on the strap of her backpack, her heart pounding in her chest. 

“It’s the autumn festival next week…” she said nervously.

Dina bit her lip as she watched Ellie struggle over her next words. 

“Will you, I mean...do you wanna go with me…”

“Oh”

“It’s okay if it’s a stupid idea I just -” Ellie sighed and averted her eyes. 

“I don’t know, Ellie” Dina replied honestly, suddenly scared of what was happening here.

“It doesn’t have to mean anything,” she said quickly.

“No?” Dina raised an eyebrow.

“It’ll be nice to get out, right?” Ellie let go of the door now and shrugged her shoulders to adjust her backpack. “You could have a drink now you’re finally off the pain meds” she suggested. 

She could see Dina was considering it. 

“And JJ could go to his Grandparents…”

“Oh you’re trying to get my son out of the picture?” Dina teased. 

“What? No of course not -”

Dina laughed softly. 

“Okay”

“Okay?” Ellie’s eyes widened, a hint of hope in her voice. 

Dina nodded, holding JJ close. 

“Okay” she whispered, eyes not leaving Ellie’s. “I’ll go to the dance with you…”

Ellie bit her lip to stop the ear splitting grin that wanted to spread across her face. 

“Okay. Cool” she nodded, doing everything in her power to act nonchalant about this. 

“Cool” Dina agreed amusedly. 

“Right so, I’ll see you later then?”

Ellie looked up, the intensity and the happiness shining in her emerald eyes knocked the breath out of Dina, and all she could do was watch as the other woman walked out of her home.

And just like that, the door swung back open with possibilities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ellie is kinda stupid at times, right?
> 
> Also, thanks so much for reading and commenting as always. It's really appreciated! 
> 
> And if you're on [tumblr](https://moth-and-fern.tumblr.com/) hit me up!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Autumn festival time!

_There was a soft gasp as Dina shut the door behind her and switched on the light._

_“Ellie...what are you doing here?”_

_Ellie sat up from where she’d been laying on her best friend’s couch._

_“I was worried about you,” she admitted with a shrug._

_“Right.” Dina sighed and took off her coat, hanging it up and walking towards her kitchen._

_Ellie could hear her friend turning on the tap and busying herself around the kitchen, getting a drink. She waited patiently, sitting on the edge of the couch._

_“Why?”_

_Ellie lifted her head at Dina’s voice, watching her friend standing in the doorway with a glass of water in her hand._

_She shrugged and Dina just stared at her._

_“Just am”_

_“Ellie” there was annoyance in Dina’s tone and Ellie did not want to fight with her right now._

_“Ugh, fine” she huffed and stood up. “Jesse told me” she admitted._

_Dina rolled her eyes and walked over to her bed, sitting down and pulling off her boots. “Fuck Jesse” she muttered irritatedly._

_Ellie laughed softly and averted her eyes as she realised Dina was undressing. She glanced down at the ground and reached for her bicep, rubbing it awkwardly. She hated stuff like this, she had no idea what to say, and it definitely was not made easier when your (very beautiful) best friend was undressing just a few feet in front of you._

_It was quiet as Dina undressed, the only sound was the rustle of her clothes and Ellie’s awkward clearing of her throat. She glanced up to see if she was done and was awarded with the sight of a thin black bra strap, the soft skin of a freckled back. Ellie swallowed nervously and before she could look away Dina turned and caught her gaze._

_They stared at each other and Ellie felt like she’d been caught red handed. Dina looked unbothered, amused if anything._

_“So...are you okay?” she finally settled on when she’d caught her breath._

_“Yeah” Dina shrugged. “Can you…”_

_Ellie frowned in confusion until she realised what Dina was asking and her eyes widened slightly._

_“Uh...yeah…” she whispered weakly and stepped towards her best friend._

_“Thanks. My fingers are too fucking frozen” Dina explained._

_“It is pretty cold” Ellie agreed, lifting her hands and watching the way that they shook. With nervousness? Or anticipation?_

__What the fuck are you doing to me, Dina?_ _

_This girl would be the death of her._

_She took a breath and reached out, slowly unfastening Dina’s bra._

_The other girl shivered._

_“Sorry, your hands are just really warm”_

_“I’ve not been sitting by the gate freezing my ass off for hours” Ellie laughed nervously._

_“No” Dina agreed, “Remind me never to swap shifts when there’s a motherfucking blizzard on its way”_

_“Like you’d listen to me” Ellie huffed._

_Dina turned her head slightly and smiled, Ellie lifted her head and was entranced by the beauty of her best friend._

_“Uh -” she licked her lips and stepped away. “There you go…” Ellie smiled awkwardly and turned away._

_“Thanks” Dina responded and then she heard the sound of the bra drop to the floor, and damn did that do things to her._

_“So...you’re sure you’re okay?” she asked, trying to get back on topic._

_“Ellie, I ended it” Dina replied firmly as she climbed into bed._

_“Oh” Ellie was surprised to say the least. “...why?”_

_She turned back around and saw her friend burrowing under the covers._

_“Is it easier for you?” Dina asked after a few moments of silence._

_“Huh?” Ellie watched her friend confusedly, stuffing her hands into the frayed pouch of her worn hoodie._

_“Girls” Dina replied simply. “Like...are they easier to be with?”_

_“Oh. I dunno” Ellie shrugged and glanced down at the floor._

_Dina watched her quietly, which usually meant she was waiting for Ellie to elaborate._

_“I’ve never been with a guy so -” Ellie found herself shrugging again, a little embarrassedly._

_“They are infuriating. They don’t listen. They don’t want to talk about it” Dina huffed as she rolled onto her side, clutching the bed covers to her as she watched her best friend._

_Ellie laughed softly and nervously rubbed her neck._

_“Girls are worse then” she began, “It’s all just emotions and crying and fuck - maybe I should give guys a go?” Ellie joked and Dina laughed._

_She really really liked Dina’s laugh._

_“Come here” Dina whispered._

_“Huh?”_

_“Here” she sat up in bed and reached an arm out of her duvet to pat the space beside her, eyes fixed intensely on Ellie._

_The other girl hesitated slightly but then padded over to Dina’s bed. She kicked off her shoes and sat on the edge._

_“Hold me,” Dina instructed, her voice gentle._

_“What?”_

_Was Ellie dreaming?_

_“Ellie, stop it” Dina huffed. “You’re my best friend and I’ve just gone through a breakup. Hold me” she pleaded this time._

__You’re my best friend_ _

_That’s all she’d ever be, right?_

_Ellie swallowed nervously but shifted a little closer to Dina, awkwardly wrapping an arm around her._

_“That's the best you got?” Dina asked with a soft laugh, but it wasn’t teasing as usual. “No wonder you don’t have a girlfriend”. Okay maybe that one was._

_Dina shifted to lay back down and tugged Ellie with her._

_“Here” she lifted the covers and pulled Ellie under them, immediately nestling into the warmth of the taller girl._

_They lay there in silence for a few moments. Ellie’s heart was pounding so hard in her chest that she was sure Dina must be able to hear it._

_Ellie was scared to move, scared to do the wrong thing and feel like she was taking advantage. But she was in bed with Dina. Dina’s body was pressed against hers, and her mind was working over time._

_“Are you and Cat really over?” Dina whispered, cold fingers sliding across Ellie’s waist to hold her tighter, catching a slip of skin where her hoodie had lifted slightly._

_Ellie shivered._

_“Yeah. I think so” her voice was a whisper too._

_“I’m sorry”_

_“It’s okay”_

_“What happened?” Dina asked as she shifted even closer, moving her head to Ellie’s shoulder, eyes looking up at the other girl._

_Ellie shrugged._

_“Dunno. She said it wasn’t working” she said simply._

_It was probably best to leave out the whole ‘she thinks I’m in love with you’ situation._

_“Was it?”_

_“I thought so”_

_There was a rustle of the bedding as Dina shifted, her hand laying flat against Ellie’s stomach._

_She wasn’t sure she could breathe. Did Dina have any idea what she did to her?_

_Because apparently Cat did._

_“What did you see in her?” her best friend whispered and Ellie shrugged once more, she couldn’t focus on putting words into sentences._

_“Is it that perfectly straight hair?”_

_Ellie laughed lightly._

_“Cause we can’t all have that you know”_

__Your hair is perfect_ she thought to herself. _

_There was a pause and Ellie realised Dina was waiting for her to say something._

_“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “She’s cool I guess”_

_“Is it the tattoos?”_

_“Maybe” Ellie smiled and turned her head enough that her eyes met Dina’s._

_“Was she your first girlfriend?”_

_“I guess”_

_“You guess?” Dina laughed this time, rolling her eyes and slapping Ellie’s stomach gently._

_“There was someone. A long time ago” Ellie admitted, her eyes lifting to stare at the ceiling now._

_Dina hesitated before continuing, “Tell me about her?” she asked gently._

_Ellie sighed. It had been a long time since she had thought about her. Her only memory now was the Firefly pendant that she had hidden away in the box beneath her bed. Her only memories of Boston._

_“She was called Riley and she was my best friend,” she explained quietly._

_“Your best friend?” Dina asked interestedly, hope shooting through her body as she watched Ellie._

_“Yeah”_

_“What happened?” Dina pressed._

_Ellie sighed and shifted slightly in the bed, removing her arm from around Dina. The girl moved with her, her slight body pressing against Ellie’s side._

_“Fuck” she whispered gently, it hurt to remember. “She uh - she was bitten” she whispered._

_Dina bit her lip and immediately pressed closer, nuzzling into Ellie’s neck._

_Ellie lay silently, reaching out beneath the covers to gently massage her own, disguised, bite mark._

_“I’m so sorry” Dina whispered, lips dropping a gentle kiss to Ellie’s shoulder._

_A silence fell between them and Ellie let out a soft breath before deciding to be brave for once. Riley had been brave. So brave. She reached out and wrapped her arm around Dina once more. The smaller girl instantly pressed closer and Ellie found the confidence to slide her hand into Dina’s hair. It was as soft as she’d imagined._

_Dina sighed happily and Ellie’s heart swelled._

_“What do you see in Jesse?” she whispered._

_“Oh wow!” Dina chuckled lightly and nudged Ellie, “He’s your friend too…”_

_“Yeah but I’m not attracted to him” she smiled, turning her head to watch Dina who shrugged at her words._

_Ellie sighed, assuming she wasn’t going to get an answer._

_“I don’t know” Dina finally whispered, “He’s sweet, and kind. Loyal”_

_Ellie couldn’t exactly deny that._

_“Yeah” she nodded and lay her head back, staring up at the ceiling._

_“Will you get the light?” Dina whispered._

_Ellie hesitated, wondering whether she should get out of bed, let Dina sleep in peace._

_Dina read her mind. “You’re staying the night”_

_“I am?” Ellie asked, surprised._

_“Mmhmm, unless you want me to die from hypothermia?”_

_“Eh, there’s worse ways to go” Ellie shrugged, reaching up and turning off the lamp beside Dina’s bed._

_Dina pressed even closer in the dark._

_“You’re so fucking warm” she muttered. “If I’d known I’d have made you sleep with me before”_

_Ellie’s throat ran dry and she stayed silent._

_“Now do your job and keep me warm whilst I sleep” she whispered closing her eyes and clutching Ellie close._

_"Yes, ma'am..." she whispered as she felt her best friend drift off in her arms._

_Her best friend who also happened to be the woman she was falling hopelessly in love with._

\---

“Hey…”

Ellie lifted her head at the feel of the hand squeezing her arm, turning to face Cat, a soft smile on her face and a glass of whisky in her hand as she leant against the bar. 

“Hey” she replied softly. 

“You look nice” 

Ellie turned her head into her shoulder for a moment before shaking her head slightly. A nervous habit.

“You do” Cat insisted, taking the glass from Ellie’s hand and downing it. She took a moment to let the liquor burn her throat before she placed the glass down on the bar, leaning over the worn wooden surface and grabbing the bottle to refill two glasses. 

“You never made this much effort for me” she chided. 

“That’s not true” Ellie huffed, folding her arms across her chest. 

“Totally is,” Cat laughed and offered Ellie a glass. She reluctantly took it. “You used to wear those tatty old band t-shirts” she grinned up at the taller girl. 

“Yeah. Bands you liked” she pointed out. 

“Oh you were trying to impress me?” her eyebrows rose. 

Ellie shrugged. 

“It’s cute when you’re embarrassed” she smiled and took a sip of her drink, watching the way Ellie gulped hers down in one. A small frown crossed her face and she reached out, taking the glass from Ellie’s hand. “Alright, how much have you drank tonight?” 

Ellie shrugged once more. 

“Ellie?”

“A lot” she shrugged and glared at the ground, her hands moving to grip the bar behind her. 

“You’re nervous” 

It wasn’t a question. 

And she didn’t get an answer. 

“She is coming, right?”

Ellie sighed. “Fuck, I don’t know” she muttered. 

“She said she would?”

“Yeah but - what does that mean?”

“Dina’s not -” Cat sighed, she didn’t know the other woman as well as Ellie did of course, but she had still known her for quite a number of years. “She can be a terrible flirt” Cat teased. “But she’s loyal. She’s a good person” she shrugged. “She wouldn’t say she was going to come if she doesn’t intend to”

“Yeah, I guess”

“You really love her?” Cat asked quietly as she leant back against the bar too. 

Ellie worked her jaw, nodded her head slightly and glanced at Cat with those deeply emotional eyes that she possessed. 

“Love ain’t easy, right?” Cat shrugged and pulled out a cigarette, lighting it. She took a drag and then offered it to Ellie who shook her head. 

Cat hesitated, lifting the smoke back to her lips, her eyes scanning the crowded dance floor. 

“Look, Ellie, I don’t know what you’ve done to upset her but if you truly love her then you fight for her, right?” 

Ellie remained silent, eyes staring ahead of her. 

“You don’t just give in because it got difficult” she sighed. “She was your best friend first, remember” she nudged Ellie gently. “If she doesn’t fall into your arms just because you put on a clean shirt that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to. Focus on being her best friend again. Make her remember why she fell in love with you in the first place”

“Yeah but the clean shirt will help, right?” Ellie joked. 

“I don’t know, she’s dated guys in the past. Maybe she likes week old clothes and stale sweat” Cat teased.

A silence fell between them then, filled only by the music and chatter around them. 

“You’re such an asshole” 

“Takes one to know one” Cat grinned and nudged Ellie once more, making the other girl finally look at her with a bright smile. 

“That’s more like it,” she grinned. “I mean, dark and brooding might have worked for Joel, but a smile works better for you”

Ellie rolled her eyes and shook her head. 

“You’re the worst”

“Yes. Yes I am” she agreed, taking another drag of the cigarette. 

Ellie watched her for a few moments, just taking in her every feature. She had missed Cat. The older woman had been a good friend, and had helped her through a lot when she was younger. 

“You gonna stick around this time?” Ellie asked softly. 

“I don’t know yet,” Cat shrugged. “I mean, I miss my Mom but -” she gestured out to the rest of the room. “This small town life, it’s not me. I mean, every so often is fine. But how many of these damn dances do they host?”

“Enough to warrant offering line dance lessons” Ellie laughed, folding her arms across her chest and leaning back, but in a much more relaxed way this time. 

“Hey, don’t laugh, that’ll be you and Dina one day”

“Pfft”

“Totally will. Once you become that boring old married couple you’ll be desperate to get out for a night and do something exhilarating” she teased and Ellie rolled her eyes. 

“Thankfully JJ would get in the way of any night’s out”

Cat shook her head. “Not if I stick around, he can hang with me” Ellie raised her eyebrows and looked at the other woman. “That baby is damn cute” she grinned and Ellie nodded. 

“Yeah. Yeah he is”

She smiled sadly at the thought of the little boy, turning her attention to watch some of the older couples dancing together. It was nice, she thought, how in love they looked even after so many years. 

“Okay Romeo, you’re up” 

“Huh?”

Cat nodded towards the entrance where Dina had just walked in. 

Her eyes were searching the room, looking for Ellie and when they found her it knocked the breath out of her. 

“Hey, good luck” Cat smiled from beside her, gently squeezing her arm and excusing herself to talk with a group of her other friends. 

“Hi…” Ellie whispered breathlessly as Dina approached.

“Hi” she smiled softly, eyes searching Ellie’s. 

“I didn’t think you’d come…” Ellie admitted, pressing herself away from the bar so that she was at her full height.

Dina shrugged, “I said I would”

Ellie nodded, she felt a bit of deja vu, except it was a role reversal of last time. 

“Want a drink?”

“Sure”

Dina was nervous, and whilst that probably should have given Ellie hope it actually made her even more nervous. In the past Dina took control in these situations, Dina was the confident one and Ellie easily went along with it.

But tonight wasn’t going to be like that. 

Ellie thought about Cat’s words. If she really loved this girl then she had to fight for her. 

She gave herself a moment to compose her thoughts as she poured Dina out a drink and handed it over. The brush of Dina’s fingers to hers sent a shiver through her spine. 

“Thanks”

Ellie smiled gently and grabbed her own glass. 

“How’s JJ?” she asked, leaning back against the bar trying to act casual. 

“Yeah he’s -” Dina smiled and took a sip. “He’s good”

Ellie nodded. 

“Really finding his feet now”

Ellie smiled and glanced towards Dina. “Yeah, I bet” her heart swelled at the memory of JJ’s first steps. 

“Might need to employ you to chase him around town more often” Dina teased softly. 

Ellie’s eyes widened a little as she watched Dina, who was staring out at the couples on the dancefloor. 

“I never - I never thanked you for that, by the way” she whispered, pressing her lips together and looking up at Ellie. 

“Oh” Ellie bit her lip and reached up to nervously rub her neck. “You don’t - it’s fine” she shrugged her shoulders heavily. 

“He’s lucky to have you”

Ellie laughed softly, reaching up to rub her forehead, quite clearly feeling embarrassed by all of this. “He doesn’t really have me though does he…”

Dina hesitated and took a sip of her drink. 

“I don’t know. You’d do anything for him” she glanced sideways at Ellie, trying to catch her expressions. She knew it was true. She’d seen how fiercely Ellie could love, and she had seen that in the way she loved her son. 

“Yeah” she shrugged simply, of course she would. She loved JJ. 

“It’s just that his Mother is stupidly protective and doesn’t know what’s good for her son…” she whispered, causing Ellie to frown slightly, looking towards Dina interestedly. Where was this going?

She opened her mouth to speak but Dina continued. 

“I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry that I’ve been keeping JJ from you” 

Ellie didn’t know what to say, so she just stared at her ex. 

“You’re his Mom too” Dina whispered, biting her lip nervously. 

Ellie’s heart skipped a beat. Two. Her eyes widened slightly. 

“I - Uh” Dina sighed and turned her body slightly so she was looking at Ellie. “It’s okay if you don’t want to be that anymore” she corrected quickly. There was something shining in her eyes that looked a lot like worry. “I know that things are - difficult between us” she continued and Ellie just stared, chest rising and falling heavily. “And well, he’s young enough that he never has to remember you as that...if that’s what you’d prefer” Dina was rambling now. “It’s just - he deserves the world” Dina whispered, she lifted her eyes to meet Ellie and then quickly looked away from the intensity in them. “And I know that you’d give him that…”

Ellie was honestly shocked.

“Ellie...can you say something?” she begged when the other woman gave her no response.

“Do you wanna dance?” she asked suddenly, finishing her whisky and slamming the glass down on the bar before turning to Dina. 

Dina’s eyes searched Ellie’s for a moment, clearly expecting something else. “I’m not sure that’s the best idea”

“What? You came all the way here to turn me down for a dance?” she huffed, but there was a teasing smile on her lips and a spark in her eye that Dina wasn’t sure she’d seen since before Seattle. “Come on, Dina. Even you’re not _that_ mean”

Dina rolled her eyes. 

But when Ellie held out her hand she lifted her eyes to meet the other woman’s, let out a heavy breath and placed her hand in Ellie’s.

Ellie smiled softly before gently tugging Dina through the crowd and onto the dancefloor. 

The first time that they had done this Ellie had been hyper aware of everyone around them. This time there was only Dina. 

She smiled gently as she placed Dina’s hands on her shoulders, her own moving to the shorter girl’s waist. She hesitated slightly but when Dina wrapped her arms around her neck Ellie took it as approval to step a little closer, her hold on the woman tightening slightly. 

Her eyes were on Dina the entire time, there was no awkward glancing away to see what people were thinking, there was no one but the woman in her arms. 

“Feels kinda weird huh?” she whispered as they slowly sway together as if it were a couple years ago. 

“Yeah” Dina agreed, she couldn’t quite hold Ellie’s gaze. 

“Good weird though, right?” Ellie asked, a hopeful hint to her tone. 

Dina bit her lip, glanced over Ellie’s shoulder and stayed silent for a moment. 

“I see Cat’s back…”

Ellie’s brow furrowed slightly, confusion writ across her expression. 

“Yeah” she shrugged. 

“You and her were talking” Did Dina’s tone sound accusatory? 

“Yeah, we’re friends,” Ellie explained. 

“I bet you’re glad she’s home?”

Ellie shrugged, tried to tug Dina closer but the other girl resisted. 

“I don’t - I don’t wanna talk about this Dina” she whispered gently. 

“Why not?”

“Because tonight’s about us”

Dina sighed. 

“But there isn’t an us, is there?” she whispered brokenly. 

“There is to me”

“It hurt me so much when you left”

“I know”

“No, Ellie. You don’t” Dina squeezed her eyes shut against the pain. 

“So tell me…”

Dina opened her eyes, letting them search Ellie’s for a few moments. 

“I thought we’d put everything behind us. We had a home together, we were a family. I thought we were happy -”

“We were”

“Clearly not”

Ellie sighed softly. 

“You saw what it did to me, I barely slept. I couldn’t even talk about him,” She had been a mess, trying to hide it behind the love she had for her family. “It was eating away at me, and I was so scared of hurting you or JJ”

Dina shook her head sadly. 

“You wouldn’t have”

“You don’t know that”

“I know you, Ellie”

Ellie sighed sadly and tugged Dina closer. This time she didn’t protest. 

“It hurt so much, Ellie. I lost everything that day because you couldn’t let your need for revenge go” Dina whispered gently, her head resting in the crook of Ellie’s neck now. 

Ellie closed her eyes against the pain and just let herself enjoy the feel of Dina in her arms. 

“I’m sorry”

“I am so so glad that you’re back,” Dina whispered, her breath tickling Ellie’s neck. “You have no idea how worried I was,” she admitted softly. “But I can’t - things can’t just go back to how they were. You know that, right?”

“I guess”

“I don’t know if I trust you that way anymore”

Ellie could feel her heart breaking. 

“But at the same time I want you to be in my life”

Ellie stayed quiet, if she closed her eyes and her mind she could just let herself imagine that this was her and Dina happy together once more. 

“But then you’re hanging out with Cat and I’m terrified that I’m being a fool for thinking there could still be something between us” Dina admitted, a hint of jealousy in her tone. 

“You think there’s a chance for us?” Ellie’s eyes widened, shocked by the suggestion.

“It’s stupid isn’t it? You made your choice when you left” Dina sounded frustrated by herself. 

Ellie bit her lip, she wasn’t sure what to say. She stayed silent, enjoying the feel of Dina in her arms and letting herself believe that there really was a chance for them. Even if it was a little way into the future and not immediate. 

“Of course I want to be his Mom” she whispered after a few moments of silence between them, referring back to the question she hadn’t been able to answer before.

She felt Dina tense in her arms, she wasn’t sure if that was good or not. 

“It’s just, that’s not all I want to be”

“Ellie…”

“I want to be your best friend again” she lifted her head as Dina did the same, the two women staring at one another. 

“Oh” Dina whispered. 

“I wanna earn your trust again, prove to you that it’s worth taking another chance”

“That sounds nice,” Dina admitted, clearly surprised by Ellie’s words and the maturity in them. 

Ellie nodded and bit her lip, her eyes dropping to Dina’s lips. She so desperately wanted to lean in, it had been so long since she had had the woman she loved in her arms, had Dina looking at her this way, but she knew now wasn’t the moment. 

She couldn’t afford to mess this up any further. 

“I’m going to fight for this, Dina” Ellie whispered sincerely, her lips brushing Dina’s forehead as they continued to sway together. 

“Hasn’t there been enough fighting…” Dina sighed. 

“I’m fighting for you and JJ. For our family” she whispered. “That’s a fight I’ll never run from”

She felt Dina sigh softly before she shifted in Ellie’s arms, her head coming to rest against the taller woman’s chest. 

If she could feel the way Ellie’s heart pounded in her chest she didn’t mention it. 

They were going to be okay. Ellie was sure of it. 

She knew this was no quick fix, but Dina had offered hope tonight and she would grab it with both hands (missing fingers be damned). And for now she would simply enjoy this long overdue happiness at having the love of her life in her arms, even if it were only as friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter felt like it took forever to write! It was important to me that I got the tone right, there's still a lot of distrust from Dina who is scared to offer her heart back to someone who broke it so easily the last time. 
> 
> So I know this probably wasn't quite what people hoped for, but they are getting there I promise. One step at a time, and this was a pretty big step for them. 
> 
> Thanks for reading as always! And thanks so much to everyone that's commented, it really means a lot. I'm going to try reply to you all tomorrow but now I need to sleep!
> 
> I'd love to chat to some of you over on [Tumblr](https://moth-and-fern.tumblr.com/), so just come hit me up if you fancy it.
> 
> Hopefully the next update will come a little quicker <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Outbreak Day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel very meh about this chapter. It's meant to hurt, a lot, and maybe it's just because I'm so tired that I'm not feeling the emotional impact - I hope so anyway! 
> 
> As always thanks for all your lovely comments, kudos and of course for just reading! It means a lot. I hope you enjoy this next instalment <3

_**About 3 years ago**_

_Today had been good. She’d spent the entire day with Jesse and Dina, they’d hiked up into the mountains, before coming back to town and spending the evening around the lake._

_She’d had fun. She’d been able to just pretend she was a normal kid - or adult now she supposed._

_Either way it had been a great day, even if it had been slightly tainted by the fact that her crush was with someone else._

_But now she was home again, sitting on her couch with her guitar pulled over her lap, slowly playing the notes of a new song she’d been working on._

_She didn’t hear the sound of the door opening, as she continued to strum the guitar._

_“Hey, Ellie?”_

_She looked up at the gruff voice, surprised to see Joel there._

_In fact it had been a long time since he had come to her door for anything beyond berating her for being late for a patrol shift._

_Quietly she placed the guitar down, but didn’t look at him and didn’t make an attempt to speak to him._

_She had told him they were done, and she had meant it._

_So why the hell was he here?_

_The silence between them thickened the tension in the air until eventually Joel sheepishly approached her._

_“I uh - I got you somethin’ “_

_Ellie lifted her eyes and watched him cautiousl, eyes widening slightly as she saw the guitar he was carrying. A guitar which he then placed in her arms._

_“Happy birthday, kiddo…” he whispered, stepping back._

_Ellie bit her lip, her brow furrowing as she looked down at the guitar in her arms, gripping it lightly._

_“I know you already got one” Joel awkwardly scratched his beard. “But sometimes it’s nice to have a second. My old man gave me a new guitar for my 18th birthday too” he shrugged. “You could tune this one different and then -”_

_She gripped the guitar and looked up at him in disbelief, shaking her head slightly._

_“I can’t take this”_

_“Why not?”_

_Ellie laughed humorlessly and shook her head once more._

_“Look, I know you ain’t too happy with me right now. And you got every right to be mad -”_

_“I’m not even sure I’m mad at you” Ellie whispered._

_“No?”_

_“I’m just - I’m fucking disappointed” she admitted._

_Joel stayed silent, glancing down at the ground._

_“My whole life. I’ve been surrounded by bad people. And I thought you were fucking different”_

_“There ain't no such thing as good or bad, Ellie. This ain’t one of your comic books”_

_She let out a shaky breath and looked down at the guitar in her hands._

_He had made it with his own hands, she could tell. He’d even added a rocket on the fretboard, where the moth lay on her other guitar. It made her heart ache._

_“My life could’ve fucking mattered, Joel” She needed him to understand how she felt about what he’d done. About what he had taken away from her._

_“Ellie” there was a sternness to his tone now, one he rarely used with her since they had arrived in Jackson. It reminded her of just how grumpy he used to be when they were travelling together. “I’ve had enough of you wanting to be a martyr, your life does matter!” his voice rose as he spoke, surprising her a little._

_Ellie let out a shaky breath and refused to look at him._

_“I know - I know you ain’t gonna forgive me jus’ yet. And you can’t understand why I did the things I did” Joel sighed heavily, his eyes closing as he wrestled with the pain of all this. “And maybe one day you’ll have a kid of your own, maybe then you’ll understand”_

_Ellie huffed and looked away._

_She wouldn’t be having any kids._

_“You’re not my daughter” she muttered softly, her eyes staring at the coffee table littered with comic books. “And I sure as hell ain’t your Dad”_

_She lifted her head as she finished speaking and she could see how the reminder of those words hurt him. He took a breath, his eyes falling shut for a moment._

_“People say things they don’t always mean” he tried to reason._

_Ellie looked away from him again, she couldn’t do this._

_Joel watched her for a few more moments, his heart aching, but Ellie was stubborn as a mule. She wasn’t gonna budge._

_“Righ’” he muttered softly, letting out a soft sigh and turning towards the door._

_“Joel?” he froze, hand on the door knob, turning to look at her._

_Ellie stood from the couch, the guitar clutched in one hand._

_Hope flared in his chest._

_She slowly padded across the room towards him, and he was sure he’d forgotten how to breathe. And then, just as he’d convinced himself that this was good she handed the guitar back to him._

_His heart broke._

_He stared at her for a few moments but she was already looking away._

_“G’night, kiddo” he whispered, letting out a shaky breath before leaving her home, the guitar clutched back in his hand._

\---

Ellie woke suddenly.

Her hand flew to her chest as she tried to regulate her breathing. 

His face. 

The forlorn expression on his face when she’d handed him the guitar back. 

And then - 

His broken face. Battered and bruised.

His eye barely opened as he stared at her for one last time. 

“Fuck” she whispered through a heavy breath, sitting up in bed and pulling her knees to her chest. 

It had been a while since this had happened. 

Ellie buried her head in her knees, trying to focus on steady breaths. 

She missed him so much. 

Ellie let out a heavy sigh, laying her head back against the wall, her eyes closed.

She needed this to stop. She didn’t know how long she could go on this way. 

She grabbed her left hand in her right, squeezing the damaged fingers, trying to will away the phantom pain and the pain of his ghost lingering over her. 

\---

By the time she had composed herself and gotten dressed the winter sun was starting to peek through the clouds, but the town was still eerily quiet. 

Ellie pulled her jacket, _his_ jacket, tighter around her as she strode with a purpose towards the stables, taking one of the horses and heading out to the gates.

“Mornin’ Ellie” came the gruff voice of Paul, one of the first people she remembered meeting in Jackson all those years ago. 

“Hey” she replied softly.

“Where ya goin’?”

“Just - out” she shrugged. 

He frowned slightly and looked towards his shift partner, a man she didn’t recognise. 

“There ain’t no patrols today, Ellie. You know that”

She shrugged. “Yeah, I just - was gonna go hunting”

“There’s a storm coming, Ellie”

Ellie sighed and adjusted her rifle strap. 

“Not gonna be out late”

“You know you don’t have to do anything. Not today, right?”

Ellie forced a smile. “Yeah, I know. I want to”

Paul hesitated before giving his partner a nod, watching as the other man opened the gates. 

“Just be careful, yeah?”

“Sure” she nodded, eyes looking ahead of her as she guided the horse out of the gate and away from the town. 

\---

Ellie hopped down from the horse as she reached her destination and tied the reins to a nearby tree. 

“I won’t be long, girl” she muttered, gently stroking the horse’s neck a couple of times before starting her walk uphill.

It had been a while since she’d been out here, back before everything, her and Tommy would make the trip at least once a month. Most times Joel would join. She had taken those days for granted back then. 

She lifted the rifle from her back and loaded it as she approached the lookout spot. 

“Where are you, you fuckers?” She muttered as she raised the rifle, looked through the scope towards the centre of the abandoned town. Slowly she scanned the area for any sight of Infected, disappointment welling inside her at the lack of targets. 

“Fuck it” she muttered and aimed the rifle on an abandoned car, firing off a shot, the sound reverberating around the clearing. 

Yet there was still no sign of Infected. 

Frustrated, Ellie began firing off more rounds into the car. The way the bullets pierced the metal, the cry ringing out through the surroundings was cathartic to her broken heart. 

She hated this day. 

She hated how Jackson became a ghost town. How everyone disappeared into their homes to be with their families. 

She hated how people looked at her when she’d asked who could help her bake a cake in their first year in Jackson. 

And now she hated the memory of his smile when she’d presented the pathetic attempt at a cake that Dina had helped her to bake. 

Ellie kept on firing rounds, reloading as quick as she possibly could, desperate for her pain and anger to subside. Yet somehow every single ring of a bullet hitting it’s target just left her more agitated, more angry. 

And still there was no Infected. 

Until - 

A shrill scream made Ellie jump and she immediately lowered the rifle to turn around. 

It all happened so fast, a Clicker speeding towards her. The rifle was knocked from her hands and she was tackled to the ground. She hit the floor hard, the impact winding her, and she raised her arms instinctively to shield herself from the teeth and the fungus-clad claws. 

“Motherfucker!” Ellie grunted as she struggled under the weight and the desperation of the Clicker. It had her pinned down but she channelled every bit of strength to kick at it. She was so glad she’d worn boots today. 

The kicks gave her a second of relief in which she grabbed the knife from her back pocket, only to have her wrist grabbed and pressed back down to the ground. Her eyes were wide as she stared up at the creature. It didn’t matter how many times she saw one, it was horrific to imagine that this was once a man. Or woman. 

“Fuck” she groaned as she desperately tried to kick, tried to release her arm, but to no avail. 

In her desperation she jerked her neck and headbutted her attacker with so much force it left her head spinning. But it gave her that sliver of opportunity to flip open the switchblade and drive the knife into the creature’s neck. Once. Twice. Three times. 

“You fucker” she punctuated the final blow. 

And as the Clicker fell lifeless atop of her Ellie collapsed back onto the ground. The force of her head colliding with the heavily armoured fungus leaving her unconscious. 

\---

_**Over six years ago** _

_She had tried not to scream. She really had._

_She’d stolen one of Joel’s belts to bite down on as she’d done it. It hadn’t been enough to drown out the cries of pain._

_Cries that had brought him running, bursting through the door of her cabin._

_“Ellie!?” The concern was plain to hear in his tone and see in the look on his face._

_He rushed to her side, dropping to his knees in front of where she sat on her couch, tears streaming down her face, her eyes closed against the pain._

_Joel’s eyes frantically searched the area surrounding her - the bottles of chemicals, the belt, the angry red skin of her arm._

_“Oh, baby girl” he whispered brokenly. “What have you done?”_

_He reached out for her and thought better of it, quickly standing._

_And somehow that hurt Ellie more._

_He was disgusted at her. And it hurt so much more than she could have imagined._

_She vaguely heard the running of the tap across the room but she couldn’t focus because of the searing pain in her arm, the smell of burning skin filling her nose and burning her throat._

_Suddenly the couch dipped and Joel was sitting beside her._

_“Okay, I got you baby girl” he whispered as he gently lay her arm across his lap. “This is gonna be mighty painful” he muttered as he gently began to dab a wet cloth against her skin._

_He was right, it hurt, but the coldness of the water was soothing too._

_“What were you thinkin’?” he asked as he dipped the cloth into a bowl of cold water and applied it to her skin again, careful not to press too hard._

_“You said I had to hide it” she whispered brokenly._

_“I didn’t mean like this” his voice broke._

_Once he was satisfied that the chemical residue was washed away he began to carefully wrap her arm._

_“People were starting to ask about it. The bandage”_

_“What people?”_

_“Other kids” she managed to whisper. “They said it was weird”_

_“Oh Ellie” his voice was so soft, it made her heart ache._

_“It don’t matter what those other kids say,” he promised, carefully moving her arm to her own lap and then gently tugging her into his embrace._

_She was trying so hard not to cry but the loving embrace of someone who actually fucking cared about her was too much and the tears fell, her small body beginning to shake with sobs._

_“I got you baby girl” he promised, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, cradling her to him as she sobbed._

_She didn’t know how long she sat there, weeping in his arms._

_But when she woke the next morning she was laying on the couch, pillow beneath her head, blanket pulled over her and Joel sat on the floor, his back against the couch snoring lightly._

_He had stayed with her._

_She wasn’t alone anymore._

_Someone cared._

__

\---

Ellie groaned. 

She felt like she had taken a sledgehammer to the head. 

She grimaced and gritted her teeth, slowly opening her eyes to investigate why her chest felt so heavy. 

“Shit” she instinctively pushed the Clicker off of her and crawled backwards, eyes wide.

“Oh. Fuck” she breathed out, chest rising and falling heavily as she took in the sight of the motionless body just ahead of her. 

Carefully she reached up and held her hand to her chest, counting to ten in her head as she slowly breathed out, trying to calm herself once more, as everything came back to her. 

The rifle. 

The attack.

Her head. 

The chemical burn. 

Fuck. 

Quickly she stumbled to her feet and checked out her body for signs of bites, smoothing her hands over the blood staining her skin. Memories of jagged teeth marks oozing blood, so many years ago now. 

She let out a breath of relief as she realised she was clean and wiped her bloody hands on the knees of her jeans. 

“Oh man” she pinched the bridge of her nose, body still swaying from the pain in her head. 

She had been foolish today. 

Reckless, stupid, inconsiderate. 

She could practically hear the annoyance in his gruff tone, the worry on his face, the way he would scold her if he were still here. 

Yet, if he were still here she wouldn’t be out here alone today. 

“Okay, Ellie” she groaned and bent to pick up her rifle, unable to resist a kick to the fallen Clicker. 

“Fucker” she muttered before slinging the rifle back over her shoulder and starting back down the pathway. 

“Back to Jackson” she whispered as if trying to convince herself she could make it, tugging her jacket tighter around her as the wind started to pick up. A storm was coming. 

\---

_”Tommy...she -” Maria sighed, her arm looped around her husband’s, her eyes set on the lanky teenage girl standing just ahead. “I think we should ask if she wants to come stay with us?”_

_Tommy nodded._

_“It’s not right for her to be on her own right now” Maria continued._

_“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll speak t’her”_

_She smiled sadly and let go of him, watching as he stepped towards Ellie._

_“Hey, kid…” Tommy whispered as his hand gently reached out for her shoulder._

_Ellie remained silent, her eyes staring down at the ground where they had just buried his brother. Her arms were folded tightly across her chest, and he could see that she was biting her lip so hard to stop herself from crying that she’d broken the skin._

_“Maria and I -” he sighed softly, he wasn’t so good with this sort of stuff. “We thought maybe it would be best if you come stay with us, at least for a couple days?”_

_He felt Ellie’s body tense and she shook her head slowly._

_“M’fine” she whispered, glancing up at him before back at the grave as if she felt guilty to look away from it for even a second._

_“Yeah, I know” he hesitated, gently squeezing her shoulder. She was tough. “But you don’t need to do this alone, Ellie” he insisted. “We’re your family too”_

_She squeezed her eyes shut as a tear fell and his heart broke for her._

_“Come on, just a couple days. I don’t like the thought of you all alone right now”_

_Ellie shook her head. She wanted to be alone, she didn’t want to cry around people._

_“Ellie…” Tommy sighed and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, holding her close as he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. Joel wouldn’t want her to be alone._

_“Hey…”_

_Tommy looked up at the other voice, offering the smallest of smiles to Dina._

_“It’s okay, Tommy, I’ve got this” she whispered, gently rubbing Tommy’s arm. She knew he was in pain too, she didn’t want him to feel responsible for Ellie, not when she could help out there._

_Slowly Tommy stepped back, watching as Dina gently tugged at Ellie’s arms, getting her to unfold them before wrapping her in a tight embrace. Ellie’s head fell to Dina’s shoulder, her arms loosely sliding around the other girl’s waist, her body starting to shake with the sobs she let out._

_Dina gently rubbed her back, held her close, held her together._

_“You’re gonna come stay with me for a few days, okay?” It was clear she wasn’t about to take no as an answer. “Don’t want you on your own” she whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of Ellie’s head._

_Dina lifted her head and met Tommy’s eyes, offering her the smallest of smiles._

_“She’ll be okay” she promised him, reaching out and squeezing his hand. “You go and be with Maria”_

_Tommy nodded, smiling sadly back at Dina. “You know where we are if -”_

_Dina nodded. “Yeah”_

_Tommy sighed softly and Dina released Ellie, instead taking her hand. “Come on, let's get you someplace warm…”_

_“Not yet” Ellie whispered brokenly and it made Dina’s heart ache._

_The taller girl let go of her hand and moved closer to the grave, crouching down beside it._

_Dina, along with the rest of the town, looked on as Ellie carefully reached out, fingers tracing the words freshly carved into the stone._

_Joel Miller._

_Tears fell from Ellie’s eyes, and Dina’s too._

_Joel was gone, and with him he’d taken a piece of Ellie._

_A piece Dina was afraid they could never get back._

\---

The weather had been slowly worsening all day, a storm building up as if to reflect the mood in town on this particular day. 

Dina had always found it a strange day. She understood the sombreness of the occasion, the time people took to grieve, but having not been alive some 27 years ago it didn’t _quite_ have the same effect on her. 

Jesse’s parents on the other hand had been alive when the outbreak had happened, and spent this day, every single year, mourning the lives and the loved ones they had lost. 

Like Dina, Jesse had found it a little hard to be around them on this day. He had felt awkward, had felt terrible for not being able to properly mourn people he hadn’t known - such as his grandparents. But this year Jesse was one of those they were mourning too, he might not have been taken from them directly by the cordyceps but rather the world it had created. 

And so, out of respect, Dina had spent most of the day at her son’s grandparents’ home. 

But the entire day there had been a storm brewing in her heart. 

She knew that for Ellie today wasn’t only Outbreak Day, but it was Joel’s birthday. 

She remembered fondly that first year that Ellie had been in Jackson, how she had begged for Dina’s help because she’d wanted to bake Joel a cake. Honestly, it hadn’t been the best but by the sounds of things he’d appreciated the gesture. 

Ellie had told her enough about Joel’s past to understand he had also lost his daughter during the first hours of the outbreak. It was understandable he wouldn’t want to celebrate his birthday, or dwell on the memory of that day so many years ago, but they’d stayed up late into the night playing guitar together and eating so much cake that Ellie had still felt sick the next morning. 

Ellie. 

She couldn’t get the woman out of her head. 

Where was she right now? Was she okay? 

Ellie didn’t deal great with emotions, especially painful ones. She lashed out, and whilst that had been what had driven the two apart Dina couldn’t help but worry about her friend. 

Because that’s what they were now, right?

Dina had been so nervous about the dance, and Ellie’s intentions, but she hadn’t been able to stop herself from attending, from hearing Ellie out. And honestly, it had warmed her heart to hear Ellie say she wanted to be her best friend again, and to be JJ’s Mom. 

Those were the important things. And if they could work on those things, make it really work, then maybe one day there was still a chance for them to be more. 

Ellie had walked her home afterwards, had kissed her cheek, fingers lingering as they squeezed her hand in goodbye - and now, weeks later, Dina could still feel the flush of her skin at the memory. 

Ellie had tried so hard that night to make Dina comfortable, to show that she could be there for her as a friend and as a Mother to JJ. And now there was this nagging feeling in Dina’s head, that she needed to do the same, she needed to be there for Ellie right now. 

And so, after asking Robin if she could have JJ for a few hours, she pulled on a warm jacket and headed out into the night. 

\---

Dina made the short walk to Ellie’s house only to find it empty and dark. 

Ellie was not home. And hadn’t been for quite some time. 

Dina turned and glanced up at the bigger house behind her, the house that likely no one had stepped into for a few years now. 

Ellie wasn’t there either, she could tell.

“Please tell me you haven’t done something stupid” she whispered to herself, tugging her coat tighter as the storm battered everything that dared to stand in its way.

She walked through the town, to the one other place that she could imagine Ellie being today. 

And sure enough -

“Ellie?”

Dina hesitantly walked down the pathway of the graveyard, towards the figure hunched on the ground beside _his_ grave. 

“Ellie…” she called out again, but still she got no response.

The sight before Dina broke her heart. The strongest woman she knew looked like that lost child all over again. She was sat on the wet ground, soaked head to toe, with her back resting against the side of the headstone. Her knees were brought up to her chest, her head buried in them. 

“Hey…” Dina whispered as she crouched down beside her, her hand tentatively reaching out to cover Ellie’s knee, the rain had soaked through the denim of her jeans, she must have been freezing. “I thought I might find you out here” she continued just as softly. 

Ellie made no move to respond, or to acknowledge Dina’s presence, but she did feel, and hear, her body shake with a sob that broke her heart in two. 

Dina bit her lip and moved closer, her arm sliding around the other woman, tugging her close and resting her chin on top of Ellie’s bowed head. 

“I just wanted to talk to him” 

Dina’s eyes squeezed shut, tears welling in her own eyes at just how fragile Ellie’s voice was. 

“I know” she whispered, gently rubbing Ellie’s back. 

“It still hurts so fucking much. Still feels so raw”

“I know, babe” she whispered and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

Ellie let out another sob and tightened her arms around her knees. 

“Come on Ellie, it’s freezing out here, and this storm’s only going to get worse” she tried to reason with her friend. “Let me take you home?”

Ellie didn't move.

“I thought it’d get easier”

“It will”

“I don’t think so” she sniffed and shook her head. 

Dina sighed softly and continued to rub her back for a few moments. 

“I thought the same when I lost my sister. But in the end - we have to keep going”

“I don’t think I’m strong enough” her voice was so brittle, so timid, this wasn’t the Ellie she knew. 

“You’re the strongest person I know” Dina whispered, “But you’re not immune to hypothermia. Now come on, don’t make me drag your ass home” 

Dina wasn’t taking no for an answer. She removed her arm from around Ellie and stood up, offering her hand to the other woman. 

“Come on, do you know how pissed he would be if he knew I was letting you sit out in this weather?” she reached down and took Ellie’s hand tugging her. Relief filled Dina’s chest as Ellie gave in and got to her feet, her cold hand clutched in Dina’s gloved one. 

The smaller woman smiled softly and began to lead her friend out of the graveyard. 

She had no idea how long Ellie had been sitting there, but she looked frozen, her whole body was shivering and she was soaked head to toe from the icy cold rain. 

\---

When they reached the small converted garage Ellie tried to take her keys out of her pocket but her hands were so cold she could barely grip them. 

“It’s okay. I’ve got it” Dina smiled softly and took the keys from Ellie’s hand, unlocking the door and ushering her inside. 

“Okay, get those wet clothes off” she instructed as she flicked on the light and let her own coat fall to the floor with a thud before immediately turning towards the woodburner in the corner, getting it lit to try and bring some warmth to the small home. 

“Ellie” she said sternly as she saw the other woman had made no effort to undress and instead just stood in the middle of the room shivering. “Come on…” Dina whispered sadly as she stepped forward and unzipped Ellie’s jacket, carefully pushing it off of her shoulders. 

“You should take a bath, or a shower, anything to warm up”

Ellie shook her head, cold fingers reaching for the hem of her drenched hoodie. 

“It’s okay, I’ve got it” Dina promised, “Arms up” she instructed and Ellie did as she was asked as Dina gripped the bottom of the dark fabric, slowly pulling it off of the taller woman’s body, along with the t-shirt beneath. 

Maybe it should have been weird to be undressing her ex right now. But there was nothing remotely sexual about it. This was a necessity, to get Ellie warm again. It was an act filled with love, but not the same way it had been in the past. 

She smiled sadly at Ellie, the other girl’s eyes looked haunted, her body shivering as she stared down at the concrete floor of her home. “You think you can get your jeans off?” she asked, gently brushing her thumb across Ellie’s cheek. 

Dina hesitated a moment, but when Ellie’s fingers reached for her waistband Dina smiled and made her way to the small bathroom, finding the fluffiest towel that she could. 

“At least you actually wore boots instead of those canvas sneakers today” she teased, trying to lighten the mood a little, stepping around Ellie with the towel. As she carefully wrapped it around the other woman’s body she couldn’t help but notice the fresh cuts and bruises on her torso, her back and as her eyes travelled she found angry red marks around her arms as if someone had grabbed her and in the faint light of the room she saw a vicious bruise on Ellie’s forehead. 

“Oh Ellie” she whispered as she wrapped the towel around her and tried to warm her, “What happened?” she asked, Dina’s arms wrapping around the taller girl, holding her close. 

Ellie’s eyes fell shut, her head falling to Dina’s shoulder and just let her best friend hold her. 

They stayed like that for a few minutes, each lost in the feel of the other back in their arms. But then Ellie shivered and it broke Dina out of her daze, reminding her what was happening. 

“Okay, we need to get you warm” she whispered as she carefully removed her arms from around Ellie and stepped away to find fresh clothes for her to put on. “This place is a mess, El” she chided, glad to find that Ellie at least still kept things in the same place. 

She pulled out a pair of flannel pyjama pants, ones she didn’t think she’d seen Ellie wear since they were kids having sleepovers, and an old henley. 

“Put these on, I’ll make some tea” she pressed the clothes into Ellie’s arms, letting her eyes linger on the other woman’s beautifully broken face, before striding to the kitchen area. 

She could hear a shuffle in the background that told her Ellie was doing as she was told, which was something Dina supposed. But she didn’t like how quiet Ellie was being, it scared her actually, it reminded her too much of the hours and the days after losing _him_. 

And it reminded her of Seattle. Of the state Ellie had been in after the things she had done. 

God she hoped Ellie hadn’t done anything stupid today. 

When Dina turned around she was glad to see that Ellie had retreated to the couch, her knees pulled up to her chest once more. 

“Here you go” she carefully maneuvered the comic books out of the way to put down the two mugs of hot tea. “Still reading these, huh?” she teased and she thought she saw Ellie smile, just slightly. “I’m pretty sure JJ’s baby books have bigger sentences in them” she joked and sat down beside Ellie, perhaps a little closer than she would have in normal circumstances.

“So...do you want to talk about it?” she asked as she sipped from her mug, watching Ellie out of the corner of her eye. 

Ellie shrugged. 

Was it strange to be comforted by the return of Ellie’s moody teenager phase? She may no longer be a teenager, but it was at least a side of Ellie that Dina was familiar with. 

“Is it just a bad day because of...well because of what day it is?”

Ellie shrugged once more and Dina reached out, forcing the other mug into Ellie’s hands. “If you’re not going to drink it at least let it warm you” she insisted and then rolled her eyes. “God I sound like my Mom”

She heard Ellie sigh softly beside her and turned her head to see the other woman slowly stretching out, sitting back against the couch and letting her legs lay across the coffee table, the tea clutched in her hands.

She looked miserable.

“Ellie…” she whispered, angling her body slightly to face Ellie, tucking her legs beneath her. “He’d want you to be happy...”

She couldn’t keep doing this. Letting herself get lost in her pain. 

Ellie shrugs. “I’m not”

Dina sighed softly, placing her own mug on the coffee table before shifting closer. She reached out, placing her hand gently on Ellie’s arm and pressed her lips to the girl’s shoulder. 

“You will be” she whispered, forehead resting against Ellie’s arm.

She had missed their strength wrapped around her, keeping her safe. 

“Are you?”

Ellie’s words jolted Dina out of her memory, her eyes opening, though she made no effort to move. 

“Happy? Sometimes, yeah” she nodded. “Other times I’m not,” she admitted with a shrug, heart skipping as she felt Ellie shift beside her, the other woman’s head coming to rest atop Dina’s. 

Quiet fell over them, interrupted only by the soft crackling of the wood in the burner. Dina took the time to think over her next words, to think over how brutally honest she was prepared to be whilst Ellie was in such a fragile emotional state. 

But at the same time she didn’t know the next time that she’d feel so comfortable being honest about her feelings in front of her ex. 

“Sometimes I lay awake at night hating how alone I feel, wondering what might have happened if things were different” she admitted in what was essentially a whisper.

“You mean if I’d stayed?” the self-loathing in Ellie’s tone shattering yet another piece of her heart. 

“If you’d stayed. If we’d never gone to Seattle. If they were still here” Dina sighed and lifted her head from Ellie’s shoulder. “We can’t change the past, no matter how much we might wish otherwise” And Dina wished she could. 

Ellie didn’t reply and Dina sat quietly. Letting the weight of their words linger between them for a few moments longer. 

“Okay” she finally spoke and pushed herself to her feet. “You need to get some rest, you look like shit”

She could practically feel Ellie roll her eyes and it made her smile. “Thanks” the taller girl muttered as she slowly got to her feet. 

“Are you going to tell me what happened to your face?” Dina asked, arms folding across her chest as she watched the way Ellie slowly padded over to her bed. 

The other woman frowned slightly as she tried to understand what Dina was talking about and then her hand lifted to the angry bruise. 

“Fucking Clicker” she huffed. 

“Clicker?” Dina raised her eyebrows, gently pushing Ellie to sit on the edge of the bed. 

“Yeah, it ambushed me” she explained, gently rubbing her now throbbing head. 

“Ambushed you where?”

“Oh” Ellie realised she’d only really told half the story. “Went up to the old lookout, just needed to vent some frustration I guess” she tried to explain. “Wasn’t very smart about it, motherfucker jumped me”

Dina frowned, not liking the idea of Ellie going all the way out there on her own. Especially in a storm. 

“Caught me off guard” she explained. “Pinned me down so I -” Ellie shrugged, looked up at Dina. “I headbutted it”

Dina laughed. 

She laughed loudly and happily, in a way she hadn’t in years. 

“You headbutted a fucking Clicker??” she demanded, shaking her head, unable to get rid of the smile on her face. 

Ellie shrugged, in that nonchalant way and it made Dina’s heart burst with happiness. This ridiculous, amazing woman. This woman who was scared only of hurting those she loved, and not of the horrors of the Infected, who had headbutted a damn Clicker and thought very little of it. 

“You’re an idiot” she grinned, crossing the room and opening the drawer where she knew Ellie kept medical supplies. 

“Dina -” Ellie called out but it was too late. 

She opened the drawer and found it filled with pages ripped out of Ellie’s journal. Pages on which the other woman had sketched drawing upon drawing of her, of JJ. Her heart was pounding in her chest, fingers tracing the shape of her own form, of her son’s bright and happy face. Of the words above and below the imagery, Ellie’s inner thoughts. 

She swallowed, feeling the tension thick in the air. 

“Hey...you uh -” she pulled one of the pages out, a sketch of Joel sat on his porch playing guitar. “He has eyes again…” she whispered, holding up the page and showing it to Ellie, a proud smile on her face. “Ellie, that's progress” she smiled. 

“Yeah” Ellie shrugged but wouldn’t look her in the eyes, clearly embarrassed that Dina had found how many times she had drawn her and JJ. 

Dina bit her lip and returned to the drawer, grabbing the packet of painkillers and refusing to look at the other drawings as she quickly closed the drawer behind her and walked over to Ellie. 

“Take two of these” she insisted, placing them in Ellie’s hand before reaching up to extract a pin from the board above Ellie’s bed, fastening the sketch of Joel onto it. 

“There” she smiled softly, “He’d be pretty pissed to know you’d locked him away in a drawer, asshole” she teased and sat down on the edge of the bed beside Ellie. 

“You really do look like shit” she pointed out and Ellie rolled her eyes. “I mean, who headbutts a Clicker?” she laughed, “I’m surprised you don’t have fungal imprints”

“Shut up. What was I supposed to do? Let it tear my fucking throat out?”

Dina smiled brightly. No. She wouldn’t shut up. This was the happiest she’d felt in a long time, this felt normal. 

“Get into bed” she argued, standing up and pulling back the covers. 

Ellie groaned frustratedly but did as she was told, slowly rolling towards the other side of the bed. Dina hesitated a moment before kicking off her boots and climbing onto the bed too, laying on her side facing Ellie. 

“What are you doing?”

Dina bit her lip, staring at her friend, letting her whispered question mull over in her mind for a few moments as she looked for the right way to respond. 

“You might turn…” she shrugged. 

“Dina, I’m immune”

“Yeah, to bites and spores, but you headbutted it”

Ellie rolled her eyes at Dina’s refusal to be serious. 

“You might have a concussion” she whispered instead. 

This time Ellie bit her lip, green eyes searching the warmth of Dina’s dark ones. 

“What about JJ?”

“He’s with his Grandparents”

Ellie nodded, glanced away and then back at Dina. 

“You don’t hav -”

“I want to”

Dina reached out, tangling her fingers with Ellie’s. 

Ellie’s heart stuttered. 

“I worry about you,” she admitted. 

“You don’t have to,” Ellie insisted. 

“I know”

The two women lay quietly, listening to the pounding of the rain on the roof and the crackling of wood in the burner. 

Ellie’s eyes dropped to Dina’s lips, letting herself wonder what if. 

“You should get some sleep” Dina whispered, breaking that particular spell. 

“I don’t sleep”

Her heart ached. 

“I know how hard it must be. And I know how much you miss him, but Ellie, he would want you to be happy” she tried to reason. 

“I know. I just - don’t know how to be” she admitted honestly and it took every bit of strength in Dina not to reach out for her. 

“You’ll figure it out. I promise” she smiled softly, thumb brushing gently over Ellie’s injured hand. 

“I’m so sorry that this happened to you…” she whispered, looking down at the stubs that had once been Ellie’s fingers. 

Ellie tried to withdraw her hand but Dina tightened her hold. 

“You know it doesn’t make you any less, right?”

Ellie sighed, averted her eyes. 

“Neither does the PTSD” she whispered. 

Ellie stayed quiet, tugging her hand out of Dina’s grasp and rolled onto her back. 

“That never should have been enough to take you away from me, Ellie” Dina shifted closer, eyes focused on the other woman. “It’s just a part of you. I know it’s horrible, I know how bad it makes you feel, but it’s important that you know it makes you human” she urged Ellie to understand. “Some of the things you did in Seattle, it terrified me, but the way you reacted, the way it hurt you shows me that you’re still Ellie. You’re still human”

Ellie squeezed her eyes shut, not knowing how to react. 

“Please don’t let it define you. Don’t think it makes you less. Because in a lot of ways it makes you more” she whispered, reaching out for Ellie’s hand once more.

Silence fell between them once more and it was clear to Dina that Ellie wasn’t willing to have this conversation and so she relented. 

“Get some sleep. I’ll be right here” she promised, laying quietly as she watched the woman she still loved drift off into a peaceful sleep. And she couldn’t help but wonder how long it had been since she had managed that. 

In fact, how long had it been since Dina had slept peacefully?

As she began to think about it her eyes got heavy and she slowly drifted off too, her body pressed lightly against Ellie’s, her fingers tangled in the other woman’s, just the way they were meant to be.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie wakes alone.

When Ellie woke the next morning it was to the smell of fresh coffee and the feel of a pounding headache. 

She groaned softly, wondering had she gotten wasted last night?

No.

Dina. 

Dina had been here. Dina had held her, had brought her home. Had fallen asleep beside her. 

She stirred slightly, reaching out across the mattress only to find it empty. 

But it wasn’t cold. 

Her eyes shot open, hoping to find Dina standing in her kitchen, or sitting on her couch, or anywhere in her home. 

She wasn’t. 

Ellie sighed softly and sat up, rubbing her eyes with the heel of her hand. The space beside her was still warm, which meant Dina hadn’t been gone for long. Somehow that piece of information made her heart swell. 

She’d stayed the night by her side. 

Swinging her legs over the side of the bed Ellie pushed herself to her feet and slowly padded over to the kitchen to investigate the smell. 

What she found there was some freshly brewed coffee, painkillers and a note. 

She grabbed the note immediately. 

_El. Sorry I won’t be here when you wake, I had to rush back to JJ. I know the pain still haunts you, but you’re a good person and you deserve to be happy, Ellie. He’d want you to be happy. Why don’t you come by in the morning? See what you mean to ~~JJ~~ your son. _

__

__

_D x_

Hope blossomed in her chest, the pain in her head forgotten as she stared down at those words. A lone tear fell, smudging the ink and Ellie quickly wiped her eyes on the back of her sleeve before pouring a mug of coffee and moving to the couch.

She sat down on the edge, placing the coffee mug on the table and holding the note in front of her, her finger carefully tracing Dina’s words. 

Dina wanted to see her again.

She wanted her to see JJ.

—-

Despite her eagerness to head to Dina’s to see JJ - to see _her son_ \- Ellie knew she ought to make an effort for once in a long while. And so she finished the coffee, took the painkillers and dragged herself into the shower. 

About an hour after waking up she was trudging through the fallen autumn leaves towards Dina’s home, a slight spring in her step. 

“Hey” Dina greeted as she opened the door with JJ on her hip, a tiredness in her eyes as she stepped aside to let Ellie in. 

“Hey” Ellie responded nervously, walking inside the small home. 

“Here” And then JJ was in her arms, all toothy smiles and reaching hands. 

“Hi spud” Ellie couldn’t help the smile on her face as she gently shifted her hold on him so that she felt more secure. “I missed you”

“Have you eaten?” Dina asked as she headed towards the kitchen, but she didn’t give Ellie the chance to respond. “Of course you haven’t” she replied to herself and turned on the stove. 

Ellie slowly followed her into the kitchen, JJ happily babbling in her arms. 

“Mama” he called out when he saw Dina. 

“Hi handsome” Dina turned around and kissed the top of her son’s head and it made Ellie’s heart swell with love for the both of them. “Mama’s making breakfast, you already had yours you greedy goober” she teased as JJ reached for her face, a happy smile on his. 

Dina ran her fingers through her son’s thick hair before turning back to the stove. 

“Coffee was good…” Ellie muttered weakly, trying to look for the right thing to say. Dina nodded and started filling the pan with all sorts of delicious food that made Ellie’s mouth water. “Remember when we used to think it tasted like burnt shit?” she laughed gently. 

“Yeah” Dina replied with a soft laugh of her own, “But that was before we had a baby and fully appreciated it’s powers of revival” she grinned, turning her head to look at Ellie. 

Her beauty, her happiness, it made Ellie’s heart burst with joy. 

“Yeah. I guess Joel was really onto something, huh?”

Dina hummed in agreement.

Ellie bit her lip, a little afraid to become annoying to Dina and so turned her attention to JJ. 

“Hey bud, you wanna show me your new toys?” she asked. 

“You can’t miss them, they’re strewn all over the living room!” Dina called as Ellie and JJ headed out of the kitchen in search of the toys to entertain the boy. 

Ellie chuckled softly, “I think your Mom is blaming you for the mess” she teased, crouching down on the rug and placing JJ down carefully. 

“Damn right she is!” Dina called from the kitchen. 

She glanced over her shoulder and watched happily as Ellie chatted with JJ, picking up his wooden car toys and playing with them. 

It made her heart swell with happiness to see them together, to see how much they meant to one another. And when Ellie started making imitations of crashes and explosions she furrowed her brow and moved to lean against the kitchen door frame, interest piqued. 

“What’s with all the noise?” she asked with a soft chuckle, arms folded across her chest. 

Ellie looked up with a bright smile on her face, one Dina hadn’t seen in a long time. “I’m just reenacting the car chase in Seattle” she explained with a shrug. “Showing him how bad of a driver his Dad was” she teased and Dina laughed gently at the thought of Jesse. 

He would have loved his son with all his heart. 

And it meant so much to Dina to know that Ellie had taken on that love for JJ in Jesse’s absence. 

“You know, your driving isn’t much better”

Ellie rolled her eyes and reached out, gently covering JJ’s ears. “Don’t listen, buddy. Your Mom’s a backseat driver” she huffed. 

“Yeah. Literally. Because your stubborn ass wouldn’t let me drive” 

“D, we wanted to make it home _alive_ ”

Dina scoffed but there was a happiness in her eyes that told the tale of the love she felt for these two. 

“Whatever, Ellie” she rolled her eyes good naturedly and returned to the kitchen just as JJ grabbed one of his cars and smashed it into the other. 

“Oh wow, you picked up the terrible driver gene, huh?” she heard Ellie teasing and she let out a happy sigh. 

This was going to work. They were going to fix it. They _had_ to. 

\---

Breakfast went by without a hitch. 

JJ sat happily in his chair, chewing on a piece of bread that Dina had given him and Ellie was back to that starving kid that Dina remembered from so many years ago. 

“El, you’re acting as though you haven’t eaten in weeks” she laughed as she watched Ellie fill her plate yet again. 

Ellie shrugged, looked up at Dina across the table with a tiny smile. “Missed your cooking” she explained simply and somehow those three words made Dina’s heart soar. 

“You know if you put your mind to it you could cook something at least edible, right?”

Ellie laughed softly and shrugged. “I get by”

Dina rolled her eyes and Ellie continued eating. 

“How’s your head?” 

“Bit sore, yeah” Ellie admitted after chewing a mouthful of food. 

“You’re such an idiot, you know”

“So you keep telling me”

Dina smiled and finished her breakfast, getting out of her seat to clean JJ’s face of mushed up bread. “You know JJ, your Mom is so silly that she headbutted a Clicker” she told the little boy, a bright smile on her face. 

“Mama” JJ beamed. 

“Yeah, baby. Your Mama” 

Ellie bit her lip gently as she watched the two of them, her heart skipping a couple beats as Dina referred to her as JJ’s Mom. Did she know what that meant to her? To be slowly but surely let back into their lives this way.

“Hopefully you won’t inherit her stupid” she teased. 

“Pfft” Ellie scoffed and stood up, starting to clear the table. “I’m the only hope that kid has, with those damn genes he’s stuck with” she teased. 

Dina rolled her eyes but she couldn’t get rid of the smile on her face and the pounding of her heart. 

“Hey…” Ellie called from the kitchen where she was stacking the dishes in the sink. “You know you can just admit it, right?”

“Admit what?” she asked with a raised eyebrow, lifting JJ into her arms and slowly walking towards the kitchen. 

“That you find it kinda hot” Ellie shrugged, turning to face Dina, leaning lightly against the kitchen worktop. 

“Find what hot?” Dina played dumb, small smile desperately trying to break out across her face. 

“Uh, that I headbutted a Clicker” Ellie replied as it it were obvious.

Dina laughed, stepping closer to Ellie. 

“What exactly is hot about that?” she asked, eyebrow raising as she got nearer. 

Ellie swallowed, her throat going dry as she stared at the other woman, trying to remember what speech was. “Uh well it’s y’know...badass…” she offered, her eyes dropping to Dina’s lips and then quickly back to her eyes. 

A mistake. 

Dina bit her lip, clearly enjoying the way she was affecting Ellie with her proximity. 

“El…” she whispered, dark eyes searching green. “It could’ve given you a concussion. I had to stay up all night to make sure you didn’t die” she pointed out. “That’s not badass. It’s stupid”

“Oh”

Ellie’s heart dropped a little. 

“I do, however…” Dina continued before placing JJ unceremoniously into Ellie’s arms. “Find a person willing to brave changing my son’s diaper _extremely_ badass” she grinned and nudged Ellie out of the way so she could wash their plates. 

Ellie’s brow furrowed and she stared at Dina for a moment, realisation dawning on her. 

“You totally fucking played me”

“Hm. You fall for it so easily” she smirked. “Now go on, he stinks. And _you_ said you wanted to be his Mom”

“I hate you”

“I’m aware”

Ellie watched Dina for a second longer, a tiny smile playing at the corner of her lips, and then JJ decided to start patting her shoulder, reminding her of his presence. 

“Alright, kid. Time to prove just how much I love you, I guess!” she smiled and carried him back through to the living room and his changing mat. 

\---

The next few hours were some of the best Ellie ever remembered having. 

Things possibly should have been awkward. But they weren’t. 

They had spent the afternoon simply hanging out, entertaining JJ between them and enjoying each other’s company. Ellie was also sure there was some flirting involved, but she didn’t want to overthink it, didn’t want to get her hopes up in case Dina hadn’t meant anything by the words she’d said, or the way in which she had been looking at Ellie. 

Eventually Dina had excused herself to get some chores done, stating that she wanted Ellie to be able to have time with JJ on her own too. 

She appreciated it, she really did. 

But that didn’t mean she didn’t miss Dina’s scent beside her, or Dina’s smile as she watched Ellie and JJ laughing together. 

Currently Dina was upstairs collecting laundry and Ellie was sitting with her back against the bottom of the couch, JJ in her lap and a baby guitar in her other arm - one of those brightly coloured plastic toys where each large button made some other ridiculous noise. 

“Gotta start somewhere, huh?” she smiled as she held it out and JJ slammed his fists down on the buttons, laughing happily at the noises. 

“Wow, bud, I think you might be tone deaf like your Mama” 

“Excuse me, I heard that!” Dina called as she walked down the stairs, laundry basket tucked under her arm. 

“Doesn’t mean you can hear the difference between an A Minor and an A Major” she teased. 

“I’ll give you _‘A Major’_ ass-kicking in a minute”

“Oh wow” Ellie deadpanned, a happy smile on her face as JJ’s hands covered hers on the guitar. “That was uh - that was bad” she lifted her head just in time to receive Dina’s eye roll.

“Not all of us can spend our days reading comics and pun books, you know” she muttered as she headed into the kitchen to prepare more washing.

Ellie turned her attention back to the baby - toddler now - smiling softly as he carried on pressing the guitar buttons enjoying the noise that came from it. 

“Oh yeah, you’re a natural JJ” she laughed softly and bent down to press a kiss to the top of his head, just as the boy decided he was bored of playing with this particular toy and started to squirm in Ellie’s arms. 

Carefully she let go of him, watching him crawl across the rug to his stack of other toys. Ellie smiled softly and sat back, happily observing her son and his happiness. 

“Hey…” Dina’s soft voice caught Ellie by surprise and she looked up to find the other woman standing beside her, offering a glass of water. 

“Oh. Thanks” she smiled and took it, trying to ignore the spark she felt at the brief touch of Dina’s fingers. 

“You’re so good with him” Dina commented as she sat on the arm of the couch, right beside where Ellie still sat on the floor, one knee up to her chest and her back against the couch. 

Ellie shrugged, a little embarrassed. 

“Guess it’s because you still act like a kid yourself” Dina teased, taking a sip of her own drink. 

“Fuck you”

“Hm” Dina waggled her eyebrows but chose not to comment. 

Ellie’s face flushed and she quickly took a sip of her water. 

“So uh…” Dina began and then stopped, biting her lip, trying to decide whether to continue. 

Ellie lifted her eyes to look up at her expectantly. 

Dina took another sip of her water and focused her eyes on her son instead. 

“You and Cat?”

“Uh, what?” Ellie asked, brow knit in confusion.

Dina’s eyes stayed on JJ but she shrugged ever so slightly. “You’ve been seeing a lot of her”

“Yeah, we’re friends” Ellie muttered. 

“Right…” Dina pressed her lips together in a tight line.

“Dina, this feels like a conversation we would have - uh, four years ago?” Ellie laughed softly, but it was more of a nervous laugh than anything else. 

“Well, yeah...because four years ago you were spending a lot of time with her” Dina reminded her. 

“Yeah because I was dating her...:” Ellie replied amusedly. 

“That’s exactly my point…” Dina’s eyes shifted to glance at Ellie, daring her to deny it. 

“You think I’m dating Cat?” Ellie’s eyebrows rose, her arm coming round to hug her raised knee as her eyes searched Dina’s.

The two women held one another’s gaze for a few long moments, but it was Dina that broke it and focused on her son once more. 

Ellie sighed softly. “I’m -” she shrugged. “Not”

Dina didn’t respond. 

“I’m not uh -” Ellie sat up a little straighter, drawing her other knee to her chest and taking a moment to think over her words. “It’ll only ever be you” she whispered, lifting her eyes to watch Dina once more. “Don’t you know that?” her voice was barely even a whisper, her chest tight and her heart swelling with everything she felt for this woman.

Everything she had _always_ felt for this woman. 

“You really think we’ll get back there? One day?” Dina’s voice sounded so raw, it shook slightly betraying her worries, her insecurities.

Ellie sighed and rested her chin on her arms that were wrapped tightly around her knees. “I have to believe...yeah” she admitted. “Otherwise -” she frowned, shrugged her shoulders. 

Dina lifted her head, looked at Ellie. “What?” she whispered. 

Ellie bit her lip and stared ahead of her at JJ playing happily with his toys. “Otherwise I’m scared I’ll lose myself to the darkness again, to the hatred, the pain” she admitted. 

The two women fell silent for a moment, both simply watching JJ, his happy babbling the only sound in the house. 

“I want to forgive you. You know that, right?” Dina whispered, her eyes glancing warily at Ellie. 

The taller woman nodded, her chin still pressed firmly against her knees. “But I hurt you,” she whispered. 

Dina nodded this time.

“I’m terrified of the hold you have on me” she admitted gently. 

Her words surprised Ellie, her head lifting to look up at the other woman, a wariness in her eyes, but hope beginning to break through. 

“You scare me, Ellie” she whispered, brutally honestly. “You scare me because ever since I met you you’ve had this hold on me, and it only ever leads me to pain”

“Dina -”

Dina shook her head, eyes squeezed closed.

Ellie watched her silently, her heart pounding in her chest. 

“I don’t -” she swallowed, forced a sad smile onto her face and continued, “- know how many more times my heart can take being broken”

“Dina, I never -”

“Meant to?” she laughed humorlessly. “I know, but that makes it worse, you know?”

Ellie sighed softly, pressing her forehead against her knees for a few moments. 

“I will -” she bit her lip, lifted her head and looked back up at Dina once again. “I will do _anything_ to earn back your trust” she whispered seriously. “I mean it when I say it’ll always be you” she shrugged, shook her head slightly. “Fuck. It’s _always_ been you” she admitted. “Cat was - I liked Cat, I still like Cat, I like being friends with her” she tried to explain, worried she wasn’t saying the right thing. “But being with her - it didn’t even compare to just...to being your friend, Dina”

“That’s bullshit,” Dina muttered. 

“It is _not_ bullshit!” she argued, eyes widening and pitch getting higher. 

“Having a girlfriend is _not_ the same as having a best friend” Dina challenged. 

“No. No it’s not” Ellie agreed, head lifted now so she could look at the other woman. “But having a best friend that you wish was your girlfriend? That’s a pretty surefire way to ruin things with your actual girlfriend” 

Dina bit her lip. 

“You broke up with Cat because of me?”

“Well, technically Cat broke up with me because of you” Ellie admitted with a simple shrug. 

Dina looked confused, her expression asking for Ellie to elaborate. 

Which she did.

“So we’re laying in bed -”

“Yeah, not the story I wanna hear, Ellie” Dina huffed, but there was a teasing look in her eyes. 

“Fuck you, Dina” Ellie grumbled at the interruption.

“No...it sounds like you were fucking someone else”

Ellie rolled her eyes and continued. “We’re laying in bed and she just fucking turns to me and says ‘Are you in love with Dina’?”

Dina’s eyes widened. 

“I mean...what the fuck, right?”

“Well…” Dina shrugged. “Were you...?”

“Well, yeah” Ellie agreed sheepishly. “But I was in denial”

“What?! You were in Egypt?!?” Dina grinned, breaking the tension with a joke as usual and clearly proud with herself. 

“Not _the_ Nile. De-nial, you little shit”

Dina grinned down at Ellie. 

“Are you going to be fucking serious? I’m trying to tell you how I realised I was in love with you”

“Alright, alright” Dina huffed. “Geez, just trying to bring some humour amidst the tension”

“That’s your problem, you know. You can’t handle a serious conversation”

“Oh and _you_ can??” Dina rolled her eyes, and shifted on the arm of the couch, letting her body slip down so she was instead laying across the couch. 

Ellie shifted nervously, lifting her head and finding it was now only inches from Dina’s.

“Go on...you were trying to be serious?” Dina reminded her. 

“Uh” Ellie sighed, shifting her body so that it was her side pressing against the couch now rather than her back. Her eyes searched Dina’s, and Dina’s searched hers. 

It was all too much. 

She was trying to remember what she’d been talking about. Cat. The breakup. The slowly dawning realisation that -

“I love you” she whispered, her mouth dry and her heart beating out of her chest. 

Dina’s lips parted as if she were about to say something, but she couldn’t find the right words. Her eyes wide, like a deer caught in headlights. 

Ellie’s eyes dropped to Dina’s lips. If she just moved slightly, just an inch or two. She swallowed nervously, shifted closer. She was almost sure Dina did too. 

“Mama!”

“Fuck” 

Dina sat up quickly, and Ellie’s eyes fell shut as she leant her head back against the arm of the couch. 

“Sorry, Mister, were we ignoring you?” Dina smiled lightly as she got to her feet and lifted JJ into her arms. 

Ellie bit her lip and let out a soft sigh, sitting up a little straighter and watching Dina with their son. 

“Here, can you take him?” she asked as she leant down and plonked him into Ellie’s arms. “I really need to finish the laundry” Dina straightened her shirt, and brushed her fingers through JJ’s hair before walking around the other side of the couch towards the kitchen. 

Ellie smiled sadly, eyes fixed on the child in her arms. “You really know how to pick your moment, huh spud?” she sighed. “I thought you were on my side? You were meant to be helping me win her back?” 

JJ offered Ellie a wide and toothy grin and she couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Oh, you’re a double agent, huh?” she teased and tickled his sides, laughing along with his giggles. 

“Hey Ellie?”

She lifted her head, spotting Dina in the kitchen from over the top of the couch. “He might be hungry, do you wanna feed him?”

“Wh - I uh…”

Dina rolled her eyes, pretended she didn’t find Ellie’s cluelessness adorable. 

“It’s in bottles, dumbass” she commented. “In the fridge”

“Oh right...yeah, I knew that” she lied as she stood up with JJ in her arms. “You want some dinner, my little potato?” she asked as she walked towards the kitchen. 

Dina’s heart skipped at the nickname, something she hadn’t heard in so long. 

\---

“Do you know how difficult it is to do the laundry when somebody won’t sleep?” Dina asked as she folded the last of the clothes into her basket and reached out to affectionately squeeze JJ’s cheeks. 

“Hey, he’s more important than fresh sheets. Isn’t that right, JJ?” Ellie asked the boy from where he sat on her lap after finishing his bottle and being winded. 

Dina had watched it happen with so much love and affection in her eyes, and had only had to direct Ellie in what to do right at the start. She’d been a natural it had turned out. 

“I don’t know. Fresh sheets help me sleep. This little monster does not!”

Ellie laughed softly. 

“You keep your Mama up all night?” she teased. “You know, I used to be good at -”

“Don’t you dare” Dina warned, raising her eyebrows at Ellie.

The taller woman just laughed softly causing Dina’s heart to swell with happiness. 

“Looks good on you” she whispered.

“What?” Ellie asked confusion writ over her face.

“A smile”

“Oh…” Ellie paused, eyes locking with Dina’s and the air thickening around them once more.

But before either of them could worry about it JJ decided now was a great time to throw up his milk, all over Ellie’s shirt. 

“What the fu-” Ellie lifted her son high in her arms, and as far away from her as she could. “Wow JJ, not cool buddy!”

Dina could not stop laughing. 

“Dina!” Ellie glowered, nose wrinkling at the smell. 

“Yeah okay that does not look good on you. Here I’ll take him” Dina said through her laughter, taking JJ from Ellie’s arms.. “Good job Mama’s doing laundry, huh?” she smiled and grabbed a cloth to clean up the little boy. 

“There’s uh - you can go get changed upstairs if you want?” she suggested, turning back to Ellie. 

“Yeah. Okay. Thanks” Ellie nodded.

“Here, give me that first” Dina insisted, shifting her son to the other hip and reaching out, her fingers skilfully unbuttoning Ellie’s shirt. 

“It’s - it’s okay, I’ve got it” Ellie whispered breathlessly, nudging Dina’s hand out of the way and finishing unbuttoning it herself.

Once it was unfastened she shrugged it off and into Dina’s waiting hand. The two women locked eyes for a moment, Ellie feeling self conscious in just the tank top she’d had on beneath the shirt. 

“Clicker got you good, huh?” Dina whispered, eyes trailing the length of Ellie’s arms and the angry bruising from where the creature had pinned her down just yesterday. 

“Yeah. Fucker” she agreed. 

Dina smiled softly and Ellie hesitated. 

“I should -”

Dina nodded. 

Ellie turned and headed for the stairs, the whole time she could feel Dina’s eyes on her. Dina’s eyes that were enjoying their innocent view of Ellie’s muscles. 

It had always been something about her best friend that would catch her eye. Apparently some things never change.

Upstairs Ellie hesitantly walked into Dina’s bedroom, presuming she’d find a fresh shirt in there. As she padded towards the chest of drawers her heart stopped.

She had been in here a handful of times whilst helping to take care of Dina after the attack. She had memorised every photo and every frame that sat atop this piece of furniture. JJ’s smiles burnt into her memory from every single photo his Mother had of him on there. 

Except now there was a new set of smiles. 

JJ’s, of course, and Dina’s as she looked lovingly down at her son and then Ellie’s. 

It was a photo that she thought maybe Robin had taken of them when they’d made the trip back to Jackson to celebrate Robin’s birthday. They were sat in an armchair, JJ only a few months old and sat up on Ellie’s knee, her arm around him to hold him close, Dina perched on the chair arm, one hand on Ellie’s shoulder and looking down at her with so much love and adoration in her eyes that it hurt to even look at the photo. 

But she couldn’t take her eyes off of it either. 

Carefully Ellie reached out, lifted the frame and let her thumb brush over it. They had been so happy. 

A family. 

In love. With each other and their baby boy - the light of their lives they’d called him. 

Why did Dina have this here?

_“You really think we’ll get back there? One day?”_

Dina’s words from earlier echoed in her head. And the look in her eyes, just seconds before she would have kissed her. 

What might have happened if JJ hadn’t snapped them out of it?

Would Dina have kissed her back? 

It scared her to dwell on so many uncertainties, but Ellie thought that she might have. 

If only. 

Letting out a breath Ellie placed the frame back and instead opened the top drawer. It seemed to be filled with sleepwear and she was about to close it when she noticed something. 

A slight frown on her face Ellie tugged the fabric out of the drawer, letting the shirt unfold in front of her. 

It was her old raglan shirt. The one she insisted on wearing even in the hot weather, rolling up the sleeves and ignoring Joel’s -

_”Ya know if you just wore a t-shirt you wouldn’t ‘ave t’roll up the darn sleeves”_

She hadn’t seen it in a long time, since just a few months after Seattle.

In fact - 

_”D, come back to bed”_

_“Seriously? God Ellie, you’re insatiable”_

_Ellie rolled her eyes and folded her arm behind her head as she watched Dina._

_“I hadn’t seen you wear this in years” the darker haired woman commented as she picked up the discarded white and navy raglan._

_“Yeah well, running low on clean clothes”_

_Dina glanced over with a smile and then a wink as she started to lift the shirt over her own head._

_“Dina, wear your own clothes” Ellie huffed, sitting up in bed with a raised eyebrow._

_“I’d rather wear this” she shrugged._

_“It’ll be too big for you,” Ellie argued._

_“Good. Because I don’t intend on wearing anything beneath it” she smiled and climbed back into bed, immediately leaning over to brush her lips to Ellie’s jaw._

_“Come on, babe. You love seeing me in your clothes, right?”_

_She smiled sweetly, laying down and turning onto her side to look at Ellie._

_“I guess” the other woman admitted as she shifted so that she was on her side facing Dina. “Just - don’t you dare fucking stretch it” she warned and Dina laughed softly, reaching for Ellie’s hand and placing it on the prominent bump she now sported._

_A softness fell over Ellie’s expression, her hand fanning out over her girlfriend’s rounded belly, her eyes carefully studying every movement she made with her hand._

_Dina’s eyes followed suit._

_“I’m so in love with you” Ellie whispered, lifting her eyes to meet Dina’s._

_The other woman had wanted to respond with some kind of snarky or cocky comment, but the sincerity in Ellie’s tone, the way she lovingly drew patterns across the bump - it was all too much and her breath was caught in her throat, tears of joy threatening to fall from her eyes._

_“I can’t believe we’re having a fucking baby” she chuckled, eyes dropping back to her hand, and to Dina’s stomach._

_“That’s a good thing, right?” Dina asked gently, her own hand coming to cover Ellie’s._

_“No” Ellie shook her head._

_Dina’s eyes widened, shot up to Ellie’s, terrified of what they’d find there._

_But her girlfriend was still smiling brightly. “It’s fucking awesome” she grinned, eyes meeting Dina’s._

_Dina let the tears fall then as she leant forward, her lips meeting Ellie’s in a desperate and bruising kiss._

_And when they broke apart Ellie’s hand was still on the bump, the other hand reaching up to gently brush away Dina’s tears._

_“You know, when the baby comes you’re going to have to stop with the foul mouth”_

_Ellie rolled her eyes, “Oh yeah, like you’re such an angel”_

_“Fuck yeah I am” Dina grinned and dove in for another kiss._

_This was their life now. Her, Dina and soon their baby. Their family._

Ellie took a breath as she was hit with the memory, unsure how to feel at finding Dina still had this shirt. Had she forgotten it was Ellie’s? Or did she wear it on the nights that Ellie had been gone, hoping it would bring comfort?

“Fuck it” Ellie muttered to herself, there was no point dwelling on it, she just needed to get changed. With another sigh she pulled the shirt over her head and made her way back downstairs. 

“Dina?” she called out as she made it down the stairs. 

“In the kitchen”

“Hey…”

“Hey -” Dina turned and froze when she saw what Ellie was wearing, suddenly hit with the realisation that Ellie might have noticed more than just the shirt she had kept. 

“I uh - it’s getting kinda late” she whispered. “I should probably bath him and get him to bed…”

Ellie nodded, trying to bite back her disappointment. 

“Yeah, of course. I’ll uh - I’ll get out of your way”

Dina sighed softly, bit her lip and shook her head. 

“Why don’t you stay for dinner?” she asked gently. “You could help with bathtime and then, I don’t know. We could -” Dina trailed off and shrugged, unsure how she had been meaning to end that thought. 

“If I stay for bath time I’ll need _another_ change of clothes” she teased, reaching out and gently squeezing JJ’s sock-clad foot. 

“Hey he doesn't splash so much anymore!” Dina argued, pressing a kiss to the top of her son’s head. “Isn’t that right my little man?”

JJ giggled and reached for Ellie. 

“It’s not him I’m worried about” Ellie replied teasingly as she offered her finger to the child, eyes fixed on him for a moment before lifting them to meet Dina’s. 

“Dina I -” she sighed. 

She desperately wanted to stay. 

If she stayed she might do something stupid.

Maybe it would be worth it.

“I have patrol in the morning…”

Being responsible needed to win. For once.

“Okay” Dina nodded quietly.

“I - otherwise I would” she tried to explain, hand awkwardly rubbing her neck.

“Yeah I know” Dina responded but the light was gone from her eyes.

A silence fell between them. 

“We could hang out again soon?” Ellie offered instead, taking a leap of faith. 

“I’d like that” the light came rushing back.

“Yeah me too” 

“So would JJ”

Ellie smiled softly, squeezing the little boy’s hand gently. 

“Okay potato, I gotta go” she said softly, reaching out to brush her thumb across his cheek, smile widening as he grabbed her thumb once more. 

Dina watched on, heart swelling. It felt like there’d been a shift today. Things felt lighter, and the path seemed clearer. 

“I’ll see you real soon” Ellie promised, kissing JJ’s forehead before managing to expertly manoeuvre her thumb from his freakishly tight grip. 

“Bye Dina…” she whispered, turning her head to meet the smaller woman’s gaze. Ellie hesitated for just a moment before stepping closer and brushing her lips to the top of Dina’s head, pressing a lingering kiss there and then she stepped away, turned and headed for the door. 

“Mama!” JJ shouted and Ellie smiled, it warmed her heart to realise how much he clearly loved Dina.

“Mama mama mama!” He continued as she stepped out of the door, gently closing it behind her.

Dina’s eyes squeezed shut, tears falling - a mixture of happiness and sadness as she realised her son’s words, the way he was reaching out - it was meant for Ellie. 

She had to do something about this.

She owed it to herself to try. She owed it to JJ.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has read, left kudos and everyone who has left so many nice words in the comments section. It's so lovely to read through them all (though I'm sorry I've not had chance to reply yet - it was reply or finish the next chapter!!)
> 
> It means so much to know people are enjoying this, and really helps encourage me to keep writing.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this latest, much fluffier chapter, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts. 
> 
> And as always, feel free to come chat on [Tumblr!](https://moth-and-fern.tumblr.com) if you want to!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a few weeks and Dina can't stop thinking about what almost happened that night, but now she needs answers.

_**A couple months after Seattle** _

_The lake had always been one of Ellie’s favourite spots in Jackson, a place to get away from everything, to just be lost in her own thoughts. She had spent so many evenings down here sketching in her journal, thinking about her best friend - _overthinking_ their interactions that day. Sometimes she had even spent the afternoon down there with other kids her age, enjoying the summer sun and trying to resist Dina’s requests to join her in the water. _

_Everything had been much simpler then._

_And now?_

_Now Ellie dreamed of simpler days. Of trips down to the lake with Dina again. With Dina and the baby._

_“Y’know, Joel - he were about your age when he had Sarah”_

_Tommy’s voice broke through Ellie’s thoughts and she looked up from her journal, from the sketch of the lake and the horizon she’d been working on._

_“Really?”_

_Tommy nodded, leaning on his makeshift crutch and reaching down to pick up a flat stone, skimming it across the lake._

_“Yeah. Actually maybe a little young’er”_

_Ellie wished Joel was still around, for so many reasons of course, but also it would have been great to have him to talk to about this whole baby situation._

_“Was he shitting himself too?” she asked after a few moments of simply watching Tommy with the rocks, she was glad to see he was slowly on the mend._

_“Sure was” Tommy laughed softly. “But then there she was, his baby girl in his arms and it changed him, you know?” Ellie shrugged, she had no idea. “He’d give the world for that little girl. He figured things out, learned how to be a Dad”_

_Ellie sighed softly and bit her lip, thinking about how Joel had learned to be her Dad too. She hesitated for a moment before closing the journal, stuffing it in her backpack and jumping down from the large boulder she’d been perched on, slowly making her way over to Tommy, her interest piqued._

_“How old was Sarah when uh - when her Mom left?” Ellie asked, hands stuffed into the back pockets of her jeans as she observed Tommy._

_The older man sighed softly, thinking over it._

_It was something she’d never really asked Joel about, hadn’t wanted to pry._

_“Not quite her first birthday” he explained. “Said she couldn’t do this no more” he sighed. “Broke my brother’s heart. Not for himself but for his little girl”_

_Ellie nodded, bit her lip and stared out at the calm water of the lake for a few moments._

_“Were they married?” she practically whispered, biting the inside of her cheek as she lifted her eyes to watch the man._

_“Yeah. Uh - bit of a rush wedding” Tommy admitted. “He wanted to do the right thing. By her, by the baby, I s’pose. Asked her as soon as he found out she was pregnant”_

_Ellie nodded softly but stayed quiet, her eyes drifting back to the water._

_“Why? You thinking of asking that lady of yours?” He teased and Ellie shrugged, toeing the ground beneath her shoe. “Oh shit” Tommy chuckled softly. “You are!”_

_Ellie turned her head into her shoulder, clearly embarrassed. “I don’t know, it’s stupid” she sighed._

_“Why’s it stupid?” Tommy shifted slightly with his crutch, turned to look at her._

_“We’re practically kids”_

_“You ain’t been a kid for’a long time, Ellie”_

_She sighed softly and stayed silent for a few beats._

_“Why uh - when did you ask Maria?”_

_Tommy chuckled and skipped another stone out across the lake, watching it skip along the water._

_“After about a couple o’months” he admitted with a shrug. “Things were differen’ in the old world, y’know? You waited. You dated for years sometimes. Because you had all the time in the world” he explained. “But now - in this world - you don’t know what day will be your last” his voice broke slightly and Ellie continued to stare out at the water._

_“She say yeah straight away?” She asked gently, lifting her eyes._

_“No of course not” he laughed. “She told me I had terrible timing and to ask again if we survived the attack”_

_“You asked her whilst you were being attacked?” Ellie’s eyes widened and she laughed, a small smile lifting the corner of her mouth._

_“Seemed a good idea at the time” he defended with a shrug and Ellie scoffed._

_“You’re such an idiot” she muttered affectionately._

_“Per’aps. But a married idiot” he reminded her with a smile, gently tapping his wedding ring._

_Silence fell over them once more._

_Tommy broke it._

_“So?”_

_Ellie stayed quiet._

_“Are y’gonna ask her?”_

_“I don’t know,” Ellie shrugged, actively avoiding looking at him._

_“Why?”_

_Ellie let out a heavy sigh and shrugged once more._

_“If you’re thinking ‘bout it you must wanna” Tommy pointed out, leaning both arms on his crutch now, a softness in his expression as he looked at the young woman beside him._

_Ellie ignored him and picked up a stone, drawing back her arm and skimming it across the surface of the lake._

_“Hey you’re getting better at that” Tommy smiled proudly._

_Ellie let out a frustrated sigh and Tommy realised this must have been how Joel felt, trying to be supportive of such a stubborn teen. Though she wasn’t a teen anymore. “I don’t want her to think I’m doing it out of some kind of obligation”_

_“Because the baby?”_

_“Yeah”_

_Tommy was quiet for a moment, thinking it over._

_“Would you be?”_

_Ellie folded her arms across her chest, shifted her weight to her other foot and looked up at Tommy._

_“Little bit”_

_She loved Dina, there was no doubt about that, but yeah the fact that all of a sudden they were about to have a baby did scare Ellie. And it scared her into wondering how best she was supposed to show her support to the woman she loved, to show her commitment to the family they were about to start._

_“You ain’t him, you know” Tommy said softly, eyes fixing on Ellie. “I see a lot of him in you, you’re just as damn stupid and stubborn at times -“ Ellie rolled her eyes. “But you ain’t making the mistake he made if you ask Dina to marry you” he insisted. “You really love that girl” he wasn’t stupid, it was plain to see. “This isn’t jus’ because of the baby”_

_Ellie shrugged her eyebrows, skipped another stone. Tommy was right, of course, this wasn’t entirely a feeling of obligation._

_“Is it like - was it even a thing...you know, for two women to…” she trailed off, eyes still firmly set on the water in front of them._

_Tommy sighed softly as he realised what Ellie was trying to ask._

_“Gay marriage?”_

_In a way it meant a lot to Ellie to hear him just say it out loud. She nodded, glanced up at him and waited nervously._

_What if it disgusted him?_

_“Some places, sure” Tommy shrugged, adjusting his stance to take some weight off of his injured leg._

_“Some?”_

_“Listen Ellie, I ain’t gonna pretend to know much ‘bout it. I can’t tell you the states that had made it legal. But I can tell you that you’re loved here in Jackson, you _and_ Dina. You wanna marry that girl? Great, I’ll start saving up the good booze”_

_“For the party? Or are you saying she’s gonna have to be wasted to marry me?” Ellie shook her head and rolled her eyes._

_Tommy chuckled lightly. “Of course” intentionally not answering the question._

_Ellie smiled and picked up another stone, watching as it skipped along the calm water._

_“I want to,” Ellie admitted after a few moments of silence. “I just - I guess it scares me a little”_

_Tommy nodded._

_“You gotta feel ready,” he agreed._

_“Yeah” Ellie nodded._

__You ain’t him, y’know._ _

_She didn’t _have_ to do this the way he had. And that would be okay._

_Dina wouldn’t expect it from her, but that didn’t necessarily mean it wouldn’t be nice. For them to properly feel like a family._

_Ellie let out a soft sigh, knowing she had a lot to think about but it helped to know she had Tommy’s support, to know that he didn’t think it was a stupid idea. And maybe one day it could happen. Maybe one day soon, or maybe one day in the future._

_She reached down and grabbed another stone, glancing at Tommy._

_“Hey, ready to be beaten, old man?” she teased softly, smiling growing as she watched Tommy accept the challenge by reaching down for a stone of his own._

\---

Things were beginning to feel normal. 

Maria had finally given in and signed Dina off for more shifts around town - though not patrols - and that meant that Ellie was spending more time with JJ, splitting caring for him whilst Dina was busy with Jesse’s parents. 

They had found a nice balance and usually if Dina was working a shift then Ellie would likely be free. 

It was good. It was really good for JJ. 

Though perhaps not so great for Ellie and Dina, who had barely had a chance to spend any time with one another. 

_“We could hang out again soon?”_

Ellie had offered and Dina had wanted to. God, she wanted to. 

But she was scared now. A few weeks had passed since the almost kiss. 

Since the happiest day she’d had in a long time. 

That day, just the three of them, had shown Dina that her best friend was still there. It had shown her just how effortless being friends with Ellie still was, and how happy that had made her. 

And then there’d been the tension in the air. For the first time in a long while it had been welcomed, it had been a romantic tension, thickened by the incessant flirting, the looks shared between the two women, and the almost kiss. 

She had replayed that moment in her mind so many times in the last few weeks. The tenderness in Ellie’s eyes, the sincerity in her tone as she had whispered those words. 

_”I love you”_

Even now the ghost of that memory made her heart race, goosebumps on her skin and her throat dry. 

So much had changed over the last few years. Ellie had changed in so many ways, and not all for the good, but the fact that after everything that happened the other woman could still love her so fiercely, so unconditionally - it astounded Dina. 

She should have said it back. 

She almost had. 

In her dreams she said it. In every replay of that moment she returned the sentiment with increasing certainty. 

Because Ellie _had_ broken her heart, and Ellie _had_ made it incredibly difficult for Dina to forgive that pain, but none of that changed the fact that Dina was irrevocably in love with that stubborn fool she called her best friend. 

She didn’t think there’d ever be a day where she wasn’t. 

Love hurt. 

But family was worth all of the pain. 

_Ellie_ was worth the risk of getting hurt again.

And seeing the happiness in her son’s eyes whenever Ellie came to collect him for the day, and the way that he shouted ‘Mama’ yet Ellie was still so damn clueless to realise he meant her - all of it made her heart grow with happiness. 

She wanted to fix things. 

She wanted to try being a family again. 

She owed it to herself, to Ellie and mostly they both owed it to JJ. 

But first, before she could properly learn to forgive Ellie, she _needed_ to know what had happened in California. No matter how bad it was likely to be - Ellie had lost her damn fingers for God’s sake - she needed to know exactly what that trip had done to Ellie, needed to understand if the woman she loved would ever be the same again. 

\---

It was getting late by the time she made her decision. 

JJ really should have been fast asleep, but Dina couldn’t wait until morning. 

The butterflies in her stomach, the telltale sign of nervousness, was stopping her from thinking straight. 

If she didn’t do this now then she might never do it. What if this was her chance and she let it pass by because she was too scared in the morning? 

And so carefully she bundled her son in his blanket, grabbed a bag of his things and took him to his Grandparents who were more than happy to take him for the night, and thankfully didn’t question the reasoning any further than checking that Dina was at least alright. 

She was. 

She _would_ be. 

\---

The knock at the door came as a surprise to Ellie who lifted her head and stared for a few moments, trying to figure out if she had really heard it. People didn’t come round to her place very often. Especially not so late. 

Perhaps it was Cat?

She hoped it was Cat, maybe she’d found a stash of weed? Ellie wouldn’t say no to a joint right now, she could do with the relaxation of it. 

Carefully propping the guitar against the coffee table Ellie stood from the couch and made her way to the door. 

“Dina?”

“Hey…”

The smaller girl smiled up at her, a nervousness in her expression, her hands clasped tightly in front of her. 

“Is uhm - is everything okay?” Ellie asked, mind immediately jumping to a place of worry. “Is JJ -”

“He’s fine’ Dina nodded. 

Relief flooded through Ellie. 

“Good” she nodded. “Good. Uh - what are you -”

“Can I come in?” Dina whispered.

“Uh, yeah. Sure…” Ellie stepped out of the way, allowing Dina inside before she closed the door quietly and reached up to rub the back of the neck.

There was silence for a few moments as Dina looked around the small home, a soft smile on her face, and the crackling of the wood burner the only sound filling the space. 

“Do you want a drink or anything?” Ellie asked a little nervously. 

“Yeah. Yeah okay” Dina nodded and turned to face Ellie, a small and hopeful smile on her lips. 

Ellie returned it carefully and stepped across the room, her hand gently brushing Dina’s arm as she passed her and nodded towards the couch. “Sit down” she offered. 

“Thanks” Dina mumbled and moved towards the couch as Ellie got them both a glass of water. 

“Oh shit, sorry -” she mumbled and carefully placed the glasses on the coffee table before leaning over Dina and carefully moving everything from the other side of the couch. 

“What the hell were you doing?” Dina asked softly, watching Ellie clear away the tools, cleaning supplies and metal wires. 

“Just cleaning up the guitar, changing the strings…” she shrugged, moving everything to her desk. 

Dina’s eyebrows rose. “I didn’t think you still played…” she admitted gently, remembering Ellie confiding that she couldn’t do it with her injured hand. 

Ellie shrugged, hands closing around the neck of the guitar to move it. Dina reached out to stop her. 

“This is new…” she whispered, dark eyes taking in the shape of the unfamiliar guitar. She shifted in her seat on the edge of the couch, fingers gently reaching out to chase the rocket image on the fretboard. 

“It’s uh - Joel made it, for my eighteenth” she muttered gently, eyes looking anywhere but at Dina. 

“I’ve never seen it before,” Dina admitted. 

“Yeah I -” Ellie sighed, lifted a hand to rub the back of her neck awkwardly. “I kinda rejected it back then” she admitted sheepishly. 

“Oh” Dina let go of the guitar and sat back against the couch, watching Ellie interestedly. 

The taller girl shrugged slightly and lifted the guitar into her arms, admiring the craftsmanship before she moved it over to her desk with everything else. 

“So…” Dina began softly, a little cautiously. “You went into Joel’s place?” she tried to ask it conversationally, tried not to put any weight in her words in case Ellie didn’t want to talk about it. But this was a big step if Ellie really had gone in there. She’d been avoiding it ever since he had died. 

“Yeah” Ellie replied just as softly as she sat down on the edge of the coffee table, legs resting on the space on the couch beside Dina. 

Dina tried not to overthink the fact that Ellie had actively chosen _not_ to sit beside her. 

She lifted the glass of water to her lips and Dina did the same, trying not to pressure Ellie into continuing her chain of thoughts. 

“Couple days ago” she finally whispered. “When I had JJ for the evening. He wouldn’t sleep because of the storm and he was screaming and I didn’t know how to calm him” she explained.

Dina smiled softly at the thought of Ellie trying to deal with their son’s crying. 

“Figured the storm wouldn’t be so loud in the house” Ellie shrugged and Dina nodded, remembering just how loud rain battered the top of Ellie’s home, nevermind a storm like they’d had a few days back. 

“Did the trick” she continued softly, “And I guess we just ended up having a look around, showing him Grandpa Joel’s place…” Ellie’s voice broke slightly and Dina pretended not to notice, forced herself not to reach out for the other woman, instead letting her continue. “He really liked the guitars” she laughed gently at the memory, “Kept pointing at them and squealing” Dina laughed softly at the thought. “So yeah, I dunno, I just grabbed this one and -” Ellie lifted her eyebrows in a shrug and shifted to flop down on the couch beside Dina, a sad smile on her face. 

Dina let out a soft breath and reached across to gently squeeze Ellie’s knee in support, her heart swelled with the realisation that Ellie’s love for JJ was so strong that she overcame that fear she had of being in Joel’s home, of looking at any of his things.

“So…” Dina began gently, moving her hand from Ellie’s knee and into her own lap. “Have you been trying to learn to play it again?” she glanced over at the guitar and Ellie lifted her head to do the same. 

“I’m just cleaning it up at the moment. Going to restring it so that it’s left-handed” she explained and Dina nodded impressed. 

“That sounds like a good idea”

“Yeah”

A heavy silence fell between the two for a few more moments and Dina shifted in her seat, tucking her legs beneath her, staring into space as she tried to process everything she wanted to say. 

Ellie remained just as quiet, her legs stretched out on the coffee table and her hands folded over her stomach. She shifted ever so slightly to turn her head to the side, silently watching Dina, eyes taking in every freckle, every curl of her hair, the way she had done so many years ago as a much younger Ellie had slowly come to the realisation that she was in love with her best friend. 

In that respect, not a thing had changed. 

“So is everything okay?” Ellie whispered after a moment, breaking Dina from her thoughts. “It’s just it’s late and you don’t usually -”

“What happened in Santa Barbara, Ellie?” Dina asked, lifting her head to look at the other girl, watching the surprise and then the fear that flickered through Ellie’s eyes at the unexpected question. 

“I - uh, I thought you didn’t want to know”

“Never said that”

“Okay” Ellie sat up a little, biting her lip. 

“And I do - want to know now,” Dina shrugged. “Ellie, I _need_ to know” she insisted. “If we’re ever going to -” she sighed softly. “Please tell me?” she whispered anxiously. 

“I don’t -” Ellie sighed heavily, turned her head away. 

Dina shifted to her knees, reaching for Ellie, taking her face gently in her hands and forcing the other woman to look at her. 

“Ellie, I don’t care what you did” she whispered softly. “I just - I need you to tell me. If I’m ever going to be able to put this behind us I need to know, I can’t wake in the middle of the night wondering whether she’s going to turn up and kill us anymore. I just can’t.”

“She - she’s not” Ellie spoke softly, lifting her eyes to meet Dina’s.

“She’s not” Dina replied softly, her hands falling from Ellie and instead running over her own tired face. “So you did it,” she whispered. She’d always known really. Ellie wouldn’t rest until Abby was dead. She’d known and she’d accepted it. After all, it had been what Dina had wanted too once, right? 

But she couldn’t deny that there had been a part of her that had been holding on to the hope that Ellie hadn’t gone through with it. Because that would mean that Ellie, the sweet and compassionate side of her best friend, lived on and the monster that Seattle had created didn’t have it’s claws completely in the woman. 

Dina’s hands were covering her mouth as she processed things, slowly dragging them over her face, glancing only at Ellie when the other woman spoke once more. 

Ellie had shifted, sitting on the edge of the couch with her elbows rested on her knees, her head looking down at the ground. 

“She’s - Dina, I didn’t do it…” she admitted, voice shaky. 

Dina just stared at her best friend. 

Ellie squeezed her eyes close, her hand absentmindedly clutching the stubbed fingers of her left. She was bracing herself, waiting for Dina’s disappointment. Waiting for the screaming, the anger that Ellie had left her family and hadn’t even done what she had set out to do. 

There was nothing. 

“Can you - can you say something?” Ellie whispered pleadingly, lifted her head to look at the other woman. 

Worry was writ across her face, her chest rising and falling heavily of the anticipation of what was to come. 

“Oh my God” Dina whispered so softly that Ellie barely heard it and before she could begin to process it the other girl was throwing herself into Ellie’s arms. 

Ellie’s eyes widened as Dina’s arms wrapped tightly around her, her head in the crook of her neck. Her lips parted briefly but she didn’t know what to say and instead she just carefully wrapped her arms around Dina’s waist and held her tightly, enjoying the feel of her for as long as she was allowed to. 

When Dina broke away a few long minutes later her eyes were red and tear tracks stained her face. She lifted her arms and took Ellie’s face in her hands once more, dark eyes searching the hopeful emeralds of Ellie’s. 

“Oh Ellie” she whispered gently, thumbs brushing Ellie’s cheeks. “You have no idea how happy I am to hear that…”

“Yeah?” Ellie asked breathlessly, her eyes desperately searching Dina’s for confirmation. 

The tiniest of smiles tugged at Dina’s lips and she nodded. 

“Yeah” she whispered before her arms were around Ellie’s neck once more as she hugged her fiercely. 

They held each other tightly for what felt like forever. Ellie could feel Dina’s body shaking with sobs against hers and she just pressed the smaller woman tighter to her. 

“Dina…” Ellie whispered eventually. “It’s...it’s okay…” she could feel the tears soaking through her hoodie. 

She felt Dina nod against her and slowly lifted her head. 

“The things I saw you do in Seattle…” she whispered, eyes searching Ellie’s even as she slowly sat back on her knees, putting a little distance between them. “I understood why you were doing them, what drove you - I got it, I really did. But it terrified me” Dina admitted honestly, her heart aching. 

Ellie swallowed nervously, her eyes fixed on Dina and her body tense, so terrified of what might happen. 

“And then, after everything, for you to leave our family to go and commit more violence” Dina sighed softly, squeezed her eyes closed at the memory. “It felt like I’d failed you. I’d lost you and you’d lost yourself in the violence” she admitted. “It hurt so much because not only had I lost you I felt as though I should have been able to help you, to stop you feeling the need to end it that way” Dina explained. 

Ellie frowned slightly, opened her mouth to protest but Dina continued. 

“I was so angry with myself, constantly wondering what I could have done to help you more -”

“Dina, you couldn’t have -”

“I felt like I should have” she whispered brokenly, tears falling from her eyes. “But I just didn’t know what to do”

“I was lost in the pain,” Ellie admitted. “I don’t think it was so much that I needed to kill her, honestly it was the lack of control I had over myself. The anxiety, the panic attacks” she sighed softly. “I was so scared of hurting you or JJ and in the end I just thought that maybe if I ended things I’d finally be able to rest. I just needed it to end, Dina”

“Why didn’t you?” Dina asked, her voice so soft that Ellie had to strain her ears to hear it. “Why didn’t you kill her?”

Ellie swallowed nervously and shifted in her seat so that her back was pressed to the arm of the chair, her legs crossed as she faced Dina, still sitting back on her knees. 

“When I found her she’d uh -” Ellie’s brow furrowed as she thought back to Santa Barbara, to the Rattler’s. Some of the worst kind of people Ellie had ever come across. “She’d been tortured for...for months I guess. Maybe even longer” she tried to explain, staring down at her own lap. “Barely recognised her at first” she admitted. “They had her - I don’t know, it was like a fucking crucifix that she was strung up on”

Dina frowned and watched Ellie carefully, reaching out to place her hand reassuringly on her knee, encouraging her to continue. 

“I cut her down and I was ready to fight her, ready to end this”

“What happened?”

“She just -” Ellie shrugged. “Walked right past me, cut that kid down. You know, the one with the -”

Dina nodded, reached up and rubbed her shoulder and the scar. She remembered that kid and the pierce of his arrow. 

“Fuck, Dina. I’d come so far just to end her and she wasn’t interested” Ellie sat back slightly. “She just wanted to save the kid and get the hell out of there”

“Did she - did she know who you were? She recognised you, right?”

Ellie nodded and silence fell between them for a few moments. 

“So what? You just, you came home?”

Ellie shook her head. “Followed her” she explained. “She was heading out to the beach, there were some boats we could escape on” she shrugged once more, thinking back to that night. The pain in her side, she had lost so much blood. 

“She wouldn’t fight me, Dina” Ellie laughed humorlessly and Dina squeezed Ellie’s knee gently, trying to encourage her to continue. “But I fucking made her” she shook her head, the more she thought on it the more she was disgusted at her actions, at the way she had threatened the kid.

“But she did fight you in the end, right?” Dina nodded towards Ellie’s injured hand, still clasped in the right hand. 

Ellie nodded. “I could have killed her. I had my hands around her throat, her head underwater” she whispered, heart pounding in her chest. “I could feel the life leaving her” She could still see it sometimes when she closed her eyes. 

“What stopped you?”

“Joel” she whispered simply, lifting her head to look at Dina. 

The other woman just stared at her, waiting for Ellie to decide she wanted to continue. 

“I can’t really explain it. I just - all of a sudden all I could see was him sitting on the porch, guitar in his arms. And I just guess I realised none of it mattered anymore” Ellie whispered brokenly. “It didn’t fucking matter because it wouldn’t bring him back” her voice broke and she bit her lip. “And he wouldn’t have wanted to me to throw my life away going after this lost cause”

Dina’s hand tightened on Ellie’s knee and the two women sat quietly for the next few moments, tears streaming down Dina’s face and Ellie staring at her own lap, unsure how to feel about finally telling Dina the truth. 

“Ellie…” Dina whispered after a few more moments of silence. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, you know?”

Ellie didn’t respond and so Dina continued. 

“In the end it was the love and the compassion in you, the light, that won. It was the part of you that I fell in love with and it brought you home to us” she whispered. “And honestly, El, hearing that you spared her life, that you basically _saved_ her and that kid, I don’t think I’ve ever loved you more”

There was a moment of hesitation as Ellie processed the words and lifted her eyes to meet Dina’s, suddenly swimming with hope.

“You...uh, what?” Ellie whispered breathlessly, daring to dream. 

Dina bit her lip, staring across at her best friend, and the woman she’d not been able to stop loving even after everything, and in that moment there was only one thing she could do. 

She pressed forwards, reaching for Ellie. Her eyes fixed on the other woman, her hands gently cupping Ellie’s face as she _finally_ kissed her. 

Ellie’s eyes widened and then fell closed, the way they had that very first time. Dina’s lips were as soft as she remembered as they hesitantly worked against Ellie’s. 

And then it was over. 

Dina was pulling away, and immediately standing from the couch. She ran her hands over her face and shook her head, confused by her own actions.

Ellie’s brow furrowed and she scrambled to her feet. 

“Dina…”

When she got no response she stepped closer. “Please don’t go…”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking, I shouldn’t have done that” Dina replied, glancing back towards Ellie, arms hugging herself. 

Ellie stared at her for a few moments, trying to process everything. 

“That’s what - what you said last time…” she whispered. Dina frowned slightly from confusion. “The last...first time” Ellie gestured. 

Dina stared at her, the tiniest of smiles creeping onto her face at Ellie’s words as she started to realise that maybe this hadn’t been a mistake, maybe Ellie wanted this too and it was okay to want this.

“You put those words into my mouth then” she reminded her. 

Ellie shrugged, stepped closer, still desperately scared of Dina walking away from this.

“And besides...that time was a six” Dina shrugged, a familiar warmth in her eyes and amused smile on her lips. “This -” she gestured between them. “- was barely a four”

“A four?! Are you kidding me?” Ellie’s eyes widened and she took another step closer.

“There were tears!”

“Yeah, yours!” Ellie laughed.

Dina raised her eyebrows challengingly. 

“Do I get a second chance?” Ellie’s voice was softer now, a little more nervous as she slowly stepped closer as if hunting her prey, stopping only when she was inches from Dina.

“Mmm, I thought this _was_ me offering you a second chance?” Dina quipped, looking up at Ellie.

“At the kiss, smartass” Ellie couldn’t stop the eye roll. 

“I don’t know. I’m thinking maybe second kisses aren’t so good if we’re not high”

Ellie laughed and rolled her eyes. 

“I could get high on you” she whispered seriously.

“Hmm, you’re such a charmer” Dina teased.

“I try,” Ellie shrugged, eyes dancing with mischief and happiness as she watched Dina carefully. As she watched the way that Dina was slowly coming round to this, realising that maybe it was okay.

“You are very _trying_ ”

“You’re infuriating”

“Hmm” Dina smiled softly at the memory of their younger selves and such a similar exchange.

They stared at each other for a few moments. Ellie bit her lip, her chest rising and falling heavily as she stared at the smaller woman. 

And then she moved. 

“This better be better than a four” Dina whispered as Ellie’s arm wrapped around her waist, tugging her close as she dipped her head and captured her lips in the sweetest of kisses. 

Dina melted immediately, her hands slipping to Ellie’s waist as she gave herself completely to the kiss and to Ellie. 

Ellie’s right hand came up to cup Dina’s cheek, deepening the kiss. There was no fight for dominance, no real desperation to the kiss, just two people who had been apart for way too long and _needed_ to show one another how much this meant. 

As they broke apart, for breath rather than anything else, Ellie pressed her forehead to Dina’s, her thumb gently brushing the soft skin of the shorter girl’s cheek. 

“Ellie…” Dina whispered before they were both diving back in, lips clashing together in desperation this time. 

Ellie’s hold tightened around her waist and Dina’s hands moved to rest gently against Ellie’s strong arms, giving in to the fierceness in Ellie’s kiss, letting her take control because she really couldn’t get enough. 

And then she was _in_ her arms. A light squeal, a pathetic cry of “Ellie!” as she was lifted into her best friend’s arms, her legs wrapping around the taller girl’s waist as she was carried rather intentionally towards the bed. 

When her back hit the mattress followed by the gentle press of Ellie’s body as she settled above her, it felt like coming home. 

And then Ellie’s lips were on hers once more and she was kissing her back with a newfound urgency.

Ellie was careful in the way that she pressed Dina to the bed, her knee resting between the other woman’s legs and her arms supporting her above Dina’s body. She kissed her hurriedly, as if any moment this could be over. Soft kisses that turned hard, a clash of tongues, the mixture of hot breath. 

It was all consuming. 

It was everything Ellie had ever dreamt of. 

And when Dina’s soft hands slid beneath the hem of her hoodie Ellie shivered with want, her body pressing closer to the other girl’s.

Dina tugged harder on the soft material until Ellie reluctantly broke their kiss and peeled it over her head, letting it fall to the floor. 

“Ellie I -”

Dina was staring up at her, eyes slightly dilated, lips slightly parted. 

“Don’t” Ellie whispered, eyes searching Dina’s carefully. “Just don’t overthink this, Dina, please?” she whispered. “Just - just do what feels right…”

Dina bit her lip, thinking over Ellie’s words for a moment before her hands reached up, wrapping around Ellie’s biceps, gripping gently. 

“Are you just going to stare at me? Or are you going to kiss me?” she whispered, causing Ellie’s eyebrows to raise, a soft smile on the corner of her lips. 

They stared at one another for a beat longer before Ellie leant down, lips capturing Dina’s once more. There was a hunger, and possessiveness, in the press of Ellie’s lips to Dina’s. The assertive way in which her lips moved against the darker haired woman’s was enough to make Dina give in, her lips parting as she breathed her in, kissed her back and offered her heart to Ellie once more. 

The feel of small hands gripping hard muscle sent a shiver up Ellie’s spine and as Dina’s touch slid down her arms and instead to her waist she felt the need to break away and pinch herself. 

“What are you doing?” Dina whispered amusedly, smiling up at her. 

“Making sure this is real…”

“It’s fucking real, stupid” Dina grinned, taking the opportunity to sit up slightly against the pillows of Ellie’s bed. 

Ellie hesitated, her eyes searching Dina’s, a softness behind her gaze. 

“Don’t overthink this, Ellie” Dina teased, having to bite back a smirk at her own words. 

“Fuck you”

“Yeah...that’s what I’m waiting for” she laughed, her heart melting at the toothy grin she got in response from Ellie. 

They were happy. 

For the first time since Ellie had left, they were happy and they were on their way back to being a family. 

“You’re such a dick” Ellie whispered as Dina’s hands slipped beneath her t-shirt and started tugging it.

“I’m aware” she replied with a quirk of one eyebrow, pulling the shirt over Ellie’s head and letting it fall to the ground. 

Her eyes briefly rested on the jagged scar on Ellie’s abdomen, one she hadn’t seen before, but she didn’t have much chance to focus because Ellie’s fingers were hastily unbuttoning her shirt and it was suddenly the only thing that she could focus on. 

There was only her and Ellie, and the press of warm skin as they hastily ripped fabric away, desperate to show one another what this really meant. 

\---

Ellie was happy. 

Happier than she had been in a very long time. 

She shifted ever so slightly, the arm around Dina’s shoulders tightening and her right arm reaching out to tangle her fingers with Dina’s left. 

“That was uhm -”

Dina raised her eyes to look at Ellie. 

“Scale of one to ten?” she interrupted, a tiny smile tugging at her lips. 

Ellie laughed softly, eyes falling to meet Dina’s. 

“Eh, I’ve had better,” Ellie shrugged. 

“You’ve had better??” Dina huffed and shook her head, making a show of trying to escape Ellie’s arms. 

Ellie of course just tightened her hold on the other woman. 

“I think it might have been a life-altering ten for me” Dina admitted gently, turning her head and nuzzling into Ellie’s neck so as to hide the embarrassment at her admission. 

“Wow” Ellie replied a little breathlessly. 

Dina pressed a gentle kiss to the side of her neck. 

“That’s uh -”

“Though it depends” Dina quickly interjected. 

“Depends?” Ellie asked, shifting closer, fingers tangling with Dina’s once more. “Depends on what?”

“What it meant,” Dina replied simply. 

“Oh” Ellie let out a shaky breath. 

“Because if it was just physical then it was, well it was pretty good” she explained gently, voice a little shaky. “But if it was more -” she hesitated, waiting to hear what Ellie would say, suddenly afraid that maybe she had gotten the wrong idea. 

But when Ellie didn’t say anything Dina shifted in her arms, enough that she could lift her head and look down at the other girl. 

“Ellie...was it more?”

Ellie bit her lip, eyes exploring the depths of Dina’s as if she would find the answer there. 

And she did. 

“Yeah” she whispered. “It was - everything. You - you’re everything” she breathed out softly and a happy grin spread across Dina’s face. 

Ellie returned it. 

“I mean it, Dina” she whispered. “I want _this_ -” she gestured between them. “- to mean something”

“It does”

Ellie nodded, bit her lip and watched Dina quietly for a few moments. 

“What does it mean?” Ellie whispered nervously. 

“Everything” Dina shrugged. “Anything” she turned her body closer to Ellie’s, untangled their fingers and reached up, brushing her fingers gently across Ellie’s jaw, tracing the scar on her eyebrow, the curve of her cheek, every freckle she had missed over the six months or so. “Whatever we want it to mean, Ellie,” she explained. “Let’s just - we can take this one step at a time, there’s no rush, okay?”

Ellie nodded, turning her head into Dina’s touch, pressing her lips to Dina’s hand. 

“Though tonight’s been a few steps at a time…” she observed as she reached up, covering Dina’s hand with her own and bringing it back down to rest against her stomach, fingers tangling once more. 

“I know,” Dina agreed, eyes watching the way Ellie’s larger hand fit perfectly with hers. “That’s why we should just slow things down a moment, yeah?” she asked gently. “Let’s figure this out. I don’t want to ruin this, it means too much” she shrugged gently. “ _You_ mean too much”

Ellie smiled softly, pressed a kiss to the top of Dina’s head and focused on the feel of having the woman she loved wrapped up in her arms. 

“Shit. I thought you had to get back to JJ?” she asked all of a sudden, making a move to let go of Dina. 

Dina’s fingers tightened around Ellie’s, dug her body closer as she refused to move. 

“Yeah that was a lie? He’s with his Grandparents” she admitted gently, face hidden in Ellie’s shoulder.

“A lie!?” Ellie asked with raised eyebrows. 

Dina shrugged and mumbled, “You were scaring me”

“What the fuck, Dina?” Ellie replied but her words were laced with a laugh. 

“You were making me feel all the things I’d locked away,” Dina explained as if it were obvious. 

“So you used your infant son as an excuse to get out of a grown up situation?” Ellie shook her head in disbelief, arm tightening around Dina. 

“Perks of motherhood”

“Fuck you” Ellie muttered.

“Hm. You just did” she smirked and lifted her head, brushing her lips gently to the other woman’s.

“Dina I -” Ellie began once they broke away. 

“Don’t” Dina whispered, pressing a finger to Ellie’s lips to stop her. “One step at a time, remember?”

Ellie hesitated and watched the other woman for just a moment before nodding, willing to let Dina take the lead on this. 

“So...you don’t need to go home then?” she asked instead. 

Dina hesitated. 

“Please stay…” Ellie whispered, her voice breaking with emotion. 

“Ellie…”

“I don’t - I know that we probably have to talk more about what just happened. Eventually” she shrugged, “But right now I’m not ready for it to be over” she admitted, reaching out and brushing a strand of Dina’s hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear. 

Dina bit her lip, eyes searching Ellie’s.

“Me neither” she whispered. 

They stared at one another in silence for a few moments before Ellie took a deep breath and closed the distance, her lips capturing Dina’s in a soft and slow kiss. 

Dina’s eyes fell closed, her body shifting closer to Ellie’s as she let the power of Ellie’s kiss wash away her fears or worries and instead just focused on what was happening between them in that moment. 

When they broke apart Ellie leant forward, her forehead pressing to Dina’s.

“Spend the night with me? Pretend everything’s okay?” she begged in a whisper.

Dina sighed softly but turned into Ellie’s embrace, nuzzling once more into the crook of Ellie’s neck. 

“I want everything to be okay” she admitted gently. 

“Me too” came Ellie’s reply and when Dina didn’t speak she continued. “It will be” she pressed a kiss to the top of Dina’s head, trying to assure them both. “We’ll figure it out, we’ll find a way” she promised. “You and JJ are everything to me, I’m not giving up on us - our family”

Dina squeezed her eyes shut, her heart swelling inside her chest as she turned her head and pressed a kiss to Ellie’s shoulder. 

“Okay” she whispered softly, and that was enough. 

For Ellie that was everything. 

It was Dina accepting that there was still a chance for them. And Ellie was going to do everything to fix this. 

\---

Dina stirred against Ellie’s chest, unable to help but press further into her warmth as she tried to peer at the clock beside Ellie’s bed. 

“‘Time is it?” she mumbled. 

“Who cares?” Ellie groaned in response, arm tightening around Dina.

“Me…” Dina chuckled lightly.

“Go back to sleep” she grumbled, tugging the darker haired woman closer, refusing to let this end.

“Can’t. You snore too much” Dina quipped, causing Ellie to open her eyes just to roll them before closing them again, determined to get more sleep. 

But Dina had other ideas, starting to untangle herself from Ellie’s embrace. 

“Oh okay, this is happening?” Ellie huffed, raising an eyebrow and reluctantly lifting her arm to allow Dina to sit up. 

“It’s 9.30!” she exclaimed as she finally managed to fix her eyes on the alarm clock.

“Yeah, so come back to bed. I’ll make you breakfast” Ellie offered, sitting up a little and rubbing her tired eyes. 

“Oh, you’re going to make me breakfast?” Dina turned then, looked at Ellie with raised eyebrows and a smirk. 

Ellie shrugged. “What can go wrong? Really?”

“If you’re cooking?” Dina raised her eyebrows amusedly. “Everything”

“Pfft” Ellie grumbled and lay back against the pillows. “Your loss” she huffed. “Could’ve been romantic.

Dina smiled softly, and turned her body back towards Ellie. 

“Since when have you been romantic?” she teased, fingers gently tracing Ellie’s jaw. “I just don’t want this -” she gestured between the two of them. “Whatever this is -” she shrugged, still not 100% sure herself. “- to end prematurely”

“You mean you’ll dump me if the food isn’t good” Ellie laughed softly, rolling onto her side and reaching for Dina’s hand, tugging the other woman back into her embrace. 

Surprisingly Dina didn’t protest this time. 

“Actually I meant you might kill me with your cooking” Dina grinned and Ellie rolled her eyes. “But also we’d have to be dating for me to dump you…” she pointed out. 

“I’ll take you on a date if that’s what you want…”

“I know” Dina smiled, brushed the lightest of kisses to the corner of Ellie’s mouth and then sat up once more. “I need to go collect JJ,” she explained. 

Ellie nodded at the mention of their son, sitting up slightly against the pillows. 

“It’s gonna be his birthday in a few days…” Dina whispered as she stood, pulling on her jeans that had been hastily tossed aside last night. 

“Yeah, it’s gone so fast -”

“You should be there”

Ellie’s eyes widened. “Really?”

Dina shrugged, it made sense to her. Why wouldn’t Ellie be there? She was his Mom too.

“He’d want you there”

“Dina, he’s one”

She shrugged again and glanced over her shoulder at Ellie as she buttoned up her shirt. “You’re his favourite vomit blanket”

Ellie rolled her eyes and watched Dina carefully. “And - do _you_ want me there?” she asked cautiously.

“I do,” Dina replied gently.

Ellie watched her for a few moments, trying not to smile too brightly before nodding.

“Fine. I’ll wear my finest outfit for him to ruin”

“Hm, please do” Dina chuckled lightly. “I’m sick to death of seeing you in this grotty old hoodie” she added as she picked it up from the pile of discarded clothes on the floor.

“What’s wrong with it?” Ellie demanded defensively.

“I swear every time I’ve seen you this week you’ve been in it” the smaller woman rolled her eyes, still holding the hoodie but at arm’s length as if it disgusted her.

“I haven’t even seen you this week!” Ellie countered.

Dina shrugged and pulled the hoodie over her head. “I’ve seen _you_ ” she replied simply, tossing a wink in Ellie’s direction which caused the other woman to stare incredulously at her. “Think I’m gonna keep this just to make sure you wear something clean” she explained as she smoothed the soft fabric over her body and tried not to get too lost in the warmth of it mixed with Ellie’s scent. 

She smiled brightly and watched as Ellie eventually climbed out of bed and pulled on her jeans. 

“Okay I’ll see you on Saturday then?” Dina asked, stepping closer and trailing her fingers over Ellie’s stomach through the thin material of the tank top she had worn to bed. 

“Yeah. Sure” Ellie replied simply, her eyes fixed on Dina and her breath caught in her throat. 

There was a moment's hesitation before Dina flattened her hand against Ellie’s taut stomach, leaned in and brushed her lips to the taller woman’s in the softest of kisses. 

“Goodbye Ellie” she whispered as she broke away, eyes lingering on Ellie’s lips for a moment too long because Ellie took the opportunity to pull her in for one more kiss, this time with a little more oomph. 

By the time they broke away again Dina was just as breathless. She sighed softly, her dark eyes searching Ellie’s, but it wasn’t until Ellie’s hand slipped from her hip that she remembered where she was supposed to be going and with a small smile turned on her heel and walked out of the door. 

Ellie stared after her, letting out a heavy breath as the door closed softly behind Dina. 

“Fuck” she whispered as she threw herself back down onto her bed with a heavy sigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kinda felt a lot of pressure with this chapter, so I hope it turned out okay...
> 
> Anyway, thank you as always to those of you who have left kudos and commented, it really means a lot. I'm slowly making my way through replying to all your kind words <3
> 
> And if you want to do more than comment then you're welcome to come and chat anytime. You can find me on [Tumblr.](https://moth-and-fern.tumblr.com)


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ turns one. 
> 
> Ellie makes a friend.

The last few days had been some of the toughest in Ellie’s life. 

She had fought Clickers and Bloaters and fucking Shamblers. She had found herself in the middle of a civil war between the WLF and the Seraphites. She had escaped David’s clutches. 

All of that? It had been easy compared to the last couple days. 

She had been busy, thankfully, and so had Dina which meant there were no plans to see one another until Saturday - until JJ’s birthday. 

Yet it was as if the fates were playing with her. 

No matter where she went in town she would see Dina. 

She would see Dina, but there was no opportunity to touch her, or kiss her or any of the things that Ellie so desperately wanted to do. 

The stables to collect a horse for her patrol shift? Dina would be working there. 

The ration line? Dina would arrive behind her. 

The town hall to collect some chairs for Maria? Dina was helping to tidy it up after the latest social night.

_”Ellie...hey…”_

_She had tried to get out of there quickly, she couldn’t take looking at Dina and not being able to touch her any longer._

_Dina had followed anyway._

_“Oh hey…” she stopped, put down the stack of chairs and turned to the other girl._

_“Avoiding me?” Dina teased._

_Ellie scoffed, rolled her eyes playfully. “Are you kidding? You’re everywhere I go…”_

_“Yeah it does seem that way” Dina agreed with a nod and for a second it had seemed as though she was about to reach out for Ellie but the moment was lost as an older couple shuffled past them with a mumbled ‘Hi girls’ which Dina had responded to before stuffing her hands into her back pockets as if to stop them doing anything she regretted._

_“I uh - I was looking at the town meeting board earlier…” she admitted, nodding towards the board in question._

_“Oh yeah?” Ellie laughed softly at the memory of their younger selves, how often they’d laughed at the list of ‘activities’ on offer._

_“Don’t wanna miss Bingo night” Dina grinned._

_“Man, is that really the best they can come up with?” Ellie laughed in response._

_“Well it’s that or line dance lessons” Dina shrugged, a small smile on her face._

_It seemed as though it were always bingo night, line dancing lessons and nothing much else._

_“Yeah, kill me if I ever agree to go to line dance lessons” Ellie grumbled, she’d face a horde of runners over being dragged to those particular events._

_“So bingo it is then?” Dina asked._

_“Huh? What?” Ellie’s brow furrowed in confusion, nose scrunched slightly at the thought of bingo night._

_“I thought you wanted to take me on a date…” Dina mumbled innocently, though she shrugged and averted her eyes betraying her own nervousness at the thought._

_Oh._

_Ellie stared at the other woman for a moment or two, honestly thrown off by the fact that Dina was being genuine about this._

_“Well yeah…” she nodded, lifting her arm and nervously rubbing the back of her neck, her eyes searching Dina’s to see if she was teasing here. “But bingo?” she asked with a raised eyebrow once she was sure Dina wasn’t messing with her._

_Dina shrugged nervously. “Could be fun?”_

_“Oh yeah” Ellie laughed softly, a smile beginning to cross her lips._

_“Ellie…”_

_Ellie raised her eyebrows._

_“You know we can’t just leave town like we used to…” Dina reminded her, sure that Ellie was thinking about all the more interesting things they could do instead. Somehow Eugene’s weed den sprung to Dina’s mind._

_“We don’t have to leave town” Ellie shrugged, a slight happiness dancing in her eyes at the thought of being able to spend time with Dina._

_“And I’d rather be somewhere public…” Dina admitted in a whisper, her eyes averting from Ellie’s._

_“Oh”_

_The spark of happiness left Ellie’s eyes._

_“It’s not -” Dina sighed as she tried to find her words. “I’m scared, that’s all…”_

_Ellie sighed, bit her lip and looked down at the ground for a moment or two before nodding._

_“Okay. Bingo it is then” she finally settled on with a nod and a smile offered in Dina’s direction._

The smile Ellie had received in return was still on her mind now, a couple days later. 

She tried to push it out of her mind as she made her way down the pathway towards Dina’s small home. 

The closer she got the louder the noise inside was and Ellie soon realised they weren’t going to be alone. 

“Ellie, hey” Dina beamed at her as she opened the door to greet her. 

“Hi…” she smiled back, trying to look over Dina’s shoulder at the source of the noise. 

“Come in” Dina insisted after a moment and stepped out of the way.

Ellie hesitated only briefly before stepping inside. 

“I didn’t realise there’d be quite so many people…” she commented softly, glancing over to Dina. 

“Yeah it turns out our boy is pretty popular” Dina said proudly as she reached out and gently squeezed Ellie’s arm. “Come on” she smiled and led her through to the living room where there were quite a few people from around the town, some Ellie recognised and some that she didn’t. And in amongst it all, surrounded by other children his age, was JJ.

“Hey buddy, look who’s here” Dina smiled as she leant down for JJ.

His eyes lit up when he saw Ellie and his arms reached for Dina. “Mama!”

“Hey kid” Ellie smiled, carefully taking him from Dina’s arms. “Happy birthday” she grinned as JJ reached for her face and squeezed her cheek. “Oh wow okay, beating me up in front of your friends?” 

Dina watched the two of them lovingly. It warmed her heart to see how happy her son was when he was with Ellie. 

“El, have you met everyone?” Dina asked softly and Ellie lifted her head to look at her. 

“Uhm - no, I don’t think so…”

“Everyone -” Dina began, a bright smile on her face as she looked at the other people, presumably other parents, in the room. “This is Ellie. JJ’s Mom” 

It was probably a good job that Dina hadn’t _actually_ introduced everyone to Ellie, because she would have forgotten their names the moment Dina introduced her as JJ’s Mom. She didn’t think she’d ever get over that, or the ease with which Dina used that term to refer to her. 

She offered the tiniest of smiles, hating all the eyes in the room being on her. 

“Okay” Dina’s voice brought her back to the present. “I’m going to go freshen up peoples’ drinks” she explained as she stepped closer and brushed her fingers through JJ’s hair. “Think you can handle a room full of toddlers?” she grinned at Ellie who smiled softly. 

“It’s the parents I’m more worried about” Ellie admitted softly. 

“Oh yeah. I forgot you don’t know how to act like a grown up” Dina teased and kissed JJ’s cheek. “I won’t be long. Be nice. Talk to people” she insisted and Ellie rolled her eyes. 

\---

Dina was a long time. At least it felt like it to Ellie. 

She was surprisingly good with kids but their parents - Ellie felt like she had nothing in common with them. 

They all knew one another, and Ellie felt like she barely knew any of them. 

Sure, she’d seen a few of them around town, but they’d never really spoken. And Ellie couldn’t help but notice that the majority were at least a couple years older than her and Dina - that’s what happened when you were teenage parents she supposed. 

She wondered whether Joel had felt so out of place at things like this for Sarah. 

“Hey…”

She looked up with a smile when she heard Dina’s voice, and felt Dina’s hand on her shoulder. 

“JJ seems to be having a good time” she shrugged, glancing over at him in the playpen with the other kids. 

“Yeah, but are you?” Dina laughed softly. 

Ellie shrugged once more. 

“It’s okay. You’re new to this. Just talk to people, stop worrying so much”

“But -”

“Ellie, it’s a one year old’s birthday party. They aren’t going to ask you any real hard hitting questions”

Ellie rolled her eyes and let out a soft breath.

“Make a friend,” Dina insisted. “And I’ll make it worth your while later…” she added, lowering her voice. 

Ellie’s eyebrows rose slightly and she glanced towards Dina who smiled softly and walked away to talk with some of the other parents. 

She sighed softly, her eyes scanning the room before landing on JJ. A smile stretched across her face as she watched him, he was happy. Surrounded by his friends, playing with the toys around him and it was all Ellie had ever wanted for her son. 

“Hi…”

Ellie looked up at the sound, eyes landing on a guy not much older than her. Her brows furrowed slightly as she tried to place him, but she wasn’t sure that she’d ever seen him before. 

“Hi…” she replied softly, her arms folded across her chest even though a voice in the back of her head, that sounded oddly like Dina’s, told her not to look so unapproachable. 

“I uh - I’m Lucas…” he explained a little awkwardly and held out his hand to her. 

Ellie’s eyes dropped to his hand, noticing the fresh scarring around his forearm, and hesitated a moment. 

“Ellie…” she finally replied, taking his hand and shaking it. 

“Yeah...yeah I heard Dina say…” he replied with a soft smile, lifting his scarred arm and scratching his beard in what was undoubtedly a nervous gesture. 

It felt like looking in a mirror because _fuck_ this guy was as awkward as her and Ellie took a moment to take in his features. His red hair was a little tussled, but in the totally intended kind of way, his beard a little unkempt which made him look kind of gruff, but his eyes were kind. 

Silence fell between them again and Ellie’s eyes wandered to JJ once more. Somehow he always had a calming effect on her. 

“I uh, I don’t think I’ve seen you around town before” she finally forced herself to say, glancing at the man - Lucas - before back to JJ. 

“Yeah” he nodded, his hands stuffed into his pockets as he followed her line of sight to the kids. 

“We only arrived in Jackson a couple months ago” he explained and when Ellie nodded he continued. “Olly...our uh, son” he nodded toward the boy closest to JJ. “Struck up quite a bond with your little one. Hardly been able to separate them since”

Ellie couldn’t help but smile at the thought of JJ having a best friend. Though she kind of hated that she hadn’t already known about it. What kind of parent didn’t know that their kid had a best friend?

“And it turns out Nat and Dina get on like a house on fire” he shrugged. 

“Nat?” Ellie glanced at him once more. 

“Oh. My girlfriend” he explained and nodded over to where Dina stood talking animatedly with a blonde woman. 

Ellie nodded. 

“So Dina sent you over here?” she asked, eyes searching his face. 

Lucas laughed softly and shook his head. “No. Not quite” he smiled and Ellie found she didn’t hate his smile, he seemed sweet. “Nat’s been insisting I try to get to know some of the other parents”

Ellie chuckled softly, remembering Dina asking the same of her. “So…” she glanced up at him. “Why me?”

“Because you looked as damn awkward as me”

Ellie couldn’t help the smile on her face. She couldn’t argue with that.

“Yeah” she agreed softly, glancing at the kids once more. 

“So…” the guy began after a few moments of silence and when Ellie turned to him he was awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. She was glad to see he definitely did feel as out of place as her. “What exactly are you supposed to do at a one year old’s birthday party?”

Ellie laughed softly and looked up at him. “I have no fucking clue” 

Lucas laughed and Ellie decided this guy was okay. 

\---

So far there had only been two tantrums. One because Olly had wanted to play with JJ’s new toy and the other - well, Ellie still wasn’t so sure why. 

But she figured two was pretty good going, and Lucas agreed. 

The two had struck up quite the conversation over the past hour and Ellie was feeling pretty proud of herself for being social. 

“Hey I could do with another drink…” she said from where she sat on the ground with JJ and Olly. 

“Yeah” Lucas nodded and looked up from the toy car he was entertaining the toddlers with. “Yeah me too. Want me to get them?”

“No it’s fine. I’ll do it” Ellie smiled and got to her feet, she had just seen Dina go into the kitchen. Alone. She wasn’t going to analyse it too deeply, but there was a chance her thirst wasn’t _exactly_ for a drink. 

“Alright. I guess I’ll brave these two on my own?”

Ellie smiled and brushed her fingers through JJ’s hair. “You get him, spud” she grinned and climbed over the playpen wall and headed for the kitchen. 

“Hey”

“Oh, hey” Dina smiled brightly as she saw Ellie walk in. “I see you’ve made a friend” 

Ellie shrugged, tried to act nonchalant about it. “Yeah, he seems a decent guy”

“He is” Dina nodded as she poured some drinks. “I’ve been wanting you two to meet actually”

“Yeah?” Ellie asked, her fingers lightly skimming the side of the worktop as she watched Dina from against the doorframe. 

“You two are a lot alike. Kinda figured you might get on”

Ellie shrugged and chewed on her lip. 

“I’m glad you’re here” Dina whispered after a few moments, glancing up to look at Ellie. 

“Yeah me too…”

“JJ loves having you here”

“What about you?” Ellie asked quietly. 

Dina turned to face Ellie, her hands resting on the worktop behind her. “I don’t know,” she shrugged. “I guess I don’t _hate_ it” she teased, a tiny smirk on the corner of her lips.

Ellie laughed softly, bit her lip and pushed herself away from the doorframe and towards Dina. 

“Good” she whispered, suddenly feeling a little more confident now she was alone with Dina, away from the noise of the living room. “What about the other night?” she asked quietly as she stepped closer to Dina. 

“Hm, other night?” Dina raised an eyebrow. 

“Mm” Ellie nodded, looking down at Dina carefully, only inches away from her now. 

Dina lifted her eyes to meet Ellie’s, which caused the taller woman’s heart to race. She made a face that was supposed to tell Ellie she was considering her words before finally relenting and admitting, “I didn’t _hate_ that either” 

“Good” Ellie whispered a little breathlessly as she took that last step towards Dina. 

“Yeah?” Dina peered up at her, biting her lip nervously. 

“Yeah” Ellie agreed with a nod before she closed the distance and captured Dina’s lips in hers. 

Immediately Dina melted into her, her hands coming to rest on Ellie’s arms - arms that were pinning her against the worktop, arms that she would be happy to have pin her anywhere. 

The kiss was slow and gentle. There was no rush, no endgame, but it held a promise of more - should more be wanted. 

Which it was. 

And when they broke away it was Dina’s heart that was racing. 

She swallowed thickly as Ellie’s nose brushed hers, a soft smile creeping onto her lips and her hands tightening on Ellie’s arms, not quite ready for this to be over. 

“I should probably -” Ellie gestured her head towards the kitchen door.

“Yeah” Dina nodded but she made no move to let go of her. 

Ellie smiled softly, letting their eyes meet for a moment and then Dina’s hands were on her face and they were kissing again. 

Ellie’s hands slipped to Dina’s waist, holding her close as they just got lost in one another for a few more moments, lips moving gently against one another’s, hands gripping the other as if they were afraid to let go. 

Perhaps they were. 

“Okay…” Ellie laughed softly when she broke away this time, though Dina’s hands still cradled her face and held her close. 

“Okay” Dina agreed with a nod, her eyes slowly opening to look up at Ellie. 

“I should -”

“Yeah” 

They both hesitated, Dina brushing her thumb across the scar on Ellie’s lip before reluctantly letting go. 

Ellie let out a deep breath and forced herself to take a step back and then headed for the door. 

“Ellie?” Dina called just as she made it to the doorway. 

“Yeah?”

“You forgetting something?”

Ellie’s brow furrowed and she shrugged. “I got what I came for,” she explained with a stupid smirk. “Twice”

Dina laughed softly and rolled her eyes. “Drinks, idiot” she reminded her. 

“Oh fuck” Ellie laughed and took the two bottles of beer that Dina passed into her hands. 

“Have fun with your new best friend” she teased and Ellie rolled her eyes before returning to the party and Lucas. 

“You get lost?” he asked as he gratefully took the beer, helping JJ into Ellie’s lap. 

“Yeah, terrible sense of direction” she joked. 

“Hmm, thank God you made it back in one piece” he laughed and took a sip of the beer. 

“I’m very thankful” she nodded and held her beer out of the way as JJ reached for it. 

“Looking a little red-faced there, man” Lucas teased as he glanced at Ellie who immediately hid her face against JJ’s head. “Must’ve been some journey back from getting lost” he grinned and Ellie could just tell he knew _exactly_ where she’d been and with who. 

“Fuck you” she muttered and Lucas just smiled wider and took another sip of his beer. 

“Hey, we should go for a beer some time” he suggested as he let Olly out of his arms, watching as the boy grabbed a hold of JJ’s new car toy. 

“We’re drinking beer right now…”

“Well yeah, but I like beer” he shrugged. “So I’d like to drink it again some time”

“Right”

“We don’t have to…” he said quickly, worrying that he’d said the wrong thing. 

“No” Ellie shook her head. “Sorry, I just - kinda not used to people talking to me around town” she explained. 

“You do something bad?”

“It wasn’t good” she shrugged and glanced up at him, letting JJ back onto the ground where he could play with Olly. 

“I’ve been there” Lucas shrugged, no judgment in his eyes. 

Ellie stayed quiet, eyes on JJ and Olly. 

“You know what helps?”

“What?” she asked softly, glancing up at him. 

“Beer” he smirked and Ellie rolled her eyes, reaching out and pushing him hard. 

“So...they seem to be getting on” Nat smiled gently as she came to stand beside Dina, watching her boyfriend and Ellie. 

“Yeah” Dina smiled happily. “Yeah, they really do”

“Why do I get the feeling we are going to regret letting them be friends?”

Dina laughed, folding her arms across her chest as she leant on the doorframe and watched them - watched Ellie smiling at something other than JJ for the first time in forever. 

“I don’t know. But we’re definitely going to” she agreed. 

\---

The party had died down a couple hours ago and there was now only Lucas, Nat and Olly still there. 

Ellie had been happy to find that conversation with Nat came relatively easily too. The woman seemed to have a lot in common with Dina and it was easy to see how they had become friends. 

This felt like a big deal for Ellie. If they were making friends with a couple did that mean they were on their way to being a couple again?

Everytime she looked at Dina she remembered their moment in the kitchen and had to look away before she blushed. 

Dina just smiled to herself every time. 

“Someone’s looking sleepy” Dina noted as she watched the way that JJ was now clinging to Ellie, his head pressed against her chest. 

“Not the only one” Nat replied as she watched Olly doing the same in his Dad’s arms. 

“Suppose we should think about getting him home?” Lucas suggested. 

“Yeah” Nat nodded then turned to Dina. “Let us help you tidy up first though?”

“Oh, no! Don’t be silly” Dina argued. “It’s fine. Ellie can do it, might tire her out and then I can have a couple hours rest” she teased and Ellie rolled her eyes. 

“I think you’re being compared to an overactive toddler” Lucas teased. 

“Wouldn’t be the first time” Ellie grumbled and got to her feet. “I’ll take him upstairs, yeah?”

Dina nodded. “Please”

But before Ellie could really make any progress towards the staircase there was a knock at the door and she found herself hesitating to see who it was. 

“Tommy?” Dina sounded just as surprised as Ellie was as she opened the door. 

“Hey Dina” the older man smiled as he slowly limped into the house. “Sorry I’m late - didn’t wanna miss the boy’s first birthday, you know?”

Dina smiled weakly, knowing it was only a matter of time before - 

“What the hell is she doing here?”

“What am _I_ doing here?” Ellie glared at him. 

“Tommy, please…” Dina begged, looking between the older man and Ellie. 

Lucas carefully handed his son to Nat and stood up, ready to intervene if need be. 

“I thought better of you, Dina. After e’erything she’s done to this family?”

“To this family?!” Ellie stepped closer to him now, her chest rising and falling heavily. “You made it very clear you aren’t part of _my_ family” 

“Ellie, come on...not here. Not now” Dina pleaded as she stood in front of the other woman, carefully taking her son from his Mother’s arms. “Please?”

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” Ellie ignored Dina and pushed past her to get in Tommy’s face. “I don’t want you near my son” 

Tommy laughed humorlessly. “Does _your son_ know what a fucking coward you are, Ellie?” he spat back venomously. 

Dina saw Ellie’s hand tightening in a fist. 

Lucas stepped forward but Dina blocked his path and pressed JJ into his arms. “Can you hold him, please?” she whispered. 

“I’m the fucking coward?!”

“Ellie, please” Dina reached out for Ellie’s hand but was pushed away. 

“I thought he was your family too,” Tommy said gruffly. “The fucking things he did for you. You’re a coward, Ellie. He would’ve been ashamed of you”

She grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and Tommy couldn’t do a lot to stop her as he leaned on his crutch. And so he just continued to throw hurtful words at her. “‘I’ll make her pay’, that’s wha’you said. But she didn’t fucking pay did she, Ellie? Because you were too fucking weak” 

Ellie shoved him hard and Tommy stumbled back into the wall. 

“I was weak? You couldn’t even get off your fucking ass to go after her”

“She wouldn’t still be alive if I’d gone tha’s for sure” 

“Get out of my house, Tommy” Ellie was clenching her fists hard by her sides, she was practically shaking with the restraint she was showing. 

“It ain’t your house though is it?” he laughed and pushed himself so he was standing straight again. “Cause she don’t want you no more. She don’t want to be with a fucking coward”

“Get out of _my_ house, Tommy” Dina came pushing in front of Ellie and flung the door open, gesturing angrily for the older man to leave. 

He looked between her and Ellie and then turned towards the door. “I’m goin’” he said gruffly and limped out. 

Dina slammed the door behind him and stood there breathing heavily, wiping her angry tears on the back of her sleeve. 

Ellie watched her quietly for a moment before speaking up, “Dina -”

“Don’t” Dina lifted her hand to stop Ellie and pushed past her, taking JJ from a stunned Lucas who had clearly never seen Dina get so angry. 

“I’m so sorry” she looked between her friends. 

Nat shook her head. “No, don’t worry. It’s fine” she gently squeezed Dina’s shoulder. “We should go. But thank you for today, it was so nice” 

Dina forced a smile and nodded. 

Ellie bit her lip as she watched them and silently moved to open the door for them as they approached. 

“It was nice to meet you…” Nat said softly as she reached the door and looked up at Ellie. 

“Yeah. You too…” she replied softly, squeezing Olly’s hand gently. 

Nat smiled and walked out of the door, Lucas moved to follow and paused beside Ellie. 

“Hey, we all got our shit, right?” he said softly and Ellie nodded as he gently squeezed her arm. “You know what helps?”

Ellie raised an eyebrow. 

“Beer” he grinned and Ellie huffed out a soft laugh. “I’m serious though...just let me know if you fancy it -”

Ellie nodded. “Yeah, thanks man” she smiled weakly.

Lucas returned her smile and nodded before following his girlfriend out of the door. 

Ellie sighed heavily as she closed the door behind them, taking a moment longer than she needed before she turned back to face Dina.

“You don’t get to do this, Ellie. Today isn’t about you it’s about -”

“I know, Dina. Don’t you think I don’t fucking know that?” she sighed and stared across the room at the woman she loved, and their son in his Mother’s arms. 

“I can’t believe I thought we could put this behind us” Dina sighed, shaking her head and avoiding Ellie’s eyes. 

“What? Of course we can -” Ellie argued, stepping closer.

“Not if you’re going to lose your temper every time -”

“He started it!”

“Ellie!” Dina exclaimed frustratedly. 

“I’m sorry, okay? It’s just - we’ve been avoiding each other since I came back. And maybe that’s the problem” she sighed and reached out, leaning her hand against the top of the couch. 

She was silent for a few beats, processing everything.

“I think I should really try to make an effort with him, you know?” she whispered after a moment. “I just don’t know how to, not when he has all this resentment for me…” she shrugged gently. She didn’t _want_ to fight with Tommy. The reason she got so angry over it was because it hurt so much to have him hate her when she just wanted him to be her family again.

Dina nodded, her features softening a little as she realised Ellie was finally being mature about something.

“That’d be good,” she whispered as JJ began mumbling ‘Mama’. 

“He’s the only family I’ve got, I have to try and get that back...”

Dina rolled her eyes. “Not the only family -”

Ellie stared at her a moment before Dina nodded to the sleepy baby in her arms.

Ellie’s brow furrowed as she watched their son. 

“I think he wants your attention” she whispered as JJ continued to mumble ‘Mama’.

Dina shook her head. “He’s started doing it when he sees you, calling for ‘Mama’”

Ellie felt her heart swell at the realisation and for a few moments she felt like she couldn’t breathe. She looked up at Dina for approval, and when Dina nodded she stepped forwards and lifted the baby into her arms. 

“Hey my little potato” she whispered weakly, her voice breaking with emotion. 

“Mama” JJ replied, smiling sleepily at her and reaching for her hair. 

Dina watched with a happy smile, tears in her eyes. 

“Come home, Ellie?” she whispered. 

Ellie stared at her for a few moments before reaching out and tangling their fingers, tugging Dina close so that she had JJ in one arm and Dina wrapped in the other. 

“I _am_ home”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always to everyone who has read, left kudos and commented! It's so nice to hear your thoughts on this. 
> 
> There's quite a backlog of comments to reply to, but I promise I'm going to try get round to it asap! 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this one :)


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is basically just all Lucas/Ellie content and I have no regrets.

_Ellie woke to the sound of crying._

_She groaned softly, opening one eye to look at Dina as she grumbled, “Your son’s awake” before rolling onto her back sleepily._

_“He’s **your** son in a morning” Dina huffed in response, her arm still flung loosely across Ellie’s waist and her head burying into the crook of Ellie’s neck. _

_“S’not”_

_“ **Ellie** ” she groaned frustratedly. _

_“ **Dina** ” she replied just as irritatedly._

_“If you ever want to sleep in my bed again then you’re getting up and seeing to your son now” Dina insisted._

_“That’s blackmail”_

_“Yes. Now go” she huffed, removing her arm from around Ellie’s waist and shoving her._

_“Fuck” Ellie groaned and reluctantly rolled out of bed, crossing the small room to JJ’s crib where he was sat up crying._

_“Hey buddy” she smiled gently as she lifted him into her arms. JJ instantly quietened, his cries replaced by little sobs. “Your Mommy’s a bully” she told him as she held him close and carried him back to bed._

_“And his Mom’s pushing her luck” Dina grumbled from where she’d buried herself under the covers._

_Ellie rolled her eyes and climbed back into bed, carefully placing JJ in the space between her and Dina._

_Dina rolled back over to face them both, a small smile on her face as she looked at her son and her - well, Ellie._

_Together they soon fell back to sleep._

_And when Ellie next woke it was to the sight of her son sleeping soundly beside her and his Mom watching her quietly._

_“Hey…” Dina whispered, a small smile on her face as she sleepily took in Ellie._

_“Morning beautiful”_

_Dina’s smile grew._

_“I can’t believe you’re here” the dark haired girl admitted softly._

_Ellie smiled this time. “Me neither”_

_“I’d kiss you but your son’s in the way”_

_“Oh he’s my son again?”_

_Dina grinned. “He’s always your son if he’s being an inconvenience”_

_Ellie rolled her eyes and moved onto her back._

_“I’m so glad you’re here…” Dina whispered._

_“Me too” Ellie smiled and reached out her hand to take Dina’s, just as JJ stirred. “Hey little man”_

_“Little? He’s a big boy now aren’t you, JJ?” Dina smiled and tickled her son’s tummy, watching him chuckle._

_“Oh shit”_

_“What?” Dina looked up at Ellie worriedly._

_“Fuck, I totally forgot”_

_Dina frowned as Ellie practically leapt out of bed._

_“Ellie?”_

_She got no response as the other woman disappeared out of the bedroom and down the stairs._

_“What the -”_

_Dina sat up slightly, a little worried until she heard Ellie’s footsteps as she came back up the stairs. And as she stepped into the bedroom Dina’s eyebrows shot up._

_“What the hell is that?” she laughed at the big stuffed giraffe in Ellie’s arms._

_“His birthday present…”_

_Dina grinned as she looked at Ellie._

_“It’s huge!”_

_“Giraffes **are** huge!”_

_“How do you know, you’ve never -”_

_“Yeah I have!”_

_“What? When?”_

_“With Joel” Ellie shrugged and climbed back into bed with the giraffe._

_“The museum doesn’t count, dumbass”_

_“It wasn’t at the fucking museum, asshole”_

_“Wow. You know how to make a girl feel special” Dina rolled her eyes for dramatic effect - they were both pretty damn aware of how little they actually meant the words they threw at one another._

_“Shut up” Ellie huffed and sat up against the pillows, lifting JJ into her arms and showing him the giraffe._

_Dina watched fondly as her son reached out for the soft toy._

_“You like him, potato?” Ellie smiled._

_“Where’d you even find that?” Dina asked softly and Ellie looked up at her with a smile and a wiggle of her eyebrows._

_“I’m allowed my secrets”_

_“Shall I expect a giraffe for my birthday?” Dina teased._

_“Depends. Do you want one?”_

_Dina hesitated for a moment to think about it before shaking her head. “No, I think I’d be happy with just you two”_

_Ellie smiled and held her arm out for Dina who hesitated momentarily before shifting to sit beside the other woman. Immediately Ellie’s strong arm encircled her and held her close._

_Dina didn’t think she’d ever felt so safe, or happy, than she did right then in the arms of the woman she loved, her son happily babbling on Ellie’s lap and the giant ass giraffe laying across them all._

\---

Things seemed to be going well with Dina. The two of them had been taking things slowly, with Ellie only staying over a couple nights in the past week. 

Neither had said anything but it was some sort of unspoken agreement that they didn’t want to mess this up, they wanted to take it one step at a time. 

Ellie didn’t want to jinx it of course, but she couldn’t help but admit things were going really well. 

They’d yet to have their ‘bingo date’ but that was more because Ellie’s patrol shifts had been inconveniently scheduled for the morning after bingo night, and she didn’t want to have to cut their date short so that she could get up early. 

And so they had put it off for the time being and instead Ellie had her big night out with Lucas. 

_”I’m seeing Nat later, should I tell her that you’re free tonight if Lucas is?”_

_“Dina!”_

_“What?”_

_“You’re nagging”_

_“No I’m not, I just think it would be good for you...both of you”_

_Ellie groaned frustratedly as she finished her coffee._

_“He’s a nice guy…”_

_“This is starting to sound like when you tried to set me up with that guy at the lake that time”_

_Dina laughed softly at the memory as she cleaned JJ’s face of the porridge he’d been eating._

_“I promise I’m not trying to set you up with anyone this time” she smiled and glanced at Ellie who huffed. “Oh come on, Ellie. It’s one beer”_

_“Why can’t I spend tonight with you?”_

_“Because I want an early night where I can go to bed and read and not have to fight over the duvet”_

_Ellie laughed softly. “It’s hardly a fight, you barely resist”_

_“You’re freakishly strong” Dina huffed. “Plus you’re warm, means I don’t need the duvet” she shrugged and lifted JJ out of his high chair, placing him in Ellie’s arms. “Okay bud, you be really naughty for your Mom, so that you’re exhausted when I get home” she grinned and kissed her son’s forehead before pressing her lips to Ellie’s._

_Ellie kissed her back softly, still unable to believe that they had found this happiness between them again._

_“Have a good day” Dina whispered as she broke away, her thumb brushing Ellie’s jaw._

_“Yeah, you too…” Ellie mumbled, still a little affected by the kiss._

_Dina smiled softly, pulled on her jacket and headed for the door, taking one last look at her family before leaving with a happy sigh._

\---

“Hey…”

“Oh hey…” Ellie pushed herself away from the wooden railing outside the diner at the sound of Lucas’ voice. 

“Wasn’t sure if you’d make it” he admitted, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans, looking just as awkward as he had at the party last weekend. “Kinda got the feeling Dina decided you were free tonight”

“Yeah she sorta did” Ellie agreed with a soft smile, nervously toeing the wooden floor beneath her. “So uh...should we?” she nodded towards the door and Lucas nodded, eyes going a little wider as he realised how stupid they looked out here. 

“Yeah, yeah of course” he agreed and Ellie opened the door to let him inside, soon following after him. 

The usual crowd were inside, with just a few of them bothering to glance up at the new arrivals before returning to their drinks. 

Ellie led Lucas through the darkly lit room towards the back where they could sit in peace. “What do you want?” she asked softly. 

“Oh. No I’ll get these…”

“You don’t have to”

“I want to”

Ellie watched him for a moment before nodding. “Okay well, just whatever you’re having”

Lucas nodded, offered a small smile and turned towards the bar. Ellie sighed softly and took a seat. She really hoped tonight wasn’t going to be as awkward as she suspected. 

When Lucas returned it was with two bottles of beer, one of which he placed in front of Ellie as he sat down. 

“How fucking cool is it that they’re brewing their own beer?” he asked with a grin, admiring the bottle. 

“Yeah I guess…” Ellie shrugged. 

Lucas studied the bottle a moment longer before lifting it out to Ellie. 

“Cheers...to a possible new friendship” his smile was a little lopsided and Ellie found it endearing enough that she lifted her own bottle and clanked it against his. 

Lucas smiled wider and then took a sip. 

“Shit, that’s good” he said happily and Ellie couldn’t help but laugh. “Do you know how hard it is to find fresh beer these days? 30 year old stuff just doesn’t do it for me” 

“More of a whisky drinker myself” Ellie commented as she sipped the beer which she had to admit wasn’t bad. 

“Ah, the hard stuff?” he laughed and took another sip, Ellie shrugged not too sure what to say. She wasn’t good at this kind of thing, making friends was easier when you had Dina by your side doing most of the conversation. 

“So…” Lucas was trying here, and it made Ellie feel a little bad. 

“Why’d you wanna come out for beer?” she asked, sitting up a little straighter in her seat and trying not to look so damn awkward. 

“To get to know you, I guess” he shrugged. “Trying to make a new friend”

“Right” Ellie nodded.

“How am I doing?”

Ellie laughed. “Not too bad I guess”

“You guess? Wow, tough crowd huh?”

She pursed her lips and nodded, staring over his shoulder. Eye contact was overrated, right? 

“Would you not rather hang out with one of the guys?” she asked quietly. 

Lucas frowned and watched Ellie for a few moments, trying to figure out what she was thinking. “Honestly, gender didn’t play a part at all when I decided to talk to you,” he explained. “Should it?” he quickly added.

“I dunno”

“Would you rather hang out with a girl?”

“ _Fuck_ no, I’m useless at talking to girls” 

Lucas laughed heartily and took a swig of beer. “Same, man. Same”

He hesitated a moment before continuing. 

“I don’t - I don’t get this whole guys should be friends with guys, and girls should be friends with girls thing” he shrugged. “It’s so...old world” he muttered.

Ellie’s eyes shifted to finally take in his face, interest piqued by his words. 

“My kid adores yours, my girlfriend loves yours” he shrugged once more. “It made sense to talk with you. And well, you seemed kinda cool so I figured why not try spend more time with you”

Ellie was quiet for a few moments before nodding. “I appreciate it” she muttered softly. “Not a lot of people approach me these days,” she admitted. 

“Yeah well you do give off that ‘don’t fuck with me vibe’, so…” Lucas laughed softly as he lifted his bottle to his lips once more. Ellie rolled her eyes. 

“Yeah. So, _don’t_ fuck with me” she grumbled and took a sip of her own drink, but there was a slight smile on her lips telling him she was just messing around with him. 

Lucas smiled and watched Ellie for a moment, noting the way she wouldn’t hold his gaze for long. 

“She’s uh - she’s not my girlfriend you know…” she whispered as she began playing with the bottle in her hand, thinking about how easily he had referred to Dina that way. 

“No?”

Ellie shook her head. 

“Who’s fault is that?” Lucas asked, leaning back in his seat and watching Ellie interestedly.

Ellie scoffed. “Mine”

“So fix it” he shrugged. 

“Man, I _am_ trying” Ellie huffed and looked up at him.

“She was your girlfriend once though, right?”

“Yeah” Ellie nodded, gripping the bottle of beer tightly. 

“Okay...wasn’t sure if maybe you just got her pregnant and -”

“Fuck off, man” she rolled her eyes and Lucas laughed softly, a stupid smile on his face.

“So, what’d you do?”

“Fucked up” Ellie replied simply.

Lucas nodded. 

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Not really”

“Okay”

Silence fell between them and Ellie played with the label on her bottle and took another swig of the cold beer. 

“What do you do when you love someone so much it physically hurts?” she asked gently, biting her lip and glancing up at the man across from her. 

“Marry them” Lucas replied with a shrug, causing Ellie to laugh. 

“Are you guys -”

“No” he shook his head. 

Ellie nodded. 

“Thinking about it though” he admitted softly, looking up at her. 

“Oh yeah?”

Lucas nodded. “I mean, I know it doesn’t really matter much in this world, but I think it’d be nice right?”

“Right”

Lucas sipped his beer and Ellie watched him, realising the two of them might be pretty similar after all. 

“I thought about it once,” Ellie found herself admitting. 

“Just once?”

Ellie laughed softly. “Okay more than once. I uh - was gonna ask her before JJ was born”

“But you didn’t?”

“We hadn’t been together too long,” she explained. “I was scared she’d think I was doing it just because of the baby”

Lucas nodded. “Were you?”

“Sort of,” Ellie shrugged. 

“Do you still think about it?”

“All the time”

He smiled softly. 

“She’d look great in white” he shrugged. 

“She looks great in anything”

Lucas laughed softly. 

“Maybe one day?”

“Yeah, one day”

Another silence fell between them and Lucas finished his beer. 

“So...tell me I’m not alone in thinking this is going okay?” he asked and Ellie looked at him with raised eyebrows. “Another drink?”

She hesitated before nodding. “Yeah, sure”

Lucas smiled and stood up, heading back to the bar. 

Ellie sighed softly and sat back in her seat, watching him at the bar. He genuinely seemed a good guy, he could find better friends in town than her that was for sure. 

But she didn’t _hate_ his company. Perhaps Dina was right, perhaps this could be good for her? After all, who did she hang out with other than Dina and JJ? Cat, occasionally, but it was only a matter of time before Cat skipped town. Again. 

“So when are you and Dina getting back together?” Lucas asked as he returned to their table, sliding a whisky this time in front of Ellie. 

She took it with an appreciative smile and watched him for a few moments, glad that he wasn’t asking _why_ they weren’t together. It was nice that he didn’t seem to care what she had done to fuck things up, and just seemed to believe that things could be fixed. 

She shrugged after a few moments. 

“I mean, I see the way you look at her” he commented as he sipped his beer.

“You’ve only seen me around her once” Ellie pointed out.

“Yeah” he laughed. “But like you were giving her total hearteyes the whole time”

Ellie rolled her eyes. 

“It’s complicated,” she explained. “I mean, I think we’re getting back on track” she thought about the last couple weeks, the progress they had made, but despite that Ellie still wasn’t completely sure what they were to one another. She was scared to ask, scared that trying to put a label on it would be too much for Dina. 

“Way I see it - you clearly love her and JJ. The way you look at her - it’s like some pathetic lovestruck fool” he teased. Ellie rolled her eyes but didn’t comment, he wasn’t wrong. “And I mean, Dina talks about you constantly -”

“She does?”

“Yeah…” he shrugged. “I mean, I was starting to wonder if you were a figment of her imagination”

Ellie laughed softly and took a sip of her drink, Lucas grinned clearly proud of himself for making Ellie laugh. 

“I just - I guess I’m scared of rushing things, ruining them” Ellie explained and took another sip of beer. “The last couple weeks has felt like we’re making progress, like she definitely wants us to be a family again. But it’s scary, you know? I’m just trying to go at Dina’s pace” she admitted. 

Dina was one hundred percent leading this reunion between them, Ellie just went along with whatever the other woman offered, never tried to push for more, never really asked what Dina was thinking about it. 

Lucas nodded. “Yeah, I get that” he replied, his voice soft. “But the thing is, this world we live in, we don’t have a clue how long we’ve got” There was a sadness to his tone that made Ellie realise there was some kind of pain and loss behind his eyes. It really did seem as though they were alike. 

She sighed softly, she couldn’t argue with his words. 

“And well, I could totally be speculating here, but maybe Dina’s worried about going too fast for you?” he continued. 

Ellie chewed her lip and glanced at him, green eyes searching...well, green. 

“What have you got to lose by telling her you’re ready to be a family again?” Lucas asked with a shrug as he lifted his bottle to his lips and took a couple sips. 

“Everything”

Lucas shook his head. “You ain’t losing that girl, Ellie” 

“Man, you’ve been around for what a couple months?” Ellie raised her eyebrows as she looked over at the man. 

“Yeah” he laughed. “And the whole time I’ve had to listen to her talk about Ellie this, Ellie that” he teased. “I’m telling you, man, she wants this too. She’s probably just as scared”

Ellie sighed heavily and shrugged, maybe he had a point. “Yeah” she relented. “Yeah maybe you’re right”

Lucas smiled softly and took another sip of beer, his eyes fixed on Ellie. 

“Sorry, man, I’m not trying to interfere or anything, I just - she talks about you a lot, and I saw the way you were looking at her on Saturday” he explained. “I just think if you both want this then you gotta grab it before it’s too late, right?” he asked with a shrug. “Thing is, I know you’re trying to let things go at her pace and that’s great, but it’s your relationship too, you know?”

“Yeah” Ellie’s voice was soft as she stared down at the glass of whisky in front of her. 

She was terrified of messing things up with Dina, but Lucas was right, would it really harm things to just ask Dina what was happening between them? She needed those answers. She understood if Dina wanted to take it slow, but spending one night with Dina in her arms and the next two alone in her own bed was shit. She wanted them to be a family again, and she needed to know if Dina was ready for that. 

Even if she wasn’t it would at least help Ellie understand where they were. 

_It’s your relationship too_

Ellie lifted the glass to her lips and took a sip, it burnt her throat just the way she liked it. 

“If you don’t mind me asking...how old are you?” Lucas asked softly, sensing a change in subject was just about needed.

Ellie considered him a moment before offering the answer, “Twenty-one…”

Lucas nodded. 

“You?”

“Twenty” he replied.

Ellie nodded and did the math in her head.

“Guess we both ended up parents pretty young?” he smiled, clearly doing the same thing.

“Yeah” Ellie nodded. 

“And Dina?”

“She’s about six months older,” Ellie shrugged, they had both felt too young for all of this but then again they lived in a world where they’d had no choice but to grow up quickly.

“Hard isn’t it?”

“I still felt like a kid myself” Ellie admitted as she remembered that day she had walked into the room and saw her son for the first time. It had been terrifying but exciting all at once. It was a moment she’d never forget.

Lucas nodded. “I still do”

Ellie laughed softly. 

“Crazy isn’t it? That somehow we’re trusted to raise kids?”

“Tell me about it” Lucas laughed and shook his head, taking a drink. 

“How’d you - how come you came to Jackson?” Ellie asked him after a moment of just studying him. She remembered the scarring on his arm, an arm that was covered by his sleeve tonight. And when she looked into his eyes she could see that familiar pain that she saw in her own if she ever dared to look in a mirror. This guy was young but he’d been through some shit. 

“Uh - We were in a group” he began as he sat back in his seat, tilting his head slightly, biting his lip as he looked anywhere but at Ellie. “There were eleven of us and we just moved from place to place surviving, you know?” he shrugged as if it were a normal existence, it was these days she supposed. “It was fine. We had good friends, we felt relatively safe and we didn’t have responsibilities. But when we found out Nat was pregnant we knew we couldn’t carry on that way” he explained. “We’d heard of Jackson. Figured we had to come and find out if it was true, because moving around like that, it was no way to raise a baby” he shrugged and Ellie nodded. 

“The others didn’t want to come with us,” he admitted sadly. She could tell he still thought about his old life, wondered if he’d made the right decision. “I get it. We all trusted one another, we didn’t want to let others in. But me and Nat, we had to do what was right for our family”

“So you came to Jackson” Ellie smiled softly. 

“Yeah. Here we are” he smiled too, finally met her gaze. 

“Is it everything you dreamed of?” she asked with a teasing raised eyebrow. 

“I mean, it’s nice to have a roof over your head all the time” he agreed with a soft laugh.

“Yeah”

“And actual hot water?”

Ellie laughed this time. “Fuck, hot showers - couldn’t get enough of them when I first moved here. I was in there so long once that my whole body looked like a prune”

Lucas laughed heartily and it made Ellie smile to know that they could just joke about their lives together. 

“Kinda miss the adventure though, you know?”

Ellie nodded. It wasn’t exactly that she _loved_ the ‘adventure’ but she was a survivor, a part of her was sure she was fuelled by driving her knife into a Clicker. 

“Small town life too boring for you?” she asked as she sat back and folded her arms across her chest. 

“Come on, don’t tell me you don’t miss it” he asked with raised eyebrows.

“You don’t even know what I did before Jackson!”

“No, but I can see it in your eyes. And well - your scars”

Ellie lifted her eyebrows and glanced at Lucas’ sleeved arm. She wasn’t the only one bearing evidence of an adventurous life. 

They both fell silent and took a sip of their drinks.

“You could sign up for patrol duty?” Ellie suggested after a moment.

“Yeah I want to,” Lucas admitted. “Just - I haven’t been here too long, you know? Gotta build up the town’s trust”

“I could vouch for you?” Ellie shrugged.

Lucas looked at her, eyebrows risen slightly. “You got that kinda pull?”

“Eh, Maria is kinda family” she explained. “And besides, I need a new patrol buddy”

“Oh yeah? Do I dare ask why?”

“Broke the last one’s nose” Ellie admitted nonchalantly. 

“Oh shit” he laughed and shook his head. “What’d he do? I don’t wanna make the same mistake”

Ellie shrugged. “Had a problem with two women raising a kid together” she explained. 

“Yeah, okay. He had it coming”

Ellie smiled. 

“Seriously though, I could talk to Maria if you wanted me to?”

“Yeah. Yeah that’d be good” Lucas nodded, a happy smile on his face.

“Sure. I’ll give it a go” Ellie promised and lifted her glass once more. 

This could be good. She missed having someone she trusted on patrols with her, and Lucas seemed like the kind of guy you could trust. 

Occasionally Cat would join her on patrols but Ellie knew that wasn’t going to last. Cat would leave soon enough. It would be good to have a regular patrol partner, someone she could run the same routes with instead of just being asked to join whoever was on their own that day. 

“Thanks, man. I’d appreciate that” Lucas smiled softly. 

“Hey, let me get the next drinks…”

“You want another?” he asked, eyebrows raised. 

Ellie paused in the middle of standing up. Was it bad that she was going to have three drinks?

“Sorry, did you -”

Lucas shook his head quickly. “No I just - wasn’t sure if this was going well or not” he admitted with a soft laugh and Ellie smiled at that. Properly smiled. 

“Yeah it’s going well” she agreed. 

“Thank fuck for that” he breathed a sigh of relief and Ellie grinned. “I think Nat would kill me if we didn’t hit it off!”

“Why? She that desperate to get rid of you?” Ellie teased as she stood up. 

“Hey, you joke but your girlfriend fobbed you off on me tonight too” he reminded her. 

“Ugh” Ellie groaned and rolled her eyes. “ _Not_ my girlfriend” she reminded him. 

“Whatever, man” he laughed and watched as Ellie headed for the bar, a happy smile on his face. 

It felt like he’d made a friend. It felt good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for everyone still reading this, it means a lot to know so many of you are enjoying this <3
> 
> Still behind on replying to comments but I'll get there, they are really appreciated!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friday night is Bingo night!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of this is like Inception, memories within memories...hopefully it makes sense!
> 
> Also, in the UK Bingo is really nutty and the bingo callers have weird little descriptions of the numbers...not sure if that's a thing elsewhere across the world 🤨🤨🤨

_**A few years earlier** _

_“Fuck” Ellie muttered as her attempt to pull down a box of clothes - obviously the one balanced highest on top of her makeshift wardrobe - ended in it falling to the floor along with all the rest of the crap she’d thrown up there over the year._

_There was a good chance that she was overthinking all of this, but she was past the point of rationality as she tore through the box of old clothes looking for that **one** shirt. The one shirt that -_

_**”You look nice…” Dina commented, a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips as she looked over Ellie.** _

_**Ellie glanced down at herself, at the flannel shirt she had thrown on as an afterthought before leaving for stable duty that morning.** _

_**“Uh, thanks…” she’d muttered pathetically, eyes averting from Dina’s for the fear that her best friend would see the truth behind them. The truth of how she was Ellie’s every waking thought - and then of course there were the dreams, she definitely didn’t want Dina to know about the dreams.** _

_**“Brings out your eyes” Dina had smiled before biting her lip and casually brushing her fingers over Ellie’s shoulder as she reached for a rake. “Hopefully it won’t be ruined by the end of today” she teased and got to work cleaning out the stables.** _

_“I’m such an idiot” she huffed as she pulled out the shirt and lay it on her bed, trying to straighten it out. Maybe Joel had an iron?_

_No. He would just ask questions. Questions she definitely wasn’t interested in answering. Especially for him._

_“Fuck it” she sighed and crouched down to gather everything back up, and throwing them back on top of the wardrobe._

_Once things were tidy she fell back onto her bed with a heavy sigh and stared up at the ceiling. She was being stupid, wasn’t she?_

_She glanced to her side, saw her journal resting on the bedside table where she had last left it._

_“What the hell”, she muttered and reached over, grabbing it and opening it onto the most recently used page, her finger tracing the words she had written a few nights ago._

_**Dina asked if I was gonna go to the dance...and she touched my arm...ARGHH! I’m so delusional. Don’t be an idiot. She’s like that with everyone.** _

_**Don’t fuck up your friendship! DON’T FUCK UP YOUR FRIENDSHIP!!!** _

_“Might be too late for that” she whispered frustratedly as she closed the book and dropped it onto the bed beside her._

_She was falling in love with her best friend._

_It was terrifying._

_And there was nothing she could do about it._

_She sighed heavily, pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes, hoping to calm herself._

_But closing her eyes was a bad idea, because all she could see now was Dina’s smile, the way Dina had looked at her a few nights ago as they sat around the bonfire - the last two people there and to Ellie, the only two people in the entire world._

_**”I broke up with Jesse…” Dina had mumbled once the last of their group had headed home, leaving just her and Ellie still sitting around the dying embers of the bonfire. “Last week…”** _

_**“Oh…” Ellie hadn’t known what to say, her eyes widening at the admission. “I uh - I’m sorry…” she offered.** _

_**Dina shrugged and glanced up at Ellie from behind lidded eyes. “It’s okay. It was - it was time” she said softly.** _

_**“Did he -”** _

_**“Do anything? No” Dina shook her head. “No he’s - he’s Jesse. He’s a great guy I just - I didn’t feel that way about him anymore, you know?”** _

_**Ellie swallowed nervously and nodded. “Yeah I guess the same happened with me and Cat” she explained, trying to be supportive of her friend even if her head was filled with all kinds of inappropriate thoughts at the knowledge that Dina was now single.** _

_**“I thought Cat ended things?”** _

_**“She did” Ellie shrugged, glanced over at the orange flames rather than at Dina. “But I didn’t feel the same about her anymore, it was time”** _

_**Dina nodded and stayed quiet for a few moments. “Yeah, I get it” she whispered.** _

_**“Is there uhm - is there someone else?” Ellie asked, brow pursed and her head low, glancing up at Dina almost scared to hear the answer.** _

_**“Why? Are you interested?” Dina teased, a wiggle of her own brow that did something to Ellie.** _

_**“No, I -” Ellie quickly averted her eyes, feeling her face flush and hoping she could blame the heat of the fire for it. “Of course not” she laughed humorlessly.** _

_**Fuck. What would Dina do if she were just honest? If she just told her yes, she was very much interested. To the point where her best friend was the only thing she thought about.** _

_**“Hm” she could feel the heat of Dina’s gaze, so much hotter than that of the flames of the bonfire. “I don’t know” she heard her best friend finally answer her question. “Maybe” she shrugged and it was like a knife through Ellie’s heart.** _

_**Of course someone else had caught Dina’s eye.** _

_**It’ll never be you, she told herself, eyes fixed firmly on the fire once more.** _

_**“So…” Dina said after a few moments, sitting up a little straighter. “You just brought that thing for show or -”** _

_**Ellie lifted her head and saw Dina nod towards the guitar that rested against the log they both sat on.** _

_**“Did Joel never tell you if you get a girl alone by the campfire you really ought to make the most of it” Dina teased, that familiar glint in her eyes as she looked at Ellie. “Especially a newly single girl” she added with a lopsided grin.** _

_**Ellie laughed properly at that.** _

_**“What can I say, those Miller boys haven’t a clue how to romance a woman” she chuckled lightly, glad for the banter, she could do this, she could joke with Dina. That came so naturally.** _

_**“Hm, neither do the Miller girls”, Dina teased, still smiling.** _

_**Ellie locked her gaze with her for a few more moments before shrugging and reaching for the guitar, pulling it into her lap.** _

_**Dina bit her lip in anticipation, her eyes didn’t once leave Ellie as she played the song, voice soft as she sang along to the notes she picked on the strings of the guitar.** _

_**And when it was over there’d been a moment that had felt like a lifetime where Dina had stared at her and Ellie had stared back.** _

_**She wanted to kiss her. And it would be easy. All she had to do was lean in because somehow, at some point, Dina had shifted closer. She only had to dip her head and her lips could finally taste Dina’s.** _

_**And it almost felt as though Dina was waiting for it too.** _

_**But what if she was wrong?** _

_**In the end she was a coward, cleared her throat and moved to place the guitar down.** _

_**And just like that, the moment was gone.** _

_A heavy sigh escaped Ellie, her arm flung dramatically across her face as she lay on her bed thinking over the memories._

_It had **felt** as if Dina had been flirting. But then again that was just how Dina was, right? She was like that with everyone. And Ellie was overthinking it all._

_But -_

_**”Thanks” Dina whispered softly.** _

_**“For what?”** _

_**“Walking me home…”** _

_**“Oh right”, Ellie nodded awkwardly. “Sure” she offered a tiny smile, reached her hand up to rub her neck - one of many nervous ticks - only to hit the neck of the guitar that was slung over her back. “Fuck”** _

_**Dina chuckled lightly at Ellie’s clumsiness.** _

_**Real smooth, Williams. She chided herself.** _

_**Silence fell over them as they both awkwardly stood outside Dina’s home, Ellie’s eyes on the ground and Dina’s on Ellie.** _

_**This was the part where you were meant to kiss the girl, right?** _

_**The part where you were supposed to tell her how much you enjoyed tonight, that you wanted to do it again. With her, and only her, never with anyone else.** _

_**But Dina didn’t feel the way that Ellie did. She couldn’t possibly.** _

_**“Okay well, I’ll see you tomorrow I guess?” Ellie shrugged, lifting her eyes, and if she’d paid more attention she might have seen the flash of disappointment in the dark depths of Dina’s eyes.** _

_**“Yeah…” Dina nodded, shoulders dropping slightly in disappointment.** _

_**“Night, D…” Ellie muttered, ready to take her leave when her best friend reached out.** _

_**“Hey, Ellie…” her small hand came to rest on Ellie’s arm, squeezing her bicep lightly. “Are you gonna go to the winter dance?” she asked in a voice that was so small it hardly felt like it had come from Dina.** _

_**“Oh uh -” Ellie’s eyes were fixed on Dina’s hand on her arm, but she lifted them to meet Dina’s, darting around searching for any sign of what Dina was thinking. “I dunno,” she admitted.** _

_**“Might be fun” Dina shrugged.** _

_**“Yeah” A dance? Fun?** _

_**“Well uhm, maybe I’ll see you there?”** _

_**Ellie nodded. “Yeah. Maybe” she smiled tightly, their gazes locking for a moment before Dina’s hand dropped from Ellie’s arm.** _

_**“Okay well, goodnight” she smiled softly, offering one lingering look at Ellie before turning and making her way into her home.** _

_\---_

_It had taken a **lot** of whisky and a pep talk of sorts from Cat but finally Ellie made it into the church. _

_She had immediately made a beeline for the bar, propping herself up against it with a fresh glass of whisky in hand. And when she had finally lifted her eyes and focused on the dance it had only taken moments to spot her._

_She was a vision in that burgundy sweater. A beautiful smile, strands of hair curling against her ears, laughter in her voice as she danced with her partner._

_There really was no going back. Ellie knew it was too late. She had fallen deeply in love with her best friend and she didn’t think she could ever make this feeling go away._

_**Don’t fuck up your friendship. Don’t fuck up your friendship. Don’t fuck -** _

_“I hate these things”_

_Ellie swallowed, lifted her eyes to glance at Jesse._

_**Fuck. Do not fuck up this friendship either.** _

_She scoffed. “Tell me about it”_

\---

“I cannot believe we’re doing this” Ellie huffed as they walked down the dimly lit street. 

“Ellie!”

“What?!” 

“I thought we agreed to go in with a positive mindset?”

“No” Ellie shook her head. “ _You_ agreed to that, I didn’t!”

“It can’t be _that_ bad” Dina insisted to which Ellie just raised her eyebrows, she clearly thought it could. Dina rolled her eyes and laughed, reaching out and grabbing Ellie’s hand in both of hers. “Come on” she insisted and dragged the other woman towards the community center. 

\---

It _was_ that bad. 

“I fucking told you” Ellie muttered, leaning closer to Dina under the guise of taking her bingo marker. 

“Shh” Dina scolded and Ellie rolled her eyes. 

Dina was _definitely_ acting serious about bingo just to piss Ellie off, Ellie was sure of it. 

Ellie sighed and uncapped the marker, sitting back in her seat and pretending to care. 

“Pay attention” Dina nudged Ellie amusedly. 

“Legs eleven, number eleven” shouted the caller, an elderly woman who Ellie had seen around town before but had never spoken to. 

Dina scanned her card and then looked over at Ellie’s. “Ellie!” she nudged her again. “Are you paying attention or not?”

“Not” Ellie huffed and Dina rolled her eyes, leaning across Ellie’s side of the table and marking off the eleven on her sheet. 

“You know if this were a first date you wouldn’t be getting a second, right?” Dina grumbled as she tried to pay attention. 

“This _is_ our first date” Ellie shrugged from where she was slouched so low in her chair Dina was convinced she was going to slide beneath the table at any moment. 

“Oh?” Dina glanced over at her. “Well in that case - thanks for tonight but I don’t think it’s going to work out between us…” 

Ellie rolled her eyes. 

“Okay okay, I’ll take this seriously” she huffed and sat up in her seat, eyes on the front of the room. 

“Thank you” Dina smiled and pressed a kiss to Ellie’s cheek. 

Ellie heard the tutting behind her and forced herself to keep her eyes forward. 

“Unlucky for some, number 13”

“Every number’s unlucky if it doesn’t end this torture” Ellie muttered under her breath and Dina rolled her eyes but watched the other woman affectionately. 

And when someone _finally_ shouted out ‘Bingo’ Ellie let out a “Oh thank God!” and slouched back in her seat as she watched people start to get up and move. 

“You know it’s not over yet, right?” Dina asked with a raised eyebrow. 

“But she won -” Ellie frowned and gestured in the direction of the winners table. 

“Yeah. _That_ game” 

“Fuck me” Ellie sighed dramatically. 

Dina opened her mouth to comment but thought better of it as she realised their surroundings and got out her next bingo card. 

“Come on, Ellie. It’s not _so_ bad” Dina insisted, laughing softly as she saw Ellie’s raised eyebrow. “We’re together, right?”

“Not _quite_ how I imagined our night together” Ellie admitted. 

“The night’s still young, Ellie”

“No, Dina. _We_ are still young” Ellie replied with raised eyebrows and nodded to the people around them who were certainly _not_ young. “We should be out doing - I don’t know, young people stuff”

“Maybe I like bingo?”

“You like bingo?” Ellie’s raised eyebrows said everything and Dina smiled. 

“I _like_ spending time with you, I don’t care what we’re doing” she explained and Ellie couldn’t help but smile softly at that, reaching out and squeezing Dina’s hand. “Besides, we can’t sneak out now. It’ll be obvious and we’ll be the talk of the town!”

Ellie shook her head and shifted closer, arm sliding around Dina. “Babe, I’m stealthy as fuck” 

“Somehow I don’t think you commando crawling across the floor is going to go unnoticed in here, babe”

Ellie rolled her eyes. “Fine” she muttered and just focused on how nice it felt to have Dina in her arms once more. 

Dina sighed happily and leant into Ellie’s hold as they waited for things to get started again. It didn’t take long before Ellie got bored of waiting and dipped her head slightly to press a few soft kisses to Dina’s exposed neck. 

At first Dina let out a contented sigh, but as Ellie continued, her lips making their way across the expanse of the smaller woman’s neck Dina came to her senses, realising where they were. 

“Ellie...stop it” she muttered. 

“Seth’s sitting behind us” Ellie replied simply. 

Dina smiled softly, and let her eyes fall shut as she nodded. “Okay, carry on”

Ellie grinned and pressed a few more soft kisses to Dina’s neck and jaw, smiling wider at every tut and irritated sigh she heard from behind them. 

_Bigot_

“Okay stop, it’s starting again” Dina laughed and playfully pushed her away. Ellie pressed one more kiss to Dina’s jaw before sitting back up straight in her seat and grabbing her marker, ready to show Dina just how serious she could take this. 

She could be the Bingo fuckin’ master. 

Dina couldn’t help her smile as she watched the slight furrow of Ellie’s brow, the adorable scrunch of her nose, as she focused completely on what was happening around her. 

\---

“How the fuck do these old fogeys keep up with this?” she muttered as she quickly tried to scan her card and mark off the numbers. “Dina! Are you even paying attention?” she asked, reaching across the table and pulling Dina’s card closer, marking those off too. 

Dina couldn’t help the soft smile that crossed her face as she lovingly looked at Ellie. It was sweet, the fact that she had finally started taking this seriously just because Dina had asked it of her. It made Dina’s heart ache with happiness. 

“You know there’s another break coming up…” Dina muttered softly, watching the way Ellie’s eyes were scanning all of the cards in front of her. 

“Yeah, yeah just let me concentrate and then I’ll -”

“Maybe we could sneak out?”

Ellie’s eyebrows shot up and she looked towards Dina. 

“Eight and blank, number 80” the Bingo caller’s words went unnoticed by Ellie who was staring at Dina. 

The “Bingo!” shouted out by the same woman that had won before didn’t go unnoticed. 

“Motherfucker!” she shouted, slamming her fist down on the table annoyed at how her lapse in concentration had allowed this old woman to win again. 

The entire hall went quiet and eyes fell on her and Dina. 

“Yeah okay let’s go” she agreed and Dina laughed, quickly standing up.

She muttered a quick “sorry” to the onlookers before dragging Ellie out of the community center before she could cause another scene. 

“You’re such a dick” she grinned as they reached the fresh air outside, a stupid grin on her face. 

“I can’t believe you let me lose to _her_!” Ellie argued but there was a stupid smile on her face. 

“I’m sorry” Dina laughed and tugged Ellie close, “How will I ever make it up to you?”

“I don’t know that you can” Ellie shrugged, biting her lip as she stepped closer, looking down at Dina.

“Are you sure about that?” Asked the smaller girl as she lifted her brow and looked up at Ellie. 

Ellie grinned, watching Dina step closer, waiting until the last moment to pull away and shrug off her jacket, wrapping it around Dina’s shoulders. 

Dina’s brow furrowed slightly as she glanced at it, her hands going to grasp it close. 

“S’cold” Ellie muttered as a way of explanation before, “Come on, I’ve got an idea…”

“An idea? Of what? How I can make it up to you?” Dina asked quizzically. 

“Just - shut up and follow me”

“Wow, you’re useless at talking to women”

“Why do you think I’m with you?” Ellie shrugged and took Dina’s hand, leading her down the street.

“I don’t even know what that’s meant to mean…”

“It means that I don’t have to try so hard with you,” Ellie muttered. 

“Wow” Dina rolled her eyes but there was a happy smile on her face as she let Ellie lead her through Jackson. “Where are we going?”

“You’ll see”

Ellie’s simple reply intrigued Dina and she stayed quiet until they reached the very familiar street. 

“Wait, are you just trying to get me to come home with you?” she smirked as she saw the familiar gate that led to Ellie’s home. “Because -” Dina stopped mid-sentence when she saw what was in front of her. 

The garden of Joel’s old house, just next to Ellie’s converted garage home, had been set up with a blanket and some pillows and fairy lights strung up above it.

“What...when did you do this…” Dina asked, clearly surprised. 

Ellie shrugged as if it weren’t a big deal.

“I knew you’d get bored of bingo so…”

Dina smiled brightly. 

“Remember how we used to do this all the time when we were kids?” Ellie asked, sheepishly rubbing her neck, still a little worried that Dina might not like it. 

Dina nodded in response to Ellie’s question, her eyes still fixed on the setup in the garden, so much like the camping sleepovers they’d had so many times when they were younger. 

“Wanted to kiss you every damn time” Ellie admitted softly. 

Dina smiled at that and looked up Ellie, “This time you can…” she whispered. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah…” she nodded.

Ellie smiled softly and took a step closer, her heart skipping as Dina’s eyes brightened and their gazes met. She hesitated only momentarily, her eyes dropping to Dina’s lips before she leant in and captured them in a gentle kiss. 

She felt Dina melt into her immediately and her hands fell to the shorter girl’s waist, deepening the kiss as Dina’s arms wrapped around her neck and held her close. 

This was what they’d fought their whole lives for. These perfect quiet moments where it was just the two of them, or the three of them once JJ had been born. 

But then Dina broke away, a small frown settling on Ellie’s face as she glanced down at her.

“Go get the guitar” she muttered.

“What?” Ellie asked, confusion clear in her tone.

“It’s not completely romantic until you get the guitar” Dina shrugged. 

“Wow you’re demanding” Ellie made a show of rolling her eyes and Dina just shrugged.

“I know what I like”

“I like you,” Ellie grinned. 

Dina opened her mouth to say something but stopped herself, instead winking at Ellie and making her way over to the blankets. 

Ellie let out a soft sigh and watched the girl she loved for a moment longer before making the short journey to her front door to collect the guitar. 

By the time she walked back outside, guitar in hand, Dina had made herself comfortable amongst the blanket and pillows, a smile stretching across her face as she saw Ellie walking back over. 

“You know I can’t really…”

“I’m sure you can…” Dina insisted as Ellie sat down beside her. 

Ellie sighed softly and pulled the guitar onto her lap, not particularly confident in her ability to play it left-handed. 

“El…” Dina reached out, her hand gently squeezing Ellie’s knee. “Don’t overthink it, just play whatever” she shrugged. “I just love watching you play” She loved how content Ellie looked when she played guitar, she loved the slight furrow of her brow which signalled her concentration. 

“If it sounds like shit -”

“It won’t”

Ellie hesitated a moment longer before positioning her fingers on the fretboard. It felt so strange to do this with her left hand. Slowly she began to finger pick a few chords, trying to feel familiar with the movement once more. 

Dina watched patiently, a soft smile spreading across her face as Ellie began to play the familiar notes and sang the song she remembered from the music store in Seattle. 

“I thought you said you couldn’t play?” Dina asked softly once the song ended. 

Ellie shrugged, her eyes on the ground, clearly a little embarrassed. 

“El, it was beautiful” she insisted, gently squeezing her knee. “Now I can remember this moment instead of having to think of the time in Seattle”

Ellie shrugged again, “Just one of the easier ones to play left-handed”

Dina smiled softly and leaned closer, pressing a soft kiss to Ellie’s cheek, “You really don’t like attention or praise do you?” she smiled. 

“I don’t know” Ellie laughed softly, and carefully placed the guitar down by her side and turned her attention to Dina. 

Dina lay back on the blanket and reached for Ellie’s hand, tugging her down with her. 

“I love that you did this” she whispered as she waited for Ellie to lay back and then immediately moved to lay against her, head on Ellie’s shoulder and arm draping across Ellie’s stomach. 

“Well, I couldn’t exactly count on bingo night to romance you” she teased, her own arm wrapping around Dina. 

“I don’t know, I was kinda into how seriously you were taking it” Dina teased. 

Ellie smiled softly and turned sliightly to press a kiss to the top of Dina’s head. “I miss this”

“What’s that?”

“Just -” she shrugged. “Laying out here, looking up at the stars”

“Pretending you’re in space?” Dina teased softly. 

Ellie smiled. 

“Do you still wanna be up there? All on your own?” the darker haired girl asked and Ellie shook her head. 

“No,” she admitted honestly. “Everything I could ever want is down here on Earth, you and JJ are all I need,” she said simply. 

This time Dina smiled. 

It was peaceful like this, just the two of them laying together under the night sky, knowing that they were well on their way to being a family again. 

Dina couldn’t really remember the last time she had felt this content. And it was all down to Ellie. Ever since she’d returned from California Ellie had given everything to make Dina and JJ happy, had worked on her own issues to try and be what they needed. 

It didn’t go unnoticed by Dina. It touched her heart that somehow, after everything Ellie had been through, that there was still room in her best friend to love her. And not just love her, but to fiercely love her.

After Ellie had explained what had happened in Santa Barbara Dina had found herself astounded that Ellie had found the strength to make it home. She had seen the physical wounds, and the mental ones too. If Ellie had never returned to Jackson it would have been understandable.

But she had. Because no one loved more fiercely than Ellie Williams, and somehow Dina was the subject of that love. Dina and her son. _Their_ son. 

How had she gotten this lucky? She could never have imagined someone would fight so hard just for a chance to have a family with her. 

“Ellie?” Dina whispered after a few more minutes of comfortable silence, of contemplate everything Ellie had achieved over the last few months, her head still resting against the other woman’s shoulder. 

“Yeah?”

“I love you…”

Ellie’s heart stopped and she turned her head to stare at Dina a little dumbfounded. 

“El…” 

Had she said the wrong thing?

“Fuck. I -” Dina watched her confusedly. “Yes” she muttered and Dina laughed softly as Ellie processed her words. “I love _you_ ” Ellie finally settled on, a grin plastered across her face, a happy laugh escaping her.

Dina grinned back.

“Real smooth, Williams” she teased. 

“Shut up” Ellie huffed.

“Make me” Dina waggled her eyebrows suggestively and it was all Ellie needed to lift her body slightly and capture Dina’s lips in a bruising kiss. 

It didn’t take much encouragement for Ellie’s body to move over Dina’s and the smaller woman’s hands immediately shifted to Ellie’s waist, eager to keep her right there above her. 

Ellie kissed her with a renewed passion. She kissed her like she had back in Eugene’s basement, without any worries, without holding back. It was passion but it was so much more. It was a fire that couldn’t be doused, a love that would burn through them both for the rest of their days until they were nothing but ashes. 

Dina moaned softly, caught off guard by the intensity behind Ellie’s kiss. Her hands moved to wrap around the other woman’s arms, squeezing lightly at the muscle she found there. It had always been one of her favourite parts of Ellie’s body, the strong muscle she possessed. 

She could remember the days they had spent working at the dam, or cleaning stables. She would be easily distracted as she just watched the subtle flex of Ellie’s muscles as she worked. 

Ellie’s lips moved slowly against Dina’s, as if relearning the movements, and she supposed that perhaps that was exactly what they were doing. And when they finally broke away the two of them were breathing heavily. 

“That was…” Dina breathed softly, eyes searching those beautiful green ones that she adored. 

“That was nothing” Ellie shrugged, a stupid smile on her face.

“Nothing?” Dina laughed as she grinned up at her. 

“Just the start” Ellie replied, her voice was a little husky and it did things to Dina. 

“Wow. That’s a big promise, Ellie” she grinned up at her. 

“I keep my promises”

“Yeah. Yeah you do” Dina agreed before she leant up to brush her lips against Ellie’s once more. The taller woman leaned down a little and soon the kiss was heated again.

Dina got lost in the kiss, in the feel of Ellie above her, in the feeling of someone loving her without obligation. But most of all, the feeling of belonging. Because that’s exactly what this was, it was coming home and it was _belonging_ to Ellie. 

Her hands slid to Ellie’s waist, beneath the flannel shirt that covered her body from the chill of the evening and slipped beneath the soft cotton of the t-shirt she wore. 

Methodically she untucked it, Ellie was wearing way too many layers. 

She allowed herself a moment to trail her fingers across the hard planes of Ellie’s torso, revelling in the way her love’s breath hitched at her touch. 

Lazily Dina responded to the way Ellie’s lips moved against hers, but she didn’t resist the fight for dominance as the other woman’s tongue met hers, she was too focused on trying to unbutton the flannel shirt. 

Ellie could command the kiss, but Dina wanted this. 

Her fingers made quick work of the buttons and her hands slid up strong arms to broad shoulders. 

This would be so much easier if Ellie didn’t have to repeatedly take her breath away with the way she kissed, Dina mused to herself as she took a moment to refocus and began to push the shirt from Ellie’s shoulders. 

The two had to break away slightly for the shirt to fall to the ground but Ellie took the opportunity as a chance to switch the attention of her lips instead to Dina’s neck. It took Dina’s breath away in a completely different way. 

A soft moan escaped the dark haired woman as Ellie somehow found that perfect spot of tender skin to trail soft kisses against. She was sure Ellie knew her body better than she did her own at this point. 

Again Dina’s fingers reached for the hem of Ellie’s t-shirt, slowly tugging at it, desperate for it to join the shirt on the ground beside them. 

“What’re you doing?” Ellie mumbled against her neck and Dina could feel the smile on Ellie’s lips pressing to her skin.

“You’re wearing too much” 

Dina’s eyes were closed but she didn’t need to open them to see Ellie’s raised eyebrow. 

“ _You’re_ wearing too much” Ellie countered. 

“Then do something about it”

“Not out here” 

“Then do something about that too” Dina chuckled and Ellie huffed, lifting her head to meet her gaze. “Take me back to yours, Ellie?” She whispered. 

Ellie didn’t need to be asked twice, she lifted her body off of Dina’s and got to her feet, offering her hand to help the other woman up. Dina took her hand gratefully and stood, pressing a chaste kiss to Ellie’s cheek before letting her lead her across the grass to her front door. 

It felt like it took forever for Ellie to open the door but in reality it was only seconds before they were stumbling through, lips on one another’s as Ellie fumbled for the light switch. 

And as a soft light bathed over them Dina glanced around the suspiciously tidy home. 

“You actually made the bed?” She asked with raised eyebrows. “Someone was hoping to get lucky”

“Being with you is beyond luck, it’s a dream come true” Ellie replied simply, her arm still tight around Dina’s waist. 

“Can you stop being romantic when I’m trying to tease you?”

“Can you quit teasing when I’m trying to show you how much you mean to me?”

Dina watched her silently for a few moments.

“Okay...show me” she agreed, laughing happily as Ellie lifted her into her arms and carried her to the bed. “Fuck, I forget how strong you are” she chuckled as she lay back on the familiar pillows. 

“You’re just light” Ellie shrugged as Dina pulled her down onto the bed with her. 

“No. You’re my super strong and sexy -“ 

Dina’s words were interrupted by a soft gasp as her lips were captured in a rough kiss. She reached out, tugged Ellie properly over her and moved her hands to the hem of her t-shirt. 

This time when she tugged Ellie didn’t refuse and instead broke the kiss just long enough for Dina to peel it off of her. 

“You’re perfect, Ellie” Dina whispered, her fingers trailing over the scars that littered Ellie’s torso, her dark eyes following the path of her hands. 

“M’not” Ellie mumbled embarrassedly and it only made Dina’s heart swell with the love she felt for this woman who had been alone for so long that she could barely even take a compliment. 

But she’d never be alone again. Dina wouldn’t allow it. 

“You are to me” Dina shrugged as she smiled up at her best friend. “You’re -“ she bit her lip, let her eyes roam over Ellie once more, breath hitching at the way just looking at her made her heart skip. “You’re the love of my life, El”, she whispered, eyes searching Ellie’s desperate for her feelings to be requited. 

Ellie smiled, that beautiful shy smile that had first caught Dina’s eye all those years ago. “You’re mine too” she admitted softly. “There’ll never be anyone else” 

And that was all they needed. To know that despite everything that had happened there was nothing that could come between them anymore. They were meant to be and they _would_ be. 

Dina, Ellie and JJ. 

—-

“You never told me how it went with Lucas?” 

Dina turned her head slightly to glance at Ellie over her shoulder, her hand tightening in Ellie’s across her stomach. 

“Yeah it was good” she felt Ellie shrug from how closely her body was pressed against Dina’s back.

“Just good?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I dunno”

Dina chuckled lightly, shifting in Ellie’s arms so that she could turn to look at her. Ellie offered a small smile as Dina turned to her and moved onto her back, immediately knowing that Dina wanted to cuddle up to her chest, her head rested on Ellie’s shoulder.

It seemed some things never changed between them. 

“So are you going to see him again?”

“You sound like you’re setting us up on a date” Ellie huffed.

“Well, I am” she laughed. “A friend date” 

Ellie rolled her eyes. 

“You like him, right?” Dina asked softly. 

“Yeah he seems a good guy”

“He is. And I like Nat and JJ likes Olly, so it would be good if -“

“I’ve spoken to Maria about him maybe being my new patrol partner” Ellie admitted, averting her eyes.

“Oh wow. Okay so you _do_ like him?” Dina laughed, pressing closer to Ellie. “Should I be worried??” She teased.

“Pfft” Ellie rolled her eyes. “After the things I just did to you? You’re worried I’m interested in someone else?” She teased, a small smile desperate to break onto her face. 

“Good point” Dina hummed happily. “So what did Maria say?”

“She’s gonna give us one of the easier routes, let us both see how it goes”

“When?” 

“Uh, Monday”

“Have you told him yet?”

“Haven’t seen him”

“Ellie!” She slapped her stomach.

“Ow!”

“Go to his house and tell him!” 

“He might not want me to turn up at his house!” Ellie argued.

“You are insufferable” Dina huffed. “He has a girlfriend and baby, he can’t just pick up a patrol shift at a moment’s notice. Not everyone’s as laid back as you about these things”

“I’m not laid back”

Dina’s eyebrows rose. “Remember when I told you the baby was coming? And you still went out on patrol?”

“In fairness I didn’t believe you” Ellie admitted sheepishly. 

“Wow”

“I didn’t! You just said it on instinct!” Ellie argued, turning her head to look at Dina. 

“Yeah and my instinct was right” Dina reminded her with a small smile. “You’re the worst, Ellie” she huffed as she playfully punched the other woman. 

“I turned up in the end, didn’t I?”

“Once the hard work was done, yeah” Dina laughed softly at the memory of a shell shocked Ellie turning up in the infirmary, rifle slung over her shoulder and eyes wide at the sight of their newborn son. 

Ellie scoffed and just tightened her arm around Dina. 

“Lucas gave me some advice…” she admitted after a few moments. 

Dina raised her eyebrows interestedly and shifted her head slightly so she could properly look at Ellie. 

“He told me that I should be honest with you, about what I want,” Ellie shrugged. “Be clear about what I want”

“And what do you want?” Dina whispered, dark eyes searching Ellie’s face, a tinge of nervousness in her tone. 

“Everything” Ellie admitted, eyes widening briefly as she shrugged, her brow puckering embarrassed by her admission. She bit her lip, her eyes turned away from Dina as she thought over the right words, as she thought over everything Lucas had said. 

_It’s your relationship too._

“I don’t want to go slow” she whispered, swallowing thickly and daring a glance at Dina before her eyes darted away once more. Her eyes fell shut as she tried to focus on getting out the words she knew she needed to say. “And it’s - it’s okay if you do want to” She would go as slow as Dina wanted, but she didn’t want this to be for her benefit because she was ready. “But if you don’t either...then -” she sighed softly. 

“I guess what I’m trying to say is - I want to be a family again” her eyes stared ahead of her as she lifted her free arm and gestured into the air above her. “I’m _ready_ to be a family again” she whispered, pursing her lips as she glanced to Dina, worried of how the other woman would react. 

“That’s what I want too” Dina whispered and Ellie almost let out a breath of relief, “But -” she squeezed her eyes shut, bit her lip waiting to hear what Dina said. “I need you to promise me -”

“I’m better, Dina,” she interrupted, eyes opening to search the other girl’s desperately. 

“I know you are, Ellie” she shifted so that she was laying on her side and could properly look at the woman beside her, her fingers gently brushing across Ellie’s forearm. “But it’s - there’s still more to work through” her voice was timid, as if she were scared of saying the wrong thing. 

Ellie was quiet as Dina spoke, chewing the inside of her cheek worriedly. What if none of it was enough? What if Dina couldn’t see them ever being a proper family again because she couldn’t trust how Ellie might react to things, or how she might lose control to one of her attacks again?

“Yeah” she whispered, a lump in her throat. 

“And there’s nothing wrong with that, but if we do this -” Dina paused, she could tell from Ellie’s body language that she was assuming the worst. She sighed softly and pressed closer to Ellie, tangling their fingers together as she pressed a kiss to her cheek. “I need you to promise that you’re going to talk to me. That you’re going to let me help you through whatever’s going on in that head of yours” she pressed a kiss to the side of Ellie’s head as if to drill home her words. 

Ellie nodded.

“You don’t have to do any of this alone, El” she whispered gently, her body pressed tight against Ellie’s now, wanting to make sure the other woman knew that she was being serious, she wanted them to be a family again more than anything. “I told you before, everything that’s happening to you is completely understandable, it makes you human and it makes me love you even more” she admitted. 

Ellie’s brow furrowed and she looked at Dina with wide eyes, confused by her words. “I was so scared I’d lost you to the hatred, that there was nothing left of my best friend” Dina explained with a shrug. “But I didn't,” she smiled gently. “I know you’re hurting, and that’s not just going to change overnight, but I need you to understand that everything you’re feeling is okay” she lifted her eyes to meet Ellie’s, hoping that she could see the truth behind them. “It’s okay to be human. It’s more than fucking okay, Ellie” she whispered. 

Ellie let out a soft sigh and nodded, feeling a little overwhelmed by just how much Dina and her words meant to her. 

“And it doesn’t make you any less of a Mom to JJ” she insisted. “You need to stop worrying about hurting him, because you won’t, you -”

“You don’t know that”

Dina gave her a look that told her to shut up and let her finish, Ellie acquiesced. 

“I know _you_ , Ellie. You would do anything for your son” she said simply. “So -” Dina let out a soft breath, her eyes glazing over slightly as she looked into Ellie’s. “Let’s be a family again” she whispered, voice breaking with the emotion, the weight of it all. “Let’s be a family and we’ll take it a day at a time, and we’ll overcome anything _together _. Yeah?”__

__Ellie smiled brightly and nodded. “Yeah” she whispered, her own voice breaking._ _

__“I love you, Ellie”_ _

__“I love you too” she whispered as Dina lifted her body slightly, lips meeting Ellie’s in a soft and loving kiss._ _

__This was it. This was their forever._ _

__They’d be a family again no matter what. Nothing was going to stand in the way of that._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always for reading, leaving kudos and commenting - it's much appreciated!! 
> 
> Hopefully the next chapter will arrive a _little_ sooner, but work is crazy at the moment.
> 
> Which goes half way to explain why I'm so behind on replying to all your lovely comments, but I'll get there. I promise!


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Come and get your Lucas/Ellie fix because it's time for patrol!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight warning that this chapter contains some detail of a panic attack, just in case anyone would like to avoid reading that!
> 
> Also, thanks to WinchesterFoxx for her help in making sure parts of this chapter were written right. Much appreciated, mate!

_**A few years earlier** _

_“I can’t believe this is our lives now…”_

_“Yeah?”_

_Ellie smiled softly as she reached out for Dina’s hand, their fingers tangling as she held them aloft, eyes reveling in the way they fit together so perfectly._

_“I never thought I’d even have a chance to kiss you” she admitted softly, eyes shifting to look at the woman laying beside her._

_“Why not?”_

_“Well...you were with Jesse” she shrugged. “And you seemed happy with him. And even if you guys broke up I figured you’d only be interested in guys” she admitted gently._

_“That’s what I figured too,” Dina whispered. “And then you walked into my life”_

_Ellie’s eyes searched those of her girlfriend’s as she waited for her to continue._

_“I uhm -“ Dina raised her brow and shrugged, chuckling embarrassedly. “I mean, it didn’t happen straight away” she explained, dark gaze fixing on Ellie’s. “But slowly as we began to spend more time together my night’s started to become filled with just thinking about the way you looked at me, or the way you smiled at me, and it always made my heart race in a way I didn’t understand”_

_Ellie smiled softly and squeezed her hand. Dina continued._

_“I started trying to do more things that would make you smile at me like that” she admitted softly. “Because I desperately wanted more memories of your smile to fall asleep to” she whispered, blushing slightly. “God, I was such an idiot,” she laughed gently. “I was falling for you and somehow I had no idea”_

_Ellie smiled gently, heart swelling at her girlfriend’s admission._

_“When _did_ you know?” She asked softly._

_Dina considered her words for a few moments, staring up at the darkness of the ceiling above them._

_“Not long after you started dating Cat” she explained._

_Ellie nodded, watched her closer._

_“You were looking at her in that way that I always wanted you to look at me” Dina’s voice was soft at her admission. “I guess I didn’t realise it at first but - that tight knot in my stomach every time I saw the two of you together...it was jealousy” she shrugged. “I couldn’t remember that warm feeling that I used to get when you looked at me and I hated her because she’d taken that from me. And everyone would talk about how great Cat was and eventually I guess I just realised, I had a massive crush on you and suddenly you were someone else’s”_

_Ellie smiled softly and pressed a kiss to Dina’s cheek._

_“Your turn…” Dina whispered after a few moments of silence between them, shifting slightly to press closer to Ellie in the dark._

_“God this is so embarrassing” Ellie whispered and glanced up at the ceiling._

_“Okay, now I _definitely_ want to know” Dina grinned and pressed closer still. _

_“It was - you remember the first time we went to the lake? Or - the first time I agreed to go”_

_Dina nodded. “Of course. I spent all summer trying to drag you down there”_

_“So Cat was there…”_

_“Yes she was” Dina scowled but then smiled to show she was just joking._

_“And well, I was a lonely teenager-“_

_“Horny teenager” Dina corrected and Ellie rolled her eyes but didn’t disagree._

_“- and I just remember watching as she took off her clothes”_

_“Perv” Ellie nudged her gently._

_“I couldn’t take my eyes off of her body. The tattoos and the scars and the taut muscle -“_

_“Yeah I was there, I don’t need a detailed description” Dina huffed, clearly not enjoying _her_ girlfriend talking about another woman’s body. _

_“It was the first time I’d seen a woman in so little clothes” Ellie admitted with a soft laugh._

_“So that’s when you realised you were into Cat?”_

_“No” she shook her head. “No, I was into her from the start. I only agreed to go to the damn lake that day because you mentioned she’d be there”_

_“Wow. So I’m to blame for you and her??”_

_Ellie laughed softly._

_“So I’m staring at her, thinking about how good it would feel to run my hands across her body -“_

_“Wow okay! This is not what I wanna hear, Ellie!” Dina huffed frustratedly._

_Ellie ignored her and carried on._

_“And then you start stripping off”_

_Dina frowned. “Yeah if I’d realised I was up next after beautiful, thin and delicate Cat I think I’d have just kept my clothes on” she complained._

_Dina didn’t dislike her body, but she knew she wasn’t like Cat. She wasn’t stick thin with strong muscle like the older woman. And her skin wasn’t as unblemished and smooth as Cat’s - she could see why Ellie had been into her._

_“And I just happened to glance in your direction and I couldn’t look away” Ellie admitted gently, her eyes falling to Dina once more._

_Dina’s brow furrowed once more. “What? Were you wondering why I was so squidgy?” She teased._

_Ellie laughed softly. “No. I was wondering why I hadn’t realised I was best friends with the most beautiful woman in the world”_

_“Shut up. You weren’t”_

_“Was”_

_“Weren’t”_

_“Will you shut up and believe me for once?”_

_Dina considered her for a moment, eyes searching Ellie’s. “You really thought that? Back then?”_

_She nodded._

_“The freckles on your shoulders were all I could think about for the next week”_

_“Not Cat’s perfect skin?”_

_“Dina” Ellie sighed softly. “I liked her, yeah. But that day opened my eyes to what had been in front of me all along”_

_Dina smiled softly and squeezed Ellie’s hand._

_“I was so annoyed that you wouldn’t take off your t-shirt to get in the water that day” Dina muttered._

_“Why?”_

_“Wanted to see what you were hiding under all those damn layers you always wore”_

_Ellie laughed softly. “Nothing exciting, I promise”_

_“Are you kidding me?” Dina laughed. “Back in Eugene’s sex den -“_

_“Weed den”_

_“Sex den” Dina corrected with raised eyebrows which Ellie didn’t challenge. “Back there I finally got to see what you’d been hiding for so long” she laughed softly. “Fuck, it was so hard not to just combust at the sight of your body”_

_Ellie rolled her eyes._

_“I was trying to play it cool but -“_

_“There’s really nothing to shout home about” Ellie argued._

_“Are you kidding me? You’re beautiful and I’m so glad that you’re mine”_

_Ellie smiled bashfully at that, glancing away._

_“I love you” Dina whispered as she edged closer, her fingers slipping beneath Ellie’s shirt and over the taut stomach it covered. “And I can’t believe I get to be with you”_

_“I can’t believe I get to be with _you_ ” Ellie whispered. _

_“Took us longer than it should have” Dina nodded softly. “But we got there eventually”_

_Ellie smiled and wrapped an arm around her girlfriend._

_“Promise me you’ll stay this in shape for the rest of our lives?” Dina teased and Ellie rolled her eyes._

_“Does our relationship count on it?”_

_“Of course” Dina nodded sleepily. “I want to spend the rest of my life worshipping these abs”_

_Ellie rolled her eyes again, blushing this time. “You’re such a dick”_

_“But you love me”_

_“I love you so much” Ellie agreed as she tugged the covers over them._

_“So you think I’m hotter than Cat?” Dina asked with a stupid grin._

_“Way hotter” Ellie replied amusedly._

_“She’s hot though. She’s got a pretty amazing body”_

_Ellie shrugged. “I like what I like,” she said simply. “And that’s you”_

_Dina grinned and kissed her softly._

_“Why wouldn’t you take your clothes off that day?”_

_Ellie laughed. “I dunno”_

_“Cause I would definitely have liked that” Dina smirked._

_“Oh yeah?”_

_“Mmhmm”_

_“Perv”_

_Ellie laughed softly. “I don’t know, I was nervous. I’m not like you, you’re brimming with confidence”_

_Dina smiled and kissed Ellie’s cheek, fingers slipping beneath Ellie’s t-shirt once more._

_“You were scared of what Cat might think” she nudged teasingly._

_“Maybe”_

_“You’re cute”_

_“You’re a jerk,” Ellie huffed._

_“Our baby is going to have such a messed up idea of what love is”_

_Ellie smiled and turned her head, pressing a kiss to the top of Dina’s head. “I love that,” she admitted gently. “ _Our_ baby” _

_Dina smiled softly and moved their joined hands so that they rested against the now very noticeable bump she was sporting._

_“Do you wanna get married?” Ellie asked in a whisper._

_Dina’s breath caught in her throat. “Ellie…”_

_“I don’t - Fuck, I didn’t mean right now” Ellie quickly responded as she realised what Dina might be thinking. Their relationship was still so new. “I just - I meant one day. In the future? Have you ever thought about it?”_

_“I don’t know,” Dina admitted quietly. “When I was a kid, yeah sure” she shrugged. “Have you?”_

_“Not really,” Ellie admitted softly. “But then I fell in love with you, and now all I think about is giving you _everything_ ” she explained, glancing to look at the dark haired woman beside her._

_Dina smiled softly, reaching out and brushing her thumb across Ellie’s sharp jaw._

_“You just want the baby to be a Williams” Dina teased, eyes searching Ellie’s, a small smirk on the corner of her lips that Ellie could just make out in the dim light._

_“No,” Ellie argued._

_“No?” Dina asked with a raised eyebrow._

_“No. I mean, that doesn’t really matter to me”_

_“That’s a shame,” Dina replied mysteriously._

_“Why’s it a shame?” She laughed._

_“Cause I was going to suggest that we give him your name anyway…”_

_Ellie’s eyes widened. “What?”_

_Dina shrugged, clearly a little nervous by her own admission. “I just know how hard all of this must be for you” she whispered, thumb brushing Ellie’s jaw once more. “And I want to make sure that you know that this baby is as much yours as it is mine” she explained gently. “I don’t ever want you to doubt that this is _our_ baby”_

_Ellie swallowed hard, eyes searching Dina’s, still slightly wide, as she took in her girlfriend’s words._

_“El…” Dina watched her worriedly. “Say something?”_

_“I Uh - I figured you’d want to give him Jesse’s -“_

_“He’ll know his Dad” Dina promised firmly. “We’ll both make sure of it” And Ellie nodded, it was true._

_“But he deserves to have a part of you too” she whispered, eyes searching Ellie’s._

_Ellie smiled softly. “I love you so much”_

_Dina grinned and shifted closer, lips meeting Ellie’s in a soft and slow kiss. They were going to be a family._

_“And maybe one day, if you ever get the courage to ask -“ she gently nudged Ellie in the ribs. “I’ll get to be a Williams too?”_

_Ellie smiled softly before pursuing her lips and hiding her face against the top of Dina’s head._

_“Maybe”_

—-

“We’re just walking through this abandoned old town, right? Not really talking cause - well, we had nothing in fucking common” she explained with a shrug. “And the fucker just comes out with it -“

“What did he say?”

“You know, it ain’t right - two women raising a kid” she attempted to mimic the deeper voice of the man in question. “Tha’ boy needs a man in his life, someone to look up to” 

“What a jerk. Is that when you socked him?”

“Yeah” she laughed and glanced over at Lucas, a small smile on her face, offering a shrug as he looked over at her. 

“Wow okay, I promise never to question your parenting skills”

“Hey my parenting skills are pretty questionable” Ellie laughed softly.

“Yes they are” Lucas grinned, readjusting the rifle over his shoulder as they walked. 

Ellie smiled to herself, stepping over a long fallen tree trunk. 

A comfortable silence fell over the pair and this was one of the things that Ellie liked best about patrols with Lucas - when they had a conversation it was always engaging, the banter came easily between the two, but then when the conversation came to an end there was no awkwardness. 

Plus he was pretty handy in a fight. 

Which she had found out on their very first outing together - 

_”Let’s just check out this place and then head back?” Ellie suggested, not waiting for Lucas’ response as she headed over to what had once been a bakery, by the looks of the faded signs at least, and began driving her shoulder into the door. “Come. On. Mother. Fucker” she punctuated each word with a barge of her shoulder._

_As the door gave way Ellie stumbled through, righted herself and turned to grin at Lucas with a thumbs up._

_He laughed softly, shook his head and followed her inside._

_“Man, I bet this kind of place was amazing” she muttered, turning on her flashlight and peering up at the tattered old posters with images of all manner of cakes and breads._

_“My uh, my family actually had a place like this - before the outbreak…” Lucas admitted as he looked around._

_“Wow, really?”_

_He nodded._

_“My grandparents owned it. I never met them of course, but my Mom worked in there when she was young and she used to - well, whenever we could find the right supplies she’d always bake us something delicious”_

_“That sounds amazing,” Ellie grinned._

_“It was pretty good,” he nodded._

_“What uh - where is she now?”_

_“Uhm, she’s gone” Lucas replied solemnly, glancing at the ground, his fingers brushing across the dusty countertop._

_“Sorry, man”_

_“Yeah”_

_Silence fell over them once more, this time with a little less comfort, and the two companions began to search for anything salvageable._

_“I’m gonna check in the back” Ellie called out, and tried the door. “Always fucking locked” she muttered to herself and drove her shoulder into it a few times._

_Lucas chuckled as he watched, “Hey if you go home covered in bruises is Dina gonna blame me?”_

_“Definitely” Ellie smirked and with one final shoulder barge she was into the back room. “Man, it reeks in here” she complained and turned to look back at Lucas, who’s eyes widened as he saw, over Ellie’s shoulder, a runner charging right at her._

_“Ellie, look out!” He shouted as he pulled his gun from its holster._

_The runner was fast, it’s hands grabbing a hold of Ellie’s shoulders and flinging her across the storage room. She crashed into the old metal shelving, that had once been home to baking supplies, and then to the ground._

_Before she really even had the chance to get up the runner was on her, pinning her down as it desperately tried to clamp it’s teeth around her._

_“Get” she grabbed it by the shoulders, pushed to keep it at arm's length. “Off of me” she kicked it hard in the ribs but it was unrelenting. “Fucker” she kicked again and then it was gone._

_As Ellie looked up in the faint light of her flashlight she watched as the infected was dragged roughly off of her and slammed into the wall with such force that its skull splattered._

_“You okay?” Lucas was looking down at her, offering his hand, now covered in blood. She took it, let him pull her to her feet, her eyes moving to take in the still form of her attacker._

_“Yeah” she nodded. “Yeah I’m good” she brushed down her shirt, still staring at the dead runner, eyes lifting to the splattering of blood, and brain, on the wall. “That was uhm - that was seriously impressive” she laughed nervously and looked up at Lucas._

_“Are you uh-“ Lucas’ eyes were still wide as he took in Ellie’s bruised but seemingly unharmed form._

_“Clean?” She asked, raised eyebrows._

_He nodded._

_“Yeah. I’m good. You got him” she smiled._

_Lucas nodded and picked up Ellie’s fallen rifle, passing it back to her._

_“Thanks” she muttered as she took it and then slowly stepped over the body. “Seriously, that was awesome” she smiled and glanced back up at him._

_“I can teach you if you like” Lucas laughed softly as the two began to make their lips at through what supplies were left, a little more cautious now. “It’s all about hitting the sweet spot”_

_“Yeah” Ellie grinned and looked up at him. “I know a couple people back in Jackson we could practice on” she teased._

_“Oh I bet you do” Lucas laughed softly._

“Okay, how do you wanna do this?” Ellie asked, glancing up at her partner as they approached the front of what appeared to have once been a DIY store.

“I guess we should be quiet about it, right?”

Ellie nodded. There’d been a lot more sightings of infected lately, which tended to happen with the cold weather. 

“Think you can manage that?” she asked him with a small smirk, taking in Lucas’ large frame. 

“Ellie, must I remind you that you’re the one who goes literally barging through doors?” he asked with raised eyebrows and Ellie grinned. 

“Alright, alright. If you’re such a stealthy motherfucker, please, be my guest…” she gestured to the door. 

“Alright” Lucas nodded, slung his rifle over his shoulder and approached the door, taking out a knife and carefully unlocking the door. He glanced back at Ellie with a smirk and she simply shrugged, refusing to give him the praise he was looking for. 

Slowly he opened the door and headed inside, cautiously looking around before beckoning Ellie inside with his hand. 

“Seems clear,” he explained in a hushed tone, beginning to search for any useful supplies. 

The two of them fell into a familiar routine of rifling through drawers and cupboards in silence, looking for anything salvageable despite thirty years passing. 

“Honestly I can’t believe that we still find things that are useful” Ellie muttered as she pulled out some bottles of what seemed to be gasoline used for power tools. 

“I know. After thirty years? It’s crazy” Lucas agreed. “Gotta run out some time”

“Yeah” Ellie nodded and tried a door that looked as though it led through to a staff room of sorts. It was locked. “Hey, you think you can boost me up through there?” She nodded to the small opening above the door that had likely once housed a window. 

“You saying I can’t fit through there?” Lucas teased as she stepped closer.

“Oh yeah. There’s no way you’d fit through there” she agreed with a laugh. 

“Pfft. You’re just super skinny” he huffed and leant against the door, ready to boost her. 

“M’not” She argued and jumped up, letting Lucas’ strength boost her high enough to grasp onto the edges of the opening.

“You got it?”

“Yeah” she groaned softly as she pulled herself up and through the gap, landing with a soft thud below.

“Ellie?”

“Yeah I’m good” she called back, taking a second to check her surroundings. There were a few tables and chairs scattered around, old vending machines and then another door at the end of the room. 

Taking note of this she turned and unlatched the door behind her, opening it so that Lucas could join her. 

“Thanks” he smiled as she opened the door.

“No problem” Ellie turned around once more but as she did her boot caught a snow shovel that was propped up beside the wall and she watched in what felt like slow motion as the shovel fell to the concrete ground. 

Ellie knew exactly what was coming but she was powerless to stop it.

_”Please, stop!”_

Ellie’s hand went straight for her chest as she stumbled backwards unable to breathe.

_Ellie?! Ellie, help me!”_

_Those stairs and that door. That damn door. She needed to reach it, she needed to get to him._

_The blood curdling screams coming from behind it were tearing her apart._

_Her heart was pounding in her ears. She needed to get to him._

“Ellie?”

She sank to the ground. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t save him. 

_It was killing her to look at him, but she couldn’t look away._

_That look in his eyes. He knew this was it. They weren’t getting out of this one._

_There was so much she should say to him but she couldn’t. She struggled against the arms, the knees, that held her down. Tears ran down her face and mixed with the blood running from her nose._

_She couldn’t save him._

“Ellie?” 

She couldn’t hear anything other than her own heart beat, pounding loudly in her ears.

She gasped for breath but it only made her chest tighten further. 

“It’s okay. You’re okay” the voice continued to go unnoticed by her. “I’ve got you, I’ve got you” 

She didn’t hear the voice but she felt the arm that slid around her shoulders, felt the warm body that pressed against hers as he joined her on the ground. 

Her eyes opened as she felt a large hand wrap around hers and squeeze tightly. 

As she lifted her head she was met by those warm eyes and a smile and she felt a sense of relief, a light at the end of the tunnel. 

“Just - take it easy” he spoke softly. “One breath at a time, okay?” He held her gaze and she held his and together they took slow, deep breaths. 

_His eye was barely open as it stared at her and in that moment she desperately needed to know what he was thinking._

_Did he think she’d failed him? Did he feel betrayed that she was letting this happen?_

_Did he know that she loved him?_

“Ellie...I need you to focus on me” Lucas’ voice broke through, her eyes that had been glazed over focused once more. “Can you do something for me?”

She nodded slightly, hand still clutching her chest. 

“I need you to tell me five things you can see…”

Ellie frowned slightly, a little confused but the way he was looking at her - she trusted him more than she had trusted most people in her life. 

“You” she breathed gently and Lucas nodded. 

“That’s one”

_His eye fixed on her, pain reflecting in it’s depths._

_The metal of the golf club scratching along the wooden floorboards._

She tried to swallow, eyes leaving Lucas’ to glance around the room. 

“A couch” she whispered, still not sure why she was doing this but Lucas squeezed her hand and encouraged her to continue. “Table, vending machine, door -”

As her eyes fell on the door her mind was taken from her surroundings once again. 

_That door at the end of the staircase. Faintest light shining through the frame, anguished cries pouring out of it. She needed to get down there, she needed to save him._

“Okay. Well done” he squeezed her hand once more. “Now four things you can touch”

Ellie’s eyes focused on her friend once more, her confusion must have been obvious but he gave her a look that said ‘trust me’ and she did. 

Her breathing was still ragged, her chest still ached and her ears were still ringing but carefully she grasped his hand a little tighter. 

Lucas offered an encouraging smile and his tight hold on her hand meant she had to remove her other hand from her chest to reach out for more hings to touch. 

Gently her fingers grasped the bracelet around her wrist, the hamsa that Dina made her wear every time she went out on patrol. 

_Dina. Her love’s smiling face wrote over the painful memory of Joel. For the moment at least._

“Just two more,” Lucas whispered. 

Ellie let out a shaky breath, her fingers moving to her leg and the holster there and grasping around the familiar revolver, just holding it for a moment, letting the cold metal ground her. 

“And one more…”

Ellie let out another soft breath, hand reaching up and grasping the flashlight attached to her backpack strap.

“Three things you can hear”

_”Ellie?! Ellie, help me!”_

She didn’t even know if that memory was real, or if her grief had created it, but it was enough to make her eyes squeeze shut in pain.

“Come on, you’re doing so well,” Lucas insisted. 

“You” she muttered. “Annoying ass voice”

Lucas laughed at that and squeezed her hand tighter. 

“The wind outside” she whispered and focused harder. “Tapping…”

Lucas nodded and together they looked down at Ellie’s boot and the way she mindlessly tapped it against the concrete floor. 

She stared at it for a few moments, eventually finding the strength within her to stop it. 

Lucas smiled as he realised she was coming back to the present. 

“Two things you can smell?”

This time she didn’t question him, just looked up, a slightly raised eyebrow. 

“Mould” he laughed softly, she was right, it smelt mouldy and foisty as fuck in here. 

Lucas’ eyes widened as Ellie leaned closer to him, took a sniff and pulled away. “And thirty year old aftershave”

The small smirk on Ellie’s lips caused him to grin and he laughed loudly this time.

“And one thing you can taste?”

She pressed her lips together tightly. “Iron” she nodded and looked up at him, realising she must have bitten her lip at some point during her panic attack. 

Lucas nodded, arm still tight around her for a moment longer before he pulled out his flask and pressed it into her hand. 

She raised an eyebrow and unfastened it, taking a swig and then suddenly started coughing loudly. 

“What the fuck?! I thought it was water”

Lucas laughed and got to his feet. 

Ellie wiped her mouth on the back of her sleeve and put the cap back on the flask, taking his hand and letting him pull her to her feet. 

“Sometimes you just need something a little stronger” he explained with a shrug as she handed over the flask.

“Yeah” Ellie mumbled and took a breath, looking down at the ground where she had been. 

Her breathing was heavier than normal but it was under control. 

“You okay?” she felt his large hand squeeze her shoulder and she nodded, eyes still on the ground and swallowed. 

“Yeah” she smiled tightly and turned to look at him. “Thanks…”

“No problem” he smiled softly and then awkward Lucas was back as he looked away from her and readjusted his backpack straps, looking around the room. “We should uhm - wanna head home?”

“Fuck yeah” Ellie agreed softly and followed him back out of the door, carefully avoiding looking at the fallen shovel that had started all of this. 

Together the two made it out of the store and back onto the quiet streets. 

“Hey…” Ellie broke the silence as they walked back to their horses. “What was uhm -” she rubbed her neck awkwardly and Lucas lifted his head to meet her eyes. 

“Nothing, just a technique that can help” he shrugged, as awkward as her. “Something to try ground you, take you away from whatever caused the uh -” he stumbled over his words, not wanting to name it. 

“Attack” Ellie finished for him as she hoisted herself up onto Japan’s back. 

“Yeah” Lucas nodded and climbed onto his horse too. 

Silence fell over the two of them once more as they began the short ride back to Jackson. 

It wasn’t really until they had passed the gates and dropped the horses off at the stables that they spoke of anything of importance once more. 

“Hey, man...I just wanted to -”

“It’s fine, Ellie. I promise” Lucas immediately knew what her concerns were. 

“But thank you…”

“You’re my friend,” he said simply. “Friends look out for one another”

“Yeah…”

Ellie pressed her lips together and carried on walking, head bowed slightly, and her boots dragging along the ground. 

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of you know…”

She swallowed and glanced at him but didn’t say anything. 

“If that’s what you’re thinking…” he continued and the two of them came to a stop, facing one another. 

“I’m -” she groaned frustratedly and let out a sigh. “I’m not”

“You are”

They hadn’t been friends for too long but they could read each other pretty well. 

“It doesn’t make you weak, Ellie”

_It makes you human._

“Yeah, I guess” she shrugged and toed the ground with her boot. 

“We all have our shit, and we deal with it in different ways. It doesn’t change who you are”

She sighed softly and then Lucas nudged her playfully. 

“I mean, you’re still shit at football”

“Fuck you, Lucas. Football’s a stupid sport anyway”

“Yeah yeah, spoken like a real loser” he rolled his eyes and they continued their walk.

As they reached Ellie’s home - or rather, Dina’s home - the two friends came to a halt once more. 

Ellie opened the small gate and stepped inside and Lucas leant against it watching his friend. 

“You wanna start running together?” he asked, a slight smile on the corner of his lips. 

“Why the fuck would I want to go running?” Ellie asked with raised eyebrows.

Lucas laughed. “What’s wrong with running?”

“It’s fucking exhausting” she shrugged and folded her arms across her chest defiantly.

“Oh so you only run when there’s a horde after you?”

“Yeah of course”

“You know it can be fun too?”

“Doubt it”

“Do you like _ever_ exercise?”

Ellie shrugged. 

“I mean, you’re fit - don’t get me wrong” he folded his arms too and studied her. “I’ve seen you take down Clickers without breaking a sweat” he almost sounded impressed. “But you know exercise is good for the mind too, right?”

“Wow. You’re really growing into being a parent, huh?” she deflected as she realised what he was trying to do.

Lucas laughed. 

“Okay tomorrow morning, we’re going for a run”

“Yes Dad” she rolled her eyes. 

“Ellie, I’m being serious,” he insisted. “I’ll be outside at 6am”

“What the fuck? 6?”

“Yeah, gotta start early”

“Why?”

“Trust me”

She pursed her lips and stared at him, bit back her argument because the truth of it was she _did_ trust him. And he had been there for her today, he had shown that he truly was someone she could depend on and in this world those people were few and far between.

“Fine. Whatever” she huffed and turned on her heel, walking towards the house. She could hear Lucas chuckling behind her and she couldn’t help but smile.

“Hey! Ellie?”

She turned to glance back at him. 

“Don’t wear fucking jeans” he smirked and then walked off in the direction of his house.

Fuck it. She was going running. At six fucking am. 

That smug fucker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, as always, for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! Really does mean a lot and I **finally** caught up with replying to all the comments! Which means I look forward to reading some more ;)


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turns out Lucas wasn't joking when he said he'd meet Ellie for a run the next morning...

_  
The knock at her door was met with a soft sigh as Ellie lifted her head from the copy of Savage Starlight she was reading. She could just ignore it and immerse herself back in Dr Daniela’s adventures, but she got the feeling that whoever it was on the other side of that door wouldn’t just go away._

_With another sigh she carefully placed the comic on the coffee table and pushed herself up from the couch, crossing the small room and opening her door._

_“Hey”_

_“Hey…” she eyed him cautiously, things between them had been awkward lately. The more that Ellie wandered about Utah, the less she felt she could trust him._

_“Can you come outside a minute?” he asked, reaching up to scratch his beard. He felt awkward too then._

_“Why?”_

_“Jus’ - why you gotta question everything?” he muttered and fuck did that feel like a loaded question. “Jus’ come on”_

_Ellie took a deep breath and shrugged, her jaw set in a way that she hoped conveyed her annoyance._

_“Fine” she huffed and stepped outside, closing the door behind her._

_No sooner had she shut the door Joel was calling out “Catch” and a large orange sphere was hurtled towards her._

_“Holy shit!” she shouted as she stepped out of it’s path, flinching at the sound of it hitting the door behind her. “What the fuck, Joel?!” she rounded on him, eyes wide._

_“Thought you were gonna catch it” he shrugged as he stepped past her and picked up the orange sphere that she now realised was a ball, and placed it firmly in her hands._

_”They call it basketball”_

_She **almost** smiled at the way the lilt of his accent drew out the sounds of the unfamiliar word. Almost. _

_But was still kinda mad at him, and she wasn’t giving in too easily._

_“Sounds dumb” she shrugged, lifting an eyebrow_

_“You wanna learn this or not?”_

_Ellie sighed heavily, glanced at the basketball in her hands and relented._

_She had, after all, asked him what he knew about the game the other teenagers played._

_“Okay so where’s the basket?”_

_Joel’s arms folded across his chest and he gave a nod up to the old hoop that he had fitted to the wall of the garage earlier that day._

_“That’s not a fucking basket, Joel” she huffed._

_“Well sure, it’s missing the netting” he agreed with a shrug. “But it was the best I could find. It’ll do the job”_

_“Why don’t they call it hoopball then?” Ellie muttered._

_“I - I don’t know. I don’t make the damn rules!” Joel sighed and shook his head at Ellie’s constant questions. But it was an amused look on his face as he stepped towards her and took the ball from her hands._

_“So I s’pose the aim is to get the ball in the basket -”_

_Ellie’s eyebrows raised as her arms folded across her chest._

_“Get the ball in the **hoop** more times than the other team” Joel corrected himself with a roll of his eyes. _

_“Doesn’t sound so hard” she shrugged._

_Joel chuckled softly and lifted the ball in his hands before throwing the ball up towards the hoop, smiling brightly as the ball fell through it._

_“Go on then, kiddo. Give it a go” he grinned, retrieving the ball and tossing it towards Ellie who this time caught it._

__

\---

“Ellie?” Dina groaned softly and rolled onto her side to look at the alarm clock. “What the fuck are you doing? It’s 6am…”

“Going running” her girlfriend huffed from across the room where she was getting dressed. 

“What -” Dina sighed and tugged the duvet tighter over her, not having the energy to argue. “Thought you were joking about that…” she mumbled as she squeezed her eyes shut tiredly. 

“He’s fucking standing outside” Ellie grumbled and Dina smiled at that, she was so glad that Ellie seemed to have found a good friend in Lucas. 

“Will you check on JJ?”

“Already have, he’s fine. Fast asleep” she promised as she finished fastening her laces. 

“Just like I should be” she grumbled and then Dina felt the dip of the mattress as Ellie leant over and brushed a kiss to her cheek. “I’ll see you later” she whispered and Dina smiled, turned her head slightly so she could capture Ellie’s lips in a sleepy kiss. “I love you” Ellie muttered as she broke away and stood up. 

“Mm, say hi to your boyfriend” Dina teased as she rolled back over and cocooned herself under the warmth of the blankets. 

Ellie rolled her eyes but looked at her girlfriend affectionately for a few moments. 

“And ask him not to bring you back until at least 9, Mama needs a lie in” 

Ellie rolled her eyes once more and with a muttered, but affectionate, “Fuck you” she left the bedroom and headed downstairs and out to meet Lucas. 

“Morning sleeping beauty” he teased, his tone way too jolly for so early in the morning. 

“Fuck you” she muttered as she walked up to him, taking in the sight of him in a pair of shorts and tight-fitting t-shirt. 

Great. He was going to look much more suited to running than she was. 

“So charming. I can see why Dina likes you” he teased as they began to walk down the small garden path. 

“Dina hates you by the way”

“Me? Why?”

“You woke her up” Ellie shrugged as she opened the gate and stepped out of it. 

“Pretty sure you woke her up, not me”

“Yeah because you fucking turned up at 6am!”

“Well I did warn you” Lucas shrugged. “It’s not my fault you’re not as stealthy as you like to think” 

Ellie rolled her eyes and glanced at him. “Okay, _maybe_ I woke her up on purpose” she admitted with a slight smirk and a shrug. “Hoped she might save me from this torture” she gestured towards him. 

“Nah, she couldn’t wait to get rid of you” Lucas grinned back, a smirk of his own spreading across his stupidly chipper face. “I bet you’re a real duvet-hogger!” he teased and Ellie rolled her eyes. 

“Fuck off. Let’s just get this over with”

Lucas grinned triumphantly as they walked a little further into town. 

“What the fuck are you wearing anyway?” he asked amusedly as he glanced over at Ellie. 

She frowned and looked down at herself, a pair of old sweatpants and a slightly too large white t-shirt. “What? You told me not to wear jeans, what more do you want?”

“Do you sleep in those?” he laughed as he glanced at the sweatpants. 

“Sometimes, yeah” Ellie shrugged. 

“Yeah no wonder Dina broke up with you. They’re super sexy”

Ellie rolled her eyes. “Not everyone’s built like you, you know” she huffed and glanced at Lucas’ strong, muscled legs. 

“I’m not _built_ like this” he scoffed. “A lot of hard work went into perfecting this Godlike body” he joked, leaning against the gate of the children’s play area in a way that allowed him to flex his muscle slightly more. 

“You’re the worst” 

Lucas winked at her and stood up straight. “Okay, let’s just warm up a little and then we’ll get going”

“And how the fuck are we supposed to warm up, asshole?” she asked, arms folded across her chest. “I left the duvet back with Dina”

Lucas laughed and shook his head. “By doing some stretches”

“Stretches? What the fuck, man. I thought we were going running?”

“We are”

“Then I don’t need to fucking stretch”

“Yes you do”

“I don’t stretch before I run away from a horde, you know”

Lucas rolled his eyes. “Because you don’t have time in that situation” he replied frustratedly. “Today we do. So just fucking do it or you’ll regret it”

“Why did I agree to this shit” Ellie mumbled but did as she was told and copied the stretches Lucas showed her, even if she knew she must look like a complete idiot right now. 

Maybe this was why he liked to run at 6am? So there were less people to witness it. 

“Okay. That should do it” Lucas stood up straight and glanced at Ellie. “You ready?”

“Yeah sure, whatever, let’s just get this over with”

Her friend rolled his eyes at her lack of enthusiasm. 

“What do I gotta do? Beat you to the lamppost or something?” Ellie asked, arms folded over her chest once more.

“What? No” Lucas chuckled lightly, his eyes giving Ellie a quick once over. “It’s not a race, Ellie” he pointed out. “We’re just going for a jog, get our hearts racing, clear our minds” 

Ellie didn’t seem convinced, arms still folded as she watched him. 

“You mean I don’t get to win?”

“Ellie, you wouldn’t beat me anyway”

“Would”

“Wouldn't” he huffed. “Now come on” and with a turn he began jogging lightly. 

Ellie groaned frustratedly and followed after him. 

“So this is good for my mind?” She asked as they jogged through the familiar streets.

“Yeah. All exercise is really, but I like to start my morning with a run”

“You do this every morning?”

“Most mornings, yeah” he shrugged. “Then some strength training afterwards”

“Are you Superman or something?” She grumbled and Lucas just laughed. “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t want a physique like yours” She grumbled as Lucas picked up the pace of their jog into more of a run and silence fell over them as they saved their breath. 

It wasn’t until they slowed into a jog, mostly to let Ellie catch her breath - not that either would voice it - that they spoke again.

“How long have you been doing this?” She asked a little breathlessly. 

“Since I was a kid” Lucas replied, annoyingly he wasn’t as out of breath. 

Ellie lifted her arm to wipe her brow and glanced at Lucas waiting for him to elaborate. 

“My Dad,” he explained. And Ellie stayed quiet, sensing there was more to say. “He really knew all this stuff, you know? He struggled with his mental health when he was younger, so he got into running and going to the gym. Exercise really helped him and so even as a kid he encouraged me to take care of myself physically and mentally”

Ellie mulled over Lucas’ words for a few moments, focusing on her breaths as she ran beside her friend. 

“Mental health?” she finally asked, it wasn’t a phrase she’d ever heard before. 

“It’s uhm - I guess it’s how to refer to things like what sometimes happens to you” he explained, glancing to Ellie cautiously. 

“The panic attacks?”

“Yeah, those. Or anxiety, depression. Tonnes of different stuff - I guess it’s things you can’t physically see but that can affect you just as bad, if not worse, than a wound or a broken bone or something” Lucas explained as he finally, to Ellie’s relief, stopped running and leant back against the fence they’d started at. 

Had they really done a lap of Jackson?

That hadn’t been so bad. 

Ellie bent over, hands on her knees, as she tried to regain her breath. 

“Listen, man. I don’t wanna overstep or anything. I know you haven’t known me for long but -” Lucas sighed softly and ran a hand through his hair, watching Ellie carefully. 

She stood up a little straighter and watched him confusedly. 

“I really like hanging out with you,” Lucas continued nervously. 

“You’re not gonna ask me on a date are you? Because I’m concerned that my girlfriend will actually be okay with that” Ellie joked and Lucas laughed. 

Just like Ellie he loved the ease of the banter between the two of them. 

“Oh well...it’s no fun if Dina approves, right?” he quipped in response. 

Ellie smiled and leant against the fence beside him. 

“Sorry, what did you wanna say?” she glanced up at him. 

“I just - I get that you’ve been through some shit” he shrugged, eyes searching Ellie’s, it was like looking at his own reflection - and not just because their eyes were such a similar colour. “Dina alluded to some of it when we were first getting to know her,” he admitted gently. “And well, I’m not asking you to tell me anything but I’m asking if you’ll let me try to help?”

Ellie’s brow furrowed slightly. 

“Help? How?” she bit her lip gently, her arms folding into that familiar position across her chest. 

Lucas shrugged. “By just doing stuff like this with you” he explained. 

Ellie hesitated. “Lucas, man…” she sighed softly. “This is just running, all it’s gonna do is tire me”

Lucas sighed and shook his head. “Do you trust me?”

“Yes” she didn’t even need to hesitate, her eyes locking with his. 

“So try it?” he suggested. “I promise you it’s going to help. I know it seems a little stupid, but it really does”

Ellie looked skeptical. “Did Dina put you up to this?”

“No,” he answered honestly. “This is just me. There’s no ulterior motive -” he stopped himself and laughed gently. “Okay maybe a slight motive…”

Ellie raised an eyebrow and looked at him closely. 

“If you agree to this I get to hang out with you more” he shrugged, eyes looking dead ahead of him, too embarrassed to look at Ellie. 

“Fuck. You’re desperate, aren’t you?” Ellie laughed softly and watched him closely. 

“Hey, I’m trying to help you!”

Ellie rolled her eyes dramatically. 

“Okay come on, another lap” Lucas pushed himself away from the fence.

“Another lap?!”

“Yeah. Come on” he flashed a smile in Ellie’s direction and set off running. Ellie let out a frustrated huff and followed him.

\---

By the time they made it back to Dina’s Ellie wanted to kill Lucas. If only she had the energy. 

The bastard had made her run the full perimeter of the town _three_ damn times! 

As she opened her mouth to bid him goodbye and disappear inside in search of a shower and then collapsing on the nearest comfortable surface, the front door opened.

“She survived then?”

Dina grinned out at them, JJ on her hip. 

Ellie looked up at the sound of her girlfriend’s voice. “The bastard tried to kill me” she huffed and Lucas rolled his eyes. 

“You’re so dramatic,” he commented.

“Fuck you, man” Ellie huffed.

Dina watched them amusedly, it was like watching two rival siblings bickering. 

“Come on inside and get breakfast” she smiled with an affectionate shake of her head as she adjusted JJ on her hip. 

“Breakfast sounds amazing” Ellie smiled and headed over to the door, lips brushing the shell of Dina’s ear once she was near enough. “Maybe I could have you for breakfast too?” She asked in a low mutter. 

Dina blushed and swatted her away. 

“Lucas, you too” she called over Ellie’s shoulder.

The man looked surprised, brow creasing slightly. “Nat and Olly are already here” she explained and then handed JJ to Ellie and headed back inside.

Ellie turned to look at Lucas and gave him a look that said ‘I’m just as surprised as you’ and followed Dina inside, Lucas close behind. 

Once inside Ellie realised that Nat and Dina must have been working hard over the last few hours because there was quite the breakfast feast now on the table. 

“Hey babe” Nat smiled as she saw Lucas walk in behind Ellie and as he crossed the room to greet her he was also presented with his son in his arms. 

“Entertain the kids, food will be ready in a minute” she promised, offering Ellie a small smile as well as her boyfriend. 

Lucas turned to Ellie with a raised eyebrow to which she responded with a shrug before they made their way to JJ’s playpen in the living room.

“Is your Mama trying to poison us for waking her up so early?” Ellie asked her son as she sat him down in the playpen beside his friend. “Because it’s all Uncle Lucas’ fault!” 

Lucas laughed as he stood back up straight after placing Olly down too. 

“Or they could just be doing something nice?”

Ellie lifted her eyebrow and folded her arms across her chest. “You’ve met Dina, right?” 

Lucas laughed softly, “Have _you_ met Nat?” 

“Actually…” Ellie laughed softly. “Not really beyond JJ’s birthday party”

“Well -” Lucas smiled, glancing towards their girlfriends in the kitchen. “She’s just as terrible as Dina, so you’re probably right, we’re probably about to be poisoned”

Ellie smiled, watching the way that JJ was chewing on his dinosaur toy. 

“I’m kinda okay with that” she admitted, glancing up at Lucas. “My body is completely fucked after that workout anyway” she smiled slightly, eyes meeting his. “I’m no use to anyone anymore”

“You’re saying I broke you?” He teased. “I thought you were made of stronger stuff. That’s what everyone around town says”

“What do you mean? What people?” She frowned but the sound of Dina calling them dragged Lucas away in the search for food. “Lucas!” She called after him but he was too preoccupied by food.

He pressed a kiss to Nat’s cheek and then to Dina’s.

“This looks amazing” he smiled happily as he took a seat at the small dining table and Ellie slowly followed. 

She sat down beside Dina and reached for the coffee.

“So Ellie…” Nat began and Ellie looked up at the blonde across the table. “How’d the run go?”

“Oh uh -” she glanced at Lucas then back at his girlfriend. “I think he was definitely trying to kill me” 

Nat laughed loudly and nudged her boyfriend playfully. “I told you to go easy on her!”

“I did!” 

“Did not” Ellie argued as she started piling food onto her plate. 

“Don’t worry about it, Ellie” Nat smiled warmly at her across the table. “He’s just showing off. I remember when he started he couldn’t move for days afterwards”

Lucas grinned and sat back in his chair, eyes fixing on Ellie. “You got that to look forward to in the morning, man” he teased.

“I have no idea why we’re friends” she grumbled and picked up her fork.

“Because our girlfriends thought we were lonely” he replied with a shrug as he filled his own plate. 

Ellie couldn’t argue with that, just smiled and caught Dina’s eye before tucking into her breakfast hungrily. 

\---

Mornings like that soon became a regular fixture in Ellie and Dina’s life. 

Lucas would meet her outside either her place or Dina’s, depending on where she spent the night, and they’d set off on a run which, over time, became longer. And more bearable. 

And whilst she wouldn’t admit it to him, she could just about admit to herself that it _did_ help. Her mind felt clearer since they’d started running together. 

The panic attacks didn’t seem to be happening as often and somehow in amongst all of that, things with Dina had been getting even better. 

Better to the point where Ellie finally felt comfortable to ask the question that had been on her mind for the last few weeks now. 

\---

Ellie had been awake for what felt like hours. She could hear Dina’s soft snores beside her, and she had no reason to be up so early, and so she had simply lay quietly, staring up at the ceiling and letting herself get lost in her thoughts. 

As she felt the slight movement of the body beside her and turned her head. 

“Dina?”

“No. Don’t wake me” the other woman mumbled, her head turning further into her pillow, her eyes squeezed shut. “I’ll see you when you get back”

“What?” Ellie laughed softly, turning onto her side and pressing her body to Dina’s back. “I’m not going anywhere” she promised, arm sliding around Dina’s warm body as she pressed a kiss to the back of her neck. 

“Oh…” there was a pause and Dina turned her head slightly back towards Ellie, one eye opening. “Good” she smiled softly. 

Ellie smiled back. 

“Why are you waking me then?” Dina continued, eyebrow raising mischievously. 

“Wanted to ask you something,” she shrugged. 

The warmth of Dina’s eyes searched hers in silence for a few moments before there was a shifting as Dina rolled onto her back, her head tilted towards Ellie’s. 

“Okay” she whispered, the smallest hint of a smile on her face. 

Ellie shifted too, moving her arm to prop up her head as she looked over at Dina. 

“What are we doing?” she asked, her voice gentle, betraying the slight nervousness that fluttered inside her chest. 

“What do you mean?” Worry briefly crossed Dina’s features but she quickly hid it. 

“Just -” Ellie sighed as she tried to figure out the best thing to say. “Us” she shrugged. “Like - we’re together, right?”

“No. You’re my bit on the side” Dina rolled her eyes before focusing them back on Ellie. “Of course we’re together. Why are you even asking that, Ellie?”

“I don’t know” she admitted, averting her eyes, feeling a little stupid. “Just suppose we never quite said it” she explained. 

“Oh” Dina chuckled lightly. “You want me to do the whole ‘will you be my girlfriend’ thing?” she teased and Ellie rolled her eyes. 

“No”

“So what are you asking?” 

“I want to be a family”

“We are a family”

“Living together”

“We are living together” 

“Are we though?”

Dina frowned and sat up slightly. “Ellie, did you hit your head?” she asked with raised eyebrows, searching Ellie’s face confusedly. 

“No. I just mean that we haven’t really talked about it and sometimes I don’t stay here and -”

“Yeah because you choose to stay at your old place”

“I don’t want to intrude”

“I thought you were doing it because you wanted space”

“No” Ellie insisted with a shake of her head. “This - this is why we should talk” she pointed out and Dina laughed. 

“Yeah. Yeah you’ve actually got a point for once” she laughed and reached out for Ellie, pulling her close. 

“Yeah?”

Dina smiled as she tugged Ellie’s arm tightly around her waist. 

“I love you, Ellie,” she said simply. “So…” she smiled up at her. “Will you move in with me?” she asked with a stupid grin on her face. 

“Why do you look like that?” Ellie grumbled, taking in the shit eating smile on her girlfriend’s face. 

“Because you’re such an idiot”

“Wow” 

Dina grinned and leaned up to brush her lips to Ellie’s. 

“You are” she insisted as she slowly pulled away, eyes meeting Ellie’s once more. “Not only have you made me ask you to move in with me, but you haven’t even given me a damn answer”

Ellie rolled her eyes. 

“Yes” she muttered. “Yes I’ll move in with you”

“Wow you’re so romantic” Dina muttered dramatically and lay her head back on her pillow. “Don’t know how I got so lucky”

“You did get pretty lucky” Ellie agreed with a small smile, laying back down too and wrapping an arm around Dina’s shoulders. 

“”Pfft” the other woman complained but tucked herself into Ellie’s side. 

“No Lucas today?” she asked softly, her hand sliding to Ellie’s stomach. 

“Not today”

“You like hanging out with him?”

“You know I do” Ellie’s voice was soft, her fingers finding their way into Dina’s dark hair. 

“Okay okay” she nodded. “I mean working out with him? Running?”

Ellie hesitated a moment, letting herself think over the last few weeks before nodding. 

“Yeah. It’s been good” she shrugged. 

“Yeah?”

Ellie nodded. “I think it’s been good for me,” she admitted softly. 

Dina smiled and pressed a kiss to Ellie’s shoulder. “So do I” she agreed, voice low. “You’ve -” she hesitated, not sure how to phrase what she wanted to say. 

“Not had any attacks since” Ellie finished for her. “Yeah, I know” she nodded and offered a tiny smile. 

“I’m proud of you” Dina whispered, lifting her head to press a hard kiss to Ellie’s jaw. 

Ellie didn’t respond, instead averted her eyes, and it was easy for Dina to see that her girlfriend was embarrassed. 

“Hey I don’t think I’ve ever known you to do any exercise, or play any sports” she pointed out after a few moments of silence passed between the two of them. 

Ellie lifted her eyes to meet Dina’s once more. “I played basketball that time”

“Oh yeah” Dina grinned at the memory. “That was weird”

“Why was it weird?” Ellie demanded with a raised eyebrow. 

“Because you weren’t tall” Dina shrugged and laughed. 

“So?”

“You kind of have to be tall to play basketball” Dina shrugged. 

“I’m taller than you” Ellie argued. 

“Yeah but I didn’t play basketball” Dina smiled, eyes searching Ellie’s happily. She loved riling the other woman up. 

“You don’t _have_ to be tall to play basketball,” Ellie huffed after a few moments. 

“Yeah well it might have helped you a little”

“I wasn’t that bad”

“I guess” Dina smiled and let herself get lost in the memory for a few moments before asking, “I know you only asked Joel to show you how to play so you could fit in with the boys” she murmured after a few more moments.

Ellie felt her face flush a little but she tried to school her face into an expression of apathy. 

“Maybe I did it because I knew which girls watched the boys playing” she suggested with a wink.

“Oh Ellie” Dina sighed dramatically. “There were so many better ways you could have gotten my attention. Things which wouldn’t have meant me watching Jesse school your ass at basketball!” she smirked. 

“Hey, he did not -”

“He totally did”

“He was taller than me”

“Yeah most guys were”

Ellie frowned and glared at Dina. 

“It’s cute, you know?” Dina smiled. “That you were trying so hard”

“Joel thought I was doing it to impress one of the boys” she admitted after a moment.

“Bless that man” Dina laughed gently, pressing closer to Ellie. “Do you think he knew in the end?” she asked.

“Well he saw you kissing me in front of the whole damn town” Ellie huffed in response. 

“Yeah I know, but -”

“We talked about you that night”

“Oh”

“He told me ‘she’d be lucky to have you’, it was so fucking awkward but -” she sighed softly, smiling as Dina reached for her hand. “He knew. I think maybe it took until that moment for it to properly click, but he knew and -” she hesitated. “I was always so scared to tell him, you know?”

Dina nodded. 

“He didn’t fucking care, did he?”

“He just wanted you to be happy”

Ellie nodded and pressed a kiss to the top of Dina’s head.

“He was right by the way, I _am_ lucky to have you” she whispered as she tightened her arms around the woman she loved. 

“Yeah. Yeah you are” Dina grinned back at her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken so long to update! 
> 
> Work has been crazy busy lately so the last thing I've wanted to do is sit back at my desk and write after work ended for the day! 
> 
> Thanks as always for reading, and all the lovely comments. It's really appreciated!


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie is acting differently, becoming distant. And Dina's beginning to worry because she's seen this before...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been an absolute age since I last updated this - thanks to writer's block, lack of inspiration and busy busy worklife! If anyone's still reading this well...enjoy, I guess? :)

_**A few years earlier**  
“Hey Tommy…”_

_“Oh hey there, Dina. How are ya?” the older man sat up a little straighter in the rickety old chair he had been dozing in._

_“I’m good, Tommy. Thank you” she smiled as she leant against the railing of the wooden porch outside Tommy’s home._

_“Come on up” he insisted, gesturing to the empty chair beside him. “You want some orange juice?” he asked, already sitting up to reach for the jug on the table beside him. “Maria jus’ finished making it this morning, it’s pretty damn tasty too” he smiled crookedly._

_“No it’s -” Dina hesitated, offered a gentle smile towards the man. “I was just coming by to see if you’d seen Ellie around?” she chose her words carefully, not wanting Tommy to realise there was more than just a passing question behind them._

_“Ellie, huh?” he mused as he reached up and scratched his beard. “I ain’t seen too much of her lately, I woulda thought if anyone knew where she was it’d be you” he pointed out with a raised eyebrow._

_Dina sighed softly, raising her eyebrows slightly as she leaned further against the railing._

_“Yeah, me too Tommy. Me too”_

_“E’rything alright with you two?” he asked after allowing a moment of silence to pass._

_Dina looked up at him with a gentle, forced, smile and shook her head slightly. “Yeah, yeah of course” she promised but her voice wavered slightly and even someone like Tommy could notice the difference._

_“Come on, kid” he gestured his head once more towards the empty space beside him and started pouring a second glass of the juice._

_Dina hesitated a moment before relenting and making her way up the porch to sit beside Tommy, a man who in many ways felt like her family now._

_“Thanks” she muttered softly as he placed the cold glass in her hand, grateful for the silence that he let linger between them for a few moments._

_“I’m so scared that she doesn’t want this…” she whispered eventually, her eyes fixed on the wooden floorboards beneath her._

_Tommy smiled sadly, watching her from his one good eye. “She said anythin’ of the sort?”_

_Dina bit her lip and shook her head._

_“So why’d you say that?”_

_“It’s -” Dina sighed heavily. “Fuck, Tommy, it’s a **lot** ”_

_“Yeah” he agreed simply._

_“And she’s young and -”_

_“You’re jus’ as young, Dina”_

_“I know that, Tommy. But I - this is my burden to bear”_

_“No. I don’t think that’s true” he shook his head and took a sip of his drink._

_“No? Well this certainly isn’t Ellie’s problem to -”_

_“Problem? Burden?” he interrupted, lifting an eyebrow as he looked at the young woman beside him. “Is that really how you feel about - about this kid?”_

_“No” Dina replied honestly. “No, of course not”_

_“Look, Ellie she -” he sighed. “You know, it really wasn’t difficult to let people believe she was Joel’s kid when they first came to Jackson” he explained. “She had all the traits of a Miller - stubborn, headstrong, kept to herself, moody at times”_

_Dina smiled at Tommy’s description, he was right, Ellie and Joel had had those things in common._

_“But behind all that she’s got one of the biggest hearts I’ve ever known. Just like my brother had” he shrugged simply. “Ellie ain’t like you Dina” he explained. “She ain’t gonna tell you every little thing she’s feeling, she ain’t gonna want to talk about things. Instead she keeps things to herself, and maybe it ain’t exactly healthy but it’s how she is. It don’t mean she don’t care, and it certainly don’t mean she doesn’t want this life with you - and the little ‘un” he pointed towards the growing bump of Dina’s stomach._

_Instinctively Dina reached down, her hand gently covering the bump._

_“I don’t - I’m scared that she would pretend to want this because she doesn’t want to hurt me” she admitted, her voice barely a whisper._

_“You know, you and I - we know what it’s like to have a family. I knew my Mom and my Father. I had my brother, and I even had my niece” Tommy began to explain. “You had your Mom, your sister -” Dina nodded and Tommy continued. “Ellie ain’t - she ain’t ever had anything until Joel, and I s’pose me and Maria” he paused briefly to think over his words. “Ellie lives with a lot of guilt. She’s been through a hell of a lot of shit, lost so many people she cared about, and she blames herself”_

_“Yeah. Yeah she does” Dina wished she could get Ellie out of that habit._

_“You want my two cents on it? She wants to be with you, of course she does - that girl’s been pining after you since the moment she met you” he chuckled lightly. “Thing is, she inherited some of that Miller stupidity too” he teased and Dina smiled slightly. “She probably don’t think she deserves to be happy, and it’s your job to show her that she deserves it. She deserves it a lot”_

_Dina smiled a little brighter and nodded, glancing up at Tommy._

_“When did you get so wise?” she teased gently._

_“Pfft, I’ve always been the smarter of the Miller boys”_

_“Oh yeah?” Dina asked with raised eyebrows and Tommy responded with a toothy grin._

_“Ellie don’t know how to deal with emotions too well. She’s probably hiding away trying to keep from upsetting you. I think you just gotta sit her down and be firm with her, make sure she knows that she deserves this, and that you want it”_

_Dina let out a heavy sigh and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, maybe you’re right”_

_Tommy smiled softly and studied the young woman for a few moments. “Now drink that orange juice, you need all your vitamins and that bullshit when you’re with child” he muttered._

_“Yes sir” Dina laughed gently and lifted the glass to her lips._

_\---_

_By the time Dina had returned home that afternoon she was feeling a lot better about things, but it didn’t last for long. Ellie wasn’t back by the time the sun had set, and Dina had to stop herself from going out looking for her._

_Ellie could take care of herself, that was for sure at least._

_Whether Ellie truly wanted to be with Dina - well, that was still up for debate it seemed._

_When Ellie finally came home it was way past midnight and if she woke Dina as she carefully climbed into bed, well, the other woman showed no signs of acknowledgement._

_It was too late, she was too tired, and she couldn’t do this now. She would get her answers in the morning._

_\---_

_Ellie, predictably, was late to rise the next day._

_By the time she made her way out of the bedroom Dina had already done two loads of laundry and was in the midst of baking._

_“Mornin’” she muttered as she sleepily rubbed her eyes and approached Dina._

_“Late night” Dina replied without even looking up at her girlfriend._

_“Yeah”_

_“Again”_

_Ellie sighed softly and glanced down at the ground. “Yeah”_

_Dina stayed silent as she continued kneading the dough, but she could feel Ellie’s eyes on her the entire time. She could **almost** visualise the other woman rubbing her neck nervously as she tried to think of what to say, but she refused to turn and confirm that vision. _

_“Can I do anything?”_

_The question that finally left Ellie’s lips was somewhat unexpected to Dina who took a moment to consider it before answering._

_“What’s the point? You’ll leave for God knows where, with God knows who any minute now, right?”_

_Okay, she hadn’t exactly planned on being outwardly angry with Ellie but she couldn’t help it. Hormones. She’d blame it on hormones._

_Ellie, predictably, was silent._

_“I can’t do this anymore, Ellie” Dina turned to face the taller girl, desperately trying, but failing, to keep the tears from her eyes._

_“Do what?” Ellie’s question was practically a whisper, as if she were afraid to ask - perhaps she was._

_“This” Dina gestured to the distance between them. “You - you disappear and you don’t come home until the middle of the night. You don’t talk to me about whatever you’re going through. You don’t talk to me about anything”_

_Angrily Dina reached up and wiped her tears and when Ellie took a step towards her she lifted her hand to stop her._

_“I get it if you don’t want this baby. If you don’t want me” Dina’s voice broke, just saying it aloud was enough to break her heart in two but she knew she had no choice._

_“Dina I -”_

_“I **need** you to be honest with me, Ellie. Because it’s not fair. It’s not fair on either of us and it’s not fair on this baby. If you don’t want him then that’s okay but you need to tell me before it’s too late”_

_Ellie was staring at her from across the kitchen, her eyes desperately searching Dina’s, desperately trying to find the right words._

_“Let’s take a ride…”_

_Whatever Dina had been expecting Ellie to say, it had not been that._

_“What?” she frowned, folded her arms across her chest as she stared incredulously across at Ellie._

_“Let’s just get out of town for a bit”_

_“Ellie”_

_“I’ll go grab Shimmer, you grab us some food and let’s just - let’s go…”_

_“Ellie I don’t want to leave town, I want to have a conversation”_

_“There’s something I want to show you”_

_“So show me here” Dina argued and rolled her eyes at Ellie’s sigh._

_“I can’t” she whispered and took a few steps closer, reaching out for Dina, taking her hands. “Trust me?” she asked softly._

_Dina looked up at her, allowed herself to get lost in those eyes and let out a shaky breath._

_“Okay” she whispered defeatedly, feeling as though her own body betrayed her as Ellie pressed her lips to her forehead and she felt her skin heat up at the touch._

_“Ten minutes, okay?”_

_“Ten minutes” Dina replied with a nod, her hold on Ellie’s hands lingering for a moment before letting go and watching Ellie leave the house once more._

_Fuck. She hoped she wouldn’t regret this._

_\---_

_Dina was silent throughout the whole ride._

_Ellie had arrived back with Shimmer, had helped her up onto the house (damn baby bump) and then neither had really spoken._

_It was awkward as hell._

_“Ellie, where the fuck are we going?” Dina finally asked after what felt like at least a twenty minute ride out of Jackson._

_“It’s not much further, I promise”_

_Dina sighed and turned her head to look at the nature around them._

_What was Ellie planning?_

_Another ten minutes of silence passed and Dina was losing her mind._

_“Ellie, this is getting ridiculous now. Will you just tell me where -”_

_“It’s just up this way”_

_“What’s just up this way?” she demanded._

_“You’ll see”_

_“Ellie!”_

_“Dina, please. Just another few minutes”_

_Dina hoped her huff was loud enough to communicate to Ellie that she was not at all happy with her._

_But that soon changed._

_True to her word it was only a few more minutes over the hill until Ellie began to slow Shimmer down._

_Dina’s brow furrowed as she stared up ahead of them at what seemed to be some kind of abandoned farmhouse._

_“Ellie, I don’t -”_

_“Remember when we were in Seattle…” Ellie began, bringing Shimmer to a halt a few metres from the fence that surrounded the property. “You said that you dreamed of living on a farm…”_

_“Yeah I -” Dina swallowed hard, eyes looking over the scene in front of her. “It was a dream…”_

_“Doesn’t have to be a dream” Ellie shrugged, turning her head enough that she could take in Dina’s expression. “Could, you know, be our lives,” she added, eyes searching Dina’s nervously._

_“You mean -”_

_Ellie smiled and shrugged sheepishly._

_“I know it doesn’t look like much, but I think we could turn it into a real home” she explained, nerves clear in her tone, she really didn’t know how Dina would feel about this. “Needs a bit of work, I’ve done a few things already, but I think we could get it liveable before the baby’s born. I was thinking of asking a few of the -”_

_A bright smile spread across Dina’s face. “This is where you’ve been?”_

_“I uh -” Ellie glanced back at the house and then back at Dina with a nod. “Yeah…”_

_“Fuck” Dina shook her head and laughed gently. “Ellie! I thought that you were having second thoughts about us. About the baby”_

_“What?” Ellie’s eyebrows rose. “No, of course not”_

_“You’re such a dick”_

_“Wow” Ellie sighed overdramatically. “I get you your dream house and that’s how you repay me?” she asked teasingly, her smile growing as Dina hit her frustratedly. “Come on” she smiled softly and climbed down from the horse, holding her hands out to help Dina down. “Let’s go take a look?”_

_Dina bit her lip, eyes searching her girlfriend’s for a moment or two before taking the offered hands, letting Ellie help her down from Shimmer._

_“Ellie, wait…” she muttered softly as Ellie turned back towards the house._

_“Yeah?”_

_Dina smiled brightly as Ellie turned back to her, her arms instantly wrapping around the taller woman. “I love you” she whispered, face buried in the crook of Ellie’s neck._

_A soft chuckle escaped Ellie as she slid her own arms around Dina. “I love you too” she whispered, lips brushing the top of Dina’s head._

_Happiness flooded through Dina at the words, at the realisation that there was nothing to worry about after all. But it was the way that Ellie added a whispered “Both of you” as her hand came to rest against the growing bump, that brought the tears of happiness to Dina’s eyes._

_Carefully she untangled herself from Ellie and leaned up to kiss her softly._

_“Okay, let’s go” she nodded when she broke away, her fingers tangling with Ellie’s as they headed through the gate and towards their new home._

\---

“Hey”

“Hey” Ellie smiled and looked over at Dina as she descended the stairs. 

“You were out late last night…”

“Yeah I just -” Ellie shrugged, did that telltale sign of being unsure what to say as her hand lifted to rub the back of her neck. 

Dina waited for a moment to let her continue but when she didn’t her eyebrows rose, “Just what, Ellie?”

“Had some stuff to do” she shrugged and finished making her way down the stairs, bypassing Dina completely and heading over to where JJ was sat in his playpen surrounded by toys. 

“Right. Stuff” Dina rolled her eyes and went back to folding laundry as Ellie began talking with JJ and playing with his toys. 

“Do you plan on being home for dinner?” she asked as she piled the fresh laundry, glancing over at her girlfriend and son. 

“I dunno” Ellie didn’t even look up at her, instead keeping her attention on the toddler. 

“Right” Dina huffed. “It’s just it was _you_ that invited Nat and Lucas round for dinner...so I figured you’d at least be planning on making an appearance”

Ellie frowned. 

“Apparently that was stupid of me to assume” she added irritably before heading up the stairs. 

“I think your Mama’s angry at me, potato” Ellie sighed, lifting her son into her arms. 

\--

By the time Ellie and Lucas walked through the door that night it was already way past the time Dina had told her to be home for. She figured her girlfriend wouldn’t be angry at her in front of their friends, she’d just take the brunt of it later. 

“Look what the cat dragged in”

Ellie smiled softly at the sound of Nat’s voice, closing the door behind Lucas and shrugging out of her jacket. 

“Hey Nat” she smiled as she followed her friend over to his girlfriend. 

“Thought we’d been stood up” the blonde teased as she leant up to kiss Lucas before he headed over to where the boys were playing on the floor in front of her. 

“Yeah, sorry, we lost track of time…” Ellie explained, leaning against the arm of the couch and watching Lucas with their sons. 

“If I didn’t know better I’d start to worry you and my boyfriend are having a secret affair…” she teased, flashing a smile in Ellie’s direction. 

“Well I am extremely handsome” Lucas commented with a smirk as he glanced up at the two of them. 

Ellie laughed softly and opened her mouth to speak when Dina walked into the living room. 

“I’m beginning to think that’s _exactly_ what they’re doing” she commented, and it was hard to decipher from her tone whether she was joking or whether there was a hint of truth to it. 

Ellie cleared her throat and pushed herself from the arm of the couch and in Dina’s direction. 

“Hey babe…” she spoke softly, brushing a kiss to Dina’s jaw. 

“You’re late. Again” Dina commented with a raised eyebrow, her dark eyes scanning Ellie’s. She didn’t look angry, maybe a little worried.

“Hey Dina, you know, that’s totally on me…” Lucas stood up, offering a gentle smile in Dina’s direction. 

“She’s got you lying for her now too, huh?” there was the slightest hint of a smile on the corner of Dina’s lips. 

“She threatens me, you know what she’s like, bit of a bully” he teased and Dina’s eyes softened. 

Ellie took the opportunity to wrap her arms around Dina’s waist from behind, chin resting lightly on the shorter girl’s shoulder. 

“It’s only cause I’m not allowed to be the bossy one at home” she replied with a small smile.

“Damn right, you’re not” Dina replied instantly and Ellie laughed, tightening her hold on her. 

Dina leaned into her for a few moments before carefully breaking free of Ellie’s hold. “By the way, Williams, you and your boyfriend are making dinner tonight” she smiled sweetly, kissed Ellie’s cheek and went to join Nat on the couch. 

Lucas met Ellie’s eyes and shrugged.

“You know neither of us can cook, right?” she laughed nervously. 

Dina shrugged. “You’ll figure it out”

Lucas laughed softly and crossed the room to Ellie, nudging her in the shoulder. “Hey you’re a braver person than me if you’re about to argue with Dina” he smiled and headed towards the kitchen. 

Ellie sighed heavily and shrugged. “Fine. But don’t expect it to be the best dinner you ever had…” she grumbled and headed for the kitchen where Lucas was already washing the day’s dirt and grime from his hands. 

“Hey, man, if you’re so insistent about keeping things from Dina you can’t complain about this” he insisted. 

“Yeah” Ellie leant against the counter. 

“In fact I think this is her letting you, _us_ , off pretty lightly”

“I just - I’ll tell her but not yet okay?”

Lucas sighed and moved to dry his hands so Ellie could wash hers. “It’s your call, man, but I would not like to get on Dina’s bad side”

\--

Dinner had been better than anyone had really expected. Mostly because it turned out Lucas actually knew his way around a kitchen, and Ellie was happy to sit back and let him take the lead. 

But by the time they were saying goodnight to Nat, Lucas and Olly, Ellie was sure that Dina was going to bring up her irritation once more. 

“I’m going to put JJ to bed, can you tidy up his toys?”

“Yeah, sure” she smiled softly and brushed a kiss to the top of JJ’s head where he was nestled sleepily against Dina’s shoulder. “Night buddy”

“Come on, my sleepy little man” Dina gave Ellie a small smile and then began making her way upstairs with the tired toddler. 

Ellie watched them before crouching down in front of the couch, starting to tidy away all of JJ’s things. She got halfway through putting everything away when she picked up a familiar old robot toy and she felt an ache in her chest at the memory of who she had originally picked that up for, all those years ago.

“He has so many toys. We’re going to need to get a bigger box for them”

Ellie glanced up at Dina’s words, she hadn’t heard her girlfriend come back downstairs, she’d been a little lost in her own head at the memories the robot invoked.

“He really likes that one” Dina’s voice was practically a whisper as she sunk down onto the rug beside Ellie, a small hand covering Ellie’s where she was clutching the toy so tightly her knuckles had started to turn white. “Here, let me…” she carefully pried the toy from Ellie’s hand and placed it carefully in the toy box before reaching out and tugging both of Ellie’s hands into her lap. 

Ellie swallowed thickly, green eyes carefully searching Dina’s as she searched for something to say. 

“Everything okay?” Dina asked softly, her eyes searching Ellie’s in return, her thumb absently tracing circles over Ellie’s hand. “I’m not mad at you, you know…” she continued when Ellie said nothing. 

“No?”

“No I -” Dina sighed and shifted so that she was sitting with her back against the couch, tugging Ellie with her. “I wanted to be, but Nat made me realise that you wouldn’t do something to hurt me” she shrugged. 

Ellie’s brow furrowed slightly. 

“Not intentionally at least,” Dina added. “But you are kinda stupid…” Dina teased, a slight smile tugging at the corner of her lips. 

Ellie’s brow furrowed further, her eyes searching Dina’s. 

“I don’t know what’s going on with you, El. But whatever it is I just - I wish you would talk to me about it” she sighed, fingers tangling with Ellie’s and squeezing gently. “Because this distance that you’re putting between us, whether it’s intentional or not, it’s hurting me…”

Ellie took a moment to think over Dina’s words and then cleared her throat. “I’m not...I don’t know why you think I’m putting distance between us, D…”

Dina raised her eyebrows and gave Ellie a look that was daring her to deny it. 

“I’m not!” she insisted, eyes searching Dina’s once again. 

“Ellie…” Dina sighed softly, her words gentle. “You’re hardly ever at home, you don’t tell me where you’ve been, you -”

“There’s nothing wrong with me” she interrupted and this time it was Dina’s turn to frown. “I’ve just - there’s been things I’ve been working on”

Dina bit her lip and studied her girlfriend for a few moments. “Working on what, Ellie?” she asked gently. “I worry about you. You never really tell me what’s going on in that head of yours…” she let go of Ellie’s hand and gently tapped the side of the other girl’s head before she was reaching for her hand once more. “I know that you’re still working through things, and I know that Lucas is helping you a lot but - we’re a family, El, I wanna be able to help you too…”

Ellie laughed. Soft and gentle, but a laugh all the same. 

Dina’s brow furrowed in confusion. 

“That’s what you think’s going on?” she asked softly, eyes searching Dina’s as she gently squeezed her hand. 

“You’re not talking to me about your day, you’re barely ever here...yeah…it feels a lot like it did just before you left…” 

“I’m okay, D” she promised. “I’m - things are good. _I’m_ good” 

Sure, there were still days where the pain of losing Joel still hit her hard, still nights where she woke in a cold sweat, the vision of his lifeless body filling her mind, and days where she felt her heart hammering as her chest began to tighten. But all in all it was getting more manageable, working out with Lucas was helping, and being able to be a family with JJ and Dina was doing wonders for her mental health. 

“Then what’s…” Dina still looked worried, eyes a little wider than usual. 

Ellie sighed and shifted so that she was leaning against the couch too. “I love you” she whispered, turning her head to glance at Dina. 

“I love you too…” there was a hint of nervousness in Dina’s tone. 

“But you’re such an asshole when I’m trying to surprise you” she chuckled softly. 

Dina’s brow furrowed further. 

“Surprise me with what, Ellie…” she asked cautiously. 

Ellie shifted closer, her arm sliding around Dina’s shoulders and holding her near. “We keep saying we need more space…”

“Yeah I know but -”

“So what if there was a way for us to have more space?”

“We’ve been through this El, all the empty houses are going to bigger families and newcomers…”

“I’m not talking about those places”

“The farm” Dina sighed heavily, “Ellie I appreciate the thought, but I think -”

“Not the farm”

Dina was silent, her eyes studying Ellie as she wracked her brain trying to think what Ellie was talking about. 

The taller woman bit her lip, let her eyes linger on Dina for a moment before they fell to their joined hands still in Dina’s lap. 

“Joel’s place is technically mine now…” her voice was shaky, soft, almost a whisper and Ellie was sure that Dina could probably hear her heart hammering in her chest. 

Dina’s breath caught in her throat. 

“I uh - that’s where I’ve been these last few weeks” she explained. “Trying to uh -” she sighed and lifted her hand from Dina’s gesturing at the empty space in front of her as if it was going to help her find her words. “Trying to overcome the fear I have of being in there” she whispered, voice breaking a little. 

Dina instantly reached out for her hand once more, trying to anchor Ellie against the tidal wave of emotions she knew her girlfriend was facing. 

“And I’ve been doing good,” she promised, nodding slightly. “The last few days Lucas has been there with me, helping to fix a few things up so it’ll be safe for JJ…”

She glanced to Dina, searching her expression for _something_ , _anything_. 

“Dina...say something…” she whispered. 

The other woman swallowed thickly and then she hit Ellie lightly on the shoulder.

Green eyes widened. 

“What the fuck, Ellie??”

Ellie bit her lip, worry spreading across her face. 

“You don’t - you don’t surprise me with something like this!” she insisted, eyes widening as she stared at her girlfriend. “This is - this is _huge_!”

“It is?”

“Of course it is”

Ellie chewed her lip nervously for a moment. “Are you mad at me?”

Dina rolled her eyes. “Yeah”

“Right…”

“I’m mad that you didn’t let me share this with you” she explained. “You didn’t have to do this alone, Ellie…”

“I wanted to surprise you” she shrugged. 

“Telling me you were even thinking about it would have been an amazing enough surprise” 

Ellie was silent and so Dina reached for her, taking her hand and squeezing it softly. 

“This is amazing, Ellie. Truly” she insisted, squeezing the other woman’s hand a little tighter. “I’m so proud of you” she whispered as she wrapped her arms around Ellie and held her tight.

“I thought you were mad at me?” she mumbled.

“For not letting me help you through this” Dina replied, lips brushing Ellie’s neck. 

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay” Dina pulled away, eyes searching Ellie’s face and a bright smile on her lips. “I love you so much, Ellie”

Finally, Ellie smiled. 

“I love you too…”

“We’re gonna build a home?”

Ellie nodded. 

“And you’re truly sure about this?”

She nodded once more. 

“We need more space…”

“I know but that’s not -”

“And it’s what Joel would have wanted” Ellie interrupted and a soft, happy smile spread across Dina’s face. 

“Yeah. Yeah it is” she nodded, lifting her arm to wipe at the tears in her eyes and then she tugged Ellie into another tight embrace. 

“He would have been so proud of you”

“I hope so…”


End file.
